My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now, and the issue of money in our relationship has not really improved. Ever since the first date, we have split everything 50/50 (we met for a few drinks on our first date, and yes, I bought him as many as he bought me). Although we don't split the cost of every little drink or every dinner, it evens out as he'll pay for one evening out, and I'll pay for the next. I wouldn't have a problem splitting the cost if we made the same amount of money, but we don't! Not even close! I'm a school teacher who paid my way through college and graduate school (and is now struggling to pay back the loans) while he works for a major financial firm in Manhattan and makes good money (and has not a single loan nor credit card). He just got a mid-year bonus in addition to his end of the year bonus! Still, he expects everything to be 50/50. We are moving in together soon, and I'm afriad this might not be the best thing for our relationship. The apartment we found costs 1550/month on Long Island. That's exactly what he pays for his studio in Manhattan now. The apartment I live in now costs me 800/month. He wants to split the rent 50/50, but that would mean that he's saving $775/month by moving in together, and I'd be saving $25/month by moving in together. In the end, he'd be saving so much, and I'd still be struggling to make ends meet. He's also not planning on getting a car once he leaves the city, so I'd have the only car which of course he would use yet not pay a dime for! Owning a car costs me almost 600/month! Don't you think that's unfair? He's fully aware of my financial situation, but he doesn't seem to care. As a teacher, my summer paychecks are given to me in one lump sum on the last day school. Due to unforseen costs such as a broker fee, security deposit, and first months rent on our new place ( we weren't planning on moving in together so soon, but the perfect apartment became available) not to mention all the gas and toll money I've spent driving him around and back to the city on Sundays (He's given me $40 total towards this all year - those of you who are drivers know that's nothing!) I've had to resort to getting a credit card just to make it through the summer, yet he'll let me rack of the credit card billswhile he socks away his money! Its really sad. I work really hard, yet I have nothing to show for it. Anyway, I don't want to make him sound like a terrible boyfriend because he's actually the most loving, affectionate person I've ever met. He's just weird about money. Self - centered almost! I think this stems from him being an only child and being spoiled growing up! So, Is my boyfriend cheap, or am I just crazy! Please help!:confused:

I've worked in finance and I can tell you most of these guys do this. Sometimes they change but sometimes they don't he sounds like the unchanging type.

BUT you need to talk to him NOW. There is no need for you to go into debt because he wants to split 50/50. I'd tell him I have no problem paying my share but I don't think its fair to go 50/50 our costs should be based on what we can afford.

I have to say that if he is firm and won't budge on how things are paid you need to look at this and say do I want to do this for the next 50 years? While the rest of your relationship is great you have problems with finances in your relationship and you aren't even marred. The number one reason people get divorced is over money. You are looking at a long hard road here. So you get married and he wants to buy a house and for the down payment you need $50,000 well where is your half? Do you see where this is going? You need to figure out if this relationship is worth you sinking deeper and deeper into debt.

No, they are not all like that. I worked with lots who were very generous to their girlfriends and wives. It all depends on the guy. Some of them have this attitude that it's their money and they don't have to give their girlfriend anything or they don't want some chick using them for their money.

But he can afford to let it go. He is the worst type of Wall Street guy really imbodies that Wall Street D*ck image, if you know what I mean.

Also remember that he doesn't think this is a problem because money is NOT a problem for him. To you it is an issue, I used to live in Westchester in NY and I KNOW how much teachers in that neck of the woods make and I've worked with finance guys and I know how much they make. You have to make this an issue if you think the relationship is worth salvaging. Because right now all he is thinking is "well I can afford it why can't she?" even though he knows how much you make.

Hello.

He isn't cheap and your not Crazy, you both have a different way of looking at life that needs to be worked out before you move in together or it will split you up.

Something to think about... To me moving in together means you Love each other as much as you would if you where to get married, if not then you don't need to be moving in together. When you get together (married / living together) what you have is his and what he has is yours. If its not that way then your not ready to move in together.

Dennis777

He IS cheap. Unless you love him to death, think twice. Money issue is 2nd most reason for divorce.

There are two types of "cheap"people.
One type: cheap to themselves and others
The other: cheap to others but not to himself.
Is he the second type?
Seem to me, he is.
We call it "selfish".
I don't think you should just leave him by this, but do talk this out with him. I know you already, but you know why women talks twice than men in words. WE HAVE TO REPEAT!:D

HI... You are not crazy but your boyfriend is stingy & cheap... I think you should not move to live with him as he is taking advantage of you... actually I do not think continuing such a relationship is in your favour especially after you had said that he knows your financial situation, it means that he is SELFISH thinks/cares for himself only... and I think the main core of any relationship is sharing everything, supporting each other, wich is not there in your relationship.

Good Luck.

Ms. Red Rose

Thank you all so much for responding! I think I should have added in my original posting that I talked to him about the rent issue and convinced him split the rent so that he'd be paying 900/month and I'd pay 650/month. I thought that was a little more fair although I couldn't understand why he couldn't see that it was unfair in the first place. I think Denis777 is right when he says that maybe he's not cheap, maybe we just have a different way of looking at things. He tells me all of the time that I'm "the one," and that we're going to get married, and in every other aspect of our relationship he's so kind. He's just not the type of guy that wants to take care of a girl financially. I remember when we first started dating he kept saying to me "I like you so much because you're so much different than all of these Manhattan girls who just expect to be taken out on expensive dates all of the time." It was true. I didn't expect to be taken out on expensive dates all of the time because we were just getting to know each other, and I think that dating can get very expensive for men. When we started dating more seriously however, I thought this would change, and he'd want to do nice things for the girl he loved. For our one year anniversary, he didn't get me anything. It was strange too because a few days before I told him that I couldn't wait for him to see what I got him for our anniversary, and his response was that he couldn't wait to see it either. He should have at least warned me that he didn't get me anything. Not even a card! He never gets me cards because apparently there are no card stores in Manhattan (?? ). Its all very strange. Does anybody think he'll change once he makes more money?

Hello.

To be honest, I don't think he is going to change. If he didn't do anything special for your first year anniversary then he is only thinking of himself and not your feelings. With this my thoughts have changed a little and his way of thinking is more on the line of selfish then being thrifty with his money.

Please give this a lot of thought before you move in together. It could be that he is wanting a live in maid more then a wife. Any time people want to move in together and not share everything together I find that it only leads to problems down the road.

Dennis777

Denniss777 is absolutely right. He will not change and he is already making TONS of money. In fact it may only get worse the more money he makes. He probably sees you are the one because you are not chasing his wallet.

But as I said before if you marry him be prepared to live a lifetime of splitting the cost of everything. He clearly cannot even spend a dime on you. That is out and out selfish. I've dated guys who have made less then me and they would insist on paying and would still get me small gifts on birthdays or holidays.

I would put the brakes on moving in together for right now and really spend some time talking to him about money. Because like all of us have said money is the number one thing to end a marriage.

I think you're both right. About everything, including moving in together. I got an affirmation of that today. The other day he texted me from work that he was planning a trip with some friends to go to Saratoga next weekend for the horse races and wanted to know if I wanted to go. When I texted him back that I couldn't because I had no money, he didn't respond. I then got a text today that said, "looks like we're all going to Saratoga on the 17th, are you sure you can't come?" I mean, its not that I can't go, it's that I don't have enough money to go which he obviously knows. It just felt like he was rubbing it in my face so I got mad and sent him an angry text back telling him that I could go if I hadn't spent so much money paying half of everything we do. After the text, he offered to pay. Of course, now I don't want to go. I don't think I should have to get upset to get him to offer to pay. He should have just offered in the first place!

Yeah I think you have a few ways to go here. The first is to not say anything and to just be mad, which will get you nowhere and will be really unhealthy or sit him down and say I love you but what the heck is your problem with money? Tell him flat out I make X dollars a year which breaks down to X dollars a month. I don't make the kind of money you do I don't mind treating but paying for half of everything is driving me into debt and I cannot move in with you if this is the way its going to be.

Don't be mad or don't be whiny just very matter of fact with him. I kind of have the feeling that he has no clue that this is a big deal to you. Most guys are pretty clueless (sorry guys but you are :) ) I'd be interested to see what would happen AFTER that talk. I think that would give you a much better sense of where this is at.

Some people are, as you say, weird about money. As a teacher myself I can sympathize with your plight. Plus you live in a very expensive area to boot. I think you need to tell your boyfriend flat-out that you can't afford to keep up with him on his terms. If he wants to keep you around I have a feeling that he'll turn over a new leaf. And if he doesn't, then you know what to do from there.

HI I think Dennis777 is right... PLEASE THINK TWICE before moving & living with him... When we love someone so much we are blind and can not c him properly , if he was not cheap and it was obvious you would not have notice it or doubt it... Dennis 777 had said everything I wanted to say... like if he did not get you a present in such occasion when do u think he should?? HE IS VVVV STINGY... he likes you because you do not cost him a penny... Am sorry, but you have to wake up before it's too late.

Good luck ,

Ms. Redrose

Hello all... I just thought I'd give you an update. Last week, we got into an argument over money (basically that I was now in credit card debt, and he was rolling in his mid year bonus and still making me pay for things). He felt so badly about everything he sent me a dozen red roses to my apt, and said I would never hafta pay again. Well... this past weekend, he "ran out of cash" so I paid for lunch one day, but he's paid for everything else. I wonder if he'll keep it up. Thank you all of your opinions and help!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mnolan7715

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now, and the issue of money in our relationship has not really improved. Ever since the first date, we have split everything 50/50 (we met for a few drinks on our first date, and yes, I bought him as many as he bought me). Although we don't split the cost of every little drink or every dinner, it evens out as he'll pay for one evening out, and I'll pay for the next. I wouldn't have a problem splitting the cost if we made the same amount of money, but we don't! Not even close! I'm a school teacher who paid my way through college and graduate school (and is now stuggling to pay back the loans) while he works for a major financial firm in Manhattan and makes good money (and has not a single loan nor credit card). He just got a mid-year bonus in addition to his end of the year bonus! Still, he expects everything to be 50/50. We are moving in together soon, and I'm afriad this might not be the best thing for our relationship. The apartment we found costs 1550/month on Long Island. That's exactly what he pays for his studio in Manhattan now. The apartment I live in now costs me 800/month. He wants to split the rent 50/50, but that would mean that he's saving $775/month by moving in together, and I'd be saving $25/month by moving in together. In the end, he'd be saving so much, and I'd still be struggling to make ends meet. He's also not planning on getting a car once he leaves the city, so I'd have the only car which of course he would use yet not pay a dime for! Owning a car costs me almost 600/month! Don't you think that's unfair? He's fully aware of my financial situation, but he doesn't seem to care. As a teacher, my summer paychecks are given to me in one lump sum on the last day school. Due to unforseen costs such as a broker fee, security deposit, and first months rent on our new place ( we weren't planning on moving in together so soon, but the perfect apartment became available) not to mention all the gas and toll money I've spent driving him around and back to the city on Sundays (He's given me $40 total towards this all year - those of you who are drivers know that's nothing!) I've had to resort to getting a credit card just to make it through the summer, yet he'll let me rack of the credit card billswhile he socks away his money! Its really sad. I work really hard, yet I have nothing to show for it. Anyway, I don't want to make him sound like a terrible boyfriend because he's actually the most loving, affectionate person I've ever met. He's just weird about money. Self - centered almost! I think this stems from him being an only child and being spoiled growing up! So, Is my boyfriend cheap, or am I just crazy! Please help!:confused:

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I hate to sound harsh, but it sounds like there's something very wrong with your boyfriend. You've been dating for just over a year which should be the happiest time of your life. Encountering money issues so early on is a major red flag. It would be one thing if he had financial challenges, but he's simply being stingy. The fact that he doesn't want to pick up the tab the majority of the time shows that he's more worried about his own future and not the both of yours. Guys should pay most of the time if they're ina position to do so. This may sound old fashioned but it's the truth. It's nice if the girl reciprocates once in a while to show her appreciation, but you should not be paying for half the dates. Clearly, he's aware of your financial situation but he does not care. This is a serious issue to consider, as it speaks volumes of the level of importance that he places on your future / long term financial well being. I would seriously reconsider moving in with someone like this, because I think this issue could be a signal of a much more serious problem, which is the fact that your boyfriend does not understand the value of looking out for you and your situation. Good luck and again I'm sorry if my comments sound too harsh.

Hey sweetie,
I've been through something similar to this, and I would say that your too good for him. In a relationship/marriage, the partners should support each other, and take care of each other... and if one is in a better position, he/she should help the other reach that position himself/ herself. What your boyfriend has in mind is not a relationship or a marriage... it is a business negotiation. He is better off than you financially, and is perfectly happy to keep things that way, rather than help you out. Does this mean that if he is ever in the dumps financially, that he does not expect a helping hand? I'll bet he does, but he does not think to offer you the same courtesy in your case. It's downright selfishness. I'll bet he was thrilled to find out you weren't like the other girls he'd met who expected to be taken out on expensive dates. As soon as he figured this out, he probably thought he could get away with not spending a single CENT on you, which is definitely the case. He has yet to find out that there is a middle ground between "gold-digger" and "business partner." It's great that you're not a high-maintenance girl, but he regards the relationship as a business, and you as a business partner. And I know how you feel. You keep expecting him to change, thinking that maybe in a year he'd be different, and he's got so many other positive things about him, and whispers all the right things in your ear. In my case at least, I could no longer stay in a relationship with someone who SAID all the right things, but at the end of the day, his ACTIONS really showed me that I was not a top priority. I hope this helped, hun... and maybe you should be with someone who's a bit more generous, as you seem to be a great gal. Who knows how your current boyfriend will treat you if you were ever laid off? It's a scary thought, and I don't want you to get hurt!
Take care

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mnolan7715

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now, and the issue of money in our relationship has not really improved. Ever since the first date, we have split everything 50/50 (we met for a few drinks on our first date, and yes, I bought him as many as he bought me). Although we don't split the cost of every little drink or every dinner, it evens out as he'll pay for one evening out, and I'll pay for the next. I wouldn't have a problem splitting the cost if we made the same amount of money, but we don't! Not even close! I'm a school teacher who paid my way through college and graduate school (and is now stuggling to pay back the loans) while he works for a major financial firm in Manhattan and makes good money (and has not a single loan nor credit card). He just got a mid-year bonus in addition to his end of the year bonus! Still, he expects everything to be 50/50. We are moving in together soon, and I'm afriad this might not be the best thing for our relationship. The apartment we found costs 1550/month on Long Island. That's exactly what he pays for his studio in Manhattan now. The apartment I live in now costs me 800/month. He wants to split the rent 50/50, but that would mean that he's saving $775/month by moving in together, and I'd be saving $25/month by moving in together. In the end, he'd be saving so much, and I'd still be struggling to make ends meet. He's also not planning on getting a car once he leaves the city, so I'd have the only car which of course he would use yet not pay a dime for! Owning a car costs me almost 600/month! Don't you think that's unfair? He's fully aware of my financial situation, but he doesn't seem to care. As a teacher, my summer paychecks are given to me in one lump sum on the last day school. Due to unforseen costs such as a broker fee, security deposit, and first months rent on our new place ( we weren't planning on moving in together so soon, but the perfect apartment became available) not to mention all the gas and toll money I've spent driving him around and back to the city on Sundays (He's given me $40 total towards this all year - those of you who are drivers know that's nothing!) I've had to resort to getting a credit card just to make it through the summer, yet he'll let me rack of the credit card billswhile he socks away his money! Its really sad. I work really hard, yet I have nothing to show for it. Anyway, I don't want to make him sound like a terrible boyfriend because he's actually the most loving, affectionate person I've ever met. He's just weird about money. Self - centered almost! I think this stems from him being an only child and being spoiled growing up! So, Is my boyfriend cheap, or am I just crazy! Please help!:confused:

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I have just one thing to say on this subject. Communication! If you guys are taking it as far as moving together, communication should have been already on the most important list in your relationship. You should be able to talk to him and express your concerns. Don't stay quiet because in the long run, you will end up with regrets. Put your foot down now but in a nice way. Tell him straight out, you make less money then him. You have bigger bills than him. Can you guys compromise on the whole bill deal. He has to be fair with you. He needs to put up a little more than that 50. The way your circumstances are he should be giving at least 70% percent. You also have the car and all the payments. He doesn't have a car. No way! Not fair! Is your life we talking about, you have worked hard to achieve what you have so far. To have someone come to your life and live that comfortable. No! Talk to him now before is too late. If I give you a ride today and tomorrow. I'm not comfortable about it, but I continue to give you that ride. Everyday the same situation, next thing you see the person is going to want to drive. Please! I gave you a ride and now you want to drive. I know that he is probably not doing this on purpose, but he has been comfortable with a lifestyle and doesn't want to give up. Times change and sometimes if you want to have real love, it requires compromise. Good luck!

Be careful on this one. That is "odd" he doesn't recognize the difference in income between the both of you. What you can do is say, I can't afford that type of rent. Maybe we can find a place for this much because I can only afford to pay X amount a month for rent.

You will have to do this for the rest of your life with him. Not getting anything for your one year anniversary is disappointing. It's not like your asking for an expensive gift. But something that show's your one year anniversary is important.

There are lots of men out there that are much more generous, sympathetic and kind. Think carefully before you want to move in with this guy. Do you want a husband that wants to make sure EVERYTHING is split 50/50? That's not how a marriage works or will last.

Posted Aug 2007