Ask Me Help Desk - I Cheated and can't Forgive Myself

Has anyone ever been unfaithful to a husband, wife or partner? Well I have and I got caught almost literally in the act. It was a terrible situation to be sure. My husband and I hadn't been getting along, in fact, we never got along. He was supposed to be gone, again, and not coming back. I ran into an old flame, tossed back a few drinks and before you know, we were on the way back to my place, where my husband lay sleeping in bed to awake to me and "the other" in an inappropriate situation. I was very intoxicated and under the influence of something else, very upset and not in my right mind by any means. My judgment was definitely clouded. I wouldn't have done it otherwise. My husband came back to me to try to "work it out" only to leave a week later because he couldn't forgive me. I apologized profusely, accepted responsibility and vowed it would never happen again. It wasn't enough. Even though I'd forgiven him for previous infidelities and lots of other things, he just can't put this behind him. Our relationship was horrible and I know that it's for the best that its over but to have it end this way is EATING ME ALIVE. I need some help fast! I started counseling shortly after but I think I need something more intensive than once a week. If there are any kind souls out there that could help I would greatly appreciate it. Please someon send me a life preserver, sometimes good people make stupid choices! :(

Why can't you forgive yourself? You said so yourself that your relationship was horrible maybe subconciusly you decided to cheat in hopes that it would come to light and the marriage would have a "real" reason to end.

You need to stop beating yourself up. You made a mistake.

First of all, if you have forgiven him in the past then that is very noble and that is probably one of the reasons your angry (sub-consciously). Another thing is that you are kicking yourself because your thinking was clouded and had it not been you wouldn't have been in the mood with your old flame.
You shouldn't blame yourself or be mad at yourself though. You seem like a sweet person and the inner torment is not fair to yourself. We have all cheated in one way or another... I know I have. Yes, we make big mistakes and some have higher stakes then the others, but we must remember that with a mistake comes a lesson. This lesson teaches you so many things, and in so many ways. Try learning rather then being upset with yourself and this entire situation. And if you weren't happy, then what exactly is the big loss. Yes, it ended badly but so do soooo many other things. You just can't dwell on the past. You must look to your future and smile:)

In order to move on and make things better you must learn to forgive yourself. You made a mistake, you regret it, you do what you can to earn your trust back, and you #1 forgive yourself!

A horrible relationship probably needs to end, even if it is on terms that put you in a bad place.

Its just probably been a while since you knew what happy is. In a relationship with infidelity you can become the "victim", the "suspicious" wife, the "angry" spouse... you can get so wrapped up in the noise that you forgot what it was like to be happy, without all the emotional baggage.

Well... time to start. Begin by not blaming yourself for this mess. It is convenient for him. He can now make this YOUR fault. Now he gets to hold this over you.

He was trying to come back to make it work and now you ruined it all... hmmmmm... how convenient.

Yes, it sucked for him. Yes, sounds like you wouldn't have done it had you known he would be there. But you already said he was to have been gone for good.

So... smack your hands and call yourself naughty. Then get over it. He is using this to put all the blame on you. He had left you.

The only difference now is that he has a reason to blame you for the ultimate ending. Which is bull. The relationship sounds like it was mostly done.

You need to realize the relationship was dying and dead long before this moment.

Thanks guys! Your words are kind, inspiring and just what I needed!

You're absolutely welcome, and if you want to vent, tehn go for it, because as shown on this site in various threads, venting is good:D

Canada Sweety is right - most of us on her came here to vent or look for help and there are a lot of people on here that will always give you a shoulder up. Please be good to yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cyrenasworld

Has anyone ever been unfaithful to a husband, wife or partner? Well I have and I got caught almost literally in the act. It was a terrible situation to be sure. My husband and I hadnt been getting along, in fact, we never got along. He was supposed to be gone, again, and not coming back. I ran into an old flame, tossed back a few drinks and before you know, we were on the way back to my place, where my husband lay sleeping in bed to awake to me and "the other" in an inappropriate situation. I was very intoxicated and under the influence of something else, very upset and not in my right mind by any means. My judgment was definately clouded. I wouldnt have done it otherwise. My husband came back to me to try to "work it out" only to leave a week later because he couldnt forgive me. I apologized profusely, accepted responsibility and vowed it would never happen again. It wasnt enough. Even though i'd forgiven him for previous infidelities and lots of other things, he just can't put this behind him. Our relationship was horrible and I know that it's for the best that its over but to have it end this way is EATING ME ALIVE. I need some help fast! I started couseling shortly after but I think I need something more intensive than once a week. If there are any kind souls out there that could help I would greatly appreciate it. Please someon send me a life preserver, sometimes good people make stupid choices!!:(

I have. I'll always be ashamed and embarrassed about it, but life goes on. Have I forgiven myself for it? Yes. And so has my wife. If anything, it helped us be more honest with each other.

Everyone makes mistakes, you have to learn from them.

The thing that is concerning about your post is the fact that you were "intoxicated" and "under the influence" of another substance. This may be an indication of a larger problem? If so, get help.

Every relationship takes two people to work at it. Don't blame yourself if it does not work out. Agree with the above post-ers.

Grace and Peace

Quote:

Originally Posted by cyrenasworld

Has anyone ever been unfaithful to a husband, wife or partner? Well I have and I got caught almost literally in the act. It was a terrible situation to be sure. My husband and I hadnt been getting along, in fact, we never got along. He was supposed to be gone, again, and not coming back. I ran into an old flame, tossed back a few drinks and before you know, we were on the way back to my place, where my husband lay sleeping in bed to awake to me and "the other" in an inappropriate situation. I was very intoxicated and under the influence of something else, very upset and not in my right mind by any means. My judgment was definately clouded. I wouldnt have done it otherwise. My husband came back to me to try to "work it out" only to leave a week later because he couldnt forgive me. I apologized profusely, accepted responsibility and vowed it would never happen again. It wasnt enough. Even though i'd forgiven him for previous infidelities and lots of other things, he just can't put this behind him. Our relationship was horrible and I know that it's for the best that its over but to have it end this way is EATING ME ALIVE. I need some help fast! I started couseling shortly after but I think I need something more intensive than once a week. If there are any kind souls out there that could help I would greatly appreciate it. Please someon send me a life preserver, sometimes good people make stupid choices!!:(

Hi. All what can I say is try to love yourself more... YES, you did not cheat because you r bad, otherwise you would not blame yourself that much, you cheated on him because you are unhappy with him, and as you said your marriage was going to end up any way... so STOP blaming yourself for it, he is responsible too for what had happen. Maybe, he is not forgiving you because he wanted to end that marriage too but he could not find a good reason, especially you said that u were so good to him. IT's a CLOSED CHAPTER... FORGET IT... and go on with your life... do not waste more of your life on something wich is not worth it.

GOOD luck.

I myself am looking for the answer, when we feel that it is the most unforgivable, it's soaks in & cuts more deeper than the pain we have seen our love ones in, so I really don't know... I honestly think it takes time - it's not easy, hearing that person forgive you honestly is something that would help out... the question remains, will this always be apart of me? Yes we learn but can this be something forgotten? If anyone can answer that past books as guides I would like 2 know