My life has been turned upside down. I met a wonderful man and the first 6 months were the most incredible I've ever experienced. I knew from the beginning he was bipolar but he never exhibited any signs or behavior that indicated it. Looking back, he was probably in a hypomanic state (he has BPII). Since, I've gone through verbal abuse, watching the man I love slowly and completely disappear due to situational as well as the chemical depression, the meds, etc.. We don't even have a relationship anymore. To make matters worse, he's having an emotional affair (he admitted to being "somewhat" attracted to her).

But I've often felt like something is "off" with me. I don't believe I have bipolar because I don't exhibit any signs of mania (I don't think). But I"m extremely sensitive, and when faced with something very emotional (such as when my boyfriend verbally attacks when he's raging) I get hysterical. I can hyperventilate, get sick, lose control of my emotions, shake or lose control of my bodily functions, and just want to not exist in those moments where I feel such pain and hurt. We are having extreme financial difficulties and I have been trying to get a permanent job - I've been temping and the money is terrible. I finally landed an assignment back at a company I've been dying to get a job at. The problem is, I absolutely hate the assignment. It's a high profile admin job where I would constantly have to "take care of" all these department heads when all I want is a job where I can disappear, sit in front of a computer or be left to do project work. So in one week, I left the job. I told my temp company I couldn't do it. Now I won't have any income.

Normally, I'm very responsible, organized, and outgoing. But I just don't want to FEEL. I've done this in the past - walked out on a job without any warning. Both times, it's been because of a feeling of being trapped. I almost feel as if everyone knows what's going on with me or can sense there's something wrong. I can't "fake it" like some people can so when I'm upset, I just want to stay in bed and sleep so I don't have to think or feel. I've called in sick to work when I've had arguments with my BF because it was too much to face people at work.

When I was feeling overwhelmed (now and the few times in my life I recall), I've also lost my appetite (something I NEVER do - even when I'm sick I want to eat). I even started eating and then making myself sick for a while. The place I was working at at that time, it felt like everyone was against me. There was one person I worked closely with who was a backstabber and that was legit - no one liked her. But then when I complained about her, I didn't get support and I started feeling like all eyes were on me. I feel that once people "see me" or I've made mistakes or done things that people frown upon, I don't want to continue. It's like I want to start all over again somewhere else and reinvent myself.

I sometimes feel I overreact to things, and when I do, it's immediate. BEfore I know it, I've already overreacted, gotten way out of control or showed way too much emotion.

This has even happened in a large circle of friends I had through a sports league. I stopped playing one season because of an injury but then because of all the issues with my boyfriend, I didn't feel like going back. Then I had a falling out with a girlfriend who is a big part of this circle (she and I were the organizers of the group). Now I feel like everyone is speculating on my life and my choices and once I feel that happens, I don't want to be around those people any more because I'm tired of people questioning me - why did I leave this job, how's your relationship, etc. etc..

I've never wanted to hurt myself yet it crosses my mind to self medicate - at the worst, a pain med to put me to sleep or a drink or two to relax but I rarely drink otherwise.

I always seem to have these big plans that everyone knows about and when they fall through or I don't go through with them, I don't want to deal with listening to people and their comments so I tend to "disappear."

I also need constant reassurance from people and I am paranoid that people are always mad at me for something or talking about me. I hate that because it especially affects my relationship.

Is it just stress or is there something else?

I know this is just a jumble - I've never actually shared this with anyone so I'm not sure if I've put this in a way that anyone will understand. But if someone does, that will be great!

Hi,
Wow, what a long "question".
Have you considered seeing a professional? Or maybe talking with a minister, priest, or a professional counselor?
There are groups, free to join, to talk about things like this. Look in your local phone book yellow pages, and find a group to check out.
Best of luck,
fredg

First things first - take a deep breathes, calm yourself and try to relax. All the things you have described to me co-inside with what I went through as teenager.

It sounds like you have depression and it also sounds like you are experiencing panic attacks - this is all bought on through stress. Allowing things to build up inside of you without any release until it you errupt like a volcano and you lose control of your mind and body.

Being tired and not wanting to get out of bed in the mornings; not wanting to be around people; flying off the handle at loved ones; feeling alone; not able to cope with everyday life; the smallest of problems feel like huge ones they are all signs of depression.

The shaking and losing control of your bodily functions - do you experience pulpitations, where your heart skips a beat? Do you experience loss of breath which gets to the point where you feel like you cannot breathe and you begin to panic? Do you obtain pains in places like you chest & neck? - If so then you having panic attackes - it's nothing to worry abput but something that you will need to learn to control over time. If you feel one coming on the best thing to do is breathe into a paper bag - Panic attackes lead to hyperventilation and you take in way too much oxygen which causes you to go all light headed and get pins and needles in your lips & hands and your legs may even feel like jelly. Breathing into a paper bag will slow your breathing down and help to balance out the carbon dioxide & oxgen levels - cupping your hands around your mouth has the same effect. Get someone to make you a cup of tea as well as this has a calming effect.

Remember depression is an illness and is all to do with the mind. The mind is a very powerful thing and with will-power and the ability to ask for help (preferably your Doctor) you will find your way back in no time at all. Talking to a friend or even a counselor always helps as it gets things off your chest. Enables to help you put things in perspective. It's very hard but nothing to worry about. You may feel like your worl is falling apart and you are losing your grip; but you are not. With a little help & support you will get through this.

I have been through all of this and I have come out the other side. I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through and I willhelp in anyway I can.

Paranoia and the feeling that people don't like you and hate you or are mad at you are all part of depression. It will effect your relationship because your partner will have no idea what is going on with you and no one will ever understand until you have been there.

If you can pluck up the courage to seek help from your Doctor (which is very hard and you have to be really brave) then your partner will recognise that you have a problem and you are dealing with it. At the moment he probably cannot see there is a problem and just feels you have changed.

All my friends turned their back on me because they thought I had changed as a person. The one friend that didn't was the one that new me inside out and knew that I was not myself. He could see something was wrong and supported me the best way he could.

Depression is very common and a lot of people go their whole lives without even knowing they have it. You have recongised things are not right and that is just the first step. So you should commend yourself. You have done really well.

There are different levels of bi-polar disorder; you do not have to have the mania. I have lived with my BP husband for 17 years. You do exhibit most of the signs, but I would like to point out that I am not a doctor. My best advice to you is to get help. My husband has BP my Daughter has every symptom of BP and is also a self mutilator. The doctors will not label her with BP because she is so young. I myself sought treatment just to work out the issues in my home. Living in it is very difficult at times. There is nothing to be ashamed of with seeking treatment. A doctor would be better able to help you than us, the good people of the site