So, I HAVE searched the forum but I felt that it would at least make me feel better if I could receive some help on my exact situation.

So, first of all, my girlfriend and I are both 19. We met senior year in High school and we've been together for almost a year and a half (our anniversary is the 16th) Everything was going great and we just bought some promise rings for one another a few weeks back.

This last week was a complete 180 however. She says how she is trying to figure her life out (understandable) and we're both in the same college now and in about a year she will be trying to transfer and get into an RN position.

I am working a 40hour position at a hospital (office side of it) and still trying to go to school full time. I'm used to stress and heavy loads and I can STILL make time for her and try to see her as much as I can even though I work till 11pm every night.

She says that she just wants to see each other less, which I don't feel is a BAD thing because you get bored (and we've already had a break a few months back in which I ignored her and SHE wanted to get back together) But am I wrong to think it's not fair that she now doesn't know of her feelings for me when I've been nothing but help and encourage her to do what she is trying to go for? If I say "I Love you" she either doesn't reply and changes the subject or says the dreaded "I know."

She says she needs space and time and that it's not my fault at all for this, and that she knows that she is lucky to have me and that with all the crap she puts me through at times that I should have left a while ago. She's not good at showing emotion or being open with me (or anyone for that matter) And she said how she's never been good in relationships and that I'm the first fully committed relationship she's been in. She also said something about wanting to go see her friends and hang out with them more often yet I never stop her from doing what she wants or has to do.

I feel that if she isn't using school as her scapegoat because of the relationship (which was really going great) that she should still be able to show her feelings regardless if she is "all over the place" (according to her).

We also weren't having sex for a good 3 weeks or so until today, but for some reason she just hasn't been able to get in the mood or horny at all for a while now, and I usually can get her going in a snap.

I'm just unsure what I should do, I want to give her space but I don't want to a problem to be drawn out until the very end.

I am deeply in love with this girl and I finally decided I need help from other people.

Should I just give her some more space and try to make the time I CAN see her enjoyable and hope for the best? What should I do?

Kevin:confused:

Yes, since she is asking for the "space", by all means give that to her. If you do not and continue to pursue her, that is such a turn off. Makes a woman think creepy things about the guy like pre-stalking behavior. I am sure guys feel that way too about a woman who they dated and just want some time for themselves and the woman keeps it up. The words clingy and dependent come into play. You do not want to be viewed as either one in her eyes. You want to be respected by her.

Whatever she does with her "space" is her business. That being said, whatever you do during that time is your business. You can choose to join a club, a sports team, see other people, get a hobby, get more involved in something you like but never had time for, become a youth mentor (if you would be so inclined), etc. Whatever you do, make it positive for your well being. You want to feel good about yourself, not sitting around in the dumps feeling sorry.

Many couples take a break now and then to reorganize their thoughts and goals. You both have had considerable stress in your career paths and it is okay to both have your space.

Wishing you the very best.

Well, we aren't on a "Break" we HAD one before. But right now she just wants to slow down a bit. Lately we HAVE been seeing each other almost daily, and I know she doesn't feel like she treats me as good lately. But I think she is just so worried about her future that she is solely focused on that. She tends to stress a lot, and is unwilling to let anybody help her... what can I say she's stubborn?

Since we are just "slowing down" what would you all suggest? I've never really slowed down in a relationship, it's either been on or off when I do have one. I really care about this girl and I want her to know that I am still here for her as her boyfriend even when she's so frazzled, and that she's NOT alone in this.

Kevin

Then you can be supportive without being the constant presence. You can let her know you are willing to listen and to talk. But still, make sure you maintain your own self.

You are not to like hearing this, but you are both only 19 with a full plate of work and school. There is no need to push on this or hurry this relationship. The candle cannot burn long with both ends going full blast. Slowing down is not losing. Remember that. Slowing down is taking things more relaxed. Does not mean it is a precursor to a break up.

Have you found ways to show her that your caring for her will be there, even if you two are not in the same room? Some pampering for her, especially since you say she is stressed out. For example, a spa certificate for a massage or manicure.

Others will post with other ideas. I hope you slow yourself down. You sound so urgent, like you are pressed to the wall about this. That is why I suggessted you take some time for yourself too.

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Originally Posted by shygrneyzs

Then you can be supportive without being the constant presence. You can let her know you are willing to listen and to talk. But still, make sure you maintain your own self.

You are not to like hearing this, but you are both only 19 with a full plate of work and school. There is no need to push on this or hurry this relationship. The candle cannot burn long with both ends going full blast. Slowing down is not losing. Remember that. Slowing down is taking things more relaxed. Does not mean it is a precursor to a break up.

Have you found ways to show her that your caring for her will be there, even if you two are not in the same room? Some pampering for her, especially since you say she is stressed out. For example, a spa certificate for a massage or manicure.

Others will post with other ideas. I hope you slow yourself down. You sound so urgent, like you are pressed to the wall about this. That is why I suggessted you take some time for yourself too.

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Granted I'm worried, because she doesn't know what she needs in her life right now, and she doesn't want to feel like she's stringing me along. Which is respectable, yet when I AM around her she's still calling me baby and what not like we always have, and holding my hand and such.

I was going to finish up painting these picture frames that match one of her wall colors (a lavender color) and put the black and white pictures matted in them as a little gift for her, and I was going to be ordering this lavender colored rose bouquet she would love in her room for a little extra year and a half celebration gift. We spent a good amount on these promise rings for this anniversary and she gets mad if I spend too much money on her so there's times she opts to pay and I'm more than glad to let her (lol)

I was thinking that she and I would finally take the weekend getaway to carmel down along the coast here in CA like we've been planning if she would like and I'll have spa treatment day getaway for her before we go to this cute little Italian restaurant (her favorite food) for a nice little evening and then the next day go for a walk on the beach (she and I are very active) and hit up all the shops before coming back. I'm thinking that will relax her a bit... she needs to get out of this town.

I didn't mean to sound rushed, I guess I'm not only worried about our relationship, but whether she is going to be okay. I always try to be a good influence for her and her little sister (15) because well... my girlfriend and her mom aren't really there to compliment her sister when she does good and just talks about the bad things she does.

I know my gf's younger sister would be so mad at her if we did break up (nothing to do with the problem though lol)

Anyway, if anyone can give me some nice romantic ideas or for those in California, if you know anything in the bay area that is nice and relaxing let me know.

Kevin

The weekend at Carmel sounds like this is something she really needs - to get away and relax and be in a gorgeous place. Maybe take some of that pressure off her shoulders. I truly hope that works out. I know you love her and are genuinely concerned.

I feel your concern and think you're a good caring guy, and I think she knows that. Be patient and weather the storm for now, just be there when she needs you, and try to understand her pressure. A weekend together away from the usual pressures sound like a good idea. Mainly give her room, and if she vents, just listen. Slowing down is a pressure relief for her so be very patient.

Hello once again,

So I've been trying to give her what she wants. Taking things slow (which to her is basically... doing nothing it seems)

I don't get her, she's not good at showing emotion and though she tried to show more affection, she used to show a LOT of affection at the beginning of the relationship. I'm her first real relationship (over a year and a half now) she gave me her virginity. I felt we've had good relationship.

She says she likes that we aren't having sex, and that she likes where we are and such. For some reason I just feel like I'm trying to give her everything she wants (which I guess is... nothing) and I still feel like crap almost every day. I'm happy when I'm with her, but she just isn't the same. She likes being with me but taking it slow according to her.

To sum it up, She doesn't want to have sex much (if at all) right now. She doesn't want to see me much, and she doesn't want me to expect basically anything from her I feel. She barely hugs (one of those one armed half hug things) and if we do kiss it's like a peck.

Does she want a chase or something?

Is it that she feels maybe its expected that she see me?

She said how if she wants to go hang out with friends she doesn't want to be like "well I told my bf I was gonna go see him." Never once have I gotten mad at her if she has to change plans spur of the moment, except if I've planned something well in advance that she knew of, and I made a special effort to do something and suddenly it's thrown down the hole.

She wants to take things slow, but I don't know what to expect anymore. Is this going to be forever, is it going to be 3 months, what is it that she wants. Women are a complete library of topics to figure out. And I'm just having a bad study session it seems.

She doesn't want me to try to see her, or anything like that, I'm thinking she wants to feel like I just don't care if I see her. Which isn't true but I don't want to continually play some childish game of cat and mouse.

You guys are my only help, advice is appreciated and taken into consideration.

(p.s. What does very patient entail?)

Kevin

105 views and no advice? Bump

Kevin,
I am going through a similar situation, take a look at my post "She wants a break from our relationship?". I have this wonderful woman that I am willing to do anything for, yet she still will put her friends before me. I can say that there were several occasions where we had plans to do something and she would cancel to go with her friends. Hell two of those occasions foiled my proposal to her. We still got engaged and were happy for a week and out of the blue she asked for a "break"... we have been on one for close to three weeks with contact initiated by her almost everyday for the first week to barely anything for the past 5 days... so I really feel your pain here.

As for advice... I feel it's a maturity issue that you are dealing with as am I. Think about the things that she wants to do at that age, she wants to have fun and not be bothered or pressured with any sort of commitment for right now. I believe she loves you and cares for you but she is trying to block those emotions due the lack of intimacy (believe me I know my girlfriend and I would have sex 4-6 times a week and a 3 weeks prior to the "break" we were lucky if it was 1 time every other week). The best thing to do right now is to back off, leave her alone... wait for her to contact you. It will be the single most hardest thing that you will ever have to do in your life if you truly do love her. Your going to have to let love take over... she is going to have to miss you to see what kind of hole she has made in her life, and if she wants to rectify it. As the saying goes "if you love something set it free, if it was true love it will come back to you". You are going to have to exercise some time and a lot of patience here... the question you are going to have to ask yourself is... how much?

I hope this helps you...

-Jim.

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Originally Posted by Kevin_s

105 views and no advice? bump

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You have been given good advice, but I think you don't know how to take it. That said you probably ignore the signals she gives off for you to slow down and just keep pushing to get what you want. What's so telling is your comment about its either on or off, so your selfishness is quite apparent, and you cannot see that your overwhelming her with your presence, and your need to get your own way. Back off a lot and pay attention, to what and how she talks and acts and give her space without being so insecure about your own needs. Sometimes a hello and see her in a few days is better than 10 texts and wondering why she hasn't texts back. Sometimes letting her sleep is better than hanging around with a movie or going to dinner. Its all about being CONSIDERATE of her feelings, without being asked, or told. Try listening more than talking. Don't you have a life that doesn't depend on her presence to make you happy?? If not get one. When is the last time you made her laugh?

For the most part it's always been about her needs. I always try to accommodate her and make sure that she's happy. She doesn't get texts and since I usually work late and our schedules during the week make it hard to see each other, I'll maybe give her a call on my lunch to chat with her and if she says to call her when I get back into town that night I will do so.

I guess what I meant when saying no advice and such is that I just want to make sure I don't screw this up.

I think she wants somewhat of a chase. She feels like I rely on seeing her when a lot of time it's up to her. I have to go to class now with her (she scheduled her class that way during the beginning of this) and then handle the rest of my day with work and school again.

Looking forward to your replies (And thanks in advance for all the help you've given thus far and will offer to me)

Kevin

Kevin,
I am no expert at this by any means at all, hell I'm even going through a similar situation right now. However "talaniman" in the above post has nailed it on the head. Be considerate to her, but mostly respect yourself. I can see that you have done what most of us if not all of us do in a new relationship... you consume the relationship, it becomes everything to you. You lost touch with friends that you normally would go out and do things with, you lose that passion for whatever it is that occupies your time... in esscence your relationship becomes your passion and you end up smothering it out. I can see it in your last post. After time anything you do that YOU think is special becomes taken for granted and falls off to the wayside. You need to be YOU, don't compromise yourself... it is a really thin line that you have to walk. She will respect that in the end. I would suggest taking this time to yourself to work on yourself, reflect on who you have become since the relationship and who you were prior. I'm sure that you will come up with a lot of positives while in the relationship, be honest to yourself and her. We all hate to face our faults, but that is your first of many steps. I'm sure that you two are becoming like and old pair of shoes, nothing exciting just the same old you. That is not the you that brought the two of you together... you need to find that exciting you again, something that stimulates her all over again. Give her the space she asked for, leave her be... go out have fun with your friends. Don't worry about her, be exciting... give her reasons to miss you and why the two of you should take another shot at it. Let's keep in mind I'm not saying go out and cheat on her but do go out and have fun. You staying at home sulking and miserable will only drive her away more. If she tries to make contact... give it some time before you respond. You get a call, let the voicemail pick up, give it 10-15 min before you respond etc... make her wonder what is going on. Wait till she says "I love you or I miss you" before you say it... you really have to be cool about this. Trust me, I am going through it right now... will it work, hell if I know. But the alternative of staying at home waiting for a call/text/e-mail etc... and being miserable is not my idea of fun... remember 80% of the women out there look for a positive upbeat and funny mate potential...

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Originally Posted by Kevin_s

For the most part it's always been about her needs. I always try to accommodate her and make sure that shes happy. She doesn't get texts and since I usually work late and our schedules during the week make it hard to see each other, I'll maybe give her a call on my lunch to chat with her and if she says to call her when I get back into town that night I will do so.

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I get the feeling from this statement that you are very needy and smothering in the relationship. No girl, NO GIRL wants to be called a bunch of times a day ESPECIALLY when she is busy and has hectic schedule.

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Originally Posted by Kevin_s

I guess what I meant when saying no advice and such is that I just want to make sure I don't screw this up.

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Well you sure seem like you are trying hard to screw it up. Back off her. Not a break but give her S P A C E

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Originally Posted by Kevin_s

I think she wants somewhat of a chase.

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No she wants space. If you keep on top of her and keep chasing her and keep on going and going and pushing and pushing she is gone. It sounds to me like she is already starting to check out of the relationship. What you need to do is give her SPACE. SPACE. SPACE. Stop going out of your way for her and let her have time to breath.

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I always try to accommodate her and make sure that she's happy

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She is responsible for her own happiness, as you are for yours.

All right, so I was hanging out with her and some friends. And she's a big gym kind of girl. She said she met this personal trainer and she requested him as her trainer since he's really good. Well I got her a job at the same gym because I know some friends there. She was using my PC last and was on her myspace and didn't sign out or anything and I take my PC out of sleep mode and I see her message to a friend saying this exactly.

"OMG Kristen! I think I have a HUGE CRUSH!! Lol I was at the gym tonight and this trainer started helping teach me how to do these different workouts. OMG he's got blonde hair and this GORGEOUS smile & he's fit and excited and... omg. I LOVE him! I requested him as my trainer and I found out I got the job at 24hr fitness so maybe I'll run into him from time to time. :) lol this is all bad.
Send me a message not a comment to reply to this. This our little secret Hahah! That makes it sound devious doesn't it?
Love you!

...

Should I just confront her about it, I know that people get bored and that they get crushes and shouldn't act on them. But I felt like when she was telling me about this trainer (before I stumbled upon this) that she liked him.

Is it time to break up? Or should I talk to her about when she was talking about this guy and I want to know what's going on... I have been giving her space. She requested to hang out with me and my best friend and some other people.

What sucks is I have 2 classes with her and we just had our 1.5yr anniversary and got each other promise rings... I guess she bought mine hoping she would still feel something.

She doesn't know what she feels (I figured) and says that she likes being with me and wants to be with me. But why would she blatantly lie behind my back like that?

I know I can be needy at times... I grew up with no attention or affection whatsoever, father who left. Mother always busy, etc.

I try not to be needy, and usually I'm not... but when I'm all depressed like I have been lately and I still have no one there except the only person who did give me some attention and such... I don't even realize I do it.

I really need to know what to do.

No one can tell you what to do. However, I imagine she didn't accidentally not sign out of MySpace. Did you think that she wants you to see the message? I would not confront her with the message because she will accuse you of sneaking into her privacy she will ask why you simply did not sign her out, why were you reading her messages? What you don't trust her? (do you see where that will go?)

Look, dude you sound miserable. If you are not happy then end it. Are you in love with who your girlfriend is NOW or who she WAS? Clearly you have a lot of questions to ask yourself and a lot to think about.

She always forgets to sign out, so I doubt she meant for me to see it. She says she likes being with me, and WANTS to be with me. But why would she go and do that? I've never stopped being in love with this girl, no matter what changes she's been through. I have unconditional love for her, and I thought she had the same.

I am miserable, I don't understand why she's completely flipped a 180 in such a short time.

When she was speaking to me about this trainer guy, I knew she liked him, I could just tell.

I want to be with her, and I love her with all of my heart. I have a feeling that she won't care whether we are together though. Maybe I'm wrong.

A few months back she wanted a break, I said fine, and ignored her and just wouldn't reply to her messages at all, and within like 4 days she came back.

I don't want to keep playing this cat and mouse game.

I am going to whip out my excellent relationship analogy:

A relationship is like a rowboat. What happens in a rowboat when only one person rows? The boat spins in circles and you get nowhere. All you get is tired and frustrated. Now when two people row the boat sails smoothly and get where you want to go.

My question to you is who is paddling?

I guess I'm the only person paddling. It really breaks my heart too..