Ask Me Help Desk - Newbie needs social help..

Very similar to this recent thread.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=11649

Hello, My name is Will. I am 19 and a college sophomore.

I bolded the main issue if you don't prefer to read through it all. Though it gets more deeper than that.

My problem that I had is that I have no idea how to make small talk. Which prevents me to go up and talk to anyone. I have this problem with anyone I try to talk to. When I say I am shy, I mean the worst case scenario of shyness. I never talk to people, unless I need help. My second year in college, I have no one I consider friends. My definition of a friend is a person I talk to and hang out with on a regular basis.
Sometimes, maybe onece a week, I may stop into one of the people in my dorm unit. This is how the meetings usually happen.

"Hey, whats up?" "Playing battlefield 2" "can i watch?" "sure go ahead" --10 minutes pass-- "got to finish hw, see you around"

usually it's the person I visit who asks the questions...

Now that the background info is done, my main question is I have no idea how to make small talk. I only talk with purpose. Like questions about hw, etc. usually when I talk, it's a question..

This makes it harder to talk to girls, because of this purpose thing. What purpose would I have in talking to a girl I don't even know? Would she think I am only talking to her because she thinks I am interested in her(in most cases that's the case. Never having a girlfriend before really depresses a person. Kind of makes me wish or wouldn't mind any girl I talked to to be a GF)? I see how shallow it might seem and it keeps me from approaching. How do I go about talking to some random girl, like in the hallway in school? It seems out of place.

I do a lot of thinking about this... And I think I am the way I am is because I fear being transparent. I don't like people knowing what I am doing. So like sitting with a random girl at a lunch table or any example I have given previously, would prove this type of thinking within me.

Sorry for the long question... I just wanted to try to make a thorough explanation of my issue.

An idea I had if anyone of you would be willing to help me out, is we get a VOIP thing going, like with skype, or AIM talk, etc... So you could hear how hard it is for me to talk with people. Messeges are easy, I can think things through and send it out, but over voice, it's a whole new ballgame.

:(

Must of come on too strong :p

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hyrax

Very similar to this recent thread.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=11649

Hello, My name is Will. I am 19 and a college sophomore.

I bolded the main issue if you don't prefer to read through it all. Though it gets more deeper than that.

My problem that I had is that I have no idea how to make small talk. Which prevents me to go up and talk to anyone. I have this problem with anyone I try to talk to. When I say I am shy, I mean the worst case scenario of shyness. I never talk to people, unless i need help. My second year in college, I have no one I consider friends. My definition of a friend is a person i talk to and hang out with on a regular basis.
Sometimes, maybe onece a week, I may stop into one of the people in my dorm unit. This is how the meetings usually happen.

"Hey, whats up?" "Playing battlefield 2" "can i watch?" "sure go ahead" --10 minutes pass-- "got to finish hw, see you around"

usually it's the person i visit who asks the questions...

Now that the background info is done, my main question is I have no idea how to make small talk. I only talk with purpose. Like questions about hw, etc. usually when i talk, it's a question..

This makes it harder to talk to girls, because of this purpose thing. What purpose would i have in talking to a girl i dont even know? Would she think I am only talking to her because she thinks I am interested in her(in most cases that's the case. never having a girlfriend before really depresses a person. Kinda makes me wish or wouldn't mind any girl i talked to to be a GF)? I see how shallow it might seem and it keeps me from approaching. How do i go about talking to some random girl, like in the hallway in school? It seems out of place.

I do a lot of thinking about this... And I think I am the way i am is because I fear being transparent. I dont like people knowing what I am doing. So like sitting with a random girl at a lunch table or any example i have given previously, would prove this type of thinking within me.

Sorry for the long question... I just wanted to try to make a thorough explanation of my issue.

An idea i had if anyone of you would be willing to help me out, is we get a VOIP thing going, like with skype, or AIM talk, etc... So you could hear how hard it is for me to talk with people. Messeges are easy, i can think things through and send it out, but over voice, it's a whole new ballgame.

Sounds like social anxiety. I was diagnosed with a pretty severe case of it a few years ago. I wouldn't even like leaving my apartment. I had to be on medication which helped me a lot.

Well, step #1 - quit the freaking video games!! They are a worthless waste of time - when you could be improving yourself in life. Get out!! Get to the gym, workout.

Learn about woman!!

Buy this book: www.doubleyourdating.com

Go to this site and read every article www.sosuave.com

How about starting with Hi.

The read! Read News papers, follow SPORTS, LEARN about relationships.

Making friends is something that NEVER happens over night. It takes time and yes it can be awkward at first.

Change you appearance as well. Do something unique. Be clean, decent updated clothes.

LISTENING!! LISTENING!! Is key to great conversation. You don't have to talk - plus woman love to talk!!

BUT, you need to learn reflective lsitening... that's is it's kind of repeating what a person says OR adding to what they are interested in.

Hey Will,
Yeah, cut down on the gaming. Be around people -- that should be easy enough at school. Maybe make like you're reading a book or something, but really pay attention to people's interactions, how they end up speaking to each other, what kind of small talk people make. Get out with acquaintnaces and friends, see how they do it. (This really worked for me, I've been rather introverted most of my life, but I made 2 friends who are really outgoing and they rubbed off on me.) Pay attention to people. The 'purpose' is just to communicate and be with people, it doesn't have to go anywhere. Then just start smiling and saying hello to people. A smile goes a long way. When you open yourself up like that you will be amazed at how different people's reception of you will be. Start small. You can do this.

It sounds to me like you have two problems
1;shyness
For this I have a simple exercise for you, go to the mall or some other crowded place and start asking people a simple question like "What time is it?"
Or "Do you know where the Gap is?"
This simple act will help you in overcoming your initial shyness,For what is the worst that can happen "sorry i don't know"
Also as stated in some of the other responses start listening to others,
Hang out in places where people tend to congregate like the lunch room
Or your lounge in your dorm.from there it 's not a far leap to make to join in an ongoing conversation like yea that was a good show or is this supposed to be meat?
2Women, these are beyond my and all mens undertstanding(sorry ladies)
For this part of your problem all I can say is be patient when you become more confident the women will start to take notice
Hope this helps
Finnally this is not meant to offend anyone but there are two topics which
Usually lead to arguments ,religeon and politics, until you are more confident I would stay away from these conversations

Gaming is like a crutch for me. When I am in the real world, I am nervous and uncomfortable. But while gaming, I am in my own world. It dulls the pain of reality.

Though that exampleI gave was referring to me visiting a guy in my unit next door. He usually plays battlefield 2.

Quote:

hang out in places where people tend to congregate like the lunch room
Or your lounge in your dorm.from there it 's not a far leap to make to join in an ongoing conversation like yea that was a good show or is this supposed to be meat?

I don't know how to make the "leap". To me, it's awkward, and "intruding to someone to just walk up to them and try talking to them...

I have no personality (or don't show it) and I never express myself.. I really don't know how or what to say...

I used to be on 12.5mg of paxil... I stopped after 3 months because the doctor wouldn't up the dose and it wasn't working.

I still request, if anyone would want to talk through skype, or some other program might get a better understanding of what I am going through. You'll hear how hard it is for me to talk to someone.

Thanks for the replies thus far.. I have first recognized this and have been struggling with it since 8th grade... And I am sick and tired of it...
( I don't mean the problem started in 8th grade, its just that I recognized I had the problem in 8th grade)

I'll definitely use your exercise tyr!

Weight lifting builds confidence - trust me.

I know when you get older this stuff will go away and it doesn't matter.

There are on-line gaming talk areas. Maybe for now work on IM and chat rooms to work on your social skills.

I know in college, don't recommend this, but drinking really opened up social skills. Believe me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Weight lifting builds confidence - trust me.

I know when you get older this stuff will go away and it doesn't matter.

There are on-line gaming talk areas. Maybe for now work on IM and chat rooms to work on your social skills.

I know in college, don't recommend this, but drinking really opened up social skills. Believe me.

I really want to stay away from forums or chatrooms, I frequent a forum called www.rage3d.com, but I stopped recently. Typing is far far different than talking.

Update. I plan on going to a fraternity party this weekend with my unit. Any advice? Especially on the subject on approaching people, starting a conversation, what the heck do I say, etc..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hyrax

update. I plan on going to a fraternity party this weekend with my unit. Any advice? Especially on the subject on approaching people, starting a convo, what the heck do i say, etc..

Do you drink at all? Having a few beers always lightened me up. Just don't overdo it :eek:

Have a couple of drinks but that's it. Other people will probably drink too much and they'll come up to you to talk which will make things easier.

Bad news though, there is no magic formula. You have to take the leap and it will probably be scary for you, but the absolutely WORST thing that can happen is someone doesn't want to talk to you. Who cares? They don't even know you. YOU have to take the first step. No one else can do this but you. I'm telling you, I've been there. I ate lunch by myslef for most of freshman year in high school because I was new and too shy to talk to anyone. That would NEVER happen now. Part of it is confidence and part of it is practice which helps the confidence. But YOU have to take the first step!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by turtlegirl

Have a couple of drinks but that's it. Other people will probably drink too much and they'll come up to you to talk which will make things easier.

Bad news though, there is no magic formula. You have to take the leap and it will probably be scary for you, but the absolutely WORST thing that can happen is someone doesn't want to talk to you. Who cares?! They don't even know you. YOU have to take the first step. No one else can do this but you. I'm telling you, I've been there. I ate lunch by myslef for most of freshman year in high school because I was new and too shy to talk to anyone. That would NEVER happen now. Part of it is confidence and part of it is practice which helps the confidence. But YOU have to take the first step!!!!!

I wish I knew how to take the first step... But I guess that goes with the practice you were saying. Might be going somewhere tonight. Don't know..