Ask Me Help Desk - Is My Husband Gay or Bisexual?

:confused:

The following email below is a sampling of at least three same type emails from a young guy in his mid twenties that my husband knew from previous jobs and now no longer works alongside with him. This young guy is in his mid twenties, and I remember about a year ago that I went to my husbands employment to meet him for lunch. I was introduced to everyone accept him. It appeared to me that my husband did not want to introduce me to him and just showed me him from down the hallway.

We have been married for some 28 years. He does like to look at lesbian sex. He always is complimenting me on how sexy I look, ect. He tells me he loves me all the time. He says those nice things to me so often though that it doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. I find them just words and I think actions speak louder than words.

We do have great marital problems one being me having no trust. If you are wondering why I am reading his emails anyway, it is because I feel that I have to. I know it is wrong, but I can’t go into those reasons why I feel I need to right now. I can only tell you that I do not trust this guy and I have to protect myself.

If I knew that I could take care of myself out in the world, I would leave him. But, I am afraid to be alone. If I knew the true answer if my husband is bisexual or whatever, it would answer so many questions why he kept a separate mailbox in the past.

Here is a sample of at least three other emails that were similar, but maybe without any mention of any woman.

I’m gonna lunch you so hard you’re gonna cry out for Sam. Ask the office girl if she’ll suck your and see if she nods

The girl he is talking about is a new employee that just started at my husband job and I understand she is hot looking. In last week’s email this same young guy stated something similar as above. He said he was going to lunch you for long long time, and then mentiones the topic of “But, not the black guy, he is too big.”

I hope he is joking? I need to know what is going on here? Is this young guy just trying to be funny? Is this typical men talking between friends. I want to believe he is just joking, but then a part of me says that this is not appropriate talk. What do ya think? Maybe I should just stop reading my husband's emails huh?

Thanks
Jan

Hi there... Well GOD bless you... I do not think he is joking... I think he isXXXXXX, you did not mention why you can not leave him... nothing is impossible... you have to be aware that if he is gay or bisexual it means he can transmit very dangerous sexual disease. I do suggest that you prepare yourself to leave him and then confront him and see what he is going to say... but I want to tell you something… the core thing in any kind of relationship is TRUST... and you said that you can not trust him and you are reading his e-mails to protect yourself which means you don't only trust him but also you do not feel secured in this relationship... so what are you waiting for??

Take care of yourself.

Ms. Redrose

I agree that the core to any relationship is trust. I would like to add, communication. If you have been married so long, surely you can communicate what is or has been happening in each other's lives.

If you have been having a problem with trust, then now is the time to open up the dialogues concerning that with him. Why wait? The ball is in your court. Openness, trust and communication are at the forefront for successful relationships. If you want your relationship to continue to go as it has been, then so be it. But, if you want it to improve, then communicate with him. Counselling may also be an option here. The choice is yours.

I would encourage you to just ask him about these things straight up. What are you going to lose by doing that? If he is faithful to you, then he will tell you what is going on. It could just be joking around. I do that with some gay friends of mine. Never leads to anything else.

I know all about what is trust is supposed to be. I know all about what is communication supposed to be and what both are so important in a marriage He has committed what one could say financial infidelity in the past. This last time (two years ago) was for $43,000 in credit card debt (some bills I knew about, but I had no idea that our credit card debt was for that amount). I research what the average american's credit card debt was and at that time it was a measly $9,000.

He repeatedly said that he was sorry. I told him he needed mental help, so he went to a psychologist who thought he was ADHD and prescribed appropriate medicine for that. I sometimes think that this psychologist was just a man who said "here, take this and see if she will buy it."

I allowed him to pay all the bills in the past, now I do it all in an accounting program. He has repeated to me that he is sorry for what he has done and that he loves me. He has even acted like he was suicidal because of what he has done, so he is now on an antidepressant.

So, you never told me what you thought about the emails? I now have the issue of wondering if my husband is gay too. Or, maybe it is just that young guy that is gay or bisexual. My husband has been so apologetic over the last two years over what he did (having a separate mail box and runnning our credit into the ground). I just don't know what to think now. I thought we could move on with the credit card debt.

Jan

And I have asked him what is going on and if he was having an affair initially because I noticed how before you knew it he was leaving the house and doing errands that took him too long to complete. I finally found out what he was doing. He was going around the cornor to a tanning salon getting him a bikini tan.

I don't think that there is enough info in the e-mail you included to make out whether your husband is gay. I'm female, but have heard lots of my husband and his friends bantering that have included gay connotations... but it's more to joke around in the sense that one guy is superior to another. It has no real connection to homosexuality.

The real issue is one you laid out yourself... what communication is 'supposed' to be like. Your husband is still trying to make up for his... 'financial infidelities (odd term) that sounds like he hasn't been forgiven for. If you want to make your marriage work, you have to share your thoughts with him and see him as your partner as opposed to someone you need to protect yourself from. Have you tried marriage counselling or any counselling on your own to get back on track with him?

Don't get me wrong, I can understand how awful it must have been for you to find out about your husband's irresponsible spending. Trust has been broken. But I think you'll have to set your mind to either (1) trying to forgive and moving forward together or (2) admitting that you cannot or will not forgive (your self preservation) and moving on alone.

I think he is gay myself.

Hmmm. Weird. I read that line and I thoguht how do you know the E-mail is from a guy, not a gal pretending to be guy frind from work because they both know you read E-mails. Sounds like a hot fantasy of one girl wanting two guys, or a bi girl hitting on your husband to me.

The profile of an E-mail can be a disguise. Are you two still having sex? Is that a working part of your relationship? If not, then you have some really serious problems.

Once you are both not interested in sexing one another, the problems have grown psychologically! Are you interested in him sexually? If so, the other stuff can be repaired.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jan Smith60

If you are wondering why I am reading his emails anyway, it is because I feel that I have to. I know it is wrong, but I can’t go into those reasons why I feel I need to right now. I can only tell you that I do not trust this guy and I have to protect myself.

Perhaps these reasons for your lack of trust are the key to all of this. Perhaps if they are so bad then it is a good reason for you to sit up and take notice and do something about it. That could well be a termination to your relationship.

I think the most common reason why women stay in an unhappy marriage is because they think they won't manage alone. But if that is the way you want to go, you have to find the courage to make that step. The situation won't change unless you make it change.

I don't understand how you could be so concerned about that email. It seems pretty obvious to me that it is an inside joke. Who honestly uses "lunch" in place of "have sex"? I think this marriage is doomed for other reasons... perhaps the reasons the OP didn't want to go into in this post. Do you think you're questioning his heterosexuality because you think it is the only reason that will get you out of this marriage without blame? There are many reasons for divorce, and unless there is cheating or stealing, I don't think it's appropriate to blame one individual in the couple.