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Just a little update. I went to see my counselor toady. Just got back. I also talked to my ex today. The ex does not trust me. She is having nightmares about us having a house and a family and me cheating on her in the garage. She has very little reason not to trust me so I know this is her and not me.
I was talking to my counselor about how I didn't feel a connection between us. He told me he thinks I'm closer to her than I think and maybe this is all scaring her. Maybe she is self destructing the relationship. She doesn't trust, not just me, but just trust period.
This gave me so much relief, I have been blaming myself all this time. I do trust this, because I know therapist don't like to speculate on the other person. They have meet one time.
We also talked about some of the manipulation that went on on her side, like constant giving of attention and constant needing of attention. And the saying of things that she didn't say, arguing the color of black and white. (this seems silly but is very serious after years of it)
She is really having a hard time, missing work, throwing up and is having these bad dreams. She also has a lot of guilt. She thinks she is the bad guy. She has always felt very obligated to everyone.
All of my stupid anxiety is easing and I'm finding out I do love her a lot more than I thought. At first I thought it might be me that couldn't get close. So I'm now going to be able to love her without so many strings. I think she does love and like being with me but her trust is in the way. Maybe me being there for her without all the (do you want to get back together)questions will ease some of her pain and give her some trust.
I know this is what you guys have all been saying but I had to go through the detox first. But ultimately its her that has to trust me as I have not betrayed it. She has to trust me if this is going to work, and if she plain old doesn't want to be with me, somebody else will.
At the end of our conversation I told her that I was and always been there for her and that she could trust me. I then asked her if she wanted to talk later she said no, lets end this on a good note today. I said OK. After I got out of therapy I send her a text telling her to have a good day and that I am here for her if she needs me. Her dad is in surgery right now. It was really nice texting her without the want of a response.
I hope she can learn to trust me. We both are good faithful people who both have strong family values but both of our past have been in the way.
She's feels she is the bad guy. She doesn't trust me and is having bad dreams. She isn't doing well with this. Any clue what is up with her. She does have a pretty bad family life.