I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months or so and have grown to really like and care about him. We live 5 hours away from each other and decided that we won't be exclusive however, if we were to hook up with someone else, then out of respect we should let the other person know. I agreed and up until recently no one had to utilize this rule.
I went home to NY ( I live in NC) and ended up hooking up w/ an old friend. We did not have intercourse but there was definitely sexual play on his part. In other words I was the only one getting pleased.. Any how I ended up driving back to NC and stopped in Va to see my friend. I contemplated whether to tell him about what happened, but I figured that was what I agreed to and Im going to keep my word, however I commenced to tell him after we had sex... Which really pissed him off.. Enough to say that he couldn't deal w/ me any more and that I was not sincere. He said that I could not have cared about him because if I did then I would not have let another guy perform oral pleasure on me. He said that I could not be trusted and that he doubts that we will ever be more than just friends. He said that he was considering starting a relationship w/ me before he found out( however he never mentioned that to me) but now that idea is out the window. When I tried to explain that I did not know about his plans or how he felt about me, he said "Well you should have".. as if I'm a mind reader.
I apologized for any hurt feelings but I also told him that he had a little bit more feelings than what he let on and had I known I would have definitely taken them into consideration.
I also said that if he still felt that he wanted to be exclusive than that would not be a problem because that is what I initially wanted anyway. I told him that I could be trusted in a committed relationship and that we could pick up where we left off. His response was "we'll see, Im not making any promises". He also told me to do whatever I want and he will do the same.. He said not to have expectations of him and he will no longer expect anything from me.
I am supposed to go see him next weekend and we are supposed to go to an amusement park(plans made before the incident). He is telling me to still come but I can tell he is still really pissed. He says that he forgives me but can't say whether he will consider taking this further
I want to know if we can start back where we left off and continue to move forward?

How old are both of you?

Umm... sounds like you wouldn't exactly be able to re-start from scratch.... How old are y'all?

Im 22 and he's 26

Well he's clearly mad that after he suggested you not be exclusive that you took advantage of that situation. This is why when you decide to not be exclusive you never make a deal to tell each other all it does is cause insane jealousy. I imagine you would feel hurt if it was the other way around. If you're not going to be exclusive then just don't be exclusive.

Your feelings are totally right, he sounds mad. That attitude of "fine, I'm going to take my bat and ball and go home you play by yourself" is clearly showing how he is really feeling. I wonder if maybe he really did want an exclusive relationship but thought you wanted something more open or maybe he thought exclusive was stupid to do long distance. Either way I feel that he went against his feelings and now he's mad.

Can you start back to where you were? No. It can't happen. He feels that you betrayed him, even though you weren't exclusive. Did you ever watch Friends? Do you remember when Ross slept with another girl while he and Rachel were on a break? Rachel was so mad even though they were not together. People, especially men, can feel very territorial about women in their lives.

I would talk to him and say to him, what do you really want out of this, not what you think you should want what you really want. Tell him if you want this to be exclusive and committed I'm on board. Go see him and see what happens.

At least you're both adults... listen, it sounds like you kinda hurt him and it would be hard to just re-start. You could try dating him exclusively... but starting from where you two left off. You can try it, but be prepared incase it doesn't.

Thanks you guys for the advice.. I guessI will go see him and see what happens from there

Good idea:) & you're welcome.

Hi,

After a guy has been hurt like that, the best thing you can do is give him a little space for a while. Glinda is right in the fact that guys do get territorial about the women in their lives. They will get attached. It sounds to me that he had more feelings for you than he was letting out. If you two had an open relationship, then he would realize that he had no right to get upset. He might have though there was more. The fact that you went and did oral with another guy and then went and did him... honestly if I was a guy that would piss me off too. Especially if I had feelings for you. If the tables were turned, you would probably be just as upset as he is. Just let him have a few days of space without talking to you and give him time. After that you too need to sit down and talk things out. Find out what he really wants out of the relationship and you need think really hard about this, "Do you want this relationship too?" I know he was the one hurt by your actions but it in turn made you upset too. I hope everything works out for you. Good luck

The not exclusive clause is tricky. It means you need to be distanct enough to really mean it. It can be done. I did it in a relationship... we weren't to be exclusive, but we were for 2 years. Then she told me she was going to see a few guys. I half expected it. She was younger than me and I was surprised she was with just me that long anyway.

My only stipulation was to tell me when it became sexual. Not to violate her privacy, but I just don't want to have sex with someone when I don't know about the people they are having sex with... long story, I found out shed had sex, the night after shed pretty much called me over to satisfy her. Crash. Burn.

How's this relate to you? Well... like I said, no strings attached gets said easier than done.

On your side you were honest, except too late. You broke the rules. You had sex with another person and then didn't give this guy the option of backing out. Not fair. Not agreed upon.

So... he has a right to be pissed. Period. He might walk away. Or not. However, if he chooses to stay he has no right to make this a common issue.

If he thinks he can't trust you, and I'm not sure he will know this or not, then he needs to accept it as a bad blip in the relationship. Doesn't mean forget it. Doesn't mean don't talk about whether the not exclusive thing should really be in play... sounds like he's more interested than indifferent.

But let him have his say. Be open to hearing how he feels. Don't get walked on, but be open. After that, if the noise is just too much, time to walk away or at least back off.

In the meantime figure out what the deal was. Why did you sleep with him and not tell him before? Are you trying to test the relationship? Break it? Were you just needing a fix big time and the right guy was there at the right moment?