I broke up with my ex a year ago. I still have doubts about doing so because I haven't been interested in anyone since him. He has a new girlfriend and did 3 weeks after the breakup. They are still together.

Now here's the problem. I was doing fine for a while. Then I ran into his friend who just broke up with his girlfriend. I am not interested in his friend in a romantic way. We did kiss each other the other night. For me it was out of complete loneliness. Now he's acting like he likes me so much. I told him today that I really just want to be friends only. He said we'll see how long that lasts.

I found out a lot about the ex through talking to him. As much as I don't want to know, it's tempting to here what's going on with him. It's like putting candy in front of a baby. It's so hard to resist. He told me that he moved from where we lived. He lives ten minutes down the road from me. He's still seeing that girl. Then we went for a ride yesterday and I saw the ex standing in her parents driveway. I would have avoided that road but I didn't want to make a big deal about going down that road because I don't want his friend to know how much it still kills me.

Should I stop hanging out with his friend? I don't have a lot of other friends and he's somebody to do things with, but he's getting the wrong idea even though I told him straight up. It makes me sick on the other hand that he sees that ex and knows what's going on with his at all times.

I'd stop seeing the friend. You aren't really interested in him and constantly hearing about your ex and what he's up to is just hurting you and keeping you from moving on. I think that your friendship with the ex is doing more harm than good.

Seeking company because you are lonely isn't a crime, though you need to be sure the actions you take are reasonable for who you are, what you want, etc.

But I don't see a lot healthy in being around or with his friend. Its HIS friend. Ties you to HIM. Yknow, the EX. That's a step backward.

So you haven't had interest in anybody for a year. It happens. I barely dated anyone for almost 2 years after a breakup cause first I wasn't done getting over the emotional trainwreck and second, there just wasn't anyone that interesting to me. The one person I saw ended up being a rebound relationship that made me feel even worse. Nothing like a guilt chaser to follow a little misery.

So... should you see the guy?

Well, how about "why do you want to"?

Keeping "tabs" on your ex isn't going to help you be happy. You are not over him. You are using the friend, who CLEARLY likes you too much, to get info about the ex.

In the end, you can do what you want, but if you are asking should you do this in the context of "is it good for me"... well, no. it isn't. Not as long as the friend is just another way to keep you tethered to the ex.

Chances are in the end this relationship would end up with you still not over the ex, the friend mad cause you "used him" (even though I think itd be just as much his fault for not listening to you when you said you didn't want it to be serious) and/or you mad at yourself for getting involved with a guy when the vibe isn't right or going farther than you'd like...

So... I might be missing something... why don't you sell me on why you SHOULD see this guy...

I haven't asked any questions about the ex. He brings it up in converstion as if we never dated. I told him I'd rather not here about it and he says OK. Then I will say something els. He says that he forgot. Why do I want to hang out with him? Honestly it's probably because he's always available at night to hang out. Most of my friends are married and don't go out much. It's partly companionship. But when he starts acting like he likes me I am totally turned off. I really like his exgirlfriend too. I don't want her to think I'm shady. Maybe he's using me to piss her off because she cheated on him, I don't know. Maybe I'm doing the same thing. It's stupid. He reminds me of his because of the lingo they use. Thanks for the answer I should probably step away, but what do I say so he doesn't hate me?

I know you said you don't want to hear anything about the ex, but you said it was tempting, which is absolutely normal... AND you said you have doubts about the breakup, and you said this guy just seems to babble the info... so you know you are going to hear noise about your ex, and that's not what you need.

Yeah, I understand about the married friends not being available. I was where you are, not married when friends were getting married. Now I'm married and "tied" up more to my life in marriage. Its also normal. But less fun for you, who's missing friends whose time is stretched thinner than before.

This guy likes you too much. You know this. Or he likes the prospect of getting with you. I don't know. You just got to tell him you kissed him because you really wanted a kiss... but that's that. You told him before you didn't want more and he's not listening. I'm guessing he will act pi$$ed and maybe he'll be angry.

Hate you? For what? What do you owe him other than the truth? If he hates you cause you can't be as involved emotionally or physically as he wants... well, just shows how much better off you are not around him.

He's allowed to be frustrated a little, maybe. But hate is an ugly word, and if that's where it ends up, you're better off without the noise.

What about the ex girlfriend. You said you like her. Granted, I know the companionship is different, but could you grab a beer with her some night or something? Don't quite know the relationship with her, if that's something you could do or whether you just liked her well enough that you just don't want to tick her off...

The real question isn't about the guy or the ex. You are struggling because you are a little lonely and want something more. Its sucks. Been there. Done that.

Sometimes you just go throgh periods like this. I'm guessing more people will chime in here who say the same, some like me, who have been through it and come out of the tunnel, and then some others who are going through the same noise that you are now.

Its no fun. Its boring. It takes time, but generally it does end. I went from having nobody to date or hang with for almost two years to suddenly finding 3 different people I would have liked to date, all at the same time and a slew of new friends through a new job. Feast or famine.

So hang in there. Things like job changes, moves, getting into different environments all will introduce new people into your life. Its just never as fast as we want it to be when things have gotten a little slow.

Thanks for the support and you are right about feast or famine. I just have to keep moving in the direction I was before. Up!!

What I don't understand is that you broke up with him a year ago but you still sound like you are in love with him. If you are in love with someone, there should never be any doubts. When you broke up with him, I think that you thought you had him rapped around your little finger, but you were wrong because three weeks later, he was with another girl. Surprise, Surprise, Surprise.

As far as his friend; Tell him if he wants your friendship, he must never speak another word concerning your X again, or you can't be friends with him.

BTW - You kiss him and say "I really just want to be friends only" You are just teasing him girl. Not nice!

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Originally Posted by SnakeBite

What I don't understand is that you broke up with him a year ago but you still sound like you are in love with him. If you are in love with someone, there should never be any doubts.

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Um, I disagree a bit. Yes, its nice to think that with love there is an "all in" or "all out" indicator, and no fuzzy in-between. Well... reality is that you can be in love with someone and it be the wrong time, wrong situation, etc. yes, maybe time has made her rethink... though I think most of it is more about not finding someone else interesting. New relationships have a way of making it easy to step away from the past.

But most people learn what love is through trial and error. Most don't get it "right" immediately, so there is doubt. Its part of the process. Even when the love is real.

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Originally Posted by kp2171

um, i disagree a bit. yes, its nice to think that with love there is an "all in" or "all out" indicator, and no fuzzy in-between.

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For me, I have allways known when I was in love. It has always been clear as the sun on a sunny day. Never a doubt.

QUOTE: but most people learn what love is through trial and error. Most don't get it "right" immediately, so there is doubt.

To me, love is an extremly passionate feeling I get for a girl and I can't get her out of my mind. She is in my every thought and I can't bare the thought of being without her.
No trial and error, it either works out or it doesn't. Its usualy a one sided break up when it happens and someone gets burned.
That may be trial, but error?
How about chance? Love is a chance you take...

Well, must be nice to be perfect concerning love.

What do I know? Just happily married for 7 years, together for nine.

Scour the threads here and you'll see it can be more complex than what you state. In fact, the all encompassing can't be without her love is often expressed by the young.

And if you don't think love involves work, trial and error being a learning process, then you are... well, unique. A 16 year olds version of love is rarely the same as that persons view of love at 26 or 46. It's a learning process.

At least for the rest of us mortals.

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Originally Posted by kp2171

well, must be nice to be perfect concerning love.

what do i know? just happily married for 7 years, together for nine.

scour the threads here and youll see it can be more complex than what you state. in fact, the all encompassing can't be without her love is often expressed by the young.

and if you dont think love involves work, trial and error being a learning process, then you are... well, unique. a 16 year olds version of love is rarely the same as that persons view of love at 26 or 46. its a learning process.

at least for the rest of us mortals.

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When you say learning process, do you mean with the same person or years of have different persons?
Love is not a learning process for me. I said for me! It's a learning process getting to know someone. Not, am I in love? Do I want to break up with this person?.

I never said love has been perfect for me. I just know real love when I feel it. And when I feel it, I never want to let it go.

Everyone is different, I realize that, but I can't relate to this girls situation.
I never broke up with someone and a year later had feelings for them. I hang in there and give it my all when I am in a relationship. When I have been through the ringer in a relationship and it clearly didn't work out, I move on and don't look back.

When a relationship is more negative than it is positive, and there are more sad times then happy, then I feel its time to move on with my life.

BTW - I'm not saying everyone should live by my standards. Everyone has to do what is best for them...

I didn't have him wrapped around my finger by any means. He kept telling be he didn't see the relationship working out. He didn't talk to me much anymore and he would put pillows between us at night. He would break plans all the time and I really had no choice but the break up with him. I wasn't willing to be dragged through the mud and then thrown away. That's what he did to his other girlfriends and I found that out later. He never gave me a reason why he changed. He just kept saying it was something I did but he wasn't going to tell me. I did nothing but love that kid and I am a complete giver in a relationship I expect to be treated fairly and with love. So I do think that snakebite is misinterpreting my words.

I agree kp about love not being black and white. I have been hanging out with the friend a little less. But I'm confused about the way I feel about him. I have been so honest with him about him talking about the ex. We've always been friends through my ex and it always seemed a little special. I was interested in him 6 months ago when he still had the girlfriend because they had broken up before that and I didn't know they had gotten back together.

I don't want to hurt either one of us, but he's just giving me something emotional that is hard to deny. I feel like I've been very supportive in listening to him too. It's weird and I don't know what to do. I've been thinking about it all day. And yes I do still love my ex and miss him very much. Thank you for your comments, it helps to here other perspectives.

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Originally Posted by risingup

He kept telling be he didn't see the relationship working out. He didn't talk to me much anymore and he would put pillows between us at night. He would break plans all the time and I really had no choice but the break up with him. I wasn't willing to be dragged through the mud and then thrown away.

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Sounds to me like he was done with the relationship you two were in before you broke up with him. You did the breaking up which meant, "he didn't have to." The girl he meet three weeks later? He was probably seeing her while you two were together. He just didn't tell you that.

That would be my take on your situation.

You have confirmed what I already thought was true. I couldn't prove it, but I think he did the same thing when he first started me.

I think your lack of your own friends also is very telling how isolated this relationship has made you. You really needed more balance, and had your own friends besides his.

I actually had a ton of friends when I was with him. But shortly after the break up 2 of my best friends had their babies and another friend got engaged. They used to hang out all the time but now their time is limited. I have found 2 new friends that are single and in the same boat. I've been making plans with them on a weekly basis.

Rising up, one year after a break up, you really need to let go.
Move forward with your life. It's the best advice anyone can give you...

Connect with the new friends and don't give up on the old. Babies get older and it gets easier to see friends you have neglected... so don't be too down on them or give up on them.

I "lost" friends, by my own doing, for about 2 years after my son was born. It just takes a lot out of you. If you remain there for them now, they will remember it.