Can you really tell how a man will treat you by the way he treats his mother? I've already posted on this site about how my boyfriend is cheap with me, but I have other concerns as well. Whenever we go up to Vermont to visit his parents, he gets very impatient with his mother and is often just downright rude to her. As far as I can see, it is unprovoked. She doesn't do anything that should warrant that kind of reaction from him. For instance, I cooked dinner for him and his parents, and he finished before everybody and was playing with his dog, and his mother asked him to do the dishes, and he snapped at her and said "no, you do them, i'm on vacation" in a rude tone of voice. It wasn't just that one incident, we were up there for a week, and he was just rude and impatient with her 80% of the time. He has never eve been like this with me. When he's at my place, he'll sometimes do the dishes without being asked. I've asked him why he's so short tempered with his mother, and he says that she just knows how to push his buttons, and its hard for him because he's an only child and she smothers him. Although he has never been short tempered with me, is this something I should be worried about?

I would be worried about it for two reasons. Any man who is disrespectful to woman was probably brought up with a father who treated his wife like garbage or at least degraded her in front of the kids. This is what he was taught about how you treat women and I would wonder if it wouldn't pop up once you move in with him.

My other concern has to do with his job. Having worked with Wall St guys for a long time I would never, ever date one. I am a very intelligent woman, I have a very high IQ, went to a good college, have a Masters degree yet the entire time I worked in finance all the men treated me as if I was some sort of idiot bimbo. It wasn't until I slammed my feet down and stood up for myself that it stopped.

He may just be used to treating women like that. You are raising some pretty serious red flags here about this guy. I would definitely not move in with him until you feel more sure.

I know what you're saying about the red flag, but I find it strange that in over a year of dating, he has not once showed that side with me. I've been to company outings with him, and he seems very respectful to his female co workers. He's very friendly with them, and they seem to like him very much. I've met his dad on a number of occasions, and he just doesn't come across as the type of guy to have treated his wife like that in front of their child. My boyfriend did tell me that he and his mother use to see a counselor together to work out issues they had about her putting too much pressure on him to succeed in everything he did. Maybe he just still holds this resentment toward her? Is this just wishful thinking?

Well that could be it too. I think your best bet is to talk to him about the money stuff and see if he budges with that. I think he will show a lot of himself with that conversation.

Not always, I personally have a very very strained relationship with my mother, I am always proper, but very less than what most would expect.
So my relationship with my wife is nothing like that with my mom.

It is a maybe, a could be. One "red flag" but that does not mean it will happen, but it could happen

ANY human who does not respect the person who is responsible for bringing them into this earth and raising them, does not deserve respect!

Unless you mother is a crack doer and a junkee her self, she is your mother!

Leave him my dear! He will turn to you once she is gone and you know she will be gone sooner then you!

I would sure be alert for signs of his hidden self, as after marriage is a little late to be finding out that he is a jerk. Its only been a year so stay alert. No doubt he is showing you his good side, but not to defend him you never know what kind of relationship a man has with his mother. Don't be in hurry to hang your hat on his star with out more observations.

So you boyfriend is cheap and disrespectful to his mum...
I really think he is selfish and hard to deal with any more.
It's tough, I am sorry, but I honestly can't stand on this guy any more.

P.S. it is not if he is going to do this to you, but the way he treats his mum is clear enough he needs more growth.!

Ugh... You're probably both right. Its just so depressing!

So what are the good things about your boyfriend then?

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Originally Posted by nicespringgirl

So what are the good things about ur bf then?

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From what I've read, she is

It certainly is something you should be worried about. It's only a matter of time before you start getting the same treatment.

Yes- my husbαnd did thαt αnd he treαted thαt wαy-- but well it took α loooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggg time for him to chαnge-- but boy does he every SLIP! run girl RUNNN!

Look at it this way - the worst part of this is that you spent a year with someone who wasn't right for you. The better thing is that you're not married and you can walk away and find someone better. Remember just because he think you so great doesn't mean you have to reciprocate those feelings. I do not believe this is the right guy for you. You got a good head on your shoulders and the more you highlight the worse this whole thing seems. You've only known him for a year, sure that's a long time but people can hide who they are for a long time. My brother was with his ex-wife for 7 years and it took that long for her true colors to come out. You never know. I think its best to go your separate ways.

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Originally Posted by mnolan7715

Ugh...You're probably both right. Its just so depressing!

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Better be depressed now and exit and get over it soon, before you get bounded by marriage and then feel evn worse!

Oh no. I just responded to the money issue you posted about and I clicked on your name to see what the progress has been in that issue and I came across the situation you wrote about concerning the way your boyfriend treats his mother.
These two issues are huge deal breakers in my view. I understand your concern that he may eventually treat you this way too. Since this is impossible to know now, I think a more relevant issue is the fact that he doesn't treat his mother well. Regardless of how he may or may not treat you in the future, the fact that he treats his mother so poorly is unacceptable.
He's using the fact that he was an only child as an excuse for treating his mother badly? Was he beaten growing up? Did his parents verbally and emotionally abuse him throughout his childhood? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like his excuse was that he was "smothered". That's crazy person talk for, "My parents treated me too well and I'm a spoiled jerk."
After reading that and the issue about the money, I strongly urge you to take a step back and look at the situation you're in right now. There are many good guys out there. There's no reason to compromise for someone who lacks the fundamental good qualities of valuing his family and being fair (if not generous) with his money.
Good luck!

Yes.
Unless the sex is aces, then he'll bite his tongue for a while...

Hey there mnolan. How did things work out with your boyfriend? I remember responding to you a while back after reading that you guys were having some money issues and that you were concerned over how your boyfriend was speaking to his mother. Hope it all worked out. Let us know when you get a chance!
Heather

Just a point, there could be unresolved dispute between the boyfriend & mother which you don't know about.

This thread is from 2007.
Please check dates before posting.
Thanks!