I don't know how to start except from the beginning. My fiance' and I got engaged two years ago. Both of us had been in a twenty year marriage. He said he stayed in his because of his daughter and when she graduated and left home he did too. So he felt trapped in that marriage. When we got engaged two years ago, every time we set a wedding date he would always find reasons we should wait. For instance, I needed to quit being insecure, I was jealous, etc. Which I am not that bad but after you are married 28 years and your x leaves you, you tend to get a little scared. Now the other night he exploded and said you know why I haven't wanted to make love lately or whatever... he said I am not turning him on.. I am about 30 lbs overweight, but I think and everyone else says I am beautiful. I am a news editor for our local newspaper and he is the postmaster. I am 52 and he is 54.. we have a great relationship, laugh, talk, sing together, dance... and he makes me laugh... and the sex is out of this world.. He says he loves me dearly and I do him also.. He says when we make love it is awesome but right now I don't turn him on and he feels like a total jerk for feeling that way, but he can't help it, he just wants to be honest with me. He said he has never been attracted to overweight women but he fell in love with me. When we met I was about 30 lbs lighter than I am now and he is scared I will get really big like I was at one time when I was married. I think that is the real reason he won't get married, He is scared I will get so fat. But, I wouldn't do that... I am now on a diet as of two days ago, and I will succeed. So what do you think is going on? Someone please help me... am I living with a man that will never marry me? Are these all just excuses? He says he loves me he just don't want to ever have to answer to anyone again and feel trapped. But on the other hand I wear his engagement ring, and he introduces me as his fiance'. I honestly think it has a lot to do with my weight.. Help!
Thanks
Scarlett_11

Hard to say what's really going on with him, for it can be a number of things. I personally don't see why your weight would be a valid excuse for postponing a wedding. To use that is just a cop out and shows that he's shallow. What if it were something else, like a mole or a birthmark? Would he use that as an excuse as well? Don't get me wrong, I am all for honesty, but listing whatever fixable flaws you may have and sticking them under the canopy of "honesty" is just plain mean. Besides, you are on a diet, you will lose the weight - but not his asinine way of thinking. If he really said he doesn't want to answer to anyone again and feel trapped he spoke volumes to you. I would interperet that as saying you are his eternal fiancée and that he has no intention of ever getting married.
But the bottom line is this: as long as you are happy together and love each other like you say you do, then a marriage certificate is just another piece of paper.

Maybe he's affraid because of his last marriage...

Come on at our age we know that weight ain't got nothing to do with this and You also know how to talk about how you feel, and you already know how he can be gunshy about getting married. If your confused its only because the two of you haven't talked enough, or listened enough or worked together, to solve your issues. I know you've been engaged two years, but how long have you been a couple??

He's got cold feet over something and he is making excuses. It is not okay for him to use your weight as an excuse, when you love someone you love it all .

Have you considered pre-marital counseling? I've seen it work wonders in relationships.

Sorry.

When we (in thatse case, he) question our decisions we "cast about...."
i.e. He is using a number of excuses to raise the tension point to where you all
May actually question the relationship. I think being 30 lbs. overweight is not
A super thing though... For personal health alone it does not make a great statement.
Still, if that is the weight you are going to be, he may have to deal with it or move on.

I would recommend counseling for a set amount of time ASAP so you can reopen the lines of communication.

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Originally Posted by SpawnOfAzazel

Hard to say what's really going on with him, for it can be a number of things. I personally don't see why your weight would be a valid excuse for postponing a wedding. To use that is just a cop out and shows that he's shallow. What if it were something else, like a mole or a birthmark? Would he use that as an excuse as well? Don't get me wrong, I am all for honesty, but listing whatever fixable flaws you may have and sticking them under the canopy of "honesty" is just plain mean. Besides, you are on a diet, you will lose the weight - but not his asinine way of thinking. If he really said he doesn't want to answer to anyone again and feel trapped he spoke volumes to you. I would interperet that as saying you are his eternal fiancee and that he has no intention of ever getting married.
But the bottom line is this: as long as you are happy together and love each other like you say you do, then a marriage certificate is just another piece of paper.

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Thanks so much for answering me. I agree with you totally.. would love to hear more from you... thanks again... scarlett_11