Ask Me Help Desk - Relationship with son and daughter in law

My son and I were once very close. We allowed them to live with us for several years. Then I went through a terrible divorce. My son felt he had to take care of me.He hates his father (and always has) I was a mess during this time. My son and daughter in law lived with me, I gave them the house. I have just found out my dil hated living with me and "never wants to live with me again". I went on vacation to their house and she never once sat down and talked with me unless my son was in the room. I was never interfering or anything. My son says she just doesn't like women . I want to know if any one else has problems like this with their daughters in law.

I think your daughter-in-law may have some jealousy issues. This is not uncommon. Immature perhaps, but not uncommon. I don't know if there's really anything you can do about it or not. You've already said you don't interfere in their marriage, so it's not like there's any legitimate reason for her to dislike you. It's also common for married women to be mistrustful of other women where their husbands are concerned, but that certainly ought not to include mothers! After all, no sane mother is going to try and seduce her own son! If your dil doesn't understand that, then she probably has some deeper, underlying issues that need to be addressed by a mental health professional.

Quote:

Originally Posted by escott25

My son and I were once very close. We allowed them to live with us for several years. Then I went through a terrible divorce. My son felt he had to take care of me.He hates his father (and always has) I was a mess during this time. My son and daughter in law lived with me, I gave them the house. I have just found out my dil hated living with me and "never wants to live with me again". I went on vacation to their house and she never once sat down and talked with me unless my son was in the room. I was never interfering or anything. My son says she just doesn't like women . I want to know if any one else has problems like this with their daughters in law.

My mother is not a big fan of the daughter in law. She'll act nice in front of us, but I know she's not treating my brother right. There's really only so much you can say to your son. You don't want to push him away, but maybe you should be honest with him in telling him how it makes you feel when she treats you like that. Maybe you can have a separate relationship with him if need be. I hope it works out for you.

She appreantly doesn't understand how important it is to respect elders.
I am sorry, but talk to your son about it see what can he do.
Remember don't put too much pressure on him when you plan on doing this.

I know two women who really don't forge relationships with other women well... they always had guy friends, and no, it wasn't anything more than friends.

I also have an in law who is married to an uncle in the family. She is antisocial to those outside her normal circle, especially women like my daughter and wife. No good reason why, as far as we can tell.

In your situation, I think there's just a combination of issues. You were gracious to let them live with you. At the same time you admit you were a mess. Sounds like it wasn't the best time for them either.

So... I imagine that history is part of the issue.

Should she extend an effort to try to improve the relationship? Yes. Maybe. I don't know. Again, I don't know what she walked away from during the time in your house. Something there might have really gotten to her, and rather resolve it, she's carried it around.

Kind of like how you feel now. There's an issue, but you haven't talked to her about it. And now its this thing that's going to follow you around when you visit.

So... what to do? Your call. Its hard to know all the reasons cause I don't know her perspective or his from their point of view.

In time, even "cold" relationships can get better. I have a cousin who had some issues with his father when younger. You can still tell there are some issues there but they've grown closer, even if its not an "ideal" relationship.

As for you being farther emotionally from your son... to some degree this can also happen as he is busy with his own life. And unresolved issues, like the ones with his father, don't help anything. Just more pent up frustration, justified or not. Its emotional energy that could be spent elsewhere.

Sorry to hear this is where you are. Best you can do is be good to both of them while still expecting to be treated fairly and kindly. That doesn't mean you can demand affection. And maybe talking to her about her time in the house is a good way to get things started. It might get ugly. She might say things you don't want to hear or relive. But it also might begin a new chapter.

All you can do is all you can do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by escott25

My son and I were once very close. We allowed them to live with us for several years. Then I went through a terrible divorce. My son felt he had to take care of me.He hates his father (and always has) I was a mess during this time. My son and daughter in law lived with me, I gave them the house. I have just found out my dil hated living with me and "never wants to live with me again". I went on vacation to their house and she never once sat down and talked with me unless my son was in the room. I was never interfering or anything. My son says she just doesn't like women . I want to know if any one else has problems like this with their daughters in law.

I'm Hurt Mom and I can relate to what you are going through. I don't know what to tell you about your DIL except that it seems that someone said to you that there may be some jealousy involved here(although it seems that would seem impossible). I never understood that phrase, but I now believe that there may be something to it. So take that into consideration and also that she wants to be in control of her husband's (your son's) time spent with you... Jealousy?? Maybe... I just hope you situation works out better than mine. There is nothing you can do I know that from experience because the both of them will work against you because your son has become accustomed to his wife's beliefs and she has the luxury of being there a lot more than you are and so her likes and dislikes are more prevalent in his mind allllll of the time. I don't know what to do in my situation because my feelings do not matter, but if you's do. I guess sit down with them and talk it through. My DIL does not seem to like women either. She's much more friendly with the men in the family... I've noticed that... so that may be true also. If it is, stand your ground, but back off from her and let her come to you some day... it may take a while for her to trust you, but you have a lot to deal with and if she cannot be supportive of you than find those that will be. If you try to get her to be supportive (even though she should be) she'll get worse.

Good luck,
Hurt Mom

Well, I'm a daughter-in-law, but not a mother in law. I consider myself to be EXTREMELY lucky in my relationship with my husband's mother.

Many of my friends weren't so lucky.

While you SAY you do not interfere in their marriage--are you SURE of that? Suggestions about the way she folds her towels, or cleans her kitchen, or raises her children, while usually MEANT to be helpful, come across as criticism much of the time from my friends' mothers-in-law. That is to say--my friends know that their m-i-ls mean well, but it just GRATES that nothing they do is ever good enough.

Plus, especially in cases where the mother and son are close--it sometimes feels like a competition. He sides with his mother against her, and all of a sudden the mother is more important than she is. She's his WIFE! She SHOULD be the most important woman in his life!

You may need to talk to both your son and his wife about this--but you may just need to let it go. My mother and my dad's mother weren't close until we kids were almost grown, mostly because the two of them saw things very differently most of the time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synnen

Well, I'm a daughter-in-law, but not a mother in law. I consider myself to be EXTREMELY lucky in my relationship with my husband's mother.

Many of my friends weren't so lucky.

While you SAY you do not interfere in their marriage--are you SURE of that? Suggestions about the way she folds her towels, or cleans her kitchen, or raises her children, while usually MEANT to be helpful, come across as criticism much of the time from my friends' mothers-in-law.

Thank U! It was really good to hear from a DIL other than my own. In my case, I wouldn't dream of ever making any such suggestions. However, she wouldn't think twice about telling me how to treat her children... I should treat them the same way she does, of course. I did tell them long ago that this is impossible. I must be able to have my own relationship with the children because I will be coming from a different place. I want to spoil them w/in reason and would not ever go against their wishes. But I don't know their wishes... I only know that they criticize everything I say and do. i.e. (and I've got a million) when my g'son fell I gasped.. and she said... 'don't do that because he will cry if you have that reaction'. Well, if someone I love falls... I'm going to have a reaction even though she does not. He was a baby that fell... what am I supposed to do? I will react... deal with it... was my thinking, but I would never say. My situation is kind of unique or at least not the norm as I believe that my DIL is mentally challenged and my son cannot see this?? So it's a true delimma. I only wish that I could be close to my dil as I tried to be and was rejected soooooooooooooo many times I cannot tell you. I don't know the total story of this lady above, but she seems like a reasonable person. If DIL doesn't like you is it possible to have a relationship w/ son only. Not with my son. His mind is poisoned and this lady's son is certainly influenced by his DIL's feelings and although she must be first in his life.. why does he need to chose... the love for a mother and wife come from two different places in one's heart... period. I thank you for you input... You sound very reasonable as well. I understand that there are people that will never get along and that either one or the other is to blame. In my situation, unfortunately, there is a mental illness that is ruining my rel'ship with my son and I can't say or do anything about it... and I certainly cannot let it just happen. Do you have any other input... I would love to hear more from you.