Ok where to start… this is really so tough on me…something that I am dealing and trying to grip with so hard and I need your help… I need help so bad because I love her so much… but I am so hurt right now I don’t know what to do or think.

Let me start at the beginning and I will try to cut it as short as I can…

I have been with a girl so wonderful and amazing for about 2 years now… all who see us together can’t help but mention how amazing we are together… so good that we were planning our engagement and wedding very soon… she was my first (I am 24 now was 22 when we first were together and she 19) and while I knew she had had a guy in her life before me… I had thought it was only one as she told me so and that she had no one else she ever been with (I never mentioned to her that she was my first…I always told her that I had past experiences partly because of pride and not wanting her to think less of me because I believed in waiting for true love) … we both have had such an amazing life together both out of the bedroom and in… but recently (2 days ago) she confessed to me in tears a great shock to my system that I just don’t know how to deal with… she has been with 7 guys... other than countless guys she has just fooled around with kissing and the sorts… so many she says she can't even remember but that’s not the problem…she has been with them all in the age of 16 to 18… one of them was her sisters husband twice(while they were married and still are!)… the other is an ugly fat guy of over 40 years of age as a one night stand! (Whom she introduced me to to long ago and told me he is an old friend who helped her) …

I don’t know what to do…I don’t know what to think… that is not who I knew.. not the girl I fell in love with… not the one who I want to marry… or is she?. she says she had great depression and sadness in her past that led her to want revenge.. to hate her self to lose faith in the world… but she changed so much when she was with me… but I don’t know what to do… part of me is disgusted to my very core with her…and I feel like vomiting thinking about it… seeing her cry and sad about it I mellow and I remember all the good times we had... all the love we shared… and I remember my love for her… she said she never told me all this before because she was afraid I would leave her… parts of me want to cheat on her… to sleep with many many women to even out the score now to… or maybe just to let her feel what I feel… I haven’t shared any of this with her… I told her I had forgiven her for her past… that I still love her…and I do... I do still love her…and I forgive her.. and I don’t want to leave her… but I just feel sick to my core… what should I do? Am I wrong to feel this way? How can I take it away? What should I do? I know its stupid to ask but do you think cheating on her might actually save us?

My pride is so shaken… she has had much much much more experience than I did and I have no idea where I am... that I was this much of a fool never to notice… that I saved myself while she did all them men… that It took me months to get fully in a relationship with her when she gave her self away so freely to others… she says its because she felt I was different.. that I might be the one.. and she didn’t want to hurt me… she wanted to take it slow with me… personally I feel very offended by that… because part of me isn’t sure if its truth or not… if women actually think that way…

What should I do? What should I think? Or say…I still love her and she is crying and begging me to forgive her and keeps asking me if I do even though I keep hugging her and trying to comfort her that I do… but I am lost… I feel I need to do something.. because I love her so much but I can't live my life feeling this feeling in my stomach… I feel like throwing up and I hate myself my ego and pride is shattered and I can't face her or confront her with this because she is unfortunately so fragile… and I feel it’s a bit mean to do so and might crack her… do you think I should cheat? Would that make it better? Will it go away on its own? We have talked and talked about it for 3 days again and again and I still feel that… I feel lied to (even though its because she didn’t want to lose me)… I feel myself image is shattered… angry (at her and myself)... disgusted.. confused... lost... but I love her still... I'm sorry I wrote so much just this is killing me so bad…

(oh forgot to mention... the old fat ugly guy.. and her sisters husband all happened while we were meeting but not officially couples yet.. tho we were on our way)

Don't cheat on her. You're upset right now, but I assure you, you will regret it later. Besides, did she actually ever cheat on you?

Its hard to hear about your loved ones past lifestyle. Everyone does things they regret and wish could be hidden away forever. The fact that she told you wasn't easy and shows great courage and trust she must have for you. Its not easy to hear, but she obviously wants to be open and honest--which are very important in marriage.

She is the person you fell in love with. In fact, those moments in her past made her the person she is today; the person whom you love. Those negative moments taught her how to see the good people in life, and helped her see the bad. Through those, she was able to recognize what a great guy you were to have in her life.

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My pride is so shaken… she has had much much much more experience than I did and I have no idea where I am... that I was this much of a fool never to notice… that I saved myself while she did all them men… that It took me months to get fully in a relationship with her when she gave her self away so freely to others… she says its because she felt I was different.. that I might be the one..and she didn't want to hurt me… she wanted to take it slow with me… personally I feel very offended by that… because part of me isn't sure if its truth or not… if women actually think that way…

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She may have more experiences that you, but they were negative experiences. She loves you and knew early in your relationship. She knew you were a person to treasure and appreciate. Women do actually think that way, I promise.

Don't do anything you'll regret with acts of revenge. You don't want to be another one of those guys that caused her pain. Talk with her and possibly get counseling to help sort things out. Believe me, this is easier to hear now than if you had heard it from someone else or once you were married. My husband is more "experienced" than me, but I don't regret that. Anything he did before meeting me isn't an issue. It's the person he's become that I love.

Good luck to you, I hope this helps.

I know how that feels... To be honest I went through the same thing but a bit different. My ex told me that her dad tried touching her while asleep. It killed me. I cried and I wanted to kill him. I was never the same with him again. If you don't let it slide, then it will affect your relationship. Give it some time and you won't think about it. Remember, people do change. And it seems like she changed for the good, thanks to you. Sure her past really sucksand I understand how it feels because my ex also had 5 before me as I later learned. Don't cheat just because you feel this way... She had a bad past but she hasn't done YOU any wrong. She has been faithful to you and isn't that the most important thing? You should be proud that you were able to save yourself for her. It shouldn't kill your ego. You did great and because of it you got a great woman... She made mistakes and obviously she regrets it. And now she is lucky to have you! What more can you ask for? Two people weirdly made for each other... lol... She begs for your forgiveness... That's amazing... She really cares and she was honest. This just should be a sign of how good your relationship is. I wouldn't see it any other way. I would be the happiest person in the world. Don't let the thoughts haunt you... She may have done things while seeing you but most people do until they really know what they want. She chose you and has been there ever since... That's great! You are all she thinks about now and all she wants... I mean two years is a long time. I would be nervous and paranoid if it was only about 4 months together. I think she picked a great time to tell you. I think the best times are when you just start a relationship or when you discover that you can really trust this person. Both times are risky because you hope the person can accept that. If they love you hopefully they will know that the past should surely not matter as the person already knows how wonderful of a person you are. Sure it was a little late, but in relationships, there is a need to know when one can really trust the other... You both have reached that point in her eyes... You should also be proud of that. Love your woman because she really loves you... It's okay to feel that way right now... Hey, what matters is what happens while you two are together... And it seems like you both have a great thing. Let this be another moment in your relationship and move on with it. There will be many more and possibly worse moments especially if this relationship should last forever. No need for revenge as it was not done to hurt you. It's okay to feel the way you do, but don't let it affect your relationship. Remember good and bad and in life to death, you must love your woman with all you have... Show the world what your love is made of! Good luck my friend and I wish your relationship the best!

I think cheating on her for revenge is wrong and one day you will later regret this. I think she has a lot of courage for telling you this. A lot of girls would probably never tell their man this just for the fact they may loose them. I think it's better for her to tell you now rather then you here it threw the grape vine or later in life. She told you because she loves you. Her past is her past, just like you have a past. I think you need to take time for yourself and really think this threw before you continue with this relationship. From what I read their sounds like a lot of resentment toward her from you. This is not good,I feel you have not forgiven her and their may be some possible trust issues in the future. If you don't let this go all the way I feel this relationship will crash and burn. But take some time for you and see if this will bother you in the future which I believe it will.

First of all thank you all for your answers and time and your much needed help... but It is not revenge... and my resentment isn't towards her... its to what she did… its to what I haven't done... because I feel like a fool... I have been lied to.. and I believed it.. for two years... and I know what she told me only shows she cares and loves me and trusts me... I do love her as well... but I feel small now... I feel like I am a kid... I was lied to an I took it in... and I feel like my whole life went by me while she was fooling around and I was waiting for her.. how will I be able to sit with her sisters husband when families gather or on holidays without wanting to strangle him? (he is in his late thirties and she was 19)... how could she let me sit and talk to him while he was thinking to himself oh if you only knew buddy... I feel betrayed even though I do understand. I feel hurt and disgusted even though I did forgive her.. its just that its not of her.. its of what she did in her past.. and later what she did to me.. even though my mind understands it... I don't know if it will heal on its own.. if I can wait it... if maybe the only way to feel better about our relationship is for me to sleep with other women.. I am not saying I will… I am saying I need your help because I can't think straight... and I just don't want to feel physically sick in the stomach when ever I think about it… I want to heal this… but I don't know how …I really really love her... I just want to be OK again... I want us to go back to what we were... to feel the same again...

There is no going back. Your in a great relationship, and if it depends on her waiting for you, as you have waited, you should have been HONEST about that from the beginning, and saved a lot of time and trouble. If it's that big of a deal then you need to end it, without the games. Understand she could have kept quiet, but she learned to trust you enough to tell you so the relationship could continue with truth. Yes she has been through a few things that made her the one you love, but if your not mature enough to accept her as she is and love and trust her, then this relationship is over. We all have a past, so what. I think this is more about you than her, and if you can't deal with it and if your ego is so bruised, then be a man and be honest, and end it and move on, and let her do the same.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

There is no going back. Your in a great relationship, and if it depends on her waiting for you, as you have waited, you should have been HONEST about that from the beginning, and saved a lot of time and trouble. If its that big of a deal then you need to end it, without the games. Understand she could have kept quiet, but she learned to trust you enough to tell you so the relationship could continue with truth. Yes she has been thru a few things that made her the one you love, but if your not mature enough to accept her as she is and love and trust her, then this relationship is over. We all have a past, so what. I think this is more about you than her, and if you can't deal with it and if your ego is so bruised, then be a man and be honest, and end it and move on, and let her do the same.

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Am I the only one that thinks sleeping with your sisters husband is off the chart big?. let alone do it in the very same bedroom her sister sleeps in? I mean a past like that is big and its just one of many big things she has done even though it is not truly about having a past... I don't care about her past as much as I care being hurt by living the lie and its size for so long... if u read carefully talaniman u would have noticed I already knew when we started that there was a guy before me that she was in a relationship and slept with and I never minded that... but to find she has been making me wait months to just to be in a relationship with her when she has been sleeping with men back and forth as if its nothing is what hurts my pride... it's that some of them men I have to face every now and then and especially her sisters husband when I go to her house and I am supposed to act like nothing happened because I am not supposed to know as no one but her and her sisters husband know about it and it will ruin her relationship with her sister let alone her sisters marriage and her sister has 2 children from that guy... you talk and u judge without reading fully or you would have noticed how much I hate myself because I don't know how to deal with this... there are no games here I have given myself heart and soul and she did come with it even though it is late... my love for her is still strong but it is hard to deal with big news... and all I have is huge amounts of emotions and feelings and thoughts swirling around in my head... and this is why I came for help because I can't think right now my mind is clogged by so many thoughts and I need someone impartial who has faced such a thing to give me help and advice on how they dealt with it... I said I don't want to leave her talaniman… and she is such a fragile fragile person… she depends on me so much… and I try and put a strong face on for her I hold her and I tell her all is fine…cuz I know how much it hurts her and she depends on me to be strong and this is why I need to talk about it with you... with anyone who doesn't know me or her.. I need to get rid of these bad feelings I am having…

And all this reminds me I would like to thank emopunk7 and LearningAsIGo your advice has been so so heart warming calming and helpful really thank u so much for your time to read and your very valued help.

Ok, here's the deal...
7 guys... 12 guys. It's the past...

BUT the past becomes the present if we can not accept it.

if you all are honest and you trust her you are ok... If not - then END IT.

Confession: #1: If my woman slept with her sister's husband 2x I would be super bummed and would probably not be able to accept it... but I always think a fair chance is worth considering. And I am impressed by those that can move in IF it's worth it!

Confession #2: "she is such a fragile fragile person… she depends on me so much."
That quote is a red flag. That would make me sad and frankly walk away too.

I know you are in love, but brother, she may have saved you a lot of frustration later... If she is so needy it's not good - on many levels...

(I went out with a girl who was a Model - and she was so insecure that any man OR woman that hit on her got some attention... not good!)

peace...

life's a . don't marry one.

Hang in there...

Hay mate all this was done before you were with her. People who live in the past will remain in the past. Ur upset as you wiuld she should have told you fromm the beginning.
Obviously she couldn't and like you have reacted now shows she new you would not be able to handle itand this is showing you cant. I understand the part aboutsitting there with her sisters husband. But your with her now and this is in her past when you start a relationship you go inyto it fresh, worrying about a persons past will bring you know joy. What is done is doneyou are the chosen guy now and you can either except this or moan on about her past.

Moaning about her past wich she new you would be upset with will not help, before you new all this you werr totally in love, things have not changed she did not do anything bad during your relationship and your relationship did not begin in her past it began when you two began it...

I met my girlfriend when she was 18 she had only slept with one other guy and she told me this the first night we slept together. Not as bad as your girl I was lucky my girlfriend had kissed alotof guys from her uni and fooled around in other ways. Before I met all these people who she had done this with from her uni she let me know which I was grateful for, this is thereason you feel upset cause you wernt told, I understand that.

Yet I had to meet all theseguys at her uni nights and 1 of them even said to bme being a smart arse I pashed your missus about 1 month ago. I said to him well you can't me that great cause I'm with her now and she doesn't want you...

This is not as bad as yoursituation but you must realise you put it behind you, for3 years I had to attend uni nights and have the same guys hang around knowing theyd played with my missus thatsnot easy, but I understood she was single then enjoying her lifre and having fun but yet she chose me andthat was enough for me, she had a chance to chooseany of the other guys but I got chosn, like you mate so appreciate that cause be grateful that she has told you this and understand it wouldn't have been easy for her to tell you..

The reason she has told you is because she thinks she can TRUST you... So don't make a mistake here mate she's reaching out and if you walk away now you may look back and say Geez she told me that she must have really liked me.. What's amazing in relationships is when when side puts there heart on the line and tellsthe othersomething like this instead of you thinking, It must have been hard for her to tell me that she must really care for me, you start talikng about yourself and how badyou feel you are done by..

Thank your lucky starsyou have a nice girl with the courage to tell you this...

A relationship requires TRUST and TRUST = LOVE...

You should not be angry girls cannot tell you about there pastlike that straight way they need to get to know you to love you to respectyou.

She must really love you to tell you this so suck it up give her a big HUG and tell her your glad she can tell you and she can always tell you anything... You have a girl who has come to you and told you this and your winging about yourself SHE TRUSTS YOU SHE MUST LOVE YOU NOW YOU DECIDE MATE ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH TO RIS ABOVE THIS AND EXCEPT A GIRL THAT LOVES YOU IN HER LIFE... LET ME TELL YOU MATE SHE NEEDS YOU NOW AND WANTS YOU MORE THAN EVER!! This couldbe the beginning of a gretat relationship for you so get over it!!

Maybe a break from her would be a good thing, at least until you have resolved your feelings.

She might be a great girl to you, My ex was a great girl to me, she told me three when we were together, I asked her just recently if she really only slept with 4 guys before me... and she said yes, I CAUGHT HER IN A LIE and now she's denying it up and down. Anyway, for the mostpart all women lie about that man... so don't hold that against her... its something to do with their dignity. More guys you know about , less respect you have for them...

BUT>>> what your really need to look at, SHE SLEPT WITH HER SISTERS HUSBAND? She's a disgusting soul, if she can do that to her sister... her blood, only imagine what's in store for you down the road.

RUN LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL. - best of luck

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Originally Posted by marcus83

She might be a great girl to you, My ex was a great girl to me, she told me three when we were together, I asked her just recently if she really only slept with 4 guys before me...and she said yes, I CAUGHT HER IN A LIE and now shes denying it up and down. Anyway, for the mostpart all women lie about that man...so dont hold that against her...its something to do with their dignity. More guys you know about , less respect you have for them...

BUT>>> what your really need to look at, SHE SLEPT WITH HER SISTERS HUSBAND? shes a disgusting soul, if she can do that to her sister...her blood,.only imagine whats in store for you down the road.

RUN LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL. - best of luck

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That's the thing... I don't know what to do or think about that part... to make that part more clear she was about 18 then and her sisters husband was about 37-38 years old... he brought her drinks (after she asked for them).. got her tipsy and got her naked and then so did he... though I can't say the drink did much because she knew what was going on and she did go back for a second...

But your right... I don't know what to do... problem though is.. god part of me is thinking that I must leave her... part of me feels so sorry for her.. other part (and a big one) still loves her... I spent two good years with this girl and we were so good and in love and so close and I know she will do something so so stupid or be hurt so so bad if I do leave her because she always used to tell me when we first started dating that she was hurt so badly by her last boyfriend... and stuff... and later on I find out that before we met she had a bit of a depressed sucidel time in her life... I can't do that to her I don't want her to hurt anymore... and I want to be good with it.. I want to be good to her and help her and heal her... and she has been so different than before... I just can't unless I heal first... this confuses me and hurts me on such a level that I get physically pained... but I see her and how sorry she is and how bad and awful she feels about all of it... and I just can't help but smile put a brave face on and tell her that I am all right.. that everything is fine... because she needs me to be strong... she needs me to be her man... the man that always was there for her... but how can I keep this act up.. I needed to talk to someone... and you are my escape out.. only people I can trust because no one here knows us...

Really thanks so much every one.. I really needed to read and hear from every single one of u.. Thank you all again... means so much to me.

Downlookingup I think your girlfriend has some serious self esteem issues. You say between 16 and 18 this child was molested by at least 2 men the 40 year old and her sisters husband. I will bet if you do some honest talking as if she were your friend instead of your girlfriend you will find out she has let men/boys take advantage of her most of her life maybe not to the point of sexual intercourse, maybe just touching and saying sexual things. Talk to her and see if she suffered a life of abuse before you think that she did these things from enjoyment, her answers may surprise you. I am not saying whether you need to continue this relationship . I am just saying to me it sounds as though this young girl has allowed herself to be taken advantage of.

If she came clean with all of that to you, its because she really loves you, and got tired of bieng superficial, unfortunately she came clean with a lot of dirt,. alot of dirt! You could look at that with what she trusted you with... I think this girl wants to marry you... that would be the only reason she could bring herself to give you all of that sick information... dood the bottom line... either you propose to this girl, or move out of the state! Good luck man

Why can't you heal together?? She is just as hurt as you are, if not more so.

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Originally Posted by bushg

Downlookingup I think your gf has some serious self esteem issues. You say between 16 and 18 this child was molested by at least 2 men the 40 year old and her sisters husband. I will bet if you do some honest talking as if she were your friend instead of your gf you will find out she has let men/boys take advantage of her most of her life maybe not to the point of sexual intercourse, maybe just touching and saying sexual things. Talk to her and see if she suffered a life of abuse before you think that she did these things from enjoyment, her answers may suprise you. I am not saying whether or not you need to continue this relationship . I am just saying to me it sounds as though this young girl has allowed herself to be taken advantage of.

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She did allow a lot of boys to take advantage of her kissing touching and all that but mostly not to the point of sexual intercourse as you said... we did have a good talk and that's why its so hard... because not only do we love each other but we became very good friends to each other... she said she did so much because she wanted to escape and to feel loved... so that she feels like someone cares... and when she does I find myself wanting to hug her and be with her and take care of her.. yet at the same time I get the feeling I want to shout at her and hurt her (tho I never do ofcourse)... so I end up hugging her and say to myself it will be fine.. I will understand it later... im still finding it so hard... do you think the need to feel love or care justifies any of that? I don't know.. what do you all think? :(

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Why can't you heal together???? She is just as hurt as you are, if not more so.

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Because its so hard when both sides are hurt about the same thing... we are trying but to tell you the truth I can't heal with her because I need to put attention to what's bothering me and what I am feeling and figure it out... and if I do that it will hurt her more and make her feel scared and alone... and I don't want that... so I am there for her trying to heal her and pretend all is fine with me and that I am coming along well... while I am trying to figure out what to do from all of you... god I am really so grateful to every single one of u...

Thank you all so so much you are all bringing things to my attention I haven't thought of before and helping so much... thanks again.

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Originally Posted by DownLookingUp

She did allow alot of boys to take advantage of her kissing touching and all that but mostly not to the point of sexual intercourse as u said...we did have a good talk and thats why its so hard...cuz not only do we love each other but we became very good friends to each other... she said she did so much because she wanted to escape and to feel loved... so that she feels like someone cares... and when she does i find my self wanting to hug her and be with her and take care of her..yet at the same time i get the feeling i want to shout at her and hurt her (tho i never do ofcourse)... so i end up hugging her and say to my self it will be fine..i will understand it later...im still finding it so hard... do u think the need to feel love or care justifies any of that? i dont know..what do u all think? :(

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She is telling you that she let all of those things happen because she needed to feel love not because she was just a HORNY SLUT. That justifys everything, this child now woman has been abused, God knows how long she was abused and by whom, if she will be honest about it. You can either let it gross you out or be there for her. Would you think she were at fault if she had been ganged raped? To me there is little difference in what happened to her and being raped or molested, if someone is not sound enough to make decision and people take advantage of that, it is rape or molestation. You have to be the one to decide if you are going to stick around. I am sure there are books out there for girls that behave the way she did. Call some sexual abuse counselors and try to get a book list and do some reading, so that you better understand what is going on. I know Oprah had a show last season, about the same thing. It was very eye opening, I wish you could see it. I know that it is very hard to deal with, finding out hurtful things about the one you wish to spend the rest of your life with, but it happens and can be dealt with. Then you have a strong relationship that is built on truth and understanding. Not superficial charm, perfection, and storybook bull$hit.

Btw About her sleeping with the sister husband. He knew she had problems and he took advantage of it. His sorry a$$ needs to be in jail. Giving an underage girl drinks and having sex with her. How can anyone hold her responsible for that! I have seen grown women allow themselves to be molested over and over by their dads. Why? Because that is what is normal to them. Not to say NO regardless of WHO it is, to suck it up, pretend like they like it and go along with it. That is what victims are programed to do and sadly some of them do it their whole lives. I would like to ask where was this girls mom and dad?