Ask Me Help Desk - Need a few answers

Ok, well my girlfriend dumped me a few weeks ago, we were almost 4 years together. I am 20 now she is 19. To keep the story short, it was unexpected and I still cannot find a concrete reason as to why she did it, I am thinking it could be psychological on her part. I have read various stories on this board regarding guys who claim they did everything for their girlfriends and I am sure, just like I believe I was, many of the guys here were deeply in love and committed and have had a lot of problems understanding what happened as they believe to have given their best. Either way, rather than tell my story, which would be a repetition and have many similarities to many other stories on this board I have a few questions:

1) Ok, she didn't want me to contact her. I did call her a few times after she dumped me and did send emails. Yes, it was wrong and I never got a reply, well maybe one or two. So, I stuck to the No contact rule (yup learnt it here). Anyhow, 3 weeks later yesterday she rang me and asked me if I was the one who kept calling her. I said No and she said "ok bye". Then I said to her, "is that all you want to say?". She then asked me how I was and I said I am very good (not very true). And she sounded surprised when I said that. I told her I had a friend over who is a girl from back in high school with whom I got very close with and my ex knows her as well. As soon as I said this though, she became very hostile, voice went louder, she wanted to know more. So I ask myself, from a human behaviour standpoint what does this signal? Why does she always want to know so bad whom I am with or which girls I have met? I mean she was the one who said to me to go out have fun meet, new girls, have one night stands etc. So why the reaction?

2) Secondly, I then told her I missed her (oh oh, big no no right?) She said "I know that, but you shouldnt miss me since I dumped you". I was like "eh, it is natural for a human to miss someone when they have loved them and spend such a long time together". She said "ye your right". I then asked if she missed me. She said "no". Huh? I was like "hmm that is weird, you would think a human would in your circumstance". She then said, let me add she is going back to japan tomorrow to see her parents again and has been moving her stuff out of uni accommodation so she was all stressed out as well at the time, "i dont know what I am anymore, i dont know myself". I basically wished her lots of fun in japan and hope she finds herself. Anyway, what do you make of this? Does she really not miss me, is she just saying that. She did write me an email early on in the breakup saying she would miss me very much. Is this girl suffering psychologically? I really feel sorry for her as this whole break up thing happened when I left the UK and went back home to visit my parents in Germany and doing a 7 week summer job. I did promise to visit her and fly to her in london a few times before going to Japan with her so she wouldn't be in London alone (having friends who left the country for summer and not having seen parents for 9months). She went from one week to saying she misses me to the next dumping me cause she didn't think I was the right one. She wanted to experience... (its a long story). My question then, do you think she misses me? She did love me after all, she always wanted me by her side and was always happy when I visited her. Or is she just saying that cause she doesn't want to give me hopes... more likey? Or because she was so stressed about moving, she really could not have time to think about missing me, as she claimed on the phone? What do you guys think.

3) I told her, if there is a possibility to get back with her, I would do it but I wouldn't be the one chasing her like I always have every time we had very short breakups (like 1 day, pathetic). She didn't comment. Ontop of that I doubt she would ever chase to get me back cause she would rather keep her dignity and not show that what she did was wrong. She is very stubborn too sometimes. Anyway, my question is. I am having troubles thinking I could ever get back with her after she has slept with someone. I was her first and she was mine. Maybe, had she had a boyfriend before me I would be OK with it, but somehow because I was her first and she was my first the thought hurts me, I would feel violated somehow. Any advice, am I wrong to feel this way? Either way, I do trust she wouldn't sleep around with random guys she isn't like that. I just hope if she ever does change her mind (and I am not hoping that she come back to me, as hoping will just kill me more everyday) she has not slept with someone in the meantime. Please assist on the above.

1) No contact means no contact regardless of who does the contacting. If she calls you don't answer. By answering the phone you put yourself into a backslide. The way it works is as follows" she either gets all of you or none of you. Is she taking all of you? No? Then she gets none.

2) If she said she doesn't miss you then she doesn't miss you. Take her at her word. Its not you job anymore to read into her words. Words you never should have heard in the first place because you were supposed to be no contact

3) This conversation never should have happened. What you did was sorry this is blunt, but pathetic. Yes she will sleep with other people and go out and live her life. I also found that wrong that you would consider her sullied by sleeping with another male. What are you going to do when you date a girl who has had more partners then you? That statement alone tells me you are extremely immature and have a lot of growing up to do which just means you cannot handle a real, long term relationship.

Hmm, I don't know why but your last reply did not make me feel any better just worse, guess it was the tone you are replying at. Either way, I know a lot of the things I feel and did were wrong. I even admitted to them in my post. So basically you are saying, if in a month when she comes back from her holiday, if she calls me I should not answer? The only reason I answered yesterday is because she called me a few times, got me worried. Sorry for being that way, I just care too much. Can't help it, I am fresh out of a break up I do realize that I am still ,making mistakes, but I am gradually making less as time progresses and I adjust to the whole situation. Secondly, it seems like what you understood by the whole sleeping with other guys comment of mine, is that I am asking her to restrict herself from doing so. NO, I was trying to ask if the way I feel is normal, and if there are any other people on this board in my situation who feel the same way I have. Of course, I have to come to terms that she will see and possibly sleep with other guys, of course I can't restrict her from that. But I am curious to know if there are any guys in my position who felt the same and might have got back with their ex, and how they handled the situation. If your reply is going to be hostile then I would rather not hear it, hostility just makes things worse as much as you would like to tell others they are stupid and immature for their actions. People in my position are vulnerable and emotional here so try to act more mature yourself if you want to help than trying to emphasize that I am an immature idiot (because many of us are and know that we are behaving irrational, that is why we have come here for help). Either way, I do appreciate the fact you replied.

The reason the tone is harsh is because out of a break up you need to brought back into reality. I don't want to see you mope around and wallow in self pity or pine for someone who has moved on. Its not fair to you. We have all been there before and I know that going no contact is your best route to go and to try to get over this girl instead of holding onto the hope that she is coming back.

Yes thanks. But that's the thing, I know she has moved on, on the other hand it is just so hard to accept. It is so unreal sometimes, because I can't imagine myself doing the same. It is not in my nature. I just can't see a human, I am not speaking of her only, acting and doing what she did. It just makes you think how cruel people can be sometimes. When you think of this person who loved you, who did nice things for you, visited you, talked about you to her friend, even went as far as to talk about marriage and kids bla bla bla with you suddenly just turns on you like that and can even tell you they don't miss you. It was so sudden, we had no problems at the time we were happy. Just makes you wonder if that person has seriously gone mentally crazy or has some serious dislike towards you all of a sudden which you don't know about. But for what reason, did I kill her dog, cheat on her? I wonder if her loneliness affected her. But ye, maybe you don't believe me but I have moved on, very slowly, but I still seek answers for the benefit of myself in knowing better in the future. I am going out again and I don't have a bad mood everyday as I use to but I still seek answers to her behaviour. I wonder why she reacts the way she does to certain things, like in the topic of girls. What does that mean? I am interested also in the psychology. Hopes, those I have none, but when you read my posts I am sure many are skeptical of that. Its all a battle of emotions vs logic and time and I am positive over time logic will prevail.

Here is something that might help. One of our members created a survival guide of sorts to help those who been dumped:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

I once had a chick dump me with the lamest excuse of "my boyfriends are supposed to meet my parents first"
Even though she probably knew that when she asked me out
I didn't even understand why she liked me... all she said was "looks arent everything" when I asked her why
I never found out the reason she dumped me lolz, and it kind of bugs me sometimes not knowing why, because getting dumped is usually worthwhile for me, because I learn what I'm doing wrong (out of their reason for doing so) and then am able to change that so I'm better for the next person
Well, at least I did learn some things from it, but never the big important thing
What did I do do get dumped?
You got to find out why mate, one of important things, so you can be a better guy for the next time around.

Why she dump me you ask? Well from what I have gathered, I think various reasons have caused her to change her mind so quickly as she did. First, she was homesick, she was stuck in a tiny student accommodation room in london, probably messy and dirty as ever, eating crap, friend have left for summer, I left for summer (although I was going to visit her every 2 weeks before we went to japan together), she has not seen her parents for almost a year. That could have been one of the reasons. Secondly, while she was alone, she started to think of marriage. I don't know why, it is kind of early too, but one day she told me "i dont know if you are the one for me". I asked her if she was having second thoughts about me she replies that she wasn't but she was just questioning if she married me if I would be the right one cause she has not "experienced". Ok, there was that whole debate with us having different perspectives. To be honest, I think people should not think about it and just let it happen. If you love somebody and are confident they will support you and even your kids, which she felt positively about me then why even start thinking about it. Leave it to fate. Thirdly, which has been talked about a lot here. Sometimes doing too much can backfire. I did everything for her. I mean almost everything. Call me her b!tch if you like. Less is more is the valuable lesson here as many have learned. Maybe she got bored, maybe she got to use to the way I was that it was so normal she forgot how to appreciate (which I felt was often the case). Girls I meet now who are experienced, who know me and what I have done for my ex, find it hard to believe she dumped me. Then again, I call them experienced but are they really? Given they have not experienced my type maybe they don't know what my ex went through? Tricky stuff, confusing, I think there is no answer but the trick is to find an equilibrium in your actions towards your partner. Don't give much don't give to little. That is what I think now at least. She took the worst of me and made it into a huge issue as to make it into a legitimate excuse in dumping me. I could do the same but I always tolerated her faults and always knew they could be fixed when she got older and matured. Same with me. I just think my ex could not committ. She was not very tolerant of mistakes, although she was far from perfect herself. I think her japanese background might have some role as well as the fact that she lacked a lot of guidance because she was very stubborn from small. Her parents even feared her at times. Not to say she wasn't a sweet, very cute girl but she did have an intimidating aggression to her, which is also rather rare for girls in her culture. Then again she was brought up in Europe most her teenage life and integrated very well so she isn't as Japanese as most. And the big one, which we all hate to think about, she might have met somebody else. Perfect time to do so, especially when you are lonely. Maybe she has met her rebound guy whom she thinks can replace me, but realistically in such a short time how serious can she be. All I wish for now, while she is gone home for the summer is that she gets time to reflect. She will have the time now, without stress to calm down and think about things. This is not my way in hinting I hope she re-thinks me, but I hope her holiday and being back with family and friends will give her the chance to clear her mind and realize if she made any mistakes and what path she wants to take in the future. To To find herself and what kind of person she desires to be with, be it with me or somebody else.

Why do you hate to think that?
I would be happy, thinking that at least the reason they dumping you is to make sumeone else happy.

If only it were that simple to accept, especially when you are the person who was trying to make her happy.

Glindaofoz, one question. You say she doesn't miss me, but what makes you think it is so clear cut? I did explain her situation, is there not the slightest possibility that she is just saying that out of another intention such as me not having hopes, or the possibility she might have been a bit pissy about me having another girl over at my house? I mean I am not trying to deny she is might not be missing me but it can't always be so straightforward.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gmspitali

I told her I had a friend over who is a girl from back in high school with whom I got very close with and my ex knows her as well. As soon as I said this though, she became very hostile, voice went louder, she wanted to know more.

I think she is jealous, and may have gotten hostile because in her mind you have moved on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gmspitali

So I ask myself, from a human behaviour standpoint what does this signal? Why does she always want to know so bad whom I am with or which girls I have met?

This again probably means jealousy and wants to compare her to the other girls.

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Originally Posted by gmspitali

My question then, do you think she misses me?

I believe she misses you but she may not be in love with you any more.

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Originally Posted by gmspitali

Or is she just saying that cause she doesnt want to give me hopes...more likey?

Probably, be thankful she's not stringing you along like most people do when they breakup.

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Originally Posted by gmspitali

Or because she was so stressed about moving, she really could not have time to think about missing me, as she claimed on the phone? What do you guys think.

I still believe when she is alone she misses you but when you stay busy you won't think of that person as much, which you should be doing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gmspitali

on top of that I doubt she would ever chase to get me back cause she would rather keep her dignity and not show that what she did was wrong.

This statement should actually help you when you finally let go of her. Why would you even want to get back if she's that selfish just to worry about her dignity.

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Originally Posted by gmspitali

my question is. I am having troubles thinking I could ever get back with her after she has slept with someone.

That's something you have to figure out on your own.

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Originally Posted by gmspitali

but somehow because I was her first and she was my first the thought hurts me, I would feel violated somehow.

This is a normal feeling after a breakup, although my and ex and I have had other partners before we met. That didn't bother me. It's been 6 1/2 months since she broke up with me and the thought of her sleeping with someone else still bothers me.

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Originally Posted by gmspitali

Any advice, am I wrong to feel this way?

No, this a normal feeling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gmspitali

I just hope if she ever does change her mind (and I am not hoping that she come back to me, as hoping will just kill me more everyday) she has not slept with someone in the meantime. Please assist on the above.

Regardless if she sleeps with someone else, she's not your problem no more. Let her go don't talke her phone calls or anything. I believe she's gone and she doesn't love you no more. Once you except that this relationship is over you will begin to heal. You have a long road a head of you. But stay busy, go out with friends and don't sit around and moop over her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gmspitali

glindaofoz, one question. You say she doesnt miss me, but what makes you think it is so clear cut? I did explain her situation, is there not the slightest possibility that she is just saying that out of another intention such as me not having hopes, or the possiblity she might have been a bit pissy about me having another girl over at my house? I mean I am not trying to deny she is might not be missing me but it can't always be so straightforward.

What I mean is right now the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is take her at her word. Its not your concern right now what she is thinking or feeling or wanting. Your only concern should be you and you getting healthy and moving on. After a break up its easy to dwell on things and say oh yeas she misses me and fill your head with all sorts of romantic scenarios that just are not true.

The reason she was pissy because if you have a girl over that means you aren't at home crying over her. When people break up they want to know that they devastated that other person and that they could have that person back at the drop of a hat. If you move on you're not her Plan B anymore. Read through some of the other threads on here I think you'll gain a lot of insight into a break up.

Was this your first relationship? You sort of alude to it being so.

Thanks SAB123, another very helpful reply. But damn 6 months later and still be thinking about other guys sleeping with her. I hope I can overcome that thought more quick. Sounds rather stupid, somehow I also feel as if my ex's physical appearance influences me with this whole sleeping with other guys issue. My ex, she was rather short and cute. She was pretty but most of all was more the cute type. I just can't imagine some guy being in this cute "innocent" looking little girl which was mine and felt was my baby sometimes. Its weird sounding I know. Anyway, this is all taking too much time and energy. Glindaofoz did make a very straightforward point, I have to get fully over it!

Yes was my first long term serious relationship. Had girlfriends before, but nothing serious. She was the first girl who really struck me as being the one I wanted to be with and the one for whom my love was always fresh for. Haha, sometimes I step out of my body and look at myself and what I am writing here and just think how pathetic I look or sound. Unfortunately, I can't help it although I see it. It is funny in a way, cause I know that in a matter of time I might come back here and just think "oh god" what was that all about.

My ex fiancé and I were together for almost 5 years and she was my first love. So that is why it's probably taking a little longer.

You will and this will happen a number of times. In this life we get our heats broken and we break hearts. The pain is too much then we heal and move on. Believe me you go no contact and start to work on healing in 60 days things will look a lot different. Its not going to be easy, nobody on here would even dream of telling you that. The first 60 days are like detox its like going through drug withdrawal or something. You will backslide and have set backs and stumble and fall more time then you can count but once you are standing on top of that 60 day hill you will breath a sigh of relief knowing you are getting closer to getting better.

Yes thanks glindaofoz. Actually, I am glad that I know this myself as well, this is how I see the future. But as you say I am still at that stage where I am stumbling and getting up again. Eventually I will learn how to walk again. And when I learn how to walk I will learn how to run... (cough) from her. Hehe, anways, thanks. Everything helps.

Remember we are all here all the time to offer some encouraging words and some advice. You will never be alone as long as you post something here!

Quote:

Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

Here is something that might help. One of our members created a survival guide of sorts to help those who been dumped:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

Thanks for this! Wish I had seen this earlier. Really helps.