I have never been much of a dater. My prior experiences have been that I would go out with someone, we would click, and that was it. I have now just started dating after being divorced for several years. In the process, I have met a number of men that don't interest me for one reason or another. Just recently, I met a man that I really like, and I would like to know him better. I am encouraged because he is a very nice guy -- kind; endlessly considerate, confident and decisive -- all qualities that I appreciate, and he expresses an equal interest in me.

His drive for sex is incredibly high and he expresses his desire openly, early, and often. For some, sex soon after meeting someone is not a problem. He falls into that category, but it has never worked for me. I like to know a little more about a person. That helps me build intimacy, and it makes it more meaningful. In fact I don't think I can fully be myself without it. We have been on two dates. He has made several attempts at sex, but I have refused. I'm not offended or disinterested; I'm quite flattered. I like sex -- a lot -- but I don't know him as well as I would like to. It's a small hurdle I need to get over. I've never experienced someone coming on this strong this early.

Timing-wise, the need to be so sexual so early feels off, and it throws me out of my comfort zone. I feel unsure of myself or what he wants. I have made my feelings clear, and he tells me he understands. He doesn't behave in a angry or frustrated manner, and he doesn't distance himself from me. He also doesn't tone down his approach. It only seems to make him come on stronger. If he were only in it for sex, I'm sure I would not have heard from him again after the first date, but he he called me for a second date. There was no sex then either, but he now wants to go out a third time.

In some ways, what fuels my discomfort is thinking that perhaps I'm being a little to buttoned up. The whole thing has left me a little confused. This is actually new territory for me and I'm fearful of chasing him away. I don't think he feels that I am not interested in him, and he keps asking to see me. That's good, but in the back of my head I'm fearful that he's a step away from calling things off, and I've thought about calling it off myself. I would like to relax about the whole thing. Obviously I like him, or I wouldn't care, I'm just all over the place trying to figure this thing out.

I was hoping to obtain a little objective advice.

If you are not ready tell him, if he is the right guy for you he will understand and back off some, if on the other hand he really is just a jerk looking to score if he can, then he will not understand you would be better off without him anyway

There are many men who will pursue you for sex, and have no problem wearing you down with 4,5,6. dates as they are very persistent. Just stick by your own guns and they will respect you. If they can't that's their loss not yours. I think your wise, not to just give in for the sake of keeping them interested. Enjoy, have a great time, and if they can handle it date again. If they are after one thing, time will tell and you can kick them to the curb. Do what you feel is best for you, and don't fall for the okey doke.

Thank you. I've experienced enough men who only want sex. This man is not typical in that fashion; which is why I'm willing to hang on. Typically, I would have been gone and on my way at this point if I felt that was all he wanted.

He is very comfortable and at ease with his sexuality in a way I am not with my own. That is part of my difficulty. He has never forced me to do anything, and he doesn't behave impatiently with me. I get wigged out because he expresses his desire in such an open, honest, straight-forward way that I feel pressured, but I don't think wearing me down just so he can get his jollies is his intention. Clearly he wants sex, and he'll certainly take it if I give it, but I don't think he wants it if he feels I'm engaging in it void of my own desire and enjoyment. When I don't reciprocate, he doesn't abandon me physically or emotionally. This is tough because I cannot deny that we have very strong chemistry; which would be very easy for me to give into. Still, I know if I did, my feelings toward him would change. Once a line is crossed into meaningless sex it marks the point of no return, and I would refuse to see him again. I don't want to do that.

Our attraction is clear, but we think in reverse. There are some people who reach intimacy by way of sex. Others can only reach sex by way of intimacy. Clearly, he is the former and I am the latter. I don't think this is about being taken advantage of. I have had numerous examples of that in my past. He doesn't match any of them. He has shown me many highly positive qualities, and they are worth sticking around for. I am the one who is uncomfortable and unsettled with regard to not being on the same page sexually, and I'm still struggling with it. He does seem willing to stick it out, but that doesn't stop him from trying, and that is throwing me off. I fully intend to maintain my stance until it is possible to reach a level of intimacy with him that allows us to move forward. I think that is possible, but I have a tiny bit of uneasiness that makes me think this could be a deal-braker.

The feedback is good. I don't think he's being a jerk or trying to lure me in. It really feels more like a wall between us that I would like to slowly remove. I just want him to take the intesity down a degree or two. That would really help me.

Is there anyone who can relate to what he may be thinking or feeling as I have described it?

Here is one of my favorite saying. IF YOU Don't STAND FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE YOU WILL FALL FOR ANYTHING!
I think that says it all.

I'm getting the feeling that you are struggling with YOUR sexuality from a hetrosexual way as well as from a "frequency" way there might be an imbalance between yours and his needs/wants so watch for that when you do become intimate/sexual.

I think I need further information about your actual sexuality rather than his to gauge just where you might be here.-not being intrusive, just curious, before I could give you my ideas/solution/recommendation..

Cheers

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Xrayman

I think I need further information about your actual sexuality rather than his to gauge just where you might be here.-not being intrusive, just curious, before I could give you my ideas/solution/recommendation..

cheers

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Good question. After my divorce I had to examine this point myself. I actually had not given my sexuality much thought prior to that time.

I was raised to view my sexuality in somewhat rigid, black and white terms. Good girls didn't, bad girls did, no sex before marriage, propriety, reputation, virtue, don't have sex unless you are certain that you are loved... blah blah blah. Though I was held to these standards throughout my upbringing, no one who raised me exemplified these expectations in their own lives. When I became sexually active (in college), my true feelings and desires with regard to sex clashed with my upbringing. The urges were there, but I kept myself in check for a long time. Even in college, I was not a big dater. I had several boyfriends, but I acted exclusively in all my relationships.

When I enter into a sexual relationship, I become very attached to that person to the exclusion of other people. It is one of the reasons I do not engage in casual relationships -- I cannot suppress the feelings of attachment. When I am in a relationship, I am highly sexual. Between relationships, I am celibate.

MMM how about with regards to your sexual orientation-how do you feel about bisexuality lesbianism etc. I understand the frequency element as you describe-but I'm unsure about how you feel within yourself about YOUR sexuality...

Cheers

I am unclear as to how long you've known this man, but taking ime to get to know each other before sex, is a very wise course. And with any relationship talking is essential. If less pressure from him is what you want, just express that to him. Sex to early on, clouds our judgements later, and changes the whole dynamic of the relationship. I think your right for waiting, and should go slow, and enjoy getting to know each other. If he really cares, then he will be there with you. Just take your own sweet time, and stay true to yourself. No hurry is there?

Just tell him you aren't ready for sex. If he isn't a complete jerk he will understand and back off. Now don't get upset if it comes up again every week or so. Just say you aren't ready.

Anyone that's worth having and respects you will understand. Don't sleep with someone till YOU are ready to do so.

You sound like a mature thoughtful person, I'm just curious as to your age??

Given all my personal friendships/relationships since college (ie: once free from parents and allowed to express myself freely) I would have had every opportunity to explore same sex relationships, but it has never been something I have even been curious about in terms of my own sexuality. I have always looked to men for sexual and romanic gratification. I love their energy, strength, and forcefulness. Though not straight-laced, I am quite straight.

I am in my early 40's.