Ask Me Help Desk - My anger caused our separation

This is my storty I'm 24 and my girl is 19, we been going out since may of 2006. Things were so perfect and there was nothing in the world that can separate us. Until my kids had moved back to the city from upstate this is when things started changing. On my days off my girlfriend would stay over but now I have to take care of my kids on those days. She was staying over on other days after I got out from work but then I had to work the next day. She was a bit upset but I explained I had to take care of my kids though. I tend to lose my temper from the kids cause they don't listen very well (2 y.o. and a 5 y.o.). We recently went on a trip to mexico in June 2007 and we got into a whole big argument cause I was drunk so she stayed in her sisters hotel room for the night the next day we spoke about things and she told me her sister wants her to go back with her and we still had a week left for our vacation. So she left but we worked things out when I got back, I stopped drinking cause I know it had made things worse but also I have a short temper and that's another problem.

So she texted me saying she is unhappy with the way things been going and she can't do this anymore that she doesn't want to be in the relationship, that she just doesn't feel it anymore and now I'm driving myself crazy can't stop thinking of her and telling her how much I love her I don't want to lose her, I can change but she says every time we argue I say the same thing. So everything has been building up inside of her from us arguing I tell her we need to talk about this but she says when every time she wants to talk about things I'm just not in the mood. She says right now she can't deal with it, she tells me she wants to do things like go out make new friends since she's starting her second year at college and I have no problem with that. I don't want to lose her she means so much to me. So we texted all night after she went out to her sisters. I asked if we can meet in the morning so after a while of texting she said OK but she not going to change her decicion about not being with me. The next day I bought flowers and a card before we met, she didn't seem very happy when she saw me with the flowers. She says I'm not giving her the space she needs but I just want to show her I really do care but she said that this is what it takes for me to come to realize. Its so sudden after she went to her sisters that she decided she didn't want to be with me though it seems her sister is telling her something

For whatever reason, she asked for space then give it to her. Slowly fade into the sunset and leave her alone.

Her sister is not 'telling her something'... it is her 19 year old 'self' telling her that she does not need to be with a 24 year old father of two children who drinks, gets upset, and clings... this is self-preservation! And, sorry to say, she is only doing what any other sensible 19 year old should do. You did not say if any one of your children is a girl. But seriously, if you had a daughter would you sit back and let someone like you enter her life and threaten her future plans? I'm not saying you are a bad guy, but just not right for her. She is just starting in her life and needs to focus on what her needs are and not the needs of a ready-made family. She gave it a try, found out it was not for her and is ready to move on with her life. Let her go her way, and spend time setting some priorities for yourself and your kids. You will all be better off in the long-run.

Good luck dear.

She got a wake up call. No 19 year old wants to be dealing with a boyfriend with kids all the time. She wants to be 19 not feel like she has to be a stepmom.

Take talaniman's advice. Fade out and let her be The more you push the less likely it will be that she will ever want you in her life in any way.

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Originally Posted by Chery

Her sister is not 'telling her something'.... it is her 19 year old 'self' telling her that she does not need to be with a 24 year old father of two children who drinks, gets upset, and clings... this is self-preservation! And, sorry to say, she is only doing what any other sensible 19 year old should do. You did not say if any one of your children is a girl. But seriously, if you had a daughter would you sit back and let someone like you enter her life and threaten her future plans? I'm not saying you are a bad guy, but just not right for her. She is just starting in her life and needs to focus on what her needs are and not the needs of a ready-made family. She gave it a try, found out it was not for her and is ready to move on with her life. Let her go her way, and spend time setting some priorities for yourself and your kids. You will all be better off in the long-run.

Good luck dear.

This is all true. It sounds like you could use some anger management training. Look into it and use the time to work on yourself and build a path to more successful relationships in the future.

From the beginning she knew I had kids there was never a problem she loves them

Don't lose the focus you are the problem and only you can deal with it.

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Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

from the begining she knew i had kids there was never a problem she loves them

At the age of 19, liking/loving kids is no problem, but I'm sure she did not plan being their stepmother at present or in the future.

Face it, she needs someone that is there for her, not the other way around. She has the right to make that choice.

Love her, remember her, for who she is and what she gave you in the past, but don't force her to give more than what she is willing to give. Then, let her go...

Now, it's time to concentrate on yourself and the kids. That's the part of your life that you have control over.

Good luck.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

YES ANOTHER CHUFF TWO PARTER

Part 1 of 2

Hello Elliot,

Despite what is about to happen, I really think you are a decent guy. In fact I can pull several admirable qualities about you from this thread alone but unfortunately they will not get the focus. You will now get Chuffed, it's nothing personal.

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Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

This is my storty I'm 24 and my girl is 19, we been going out since may of 2006. things were so perfect

Things were not perfect. Things weren't even great. Things were not even remotely good. Things were terrible. The first step in the road to recovery is being honest with yourself, so you'd better start before you make the same mistakes over and over.

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Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

and there was nothing in the world that can separate us.

Except everything you mentioned here so there were actually several things that could separate you.

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Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

until my kids had moved back to the city from upstate this is when things started changing.

Quite honestly I think it's pathetic that you talk a lot about your anger, your drinking, you desperation attempts to get her back but then throw your kids under the bus as the reason things got bad between you. She may not have wanted to be responsible for 2 children that were not her own but they are not the reason she left.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

on my days off my girlfriend would stay over but now I have to take care of my kids on those days. she was staying over on other days after i got out from work but then i had to work the next day. she was a bit upset but i explained i had to take care of my kids though. i tend to lose my temper from the kids cause they dont listen very well (2 y.o. and a 5 y.o.).

That would be like most 2 and 5 year olds wouldn't it? Do you know why they don't listen? Because they can get more attention from you if you lose your temper. To a child any attention is good attention. Unfortunately for them they are learning that the only way to communicate is to lose there temper.

Now what do you think your ex girlfriend was thinking when she watched you lose it at the children you already had? Do you think as a woman she was thinking “If I ever had children, I'd want this man to be their father?” Seriously now you have to know woman want a protector for their young and guys who have children are being watched by the women there dating to see exactly how they react to children. Taking that a step further I bet at some point she thought, “If I ever had children with him and something happened to me this is how they would be raised.”

Now I'm not knocking your parenting and I don't want to come off as that way, the very fact that you custody tells me you're a capable father. But I'm saying a woman is going watch what you do in that situation as a protection mechanism.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

we recently went on a trip to mexico in june 2007 and we got into a whole big argument cause i was drunk so she stayed in her sisters hotel room for the night the next day we spoke about things and she told me her sister wants her to go back with her and we still had a week left for our vacation.

She wanted to go home. She used her sister as a guinea pig. If she really wanted to stay she would have told her sister she was staying. The reality was it was over at this point. It was actually over before the trip took place but she probably held out for a trip to Mexico. When that didn't work out then it was over for sure.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

so she left but we worked things out when i got back, i stopped drinking cause i know it had made things worse but also i have a short temper and thats another problem.

So you have a short temper, what have you done to correct that? What is it about things that set you off? Why would anyone male or female want to be around someone that just loses it all the time?

You have one life, why waste it being PO'ed at everything and everyone?

What is it about being mad makes you so happy? And that is the core of your problem. The human brain is designed to protect you and make you happy so if your pissed off all the time it makes you happy on some level. I'd rather figure it out at 24 and correct it then live in misery all my life. I hope you feel the same way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

So she texted me saying she is unhappy with the way things been going and she can't do this anymore that she doesnt wanna be in the relationship, that she just doesnt feel it anymore

By no means will I let her get a pass on this. If she is going to dump you then she needs to tell you in person….hell even on the phone where you can hear her voice. But to texted someone after a year and half (or after a month, the time is irrelevant) is disrespectful, uncaring, and wrong. You have given too much of your heart to be disrespected like that.

Also, when she says she doesn't feel it anymore that is girl talk for “I'm not attracted to you and you don't generate any emotion inside of me.”

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Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

and now im driving myself crazy can't stop thinking of her and telling her how much i love her

That will not help your cause. That comes off as desperate and as someone who isn't listening. It also plays into what she said about not feeling it anymore. Women what strong emotional guys that don't need them, someone they can lean against. You come off as someone that is leaning against her for support, which is the exact opposite of what she needs.

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Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

i dont wanna lose her, i can change but she says every time we argue i say the same thing.

Well, isn't that true? Have you changed yet?

Part 2 of 2

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

so everything has been building up inside of her from us arguing i tell her we need to talk about this

Right there is a huge problem for you. No guy wants to hear the words “we need to talk.” As bad as it is for a guy to hear, it is 10 times worse for a girl to hear “We need to talk.” Girls want to see results and they want to see it through action. If you are going to talk to them then what exactly are you providing for them? They can talk to there girlfriends. There man gets things done and he doesn't need to get their permission.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

but she says when everytime she wants to talk about things im just not in the mood. she says right now she can't deal with it, she tells me she wants to do things like go out make new friends since shes starting her second year at college and i have no problem with that.

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Your so far apart in your lives. She is at a different stage and she has a different agenda then you do. That doesn't make you the bad guy it just makes you the guy at a different place in his life then she is.

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Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

i dont wanna lose her she means so much to me.

So that I don't come off as totally coming down on you, I have no doubt that you are telling the truth. You obviously have a huge heart but wouldn't it be better for you to give that someone that wants it, and will accept it?

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Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

so we texted all night after she went out to her sisters. i asked if we can meet in the morning

Again this comes off as being desperate. You still keep the contact and you ask to meet her.

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Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

so after a while of texting she said ok but she not gonna change her decicion about not being with me.

So you listened and replied “no I just want to grab some breakfast before my busy day,” right??

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Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

the next day i bought flowers and a card before we met,

I guess not. Okay I know you love this woman, it's obvious. Anyone that says you don't is full of it. But if she clearly told you her decision was final and you still kept asking her out and she finally said yes why did you not prove to her you could listen? Buying her flowers and card only CONFIRMS what she told you about not feeling it. If she loved you or cared about you, you wouldn't need to buy her off with gifts. That is exactly what she meant when she said she doesn't feel it. Your not acting like a strong, solid emotional rock that women want in a guy.

Flowers are a reward for love after you've been together for a long time and a special occasion they are not a last ditch attempt to buy your way into love.

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Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

she didnt seem very happy when she saw me with the flowers.

Because she's not a slave who can be bought and sold with flowers and card.

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Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

she says im not giving her the space she needs

She's right.

To be fair she's not exactly the queen of taking that space as she seems to love her texting as it relates to you.

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Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

but i just wanna show her i really do care but she said that this is what it takes for me to come to realize.

That's a BS line by her and I'm calling her on it. Hell, I've never met you and I can see you care about this girl so I know she could see that you cared even with the issues you ADMIT to having. Has little miss perfect admitting to doing anything wrong? Doubtful. She isn't exactly filled with class if she has to dump someone via text after a year and half so she's got no room to talking about what it takes to show you care.

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Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

its so sudden

It was not in any way sudden. She knew this was coming months before she told you. Women bring themselves down out of a relationship then tell the guy it's over.

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Originally Posted by ElliotLovesHer

after she went to her sisters that she decided she didnt wanna be with me though it seems her sister is telling her something

Well her sister may agree with her, her sister does not control her actions. You will not give your ex a pass and blame the sister. This was her doing and she knew long in advance. Now you did not help matters with your attitude as that only added to the list of reasons she had but do not blame anyone but your ex.

You are so dead on chuff. I hope Elliot takes it all to heart, and forgets everything but his kids, and dealing with his own personal issues. Nothing else matters at this point.