Ask Me Help Desk - How important is sex to a relationship?

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. We live together, and things between us are wonderful. We make each other laugh, constantly, and enjoy a lot of the same things. We are very open when things are bothering us, and communicate beautifully. There is a perfect balance of give and take in every aspect of our relationship; except for sex. We had a very serious conversation about our sex life a couple of months ago, and came to the conclusion that we were both a bit lazy in the sex department. He works 60 hour work weeks, and his job is very stressful. I attend college in the mornings, and during the evenings, and in between, keep up our home. We've both been making an honest effort at our sex. The thing is... he doesn't like doing things that I love about sex, and he does them, but there is a big difference between doing something because you love doing it, or doing something begrudgingly because you feel like you have to. So I spoke to him the other day about it, and was so disappointed to hear him say that he does not like doing the things that turn me on the most! A part of me wishes that he would have told me this earlier on in the relationship, but I don't think it would have mattered, because I love him more than any man I have ever been in a relationship with.
I have a good friend who is in a 5 year relationship, and she can't even get her boyfriend to buy her a coffee, but she has always said that the sex is amazing. I have a boyfriend who would give me anything he could, without even having to ask, but the sex is not good! My friend spends a lot of her time complaining about her boyfriends selfishness, and his inability to share his life with her, even after 5 years. So which is better? Good sex, bad relationship? Or Bad sex, good relationship?

Does anyone have a similar problem? Can you make a man learn how to like something that he doesn't like?
Please Help!:mad:

Sex, as all areas of a relationship are worked out between partners. Compromise should give something to both, and it doesn't matter who loves what, as long as they meet in the middle, and each gets a little of what they want, and gives the other the same consideration. When one or the other is unwilling to concede, or at least consider is when the problem starts. Keep talking and listening, and see what makes him happy and if he is willing to work with you so you both can be happy.

Sex is just like anything else in a relaionship you have to compromise and talking about your sex life is a great ability in a relationship so just keep working at it things will work out it just take a bit of a give and take situation.

I don't understand why you can't have a good relationship and good sex... There's got to be an even ground you no!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Sex, as all areas of a relationship are worked out between partners. Compromise should give something to both, and it doesn't matter who loves what, as long as they meet in the middle, and each gets a little of what they want, and gives the other the same consideration. When one or the other is unwilling to concede, or at least consider is when the problem starts. Keep talking and listening, and see what makes him happy and if he is willing to work with you so you both can be happy.

Thank you for the advice, but the real problem is that I know he doesn't like doing these things... so he is willing to do them, and has, but I can tell that he isn't into it... which makes them worthless to me, because he isn't enjoying himself... does that make any sense?

The answer to your question becomes a matter of personal preference. Can you maybe try to find a middle ground? Ultimately you'll have to make your own decision. Would you rather have a relationship like your friend whose boyfriend won't even buy her a cup of coffee? Or would you rather have what you have? Keep in mind that sex is only one part of a relationship ; it isn't the do-all, end-all. After all, anyone can have sex with anyone else. Having an honest, heart-felt loving relationship takes a lot more than just sex. Try to find some "activities" that are mutually arousing to you both. Also, if he's willing to do the things that you say arouse you, even if he doesn't like them, so what? The fact that he's willing to do them for you is what's most important, not whether he likes them or not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jes 5514

Thank you for the advice, but the real problem is that I know he doesn't like doing these things... so he is willing to do them, and has, but i can tell that he isn't into it...which makes them worthless to me, because he isn't enjoying himself... does that make any sense?

No, not really. He's dong them for your enjoyment, not his. I'm sure there are things you can do for him in turn. Like everyone says, it's all about give-and-take.

happiness is completely subjective.

one couple may like no sex and be happy as clams.
another may like sex 3x a day and be happy as clams.

it's when people are not on the same page that it becomes a question - and a common one - what can we compromise on to make us both happy....

So, be direct and say what you would like to share with him and when the day comes that it outweighs your other happiness, you move on...

NEVER feel guilty about wanting more in a relationship, but do feel guilty about not communicating this before it ends. And not trying to compromise. You are TWO people. So, it's normal to have to find one common ground... But keep trying with him or whomever comes next and you'll get it.

Hope you all find good times. Lots of coffee. And a little more S-E-X... (if you're over 16)

Quote:

Originally Posted by s_cianci

The answer to your question becomes a matter of personal preference. Can you maybe try to find a middle ground? Ultimately you'll have to make your own decision. Would you rather have a relationship like your friend whose boyfriend won't even buy her a cup of coffee? Or would you rather have what you have? Keep in mind that sex is only one part of a relationship ; it isn't the do-all, end-all. After all, anyone can have sex with anyone else. Having an honest, heart-felt loving relationship takes a lot more than just sex. Try to find some "activities" that are mutually arousing to you both. Also, if he's willing to do the things that you say arouse you, even if he doesn't like them, so what? The fact that he's willing to do them for you is what's most important, not whether he likes them or not.

Thank you for the advice. I guess it really is the fact that at least he's willing to try. :)

Hello.

If you have a need that's not being filled you need to fill it. If he can't do it for you then do it yourself. Im sure you can work out a way to do what you both enjoy doing and then add what you need to make the experience complete for you. Maybe use a toy to manually stimulate areas and just maybe he will enjoy helping with the toy. There is always a way to fulfill your needs if the rest of your needs are being met in life.

If he wasn't able to lets say bring home the amount of money needed to pay the bills you would work to help out RIGHT... If he couldn't walk you would help push him places he couldn't get on his own RIGHT... Do I need to keep going...

Good Luck
Dennis777

In simple words a bad relationship can be mended only temporarily with good sex, but a good relationship will always remain a good one if both of you understand each others problems and learn to compromise with it!
You rightly understand how your friend feels even though she is having greats sex.. I don't know how old you are! But trust me in a few years sex will be the gone but if you have by then developed a reltionship that goes beyond sex, it will see you through for the rest of your life!
Cheers and good luck!

He tries and you should accept that he does things he may not like for YOUR enjoyment. I really think you should appreciate it, and let him know you do.