Good afternoon all!

My husband and I were completely blindsided yesterday. We received a letter from the child support office informing us of a court date to establish child support for a child we knew nothing about!

To back up a bit, my husband and I were separated for 2 years, so if he did indeed have a child during that time, I can't and would never hold it against him. The baby's birthdate is the end of this month... one heck of a time and one heck of a way to find out he has a 5th kid! We have 4 of our own that we struggle daily to make ends meet with and we just don't know what we are going to do. When we got back together, we moved 6 hours away, hence why everything was a mystery to us until now.

Now back to the original subject. We are of course, requesting a paternity test, because they did not by any means have an "exclusive" relationship. Not only did she have "his" child without him knowing, she also gave the child HIS last name! Can she do that? Just grab a last name without the knowledge of that person and file a legal document with it? If it is indeed legal, it is so totally unethical and just plain, UNBELIEVABLE! Why would someone give their child a married man's last name that has no clue the child exists? That is just completely out of the realm of my understanding.

What rights do we have? How much is he going to be paying in child support? We already have 4 children (two of them are disabled) and can't make ends meet as it is. My husband is furious with the entire situation as he finally told me the reason they broke up to begin with... she wanted a baby, he didn't... he already had 4 he was struggling to support. That was like in October and the entire time they dated she was on the pill. There was one time in December that they slept together and if she had gone OFF the pill... all it takes is one time and she has the baby she wanted and he didn't... and here we are in our current situation.

As far as the baby? We will gladly accept her as part of our family and will be fighting for joint custody if she is found to be his. I am not being spiteful or ugly towards the baby's mother in anyway, but we refuse to have her raising my husbands child without us right there making sure she is cared for, even if it means packing up and moving back home. For lack of better terms she isn't "all there" and I fear for the welfare of the child. She has no business being a mother and this has completely taken our family OFF GUARD! This is one heck of a way to find out you have a daughter and step daughter.

If anyone has any advice or words of encouragement they will be greatly appreciated at this point and time! Until paternity is established, we have chosen NOT to inform our family of the current situation. We just don't know what to make of everything just yet. It just does not make sense to us why she would give the baby our family name, but not tell us she exists!!

Thanks in advance for any advice, information, links, etc.
Sincerely
~a completely bewildered possible stepmother in Texas

First I gather you are acknowledging the possibility that the child is his. Since there is that possibility, then the mother had the right to use his name as the father. But you have the right to a paternity test.

You don't say how old the child is or how long ago this happened as that has a bearing on this issue. Its possible, under current laws, that he might be responsible for back support event if a paternity test is negative.

What you need to do is get an attorney, wait for the results of the paternity test and then go on from there.

Thank you for your quick response!

Yes, my husband and I both acknowledge the chance the baby is his. She will be a year old as of the end of this month. I know he may be held liable for back child support, but could he also be held liable for the expenses of the pregnancy etc? All of this is just so overwhelming we don't know what end is up.

I appreciate your assistance in this matter!!

The mother could name her child anything she wanted, especially the last name of the father of her child, if that is who she thought it was. I agree you should get a paternity test to be sure, but if your husband is the father, he is morally and legally obligated to help support his child. It takes two to tango so to speak. I understand your concern with your other children, and the courts will take everything into consideration when determining child support as well. They will make you pay what they feel is your obligation and within your means. I do hope that you go for joint custody, because a daughter deserves to have her father. But don't expect to get one without the other. In fact he will have to pay support regardless. It is unfortunate that this woman did not inform you sooner, but maybe from fear, or simply because you moved, she did not... but she still has a right to seek help. As for the birth control thing, I really doubt it was on purpose. You can still conceive on the pill (I have a child from being on the pill) and many women have a hard time getting pregnant when coming off the pill... so chances are, it was simply an accidental conception. It happens everyday. Bottom line here is yes, your husband, if proven to be the father, will have to offer support. Yes Your husband does have fathers rights to see and be with his daughter, even have joint custody. Good luck!

Thank you for your response!!

I completely understand that it is possible she became pregnant while on the pill, but I also know HER and have actually known her since childhood. Actually, I have known her FAR longer than even my hubby and I warned him about this exact situation many times. Please know, I am not being the "ugly spiteful other woman" here... I just know all parties to the situation quite well...

We both feel we didn't know because well, she got what she wanted! But, we have also found out she is supposed to be getting married to a "less than optimal" person that I too have known for life. We both think that either 1) caring for the baby financially finally became overwhelming or 2) her new hubby is forcing her to file. Either way, it really doesn't matter to us... if the baby is found to be his, we are moving back home to fight for joint if not full custody of his daughter... we have had our problems, but we refuse to dump money to this couple without being in his daughters life to make sure she is cared for. We refuse to be absentee parties to this matter and are ready and willing to fight until the end.

Thanks for the info!! I hope I am not coming off as ugly and spiteful... I am not that kind of person even with such an upsetting situation. My husband and I have decided that together we are going to put everything else aside and fight for what is best for Emily. I will keep everyone aprised of the situation and hope for the best for our baby girl.

No, no I wasn't trying to give the impression that I thought you were... I was just stating what rights there were for both parties (unbiased, seeing as I don't know either of you). I hope that you are able to get through this without too much trouble. I understand how difficult it must be to be in this situation. Whatever you do, do not give up rights to the girl, even if the mother wants her new husband to adopt... the girl deserves to see her father. Good luck to you all.

Frankly I am surprised at the level of support you are giving your husband and the baby, and commend you. You are acting rational and responsible, IMO. I wouldn't be surprised if this woman lied about the pill. Men would be wise to never trust a woman who says "it's okay, I'm on the pill." More than likely a woman is being forthright, but it's a risk that men really shouldn't take.

But that's neither here nor there. I second the hire a lawyer, wait for the test results, and sue for joint or sole custody. You and your husband are not likely to get sole custody unless the child is in immediate threat of physical harm. Good luck to you and your family.

Thank you for that!! I am trying desperately to be the voice of reason in a very difficult situation. This is somehting that happened while we were separated and both going our own ways (albeit I wasn't traveling THIS particular avenue... lol).

What is done now is done and we have a child to do what is best for... the past is just that, the past... it just seems that now our FUTURE may hold another child and all that goes along with parenthood...

Thanks for all the responses!!

Child support calculations are state-specific. Visit The Child Support Web Child Support Enforcement Information & Resources and click on your state for more information.

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Originally Posted by msholly

I know he may be held liable for back child support, but could he also be held liable for the expenses of the pregnancy etc? All of this is just so overwhelming we don't know what end is up.

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Yes-he would be held for paying all birth expenses,too.All states have similar provisions.

Thank you so much for everything gang

It just seems the luck just won't quit... shortly after receiving this news, my husband got laid off, and it seems that I may have very aggressive breast cancer. We have mailed the request for paternity test, but as of right now, we can only take on thing at a time and well, finding a job and keeping me alive for our four children is going to take precedence over this... for now.

Thanks again for your responses.