Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriend was abused

My new boyfriend was abused by his father growing up. We have only been together as a couple a short time, but have know each other since we were children. We have always have been close friends-went to school together, partied together, and such. Anyway sometimes when he drinks he get upset about his father and start telling me things I know he regrets telling me as soon as he says them... personal things about his past( getting hit fights and such. But its getting worse and he won't let me tell him I love him or hold him to calm him down. He says he hates it when I say I love him when me myself have been drinking because I don't mean it because his dad woke him up drunk all the time growing up and said he loved him and that was the only time he ever heard nice things from his father. My boyfriend needs a lot of attention and affection from me to make him feel wanted by me even when we are drinking. But some things will set of a spark in his mind and he goes off about his father. I always knew he was abused until he was still even in high school, but I didn't know how badly it effects him and causes him pain. You would never know by looking at him. He's a clean cut boy, good looking, extremely scary smart, and loves hanging with the guys---the all american, I have an feeling he didn't share these thoughts with his other ex's. Why me? And what should I do? I love him and hate to see him hurting should I try to help or just keep my mouth shut and do as he asks regarding holding him and telling him nice things when we are both been drinking.

Unfortunately victims of childhood abuse always bear emotional scars that affect their relationships in adulthood. Your boyfriend really should consider some professional counseling. You might want to try and gently nudge him in that direction. But don't expect instant miracles. RIght now, your boyfriend has a lot of emotional baggage and isn't really in a position to carry on a successful with anyone. That's why it's so important that he get counseling. By treating his own emotional scars first, he'll be much better equipped to have a successful adult relationship.

This is a cycle you may not be ready for... you might find yourself addicted to helping him and you may find that it repeats over and over...

BE CAREFUL. A PROFESSIONAL psychiatrist is needed here.

It will make you feel more and more in love to share his pain, but it will also make you more and more confused. I am glad he opened up to you - but this may take a while... I wish you all well.

**but please do not confuse pain for love... it's not healthy.

The bottom line is that you cannot help him. The more he comes to love you the guiltier he will feel for what he is putting you through and this will only add to his pain. He has to be the one to seek the help he needs, and he has to want to be helped. He has to go through a healing process and that can be really tough.

I think you can help IF you can handle it. Its good that he is talking about his problems. That is a big hurdle that he has already jumped. Lots of people leave things bottled up and this causes them to run their lives on impulse. This may lead to him not treating you right.

He needs therapy, you cannot allow yourself to become wrapped up in his life you have your own. You may also want to get some therapy in dealing with this. He sounds like a good guy but you cannot get content and let things slide over time they will catch up to both of you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mora1234

My new boyfriend was abused by his father growing up. We have only been together as a couple a short time, but have know each other since we were children. We have always have been close friends-went to school together, partied together, and such. Anyways sometimes when he drinks he get upset about his father and start telling me things i know he regrets telling me as soon as he says them... personal things about his past( getting hit fights and such. But its getting worse and he won't let me tell him i love him or hold him to calm him down. He says he hates it when i say i love him when me myself have been drinking because i don't mean it because his dad woke him up drunk all the time growing up and said he loved him and that was the only time he ever heard nice things from his father. My boyfriend needs a lot of attention and affection from me to make him feel wanted by me even when we are drinking. But some things will set of a spark in his mind and he goes off about his father. I always knew he was abused until he was still even in high school, but i didn't know how badly it effects him and causes him pain. You would never know by looking at him. He's a clean cut boy, good looking, extremely scary smart, and loves hanging with the guys---the all american, i have an feeling he didn't share these thoughts with his other ex's. Why me? And what should i do? i love him and hate to see him hurting should i try to help or just keep my mouth shut and do as he asks regarding holding him and telling him nice things when we are both been drinking.?

Still looking for a little more feek back---thank you for the great advice so far:)

I understand your boyfriends emotions because as a young boy I had a similar event occure in my life by my neighbor hood babysitter/family friend who was a male . For myself once the issue was discovered I was put into counseling so as a young boy I had to deal with this issue but in reality I didn't want and it took many many years for anyone to get anyone to get any info out of me .which was do to the fact that in my head I as a 6 yr old boy delt with the neighbor hood kids putting me down and laughing at me for something I was not to blame for .so then I ended upbasically hidingall of my emotions and feelings ost of my life and it bottled up until I exploded and had no choice but to deal and except the fact that I was a child and it was not my fault that this happened to me .I alsocan understand that when your man drinks te feelings come up and of course you want to be there for I'm as much as possible , but from experience you can only be there for him so much on this subject . This reason being that you have other obligations in your relationship and if you try to be there for all of this emotional baggage it could have seriouus effects on your future as a couple (I know this because I've tried to dump my baggage on girlfriends and it never turnsout positive )he needs to know that you are there for him but by letting the baggage out to a complete srtanger(counselor) in the long run he will loose more of this weight on his shoulders . Thus in the long run your relationsip will beable to grow without you trying to be the counselor .this is a subject that tears your heart and soul apart and confuses a person and I have found that the best way to recovery is to express my feelings about my experience with total strangers /therapists because where else can you dump all these emotions and after 1 hour of doing so get up and leave and noe one you know has to take all the emotions/hatred .then he can come home to you and your there comforting him in another manner , it's a double wammy for him. I hope your man gets all the help he needs it's a long journey to recoveryi will be recovering myself my whole life ,by learning to cope in every day life and try to have tose relationships I want to have . Hopefully this helps, I know it helped me a bit anymore questions I would love to talk maybe it will help both of us