Ask Me Help Desk - Does anyone know my options?

Hey my name is lisa, I'm 21 years old and I'm having a baby. I never heard from the father in the last few months. We were together for a bit but then he decided to leave and I never heard from him since. I tried a million times to contact him to see if he wanted anything to do with the baby and its like he just fell off the face of the earth. Anyway. Is there some kind of thing you can get where he signs that he doesn't want anything to do with the baby and that he can give me sole custody. I also need to know where I would go to get something like that. I just don't want him trying to walk into the baby's life years down the road. If it does help I found out he was in a mental home last summer for trying to kill himself.. and he does do drugs but I can't prove that part. I just need to know if anyone knows how I can get sole custody or if I even can. Thanks

Without going to court or having him sign anything this is your current situation: Without you two being married when the baby is born, an Affidavit of Paternity or DNA he has no rights. Do not list him on the birth certificate and give the baby your last name. Do not try to contact him and live your life. You will have sole custody.

If he choses though he can file to establish his paternity at a later time. However, each state has limitations on how long he has to do this. It depends on what state you live in to determine the appropriate forms you would need to have him give you sole custody and agree to having no contact with the baby. There is a lot of controversy over whether he can voluntarily relinquish his rights and not be obligated for child support. Due to all the statutes and the case law I can say that the chances of you/him accomplishing this is slim to none. Although people may tell you it can and has happened those really have been VERY rare and under extreme circumstances.

So, your best option is to either have your baby, do not acknowledge him as the father in any way and basically disappear. (Which means he may be able to bring this to court later) Or use your appropriate state forms, acknowledge him as the father (he will have to agree or have a DNA) and write up the papers to state that you have Exclusive custody and he is agreeing to have no contact with the child, so no visitation.

An order for support will very likely be issued. I do believe, however, and you will need to check with a lawyer, but I think you can request the court to not order child support "at this time". It will be a deviation from the state guideline. If it is ordered but you do not ask the state to enforce the order by going to your local child support department, he really can simply just not pay you if you wish. He will still be ordered but as long as the state is not directly involved in collecting the child support from him it will really be between you and him. Although people may tell you that if you want you can wait and if you later decide you want to start collecting that money that you can, be careful because you may have problems doing that.

It really depends on your state. In California if two people wanted to do this they would simply file papers to mutually sign and agree to paternity and then file an OSC for Custody and visitation. State the terms they want, file it with the court and never even appear before the judge. Here it just gets signed and sent back to you as an order. The key to that is it must be signed by both parties and submitted as a mutual agreement or it will go before the judge. I've done it.

Hope you found something helpful here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tawnynkids

Without going to court or having him sign anything this is your current situation: Without you two being married when the baby is born, an Affidavit of Paternity or DNA he has no rights. Do not list him on the birth certificate and give the baby your last name. Do not try to contact him and live your life. You will have sole custody.

If he choses though he can file to establish his paternity at a later time. However, each state has limitations on how long he has to do this. It depends on what state you live in to determine the appropriate forms you would need to have him give you sole custody and agree to having no contact with the baby. There is a lot of controversy over whether he can voluntarily relinquish his rights and not be obligated for child support. Due to all the statutes and the case law I can say that the chances of you/him accomplishing this is slim to none. Although people may tell you it can and has happened those really have been VERY rare and under extreme circumstances.

So, your best option is to either have your baby, do not acknowledge him as the father in any way and basically disappear. (Which means he may be able to bring this to court later) Or use your appropriate state forms, acknowledge him as the father (he will have to agree or have a DNA) and write up the papers to state that you have Exclusive custody and he is agreeing to have no contact with the child, so no visitation.

An order for support will very likely be issued. I do believe, however, and you will need to check with a lawyer, but I think you can request the court to not order child support "at this time". It will be a deviation from the state guideline. If it is ordered but you do not ask the state to enforce the order by going to your local child support department, he really can simply just not pay you if you wish. He will still be ordered but as long as the state is not directly involved in collecting the child support from him it will really be between you and him. Although people may tell you that if you want you can wait and if you later decide you want to start collecting that money that you can, be careful because you may have problems doing that.

It really depends on your state. In California if two people wanted to do this they would simply file papers to mutually sign and agree to paternity and then file an OSC for Custody and visitation. State the terms they want, file it with the court and never even appear before the judge. Here it just gets signed and sent back to you as an order. The key to that is it must be signed by both parties and submitted as a mutual agreement or it will go before the judge. I've done it.

Hope you found something helpful here.

Ok I was planning on doing that from the beginning.. with ignoreing him(which isn't a problem because he doesn't bother with me at all)... and just acting like he's not even the father. But see I live in canada so I don't know if it's the same rules. I don't want money from him at all ( I really don't need it). I just don't want him trying to walk into the baby's life years down the road. I didn't want to go to a lawyer yet because I needed to know that if I don't put his name on the birth certificate and act like I don't even know him then will that be enough... and I was wondering would he have to pay to have a DNA test done. Because if he has to pay he probably won't do that. If he ever wanted to come back into his child's life he would know where I am. I can't afford to move right now. I was supposed to move away but I can not take the baby with me so I have to go to school here where I live. I did try to ask him if he would sign something saying he doesn't want anything to do with it but he wouldn't answer. I just think he has something planned because he tells me he doesn't want anything to do with it but when he's at the bar he tells people that he can't wait to be a dad but I never heard from him in over 2 months and I dought I will anytime soon. But thanks for the advice.. maybe I should just try what I was going to do from the beginning and act like he's not even the father.

Sorry I can't speak to Canada. But I am sure there are others here who would know more about the laws in Canada. If I find anything I will let you know. Otherwise, someone will see this soon I am sure and be able to offer their opinion.

Generally speaking they do GV, a man can not just come in say 15 years later regardless of what has happened in a child's life take a DNA and get any sort of rights to that child.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tawnynkids

If he choses though he can file to establish his paternity at a later time. However, each state has limitations on how long he has to do this......

The way in which I stated this was not the way in which I meant it. I apologize for stating this in such a way that it is inaccurate. Paternity itself can be established at any time. I was referring more to the establishment of a relationship upon paternity determination years after the fact. Some states are more lenient than others and would not likely give any sort of joint legal or real custody time to a parent that has chosen not be involved in any way for years and years. To avoid any further confusion regarding my saying this... I say this because the state does recognize abandonment after a certain time as a reason not to allow an establishment of a relationship by a parent who as essentially "abandoned" their child, ignoring all parental responsibility and suddenly pops up 10 years down the road and says OK now I want to be a dad. And yes, of course this is based on the court not buying the father giving a reason of "I wasn't avoiding, I had no idea".

Quote:

Originally Posted by tawnynkids

. I apologize for stating this in such a way that it is inaccurate.

Your apologize is accepted:p
Tawny,I honour your opinions.But here you talked about two different things-paternity establishment and termination of parental rights. Abandonment refers to TPR not to paternity establishment.OK-if the father comes 10 years later and he is willing to take a participation in his child's life I am sure the court will impose him to pay child support but also to have some visitation.Both legislation and public policy are created to develop parent-child relationships not to cut them off.If the court imposes obligations,the court will grant some rights,too.It is sure he will not have legal custody,but I cannot see how the court will reject his wish to visit his child.