Help! My daughter-in-law and grandchildren have more rights than I do. She stays for supper but brings her own food and cooks on the barbecue. She doesn't always wash her pot afterwards. I asked her to wash it and my husband threw a temper fit, swished it around in the water, putting water on my sideboard and floor and threw it in the drawer getting water in the drawer. When I privately asked her if I came to her place 2 or 3 times a week and didn't wash a pot after supper, how would she feel? She went outside in tears and everyone asked what I had said to her. No one believed that I didn't say something terrible to her. My husband and her make plans for sleep overs of my granddaughter and a friend, and I don't dare say no.

So don't invite her over if you don't like the fact that she cooks, or why don't you just go to her house? Why don't you talk to your son about it. It sounds like your husband doesn't mind. So is the problem that she doesn't wash the pots well? Because that's all I am really getting from this.

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Originally Posted by danica

Help! My daughter-in-law and grandchildren have more rights than I do.

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I must be confused. First, is this really an issue of rights or do you not feel respected enough by her?

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She stays for supper but brings her own food and cooks on the barbecue.

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Does she or anyone else have dietary restrictions? Does she at least share this food and offer it to others?

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She doesn't always wash her pot afterwards. I asked her to wash it and my husband threw a temper fit, swished it around in the water, putting water on my sideboard and floor and threw it in the drawer getting water in the drawer. When I privately asked her if I came to her place 2 or 3 times a week and didn't wash a pot after supper, how would she feel? She went outside in tears and everyone asked what I had said to her. No one believed that I didn't say something terrible to her.

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It does sound a little rude that she doesn't help, but if your husband is taking sides with her, I suspect a bigger problem. Its fine to ask her to wash pots... or not, and wait to see if she does it. But after this display by your husband, it probably would have been better for you to just drop the subject rather than bring it up again.

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My husband and her make plans for sleep overs of my granddaughter and a friend, and I don't dare say no.

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Why would you want to say no? If there is a reason you don't want your granddaughter and friend to stay overnight, you should explain your concerns to your husband and ask for his support.

Have you always had a difficult relationship with your daughter-in-law or did this just begin to develop?

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Originally Posted by happylady123

So don't invite her over if you don't like the fact that she cooks, or why don't you just go to her house? Why don't you talk to your son about it. It sounds like your husband doesn't mind. So is the problem that she doesn't wash the pots well? because that's all I am really getting from this.

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I don't invite her! She comes to our swimming pool, stays for suppper and I can't ask her to wash a pot because my husband thinks I should do it! It used to be more dishes than one pot, but I stopped that.

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Originally Posted by danica

I don't invite her! She comes to our swimming pool, stays for suppper and I can't ask her to wash a pot because my husband thinks I should do it! It used to be more dishes than one pot, but I stopped that.

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So this is just about dishes?? Or is it something else?

This is about lack of respect for me. I always got along with her for the past 16 years. I forgot to mention my husband is an alcoholic and his rotten mood toward me makes me think she doesn't respect me too.

If you've gotten along for 16 years, something significant has happened to change her views (or your perception).

I'm just trying to understand better, but... what might you have done to cause this change? If you're stressed over something (like your husband) you could be acting out toward other people and not realize it.

You could also try opening up to your daughter-in-law. Let her know that you feel the relationship has gone downward and you'd like to reconnect.

I've talked with her since I posted this. Surprisingly, she said she understood my position. She also told my son the truth about what I said, for which I am relieved. I guess she had not really said anything before, but just looked downcast.
Thanks to all of you who tried to help. We are still facing a vacation with her and the mischievous grandchildren. Wish me luck!

Good luck to you all! :D