Ask Me Help Desk - About to be married

About to be married

My Fiancé and myself haven't set a date because there are things that we have to do that takes priority. She has a ten year old son who I adore and have taken him in my heart and soul. He has a dead beat dad that does nothing for him but gets to see him anytime he gets ready. That problem number 1. number 2 since day one I have always put them first (ex. If I have $50 I gave $45 to her because I know that she is going to need it more than I will because of her son. Here is the problem last year I had my car repossed and I tried to keep it to myself and take care of it on my own but some kind of way she found out. Now she is saying that she is tired of being lied to and that I mistreat her and at years end she wants to go separate ways because she doesn't want anyone who lies to her. I will admit that I have had my moments where I wasn't totally honest but on the other hand she has too but I never said anything. I have never cheated or hit her and like I said earlier kept her and her son as my number 1 and putting myself last. Is my relationship over? Please tell me if it can be repaired.

Hello.

From what you said she is giving you until the end of the year to show her your going to be honest about everything. If you want to keep her you need to show her you can be trusted. It's great that you give her money and time but a relationship has to have honesty and communication. All the money in the world can't make a relationship work that doesn't have communication and honesty. BUT a relationship that has communication and honesty can grow even if your living in a tent and eating beans.

Good Luck
Dennis777

Well... a healthy relationship isn't always about putting yourself last.

She likely has trust issues from the past, and whatever has happened besides the repo makes her trigger happy concerning being lied to.

If you have treated them this well and all you say is true, and she genuinely wants it over, why the hell does she wait until the end of the year? Sounds like she's looking for an exit strategy.. and wanting time to use your money while she's at it. I don't agree on the "trial" period. Bs. She's told you its over when its convenient for her.

I say back way off, including financially. It isn't fair to you to be told the relationship is over and then relied upon. She needs to grow up a bit.

And she might be the one who feels like she has cause to question the relationship, but I think you do as well. Yes, we all sacrifice some for our children and even for relationships... we give up some things to gain some...

But I just think it sounds like her love doesn't run as deep as it needs to. Maybe she fell into a comfort zone. Maybe she liked you taking care of her.

But I think you deserve more.

My partner would be furious if I hid a financial issue like you did. But she Wouldn't toss me out the door.

She's treating you like crap. At the very best, she's using it to control you and get leverage in the relationship. At worst, she is honest and just can't stand lies.

You sound like a good guy whose trying hard and sometimes messing up. Been there. Done that. Don't kick yourself too much. You have good intentions. I think she's just not as vested in this as you. Better to know now than after there is a ring.

It may be in fact that is also what her ex did to her and she is seeing a repeat pattern forming and trying to avoid it.
I would suggest getting some counseling. Did you tell her why you were trying to hid your problem?
As far as the ex is concerned it is sad that he is deadbeat but as the father he still as a right to see his child.
Relationships that have broken trust don't work out but you might be able to savage this one. Good luck

Did all the money you gave her have anything to do with not being able to make your car payments? Maybe you got your priorities a little out of whack. Just a thought.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kp2171

well... a healthy relationship isnt always about putting yourself last.

she likely has trust issues from the past, and whatever has happened besides the repo makes her trigger happy concerning being lied to.

if you have treated them this well and all you say is true, and she genuinely wants it over, why the hell does she wait until the end of the year? sounds like shes looking for an exit strategy.. and wanting time to use your money while shes at it. i dont agree on the "trial" period. bs. shes told you its over when its convenient for her.

i say back way off, including financially. it isnt fair to you to be told the relationship is over and then relied upon. she needs to grow up a bit.

and she might be the one who feels like she has cause to question the relationship, but i think you do as well. yes, we all sacrifice some for our children and even for relationships... we give up some things to gain some...

but i just think it sounds like her love doesnt run as deep as it needs to. maybe she fell into a comfort zone. maybe she liked you taking care of her.

but i think you deserve more.

my partner would be furious if i hid a financial issue like you did. but she WOULDNT toss me out the door.

shes treating you like crap. at the very best, shes using it to control you and get leverage in the relationship. at worst, she is honest and just can't stand lies.

you sound like a good guy whose trying hard and sometimes messing up. been there. done that. dont kick yourself too much. you have good intentions. i think shes just not as vested in this as you. better to know now than after there is a ring.

i know but i really love her and all that i want to do is be a real man and take care of my family. yea money isn't everything but i said that to show you that i give them my last. i feel like i have everything to lose. yea i haven't been totally honest in the past but like i said i really do give my last i go to work eating noodles. its pretty f'd up tht woman say they want i real me but when one come he get treated like this!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

Did all the money you gave her have anything to do with not being able to make your car payments? Maybe you got your priorities a little out of whack. Just a thought.

I would loose everything if it means taking care of my family!

Quote:

Originally Posted by saturn22

i would loose everything if it means taking care of my family!

Well, that's just it. If you give everything away, you can't take care of your family. Taking care of people doesn't necessarily mean giving them everything they want, or even everything you think they need. If you need a car to get to work and keep a steady income coming in, giving away the car payment doesn't really take care of them.

Saturn, OK so what the hell do I know about taking care of a family. Married 7 years, happily. Son, daughter.

Maybe you can educate me sometime.

Losing yourself or everything for your family in most circumstances is not sustainable or healthy. Consistently being last in line isn't always best for the whole or for yourself. Its about balance.

But then, like I said, you talk like you know best. Show me what a "real man" is.

And you aren't being a real man, you are being a butler.

Scour the posts here. There are dozens of guys like you, getting walked all over, wondering where they went wrong.

You don't have to take my advice. I'm just one person. But I'm a happy guy, in a happy marriage, in a healthy relationship. And I've been where you are, years ago.

Present yourself as second best or a doormat and you will get walked all over.

There seems to be a huge lack of communication between the two of you. What would really help your relationship at this point would be to seek couple's counseling. It will help you both communicate better and sort your mixed feelings out. Its necessary for both adults and her son that things improve...
Don't get married until all this is sorted out. That would only make things worse in the long run.

Good luck to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by saturn22

i would loose everything if it means taking care of my family!

I can appreciate what you're trying to say, but "loosing everything" will not enable you to take care of them.

Just remember to take care of yourself, too. If you don't treat yourself well, you won't be ABLE to take care of them. Also, your fiancé should be taking care of YOU, not just you catering to her. That's part of your problem... you have to come together for each other.

I would also suggest you try and get budget counseling as well.