Ask Me Help Desk - How do I tell?

OK, I have a 5 month old baby. I have never told her father that she is his. We were seeing each other off and on for a couple years, but both dating other people. I was only sleeping with him. He knows about the baby, as we are still friends, but doesn't know its his. Initially I didn't want to tell him for the headaches involved. Now that she is getting bigger, I am thinking of telling. How can I do this? And if I do not tell him. What can I tell her in a couple years when she starts asking?

You need to just flat out tell him. You also need to go forward to get child support to help raise your child. Why have you not sought that out? If he wants to be a part of the child's life you will have to have a legal court document that sets up custody, visitation, and child support

You should have been honest, and taken care of business already. For whatever reason you chose not to, its not too late, NOW.

You have to tell him that is not fair to him or the baby. You need to be flat out honest with him. You can not keep something like that from either one of them. Your little one if she finds out the truth when she gets older that you knew who her father was and you didn't tell her she I can only imagine how she would feel. Do the right thing and tell him the truth and let him be apart of his little girls life. That is only fair. And believe me girl take it from someone that has to play mom and dad's role. Its not fun being a single mom, its so hard...

Rip off the band-aid fast. Now.

It will absolutely be better.

Otherwise you will be carrying this conflict around in your mind... and it does take a toll on your energy and your body. He deserves to know, even if its not convenient. Better now than later.

She is still young enough you don't have to lie to her or hide it.

I really, really hope you let him know. All you can do is give him a chance to do the right thing. Even if you don't want him intimately involved in your life or a life with him, he really does deserve to know.

And my experience with friends in situations that are sort of similar is that both sides come together to some degree and the child is better off for it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4507

ok, i have a 5 month old baby. i have never told her father that she is his. we were seeing each other off and on for a couple years, but both dating other people. i was only sleeping with him. he knows about the baby, as we are still friends, but doesnt know its his. initially i didnt want to tell him for the headaches involved. now that she is getting bigger, i am thinking of telling. how can i do this? and if i do not tell him. what can i tell her in a couple years when she starts asking?

Oh man... for every day that goes by without telling him will build a larger problem and a bigger wall. Be careful, you are playing with dynamite. Understand that this is his kid too. He could have been working on issues within himself from the time you found out you were pregnant. Kids were meant to change people for the better. That goes for both the father and mother. Men don't bond with kids until they are born, that is how we are built. This child is more than just an outcome from a relationship, its about bettering ourselves as an individual person. No one can be anything to anyone unless they can be someone to themselves first. As for the relationship between you and him, that is something you have to give up control on and let whatever happens... happen. He WILL be mad at first, but he will need time to work through his feelings. Remember, you are just about a 1 1/2 ahead of him in working through your feelings and women usually have great support systems. Men don't talk about things of this nature to just anyone, so for the sake of argument, it could be said he is 2yrs behind you.

You are responsible for your child's health and well-being.

Part of that responsibility means securing financial security too. And if the father does not know, how can he meet his responsibilities (there are laws).

Can you be sure that he would not accept the news and not want the chance to be responsible too?

No matter what you imagine might be the outcome here, can you live with the consequences of NOT telling him and your child (when old enough).

You got over the pains in the delivery room, so now go for your next challenge and do what is right. It probably won't hurt as much as you imagine right now.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

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