I have kind of a long story and want to know what I should do... I met my boyfriend on line over four years ago... we used to just talk to each other and after a few months we decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend... I live in ny and he lives in ky... we've met in person and in July we went away to jersey for a week together... he paid for everything... and he often talks about marrying me and I just finished 4 years of college and am now going back to get my masters and we decided to wait until I'm done with school before either of us moves... I had never had a boyfriend before and he had had one girlfriend he was with for a few years in high school... so anyway yesterday he e-mailed me asking if I would give him permission to go to a strip club with some of his friends... he said its just "silly fun" and they would go and watch the gilrs dance and drink... so I told him that I didn't really like the idea I think that strip clubs are gross and more for people who are single and don't have someone to love them... I'm not comfortable with my body at all and he's always said how beautiful I am... so I just think if you are happy with the person you are with you don't need to be around other NAKED girls... so since I was making such a big deal about it he decided that he should tell me that him and his cousin went to a strip club a few weeks ago and it was the first time he ever had went to one and he was "fasinated by it" (his words)... so now I'm really upset but then he continues to tell me that he got a lap dance and not just one but two... one being with the girl TOTALLY naked.. he also told me that he had to get a lap dance so he could brag to his friends at work... I'm totally heart broken over this and the thing that makes me the most upset is that he doesn't seem to see the problem or think there is anything wrong with his actions... I don't know what to do I'm so close to breaking up with him but he is the only person I've ever loved and I always thought we would be together forever.. OH and he won't let me pay for anything not even to come see him so he's trying to save so I can go visit so now I wonder how much he actually spent at this strip club that could have been put away for me to come visit.. I want to know if I'm over reacting and being uptight or if I have reason to be so upset... I should also add that he said he wouldn't allow me to go to a male strip club (not that I asked because I'm not interested) and doesn't even like it if I talk to other guys.. the other day I was going to the county fair and he said "make sure you don't talk to any boys" KNOWING what he did a few weeks ago... AHHH I'm so mad.. please help me

Lots going on here.

1. Long Distance Relation are extremely difficult. You really need to set rules and boundries.

2. He SHOULD NOT be paying for everything - never.

3. Strip clubs are harmless. All men go. Get over it. BUT, there is a huge problem IF he won't let you go to a male clube.

4. He SEEMS way too controlling - way to controlling from a far. "make sure you don't talk to any boys" - worthless.

See - relationships are built on TRUST and RESPECT. You don't trust him, he doesn't trust you - which is impossible from a far. You can't continue this.

He ALSO deosn't RESPECT your wishes for not to go to the club.

These problems are too hard to correct from a far.

I do recommend you see other people and learn about dating. Maybe on-line but date only guys clsoe to you from now on.

This guy seems like a controlling, manipulative and insecure. He is BRAGING about a lap dance to you? Ughhhhhhhhhhh - and you like this guy?

He doesn't respect you one bit and I doubt he will.

Generally when we think of spending life together with someone, it is most helpful to see them beyond the small window frame. Think about it, any one can look good, seem good during short spans of time spent. It is when we spend more time up-close and personal that we truly discover what we have in that person, as well as, what that person brings up out of us. This is a long-distance relation, bonded by the Net, you are subjective at this point, because you do not have experience with other men which would allow you to be more objective. You know what you want, you are obtaining your Master's keep that perspective. As far as him going to a strip club... it is not the best way to occupy one's time; however, it beats the alternative. Remember, he can look, just don't touch... He can get his appetite on anywhere, just as long as he eats at home. More importantly, Love the Body you are in, it is only when you embrace your body that you will improve it. As long as you despise it chances are slim that you will do anything to improve it, you seem to be the type that thrives on improvements, you like to maximize every moment, thus love your body, it will improve because you will have a geniune, healthy outlook concerning the change. Don't let child's play set you at odds, believe it or not, he will assess your trust level for him. So if you trust him, don't sweat it, if you are uncomfortable with your body, do not project your discomforts unto him creating a world that should not be. He likes your body, so love your body. Do not compare yourself to fantasy, you are real to him.

Althugh your concerns about stip clubs are certainly legitimate, I think you've missed the forest for the trees in this particular situation. The two of you live nearly 1000 miles apart and you're busy working on a master's degree. Is this relationship really feasible at this time? It certainly doesn't sound like it. You can't be there for him nor he for you and no doubt partially explains why he'd want to go to a strip club in the first place. It sounds like your and his priorities are not in sync at this time. Accept that fact and move on and encourage him to do the same. When you do finally settle down with someone who's ready to make the necessary commitment, you want it to be someone who's faithful. Going to a stip club is being unfaithful, especially when lap dancing with naked women.

If I were in your situation, I would make sure you let your boyfriend know that strip clubs are something you are strongly against and I that that is something you can't handle him doing, that way it's fair, and he knows how you feel, which you have done, now if it's something he does again, there is no excuse for that and I definitely wouldn't stick around, I do feel that the lap dance was waaaaay out of limits, but if you're willing to assume that he didn't know, I would give him a second chance. As far as your not being able to go to a male strip club that is a double standard, now that he can't go to a female strip club it's fine, niether of you should go at this point, you both know whaere you stand, I don't understand why he's asking you if it was cool the second time, but not the first time, that's ridiculous, something smells fishy to me darlin', I'd watch it, I would feel the same way about the money, but if it was his first time, his cousin could have paid for it, if this is bothering you t his much you really should talk to him more about it, as far as I'm concerned, if you can't tell him how you feel and how you want to be treated there's no point in going any further with the relationship... Good luck:)

I can kind of understand why my ex got so angry that I would visit the strip club occasionally. I mean if you go every now and then it's not a big deal.

As a man, I assure you that not all men go to strip clubs. My opinion is that if two are in a relationship then both should respect one anothers feelings. I am not saying that life is always easy and their will never be disagreements or fights, but on strong moral issues then it will surely cause problems. I find it really bothersome that he has justified that for himself it is OK to go, but would not like you to go. For that in a sense is admitting that he shouldn't be going, but hey all the guys do it,, well I say wrong. I will have to agree on the others that posted in that you have such a busy life now with school anyway, but then I do think the long distance can work; however, it is very rare and both parties must be really committed to one another. In short, it is good that you find out such things now, before your married and then some time later in life you learn what this other person is really like. Sounds to me that you realized is the guy is a selfish controlling boy, in which you are much better to learn this now than later.

Hi,
Your boyfriend has attitudes that you might want to really think about. Is he really for you?
For a marriage to be successful, there must be "give and take", 50-50, relationships between the two of you. Since he feels he can do something, but you can't do the same thing, there is a problem with him!!
Think about it: Do you want to live the rest of your life with a person like this? Also, Divorce is much, much harder that just simply saying "I do"!
Best of luck,
fredg

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Originally Posted by kriss1983

I have kinda a long story and want to know what i should do... i met my boyfriend on line over four years ago... we used to just talk to eachother and after a few months we decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend... i live in ny and he lives in ky... we've met in person and in july we went away to jersey for a week together... he paid for everything... and he often talks about marrying me and i just finished 4 years of college and am now going back to get my masters and we decided to wait until i'm done with school before either of us moves... i had never had a boyfriend before and he had had one girlfriend he was with for a few years in high school...so anyway yesterday he e-mailed me asking if i would give him permission to go to a strip club with some of his friends... he said its just "silly fun" and they would go and watch the gilrs dance and drink... so i told him that i didn't really like the idea i think that strip clubs are gross and more for people who are single and don't have someone to love them... i'm not comfortable with my body at all and he's always said how beautiful i am... so i just think if you are happy with the person you are with you don't need to be around other NAKED girls... so since i was making such a big deal about it he decided that he should tell me that him and his cousin went to a strip club a few weeks ago and it was the first time he ever had went to one and he was "fasinated by it" (his words)... so now i'm really upset but then he continues to tell me that he got a lap dance and not just one but two... one being with the girl TOTALLY naked.. he also told me that he had to get a lap dance so he could brag to his friends at work... i'm totally heart broken over this and the thing that makes me the most upset is that he doens't seem to see the problem or think there is anything wrong with his actions...i don't know what to do im so close to breaking up with him but he is the only person i've ever loved and i always thought we would be together forever.. OH and he won't let me pay for anything not even to come see him so he's trying to save so i can go visit so now i wonder how much he actually spent at this strip club that could have been put away for me to come visit.. i want to know if i'm over reacting and being uptight or if i have reason to be so upset... i should also add that he said he wouldn't allow me to go to a male strip club (not that i asked because i'm not interested) and doesn't even like it if i talk to other guys..the other day i was going to the county fair and he said "make sure you don't talk to any boys" KNOWING what he did a few weeks ago...AHHH i'm so mad ..please help me

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To me a guy who actually enjoys being danced on my a naked woman he doesn't even know meanwhile having a girlfriend, is a pig. I would leave him you seem like a really sweet girl and you don't need to be with a guy who has no respect for you or women in general.

He got a lap dance? Would he mind if you gave a man a lap dance?NAKED! Sorry if you get a dance that's way out of order and is cheating. Come on naked women all over your boyfriend he wouldn't do that in front of you. And if a lap dance is'nt cheating then what is, a blowjob? He seems to want to go back for more? Find someone that has eyes for you. An doesn't make you feel this way and doesn't let naked women on top of him, I don't believe some men think that's OK? Do men thing its OK? Let me no! Can men see it from our point of view? How intimating it is?

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Originally Posted by stuntedspider

he got a lap dance? would he mind if u gave a man a lap dance?NAKED! sorry if you get a dance thats way out of order and is cheating. come on naked women all over your bf he wouldnt do that infront of you. and if a lap dance is'nt cheating then what is, a blowjob? he seems to want to go back for more? find someone that has eyes for you. an doesnt make you feel this way and doesnt let naked women on top of him, i dont belive some men think thats ok? do men thing its ok? let me no! can men see it from our point of view? how intimating it is?

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I don't think a man getting a lap dance is a big deal myself but I would respect my GF wishes about the subject. I have had GF who have gone to strip clubs with me and I have had GF who didn't want me to go and I didn't. However I also had a GF who didn't want me to go because she wanted me to give her the money lol Which I thought was funny cause I couldn't say give me the money instead of you going to the club? Lol

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Originally Posted by kuulski

I dont think a man getting a lap dance is a big deal myself but I would respect my GF wishes about the subject. I have had GF who have gone to strip clubs with me and i have had GF who didnt want me to go and I didnt. However I also had a GF who didnt want me to go because she wanted me to give her the money lol Which I thought was funny cause I couldnt say give me the money instead of you going to the club? lol

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So you got a lap danceinfront of your girlfriend? And your OK with that? Do you not find that werid like if a bloke came on to her at party is that OK? Like in front of you? Touching her clothes or none, and you think a lapdance is no prob if you have a girlfriend? Would you tables turned? Do you not see our point of view and how we get upset that you wld want a naked fit girl turning you on and grinding you? And the thought of it makes us jealous, society is messed up that its OK for our boyfriend to pay like £100 to get a naked women on them when they have a girlfriend! What do you gain? Makes us insecure and what to hurt men back. X

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Originally Posted by stuntedspider

so you got a lap danceinfront of your girlfriend? and your ok with that? do you not find that werid like if a bloke came on to her at party is that ok? like infront of you? touching her clothes or none, and u think a lapdance is no prob if you have a gf? would u tables turned? do u not see our point of view and how we get upset that u wld want a naked fit girl turning you on and grinding you? and the thought of it makes us jealous, society is messed up that its ok for our bf to pay like £100 to get a naked women on them when they have a girlfriend! what do you gain? makes us insecure and what to hurt men back. x

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I did get a lapdance in front of a couple ex girlfriends I mean they were wild but they were not bothered by it. When I have my bachelor party 1 day I do think I will be getting at least 1 lapdance lol. I completely understand your position I just haven't really had a girlfriend make a big deal out of it. If I love a women and lap dances is a deal breaker then hey no more lapdances that just hasn't been the case. Maybe I am lucky? Lol