Hey this is my first post on this site...
Me and my girlfriend had been dating for about 7 months and hooking up for two more afterwards (im 17 she's 16, I know were young lol) things were great for the first 5 I know neither of us were ever happier, we were also each others first sex partners... This girl was absolutely OBSESSED with me for the whole time we were together and I loved her in return, she would call me like six times a day... than everything changed out of no where... We started fighting a lot after about 5 or 6 months and eventually on 7 months we mutually agreed; although I brought it up, on a break, this was towards the end of the school year... we hooked up for two months afterwards and were still basically dating as we hadn't even kissed anyone else for those two months... I went on a school summer trip and hooked up with a girl there... she found out and a week or so later hooked up with a boy... all of the sudden things are changing before she said no matter what she knew we would always wind up together again, now she says she doesn't know what is going to happen... she constantly cries over me but doesn't want to be together right now... I've tried everything so far we went to the movies and talked I kissed her but things still were bad I avoided her at a party and she basically begged for attention... when I gave it to her she cried her eyes out because she's says she loves me but doesn't know what she wants... she told her friend in secrecy that she loved me to death but just wanted this last month of summer to her self she just wanted to enjoy the last month and have fun with no strings attached or any drama but she thought we would start talking again when school started... recently me one of her friends and her friends boyfriend and one of my good friends went somewhere were the girl was supposed to go but was replaced obviously by my friend since we had fought... now she post "myspace "stuff saying how she will always love me but theirs a time to let go that she misses me constantly but knows its for the better for both of us its like her feelings change everyday... sometimes it seems like she has to force herself to cut us off and sometimes it seems like when she hears I'm happy she's happy that I'm happy and is willing to sacrifice and cut it off... I just want to know what she really wants and what is really going to happen... I avoided her for a while but its hard, I'm afraid if I cut things off completely and don't talk to her at all like so many people on this site say to do than she will just let us go I know she still really loves me and is always thinking about me but she is very strong willed and will do what she thinks is right I want things to turn out good in the end for both of us together... but I've tried everything I'm so lost on what to do now... we were supposed to go out sometime this week I don't know whether I shuld even take her or not... please any help or advice down to the simpliest detail... thank you! :)

Young love sometimes is so flipping hard to understand.

I mean, you ARE in love, in the capacity that you have and with the knowledge you have... but it changes.

You both are in love with being in love. You miss the feeling and the security. And you might very well miss the person, but I really think she's moving on... its just that she appreciates what you've had and its hard to let go. Even if it's the right thing to do.

I can't tell you to go or stay. Well, I can. I can't make you do anything. I'm guessing its time to back off, back away, appreciate what you had and have, and look forward to the next love you will experience. They are never the same as the previous one. They are not supposed to be.

I know. Its confusing. Most of us have been where you are. Its tough to let go when it was so right. But sometimes its just so right for a time, and that time passes.

Doesn't mean it was wrong. It just doesn't always mean that it was to last.

Well first of all, I can already tell that you're expecting a way for you two to live happily ever after. Honestly, at your age that rarely happens... Judging by the erratic behavior between the two of you that you've described, I doubt that what either one of you is feeling would be classified as love, but rather attatchment. Attachment is simply having someone in your life for a long time and not being able to imagine a future without them. It works similarly to addictions and usually is like a cloud of panic that prevents one from being able to imagine themselves in a different mindset with a different person. This is most common in teenagers who are obsessed with drama and false hopes of love. Honestly, I can tell you from experience that you both would very easily get over each other after a few months if not sooner. If I were you, I'd hang out with friends, do things you enjoy to help yourself get over this person (make sure you're not hanging out with her). It would also be appropriate to suggest the two of you don't even talk for a while, give it time and if you still feel a strong desire to be with her... well then, we have another situation on our hands... this is an issue of maturity but don't worry its extremely common : )

Thanks guys I understand that a lot of people just say move on you'll find something better but my objective is to give this girl space for the remainder of the summer than have her back to see if I really love her I don't want to end it completely... do any of you have any advice on how to win her back... should I talk to her as a friend every once in a while... or just not talk to her at all until school and let things mend themselves and start over from the beginning once we are separated for a while..? Any thing to help get her back please because I know at times she wants to be back with me but feels she can't or won't be happy

I forgot to mention how insanely obsessed this girl was with me for the whole time... even when we were ona break she would call me constantly and sometimes I almost felt I wanted space... kind of a weird switch around... I know she still thinks about me constantly and loves me very much I just want to know how to geta second chance with her and make us happy again do I avoid her or be friends or call her or don't talk until the school year? AHH WHAT DO I DO!

Obsession isn't necessarily a sign of healthy love, usually its immature love and sometimes its unhealthy... but too many people here equate aching and hurting to be with the other person as the hallmark of great love.

Well... yeah, I'm not going to play down the desire and the want... but in many cases it becomes larger than life and can get in the way...

You said in your first post you want to know what she wants and what will happen. That led me to think you want to know the truth. Now you say its more important to win her back after giving her the illusion of space.

I'm sorry. Doesn't work like that. There's no perfect "trick" to giving someone the space they are asking for and then ensuring that you are doing "all the right things" to get them back.

Maybe shell change her mind. Maybe not. You don't get any guarantee. And if you take a little time to scour the threads here, you will find lots of people in your shoes. It happens.

But just because she says she loves you doesn't mean she's going to be with you. Doesn't mean she's not either. Like I said, part of that ache when a relationship pulls apart is missing the security. You love being in love.

Something seems to be telling her to step back. And then she struggles with the prospect of the unknown. And then gets her resolve back.

So... its short time now. If you want to try to back off and then see where things are in a month, that's not forever away. Not like you are going to waste years of your life if it doesn't work out. So fine... mentally you need to be OK with her trying to work things out on her side. Like it or not, in the end shell be in a better place, whether she chooses to be with you or not... shell have worked through some mental issues... in terms of growing emotionally, changing, understanding what she needs... and I think shell be better for the evaluation and action.

You run the risk of being no further along right now, cause you are just talking about a "holding pattern"... the "space" she needs now, but really you'll just be ready to jump back into the same old place at a moments notice. That means you are standing at the starting line, waiting for the gun to fire... and waiting... and waiting... what if it doesn't? Think your nerves will be shot?

So... all you can do in terms of the relationship is be reasonably kind while taking care of yourself. If you refuse to do no contact, which is really about making YOU get to a better place and not about placating a partner, then you are just making it up day by day. How much contact is too much when both people are not on the same page? How much are you willing to delay your growth before it becomes a priority?

Even if she decides to be with you, you are setting yourself up to be in a worse off spot. Taking this time apart to refocus on you, not her, would be the best thing to do. Not easy or fun short term, but best.

No completely ino I don't refuse to do no contact ill have no contact if it helps in the endi get most of your post but still am a little confuse... in simpler words are you saying I should let it go for this last month of summer and than try talking again during school?? that's what I've been doing... I'm just confused on whether I talk to her as a friendfor this month and hopefully shell miss us as a couple when were just friends and being around me and not being able to do anything will make her realize what she lost or completely shut her off and let her wonder and miss what she had... I'm really trying to find the best option while making myself a challenge again for her

Don't know what to tell you. I think your plan sucks cause it depends on her coming back to you. Nothing I tell you can make that happen. Maybe she will, but there's no guarantee. So I can't tell you do 1, 2, 3 and *bing* there shell be.

If you hang with her now you are her girlfriend. You are going to give her a sense of comfort, that you'll be "there for her" no matter what she chooses. Hmmm... nice for her, not good for you probably.

If you cut her off completely shell be pissed maybe. Or shell see that she needs you. Or shell see that she can be without you. Better for you in reality cause you'll know the truth... but you aren't interested in the truth, you are interested in keeping her. Soooo... no contact, though its probably what you should do, isn't something you are likely to do and anyway you are DOING IT FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

You do no contact to give the other person a chance to evaluate their life without you. That can mean they decide its better off. You are scared of this possibility and you are deciding maybe its better to wallow in the I-can-be-her-friend-for-a-time stage and hope it comes out as more.

You do no contact so YOU can focus on yourself... no obsess about what she's doing, thinking, feeling, etc...

So yeah, my answer is probably hard to get cause you've set it up that way. You want to give her the room she needs but at the same time you want to guarantee shell be back. Good luck with that.

What you SHOULD do is step back, let her figure it out on her own, even if that means its over, and you should focus on yourself. Right now, the relationship, or at least what you had, is more important to you than your own emotional health and stability. Not good.

As it stands, you are likely to fill in with the girlfriend role, easing her through this time while you are still tied to her tighter than ever...

Your posts should be about "how do i focus on myself. getting myself through this tough time"... not "how do i get her back"...

OK I understand so back up and focus on myself and in time if I focus on myself no matter what the outcome itwill be good... it could be with her or without her but it will be good if I work on myself?

Kp is so right as obsession is not a healthy love, and is quite selfish. Back way off this female, and give you both time to heal and move on, and get your feelings in focus. Enjoy what you had, and save the grief and confusion and drama for you both, by ending this once and for all. Let go and move on, and let her be happy(YOU ALSO) on her own so you both can enjoy your youth, and explore yourselves, and other people. You will always have feelings for each other, but they won't be as intense. There is no way any one can tell you how to get an ex back. Forget that, and move on with your life, and stop obsessing over her. In time you both will learn the difference between love, lust, attraction, dependence, and obsession. Its called growing.

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Originally Posted by Gofercakes

ok i understand so back up and focus on myself and in time if i focus on myself no matter what the outcome itwill be good... it could be with her or without her but it will be good if i work on myself??

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Right.

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Originally Posted by Gofercakes

Gofercakes disagrees: im sry i know you all want me to move on but i dont think anyone understands i dont want this to end forever

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Uh. no. I think we understand COMPLETELY. Its called life experience. I've been where you are a couple of times in my life. Its no fun. But after you've been through it a few times I think its easier to understand what is healthy.

We get that you want to be with her.

We do get it.

And we know that your desire for this relationship to last is clouding your ability to step back and take perspective... cause in the end you are still about the relationship. Its easy to spot in your questions and your tone.

So, yes... just because you don't like the answers doesn't mean we don't understand exactly where you are. I think in some ways we know where you are better than you do.

Its just so confusing I get different answers from every where my heart wants to be with her I know that I just can't figure out how that will work I'm going to try to get another girl for the time being... I know there's a few cute ones who I could get right now... I'm getting my license in two days so that should help me get out a lot more and stop thinking about it... I just want things to work in the end... I think I'm going to completely cut her out of my life until I feel that I am stable and than hope and work for the best

She was hurt and lashed out. You got hurt and you lashed out.
If you want to stop hurting and stop lashing do this:

1) send her one message that apologizes for being a big jerk and all the feelings you have for her... and mention something special between you that only she knows about.
2) Go silent. Get on with your life.
3) she will probably contact you... eventually
4) if you are a jerk to her - god help you

Ps - If you are under 18 and having sex, use protection. As always, I recommend putting school first... life comes at you fast... if you have a child early or don't have a good college degree you will always be playing catch up. I wish you the best... and enjoy yourself and don't stress. Believe it or not, she may not be your last girlfriend...

Well we've been crawling back talking to each other off and on I've said special things to her... but I guess I just have to move on until she contacts me so I don't know if at this point the apologizing and saying something special would help as we've both apologized and both said things like ill always love you but thank you any other advice after this would be helpful

Say your mind... then go away.
Stop trying to control her for now...

Silence is golden... even if your hormones are not.

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I'm sorry I know you all want me to move on but I don't think anyone understands I don't want this to end forever

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Is this your first g/f?? And for the record I do understand, we've all been there before. Some of us many times.

I don't mean to be cocky but before this I just hooked up with girls all the time than never took it any further I didn't want relationships and just got with a lot of girls all the time this was the first real relationship I had but far from my first girl

Do yourself and your g/f a favor. Leave each other alone for a while so you both can sort through your feelings.

Thanks a lot for your help guys I just got back from hangin out with two girls one of whom is single I feel a lot better I love that girl to death but I got to have fun while were not to gether because that's the only way s going to work I did that for a while and things seemed better... if any one else still wants to give answers id appreciate them though ty