Can someone please help me. I am 18 years old and the oldest of a large family. My mother isn't a happy person. She is always in a bad mood, and I feel like she is only happy with non family members. Granted, my younger siblings are really a handful, but I don't think that they are so abnormally difficult to deal with. Everyday it's the same things, they fight or get a little rowdy (which I think is normal for kids!), my mother yells and cries and everone is just upset the whole day. I just stay out of it unless my mother yells at me unprovoked (which happens pretty often.) I really wish my mother would see a pshycologist or talk to someone outside of the family about all this, because the atmosphere in my house is just so unhappy and tense all the time, but she would never do such a thing. I almost feel like she doesn't want to do anything about the issue, she would be happy if all her kids just sat sliently and stared at the wall all day, as long as they never made any mess or noise. She doesn't seem to like any of us or get any joy from her family. I really don't have such warm feelings towards her because of all of this and I wish I wasn't living at home, but for now I have no choice. I really want my mother to be different. I feel like she doesn't like me as a person, and I've told her this, she doesn't seem to care so much and just says to me "well you dont like me." First of all, although I don't feel so warmly towards her these days, I never start up with her unprovoked and am always offering to help her and I thank her for eveything she does for me, so I haven't given her reason to think I don't like her. And second of all, isn't it the parent who comes first and has the unconditional love towards the child? I feel like she thinks that we are sisters or something.
Can anyone explain to me what her problem is or give me any advice.

Stop the dead-end conversations about home and your mother being happy or not. Knock yourself out to make your household a happier, more cooperative place. Try it for a week. You have the knowledge, imagination, and experience to make it happen.

After a week, tell us what happened. Then we can make plans.

OK, I can try to make an effort to lighten the atmosphere, thank you for the advice, its silly to think that if I have a problem I am helping by being passive about it.

Just to vent though- I feel very angry at my mother that she has allowed things to get to this point, she isn't acting like an adult at all, I know I can't change her, and can only change myself, so this is pointless, but I wish she would change!

Also, another thing that bothers me, how come the second she gets on the phone with a friend she is happy? Why doesn't she like us?

Gaelle,
It's not easy being the child and having to be the adult over your own parents.
If there are a lot of children, it's quite possible that she's over stressed.
Perhaps over the years of caring for a large family, she lost something inside herself.
I've seen and read a lot about this and even felt myself losing part of me in the past because I never allowed myself to have any "me" time.
I know it must be painful but your mother is obviously going through something her self as well.
I agree, your mother needs to be a grown up and stop making the household miserable.
Maybe you could suggest that you will take care of your siblings and the house one day a week so that she can have a day to go out and do something for herself.
If your mom has "play time" perhaps she won't be such a grouch.
Good luck!

That's probably because talking to her friend is "play time"...
It's something she enjoys doing, so it makes her happy.

But she probably needs more than that...
Maybe a little structure and a daily schedule will also help
Calm the house down some and give it more order so it's not so stressful.

Why doesn't she enjoy her kids, doesn't a parent just naturally like their kids and like being in their presence. She talks to her friends a lot.

I don't understand, I don't do anything not nice to her, I really am a good daughter, I always accommodate her and offer to help her out and do nice things for her, and she always talks to me in an annoyed tone of voice and criticizes me etc... Why doesn't she like me or appreciate me at all?

I agree with you and see your point.
You and your siblings shouldn't be made to feel like your mother doesn't care about you or love you.
Stress and unhappiness with ones own life (job, carrier, self esteem, etc) can cause a person to be mean and hateful toward the ones they love.

I enjoy my children, but do need breaks every once in a while.

Maybe your mother is warn down and possibly depressed.

What are your mothers days like?
How many kids, does she work outside the home?
Does she do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by gaelle

i dont understand, i don't do anything not nice to her, I really am a good daughter, I always accomadate her and offer to help her out and do nice things for her, and she always talks to me in an annoyed tone of voice and critisizes me etc... Why doesn't she like me or appreciate me at all?!

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From what you're saying, it sounds like you are a good daughter and I'm sorry for what your feeling.
I don't know why some parents treat there kids like an inconvenience.
It happens and it's sad.
If nothing suggested works, then at least you will not have to live with it much longer.
Just try to be there as much as you can for your siblings so that they have someone in their life they can look up to.

My mother has been home for the summer. During the year she works in the mornings as an assistant in a first grade classroom and she likes it. We have seven kids in the family ages 6 to 18. We have a cleaning lady, and my mother does the cooking and laundry.
From the limited perspective of her 18 year old daughter, I do think she needs help. There is nothing so terrible in her life. My father is a well respected member of our town. They have a good marrige, but fight sometimes (which is normal), she has 7 healthy children who are not bad people, just normal kids who sometimes can be hard to deal with, get into trouble and make noise. I help her with alot; food shopping, watching the younger kids, running errands, washing the dishes, sometimes cooking.
I can't judge someone till I am in their place, but I acn't understand why she is so unhappy.

My mother has been home for the summer. During the year she works in the mornings as an assistant in a first grade classroom and she likes it. We have seven kids in the family ages 6 to 18. We have a cleaning lady, and my mother does the cooking and laundry.
From the limited perspective of her 18 year old daughter, I do think she needs help. There is nothing so terrible in her life. My father is a well respected member of our town. They have a good marrige, but fight sometimes (which is normal), she has 7 healthy children who are not bad people, just normal kids who sometimes can be hard to deal with, get into trouble and make noise. I help her with alot; food shopping, watching the younger kids, running errands, washing the dishes, sometimes cooking.
I can't judge someone till I am in their place, but I acn't understand why she is so unhappy.
So you basically think that its just a situation I have to deal with, can't do anything about, and I should just focus on the future?

Honey, it sounds like your doing everything you can possibly do to make things better, and it's not working.
I'm not saying to give up on your mom or a happy family life, just saying that you're 18 and an adult now, so you can make your own choices.
What ever your choices may be, just don't forget about your siblings - they need someone (a motherly roll model) in their life to look up to and that person could be you.

OK, thanks for the advice and sympathy, I appreciate it!

Dear Galle
Your household needs immediate help.
Thanks for reaching out. Obviously your mother is unable to look beyond herself. Does she have a husband, a boyfriend, a brother, a cousin any male figure who can give her a hand with some of the things only a man is effective at accomplishing to get the household running smoothly? Perhaps not. That's okay. Does she have a job, even part-tim? That could also be beneficial to the management of the family but personally to her to keep her psyche up.
In any case, you sound like a caring and good person who realizes things need to be better but does not quite know what SHE herself can do about it. You are part of your mom's support structure, so, try the following:

1. Tell your mom simply that you love her very much when you all start each day. Be pleasant, no matter what is going on. And, yes, do help out as much as you can.

2. Ask your mom what she would like to do for a change. See a movie with one of her friends that she talks on the phone with-tell her she should go once and see if she likes it.

3. Observe all that needs to get done in the house and assign chores to your syblings-such as 1) doing the laundry 2) folding clothes and putting them away 3) loading/unloading the dishwasher, etc

4. Go around the house before leaving for school to see everyone made their areas neat and once before going to bed to see everyone has returned home and is safe. Talk with each sister/brother briefly about what was the high/low point of their day and offer guidance.

5. Get an interesting article [short 1 page] or a news item of something positive if possible about women your mom's age and share it with her over a dinner you help fix.

If you do these things for even a month, you'll see difference.
If your mother needs medication for a low thyroid-level or to counter the difficulties of peri-menopausal time, etc, however, you'll need to make sure you get her good medical care.
I hope all of this advice helps.
Good Luck
Keep cheerful-these are not relationships that go away and these are relationships that can be mended to become very beautiful life-long support structures and pleasant associations-a luck reserved only for families, functional [or disfunctional since they can become functional at any moment!]

I am not a professional but am guessing your mother is worn out and worn down, and is in a period of depression. She loves you and your siblings but feels bogged down and overwhelmed, and she wants to be more on top of things and more loving toward you, so on top of her other frustrations she probably feels inadequate.

I would suggest that you work with your siblings to, without being asked by your mother, go out of your way to help her. Do the dishes without being asked and ask her to sit down and relax. Pick up your rooms and make your beds without reminders. Give her your time on a Saturday and do whatever she asks all day.

Actions will help, but words will probably fall on deaf ears until she sees that you are making an effort over an extended period. When you have done some things for her for several weeks, she might be more receptive to you telling her that you are worried about her sadness, and want her to talk to her doctor about whether she might be in a depression. Make it about your worry about her, and not how it's affecting others.

I hope that helps.

If you are doing your bit to contribute and make the atmosphere more positive and she's still negative, at least you are showing your younger siblings another example that's more helpful to them and it will be a great gift to your family. Also, when your focus is on what you are doing instead of how you are being treated, the behavior of your mother will take less importance in your life.

My wife grew up in a family a lot like yours, only worse because her father was an alcoholic. She is the second child of eight and the oldest girl, so she was the "assistant-associate-backup-surrogate-mother" to all her younger siblings. Her mother was overworked, overworried, overstressed and pretty unhappy a lot of the time. Growing up this way deprived her of a normal childhood and left a residual of anger and bitterness that has yet to completely dissolve.

Please don't let this happen to you. I really feel for you and wish you didn't have to go through this, but we don't get to choose our parents, and the truth is, some people are not very good at the job. Help your mother as best you can--you've gotten some good advice about how to do that--but getting a determinedly unhappy, crabby person to see the silver lining and lighten up is a really tall order, and it might not happen. Do what you can for your siblings as well, but there again, you aren't their mother and can't fully compensate for the mistakes she's making. It's a fine line between helping and enabling. You sound like a really kind, generous soul. Just don't try to take on responsibilities that aren't really yours, and then suffer the guilt that comes from being unable to fulfill them. It's not yours to bear.