Ask Me Help Desk - Cheater for joint custody?

My ex-bf cheated on me with another woman who is married and has two kids while I'm pregnant. They both knew I'm pregnant. After our break up... of course I didn't want anything to do with him. But I sent him ims after I visited my doctor though he told me that he'd chose that woman over my baby if he has too. Which he did. He saw my sonogram pictures that my friend brought to work which was two weeks later after I had it. But I sent him a copy next day after my sonogram. He called me after seeing what my friend brought. He told me he was sorry. That he didn't know that I was still pregnant but I kept telling him before that I was. Though he knew now he hasn't checked on my pregnancy. And from what my friend told me that he has a lawyer now and wants a joint custody of my unborn baby. How can someone be granted a joint custody when they were not there during pregnancy. Since she is still married and from what I heard her husband is hunting them down can I use that. That would be endangering my child and can I get a restraining order for her (my ex's gf) not to be around?

If he's proven to be the dad, then he has every right to attempt to get joint custody. And the reasons you've cited against it won't carry any water in the eyes of the law. The fact that he wasn't there with you during your pregnancy and seeing a married woman are emotional arguments and the law is not based on emotions. Even the "fact" that her husband is "hunting them down" is just hearsay, and arguments based on hearsay won't cut it either. NOw if you can produce some concrete evidence that she and her husband present a possible threat to your child, then that may be a different story. But other than that, your arguments hold no water; it's all up to the judge, who has to abide by certain guidelines, while being able to exercise some discretion within those guidelines.

Quote:

Originally Posted by yamotnako

My ex-bf cheated on me with another woman who is married and has two kids while i'm pregnant. They both knew I'm pregnant. after our break up... of course I didn't want anything to do with him. But I sent him ims after i visited my doctor though he told me that he'd chose that woman over my baby if he has too. Which he did. He saw my sonogram pictures that my friend brought to work which was two weeks later after i had it. But i sent him a copy next day after my sonogram. He called me after seeing what my friend brought. He told me he was sorry. That he didn't know that I was still pregnant but i kept telling him before that i was. Though he knew now he hasn't checked on my pregnancy. And from what my friend told me that he has a lawyer now and wants a joint custody of my unborn baby. how can someone be granted a joint custody when they were not there during pregnancy. since she is still married and from what i heard her husband is hunting them down can i use that. that would be endangering my child and can i get a restraining order for her (my ex's gf) not to be around?

I hate to be on the side I am but the child needs to know both parents... it may be hard on you but I know you want what is best for your child. Look at all the studies out there, people are broken and we are looking for every opportunity to avoid doing what is the best for our child... you can't stand him because he hurt you... he did but making you child pay for it isn't the answer... you don't have to forgive him... you don't have to grant him respect but you should because he is wanting to be in the child's life... sounds hard because it is... but when your child is older they can never say my mom didn't let me see my dad if you do they will hate you for it... I wish you love and peace in Christ

Quote:

Originally Posted by yamotnako

. how can someone be granted a joint custody when they were not there during pregnancy.

. that would be endangering my child and can i get a restraining order for her (my ex's gf) not to be around?

First, custody hearings occur AFTER the child is born, not before. Second, if he is the biological parent then he has every right to file for custody.

Whether he gets custody or visitation is dependent on whether he would pose a danger to the child. Except for the nebulous threat of the gf's husband, I don't see how you can prove that.

Welcome to the world of being a single mother. Once that baby is born it will be great but very stressful. But the other answers are correct, I just went through it. My little girls dad wasn't there through the pregnancy but when she was born and he knew that she was his 100% he got joint custody, (I didn't even fight it) You really can't fight it, it's not the babies fault that he and you didn't work out. You and your babies father are going to have to talk, I disagree with you not needing to respect him. Even though he hurt you, as a mother you are going to have push those feelings aside for that baby, the baby deserves to think his/her father is a perfect dad (Just as long as he is, and the fact that he wants rights shows he is not all that bad, but if he messes up don't take any crap! ) Just as long as he treats that baby good and loves it, you should hold no resentment, trust me I know it's hard because I still have some. As for the girlfriend make sure that she doesn't cross any lines, you are the mother and makes sure she knows that from day one! I have went through the same thing, my little girl is only four months old, I am still going through it, but really just be there for that baby, let him/her know their father unless he does anything wrong. AND DON'T LET ANYONE RUN ALL OVER YOU< WHEN THAT BABY IS BORN GO TO COURT AND GET IT LEGAL AND MAKE HIM FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE TOO!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Michelle0410

Welcome to the world of being a single mother. Once that baby is born it will be great but very stressful. But the other answers are correct, I just went through it. My little girls dad wasn't there through the pregnancy but when she was born and he knew that she was his 100% he got joint custody, (I didn't even fight it) You really can't fight it, it's not the babies fault that he and you didn't work out. You and your babies father are going to have to talk, I disagree with you not needing to respect him. Even though he hurt you, as a mother you are going to have push those feelings aside for that baby, the baby deserves to think his/her father is a perfect dad (Just as long as he is, and the fact that he wants rights shows he is not all that bad, but if he messes up don't take any crap!!) Just as long as he treats that baby good and loves it, you should hold no resentment, trust me I know it's hard because I still have some. As for the girlfriend make sure that she doesn't cross any lines, you are the mother and makes sure she knows that from day one!! I have went through the same thing, my little girl is only four months old, I am still going through it, but really just be there for that baby, let him/her know their father unless he does anything wrong. AND DON"T LET ANYONE RUN ALL OVER YOU< WHEN THAT BABY IS BORN GO TO COURT AND GET IT LEGAL AND MAKE HIM FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE TOO!!!!!

Thanks... yeah... I'll do that... I don't want him around because he hurt me but because of what he said and what he did. Actually his girlfriend told me this first then I heard it from the father of my child himself. He said that he'd chose that woman over my baby if he has too... and he did... aside from putting me through an emotional stress which can hurt the child... the night I found out about them... not only he put me in danger but the baby too... he drove so fast (like a 100 mph) and ran after girl who said she was still drunk. He could have just called a cop... but no... so how can I trust that him being a 100% father after what he did and this is his first child. I don't want joint custody because I don't want my baby to be around her kids and her. I told him over and over before that he'll be a part of our baby's life. But not her. Not her kids with her husband (she is still married to the other guy). I don't mind if it was their kid... I'm not going to badmouth the father of my chilld but when she grows up she has the right to know everything. But from what I heard I can get a court order for her not to be around during visitation unless of course they get married. Yeah I'll make sure that he's going to pay child support. Since from what I heard he has another baby on the way ( which everybody think is not his because she was living with her husband when they started screwing around and there was this one guy who was interested in her and likewise)... and he's raising that girl's kids. I guess nobody can blame me if I feel that she's not going to treat my baby right. She put her own kids in danger before... how easy it would be for her to do that to mine.

By the way... he is taking medication for his temper... and she was under medication for depression ( She couldn't take that since she is pregnant). I got depressed too but that was after what he did... and the only medication that my doc prescribed me was a support system which I got from my family and friends.

Quote:

Originally Posted by yamotnako

thanks...yeah...i'll do that...i don't want him around because he hurt me but because of what he said and what he did. actually his gf told me this first then i heard it from the father of my child himself. He said that he'd chose that woman over my baby if he has too...and he did...aside from putting me through an emotional stress which can hurt the child... the night i found out about them...not only he put me in danger but the baby too...he drove so fast (like a 100 mph) and ran after girl who said she was still drunk. He could have just called a cop...but no...so how can I trust that him being a 100% father after what he did and this is his first child. I don't want joint custody coz I don't want my baby to be around her kids and her. I told him over and over before that he'll be a part of our baby's life. But not her. Not her kids with her husband (she is still married to the other guy). I don't mind if it was their kid...I'm not going to badmouth the father of my chilld but when she grows up she has the right to know everything. But from what I heard I can get a court order for her not to be around during visitation unless of course they get married. Yeah I'll make sure that he's going to pay child support. Since from what I heard he has another baby on the way ( which everybody think is not his coz she was living with her husband when they started screwing around and there was this one guy who was interested in her and likewise)...and he's raising that girl's kids. I guess nobody can blame me if i feel that she's not going to treat my baby right. She put her own kids in danger before...how easy it would be for her to do that to mine.

That is defiantely a lot to swollow and I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this. Maybe with him wanting to choose the woman over your child you won't have to worry about anyhting. But I promise once this baby is born all of this will seem so simple, I was 36 weeks pregnant and my little girls dad made it absolutely miserable, I will never be able to forgive him completely but it's like it doesn't even matter to me anymore because I have a beautiful baby girl. You are going to go back and forth with mixed emotions form here on out, just make sure that baby is happy that is all you can really do hun. As a mother it will come so naturally to put your feelings aside and put that baby first, your instincts are already there, I can tell because you are worried about your babies safety! Your going to be a great MOM! Best of Luck!

I just found out that the girl is pregnant... and though she knew she was pregnant she still took her anti depression medication without the knowledge of her doctor... from what I heard from her best friend... that she took it till her 3 month and her doctor told her that the baby would probably have a physical and mental retardation. Her baby is her business... but those two kids that she has already are uncontrolable according to her best friend... and she doesn't pay much attention to them when they visited her best friend... can I ask the court for her and her kids not to be around when the father of my baby wants to visit with our baby?

Lord yes, you are the mother you can control over everything, all you have to do is tell your lawyer to bring that up in court or have it put in the parenting plans!

Thanks michelle... I'll do that... I guess I can't do anything about him... he is the father of my child... but still I don't want a joint custody... he didn't make a responsible decision for himself before... how can he do that now when his hands are full... having another man's kids to take care of... a woman who's pregnant that is longing for her meds.

Some men are so strange, it seems like this woman may have some kind of hold on your ex... Who cares, let him have her and if you feel the need to protect your baby from him and his living arrangements ALL POWER TO YOU! Who knows what situation your child could get into in that kind of atmosphere, accidentally swallow a fallen pill, be neglected by passed out step mom and father with his hands full of other children, no judge is going to find it okay. I hope you have an easy case and you odn't have to fight much... But remember IF the ex has a change of heart give it the slightest chance with SUPERVISED visits, for the baby, it wouldn't be fair not to.

Yeah... I do have a heart... and I want my baby to know her dad. I just don't want other people around...

Completely Understandable! I Would Feel The Same Way, And Make Sure This Woman Knows This From The Very Beginning!