My wife had an affair and it has ended. She said it was a mistake and she doesn't talk to him anymore. I khow this is a lie, because I checked her phone records and they talk a lot to each other. She is very defensive when I bring the affair up. I am tired of being lied to. What should I do?

First of all, I am very sorry, I know it must hurt.

Honestly not much you can do.
You have options.

1.Tell her not to see or talk to him and delete him from the phone book.

But then again you can't control someone's life and who they speak to.

2. Go have a talk with the guy. She's your wife, he should respect you and her. (If you do this try not to get voilent haha)

3. Ask your wife why she did that, how she truly feels about you. You wouldn't want to waste your time in soemthing that will hurt you


4. Lay it down straight. Your as every bit of human as she ask. Ask her how she would feel if you went out with girls and slept with them?

5. Marriage consoling

6. Leave her

That is VERY drastic and I do not suggest it.

Also think about it, if she "loves you" why would she hurt you? Why would she even need another guy to kiss and hug and do whatever with? You can provide the same service. You have to talk to her about this.. Don't let her waste your time. ITs very drastic to leave someone but if she loves you and does this, ask yourself is it worth it? How long have you two been married?
If you love her and your willing to stay, I say go for counciling, if not sadly you should leave her.

No violence, or divorce is needed. Just a little more compromise. Counciling is great.
I don't want to sound like I'm telling you to leave her. Haha not what I'm tyring to say at all. I hope you understood.

If she can't stop lying I don't see a reason to continue with the relationship. If there is no trust it will never work.
If she can delete this guy from her life and you feel that you can get over her affair then maybe some counsling can help you.
Good luck to you.

I'm sorry to hear you were betrayed that way. :(

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she is very defensive when I bring the affair up.

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You have every right to bring it up. Too bad if she gets defensive, she really hurt you and you deserve to have all the answers. Talking about it will help you both, so she needs to allow you that. This is her fault and she needs to take responsibility.

I would highly recommend a marriage counselor. You both need to sit down with a mediator and decide if this marriage is something you both want to pursue. If she refuses to go, that may be an indicator of how she feels, but there is nothing stopping you from going alone. There are a lot of hurt feelings, and only time will tell what can happen; but for success in moving forward, both of you have to make an effort.

Good luck to you.

Maybe it's time for you to think about separating with her unless you still love her.
I don't see a reason you should.

I think that you should tell her it's either you or him, she should make her choice.

I'm so sorry thαt you hαve to go through this-- it mαkes me so sαd when mαrriαges hαve hαrd bumps like this-- this could be α) α fαll down b) α beginning of α new chαpter...

Gut feeling tells me she's lying-- you hαve her phone records? I'd go see this guy.. knock him out.. [k no violence but god homewreckers piss me right the @#*$! Off! ]

Tell your wife strαight up to stop plαying gαmes- if she wαnt to be α little hoe αnd open her legs then its over [i hope your not going to αccept this αnd live like the "other mαn" in her life.. not good] or to end it αnd go to mαritαl counciling [this would SERIOUSLY do some dαmαge control!! ]-- tell your "wife" whαts on your mind αnd how it hurt you-- tαke her fricken cellphone αwαy-- she αcted like α mindless child so she should be treαted like one..

Be strong-- we're αll here for you.

I am so sorry. I've been there. :(

Tell her you know she is lying. You are not stupid. Don't hide the fact that you know the truth. Truth hurts, and for someone who thinks she's getting away with something, it usually shocks the system to find out you know the truth. I would give her an ultimatum. Tell her she has her choice. She can have her marriage, and all the things in her marriage that she loves, or she can have him. But she cannot have both.

Tell her that she can have him if she wants, but remind her that karma's a kick in the pants. It will do nothing but feed the other guy's ego if you contact him and tell him to stay away from your wife. Think of him as completely insignificant if it helps.

If she says she wants to work it out, I agree with the PP, you should seek counseling. But keep monitoring those phone records.

You may want to try a trial separation as well. Sometimes the only way someone can realize what they have is to lose it. If you tell her she can have her freedom, but it's not all it's cracked up to be, it may be better for you.

Hello:

In my view, when trust is gone, it's gone and doesn't come back. If she lied once, she'll lie again. Hit the road.

excon

Hello.

First, don't go see the guy, all that will do is start more problems.

Most of the time a person that cheats will cheat forever. If you make her stop seeing him she will find another. The only way to stop it is to find out why she needs the other man. It could be as simple as you spending too much time working or playing and she needs the attention. It could be she needs more sexual attention. It could be she is a cheater and enjoys the thrill of cheating. I don't know but unless you can get her to open up and talk it out she is going to cheat on you.

If you can't find the answer soon then you can live with the lies or walk away and in time find mrs. right that will treat you like a special guy you are.

Good Luck
Dennis777

So you know that the affair is not over. What does your gut tell you? I know the head and the heart are fighting each other right now. It always gets messy when your emotions are involved. Realistically - you know you should leave. Emotionally, you may feel like you love this woman and you can't imagine life without her. So what do you do?
First of all, you have to KNOW the affair has stopped. If it doesn't - she has made a choice.
Second, if you are to work this out, get into counseling - NOW. Trying to work this out in your head will drive you crazy. You will never know why this has happened to you - a counselor can help you sort through emotions. They can help you both work together.

Trust is something that is exteremely hard to get back. It is an unpleasant journey - the one coming out of hell - but I think it can be done. If you want it too. But, sadly, you can not do it alone. Both of you have got to want this to work. IF she doesn't, I am sorry to say, your marriage is over.
Good Luck.

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Originally Posted by dcole

taking her cell phone away is ridiculous - so it talking about a women spreading her legs.

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Well 1- she is tαlking to the guy on her cellphone-- so tαke it αwαy... αnd I'm blunt; she shouldn't be screwing αround -- she's mαrried.

I'm sorry if you find α problem with my upfront-ness.. but this is α public posting

Dcole disagrees: not enough info to suggest separation or divorce

There is no save for this woman! He has tried to talk to her, but she avoided.I was nice enough to suggest separation. He doesn't have to put up with his wife any more. And at this point, he should keep the house, let her leave!

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Originally Posted by excon

Hello:

In my view, when trust is gone, it's gone and doesn't come back. If she lied once, she'll lie again. Hit the road.

excon

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I would have to agree... I've been cheated on a few times in the past, was stupid enough to believe she/they wouldn't do it again, and only ended up splitting up every time because I either a) caught her red-handed or b) couldn't get the thought of her screwing some other guy out of my mind and just couldn't handle the anxiety

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Originally Posted by TBOWEN80

my wife had an affair and it has ended. she said it was a mistake and she doesnt talk to him anymore. i khow this is a lie, because i checked her phone records and they talk alot to each other. she is very defensive when i bring the affair up. i am tired of being lied to. what should i do?

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Wow I am So Sorry To hear That! I Think Once is a cheater is always a cheater! U don't need that drama. She cheated on you =unfaithful
She Lied to you= unfaithful
She Used you = un faithful
And she is Still Talking to the Guy? = UNFAITHFUL & ALWAYS WILL!!

**Its a shame How People Cheat on The ones They "LOVE" And Risk 2 Lose Everything They Got just To get 5 minutes Of Sex And Continue To Do So Until They Get caught! **

Once Again I am Really Sorry what has happened to you.. I hope I Helped u.

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dcole disagrees: Sure... but don't you think a little more info would be helpful before saying you don't see why he should love her anymore? Too drastic with such little info.

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To separate can be a way of saving their marriage, she might start changing her attitude, willing to work things out. (he of course has tried to talk to her,what else can he do?) Then they will come back. Separating is not divorcing!
He has told us over and over again, that she is not going to face the fact.
Why don't you suggest some other ways instead of criticizing others?

Not loving someone and not being married anymore are two entirely different things. Just because you end a marriage doesn't mean the love stops. When one person is betrayed over and over - it hurts. But, that person didn't stop loving the betrayer - they didn't turn to another. They stayed day in and day out giving themselves to the marriage. Feelings can not be turned off like a faucet. It would sometimes be easier if they were.
But, love is not always enough. Especially when it seems to be onesided. Both people have to be committed to making something work. Don't fall into the trap of trying to love someone enough for the both of you. It doesn't work. You set yourself up to fail.

I have been in your shoes. It is not a place I want to go back to. I would not wish the pain you are feeling on anyone. A marriage in a crisis such as this can be saved. But you can not do it alone. If you walk away - do it knowing that you have done everything possible to save it. If you can say that you have and nothing is changing from the other person, then you know what you have to do.
If an affair has not stopped - the healing can not begin. Plain and simple.

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Originally Posted by TBOWEN80

my wife had an affair and it has ended. she said it was a mistake and she doesnt talk to him anymore. i khow this is a lie, because i checked her phone records and they talk alot to each other. she is very defensive when i bring the affair up. i am tired of being lied to. what should i do?

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Talk o your wife about the situation and show her the celphone so that she won't have any more alibis. You have to fight for your wife. You shouldn't just give her to the other guy. Remember this, "Your wife is your property. She is yours. You didn't steal her. She is legally yours and you are legally hers. Ask her for her celphone and never give her a chance to talk to him. Find this book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and buy it. This has helped my husband and I to mend our relationship. I know it will help you too.

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Originally Posted by Marily

I think that you should tell her it's either you or him, she should make her choice.

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I just read some of the other responses (like this one). It sounds like she's already MADE her choice if she's told you it's over but you've caught her in another lie. She has no respect for you as her husband... I would end it and not give her the chance to hurt you again.

Hello there. Man, I feel your pain. I am going through the same thing right now. I have been married for almost 9 years and my wife had an affair 3 months ago. She has pulled away from the guy but is having withdrawl symptoms similar to a drug addict. I have obtained an attorney and started the process of divorce. I did that right after I found out she cheated. She moved out for a month but just moved back in 2 weeks ago. Note, we have 3 small kids ages 6, 6, and 7. Do you have kids with her? I can tell you that if we did not have kids together there would be no doubt about what to do. She would be gone in a heartbeat. But when you throw kids in the loop it really makes a mess even more of a mess. So in my case, the ball is kind of in my court. She has no idea whether I will proceed with the divorce or not. Either way it is ugly and I am miserable. I know that we have to put it in God's hands and let Him take control. But you know as well as I do, that is hard to do when your emotions get involved. Good luck with your situation.