Hello all,

As indicated in the subject line of this post I am that lying husband. I have been married 8 years now to a woman that I love unconditionally. Sure we have had our rocky parts just like any marriage but we have worked through them together and always stuck together. But over the course of these 8 years I have noticed a trend developing with my own behavior. As time goes on I find myself deceiving my wife over the most inconsequential things in an effort to avoid what I see as unnecessary conflict. Now my wife is a very smart lady and invariably I always fess up to these deceptions and take a well deserved tongue thrashing about the value of trust and honesty which ironically enough I believe in wholeheartedly. Mind you when these events occur they seem to be almost unconscious things but right after they occur I find it very difficult to resolve it on the spot. Of course and understandably my credibility on every issue seems to be under the highest scrutiny and I find myself fielding the same questions over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I live with an investigator. To emphasize again these lies have never been large issues and I have never cheated or even flirted with another woman since getting married 8 years ago. Of course a lie is a lie. So after that long winded introduction I present my question. What can I do personally to comes to grips with my tendency of deceiving in order to avoid conflict? Thanks everybody.

Have you and your wife discussed couples counseling? It sounds like you both have a problem with communication. I'm presuming that your wife takes small things to heart and this causes unnecessary blow ups. Maybe you both need to learn a better way to deal with one another, that's what counseling is for.

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Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

Have you and your wife discussed couples counseling? It sounds like you both have a problem with communication. I'm presuming that your wife takes small things to heart and this causes unnecessary blow ups. Maybe you both need to learn a better way to deal with one another, thats what counseling is for.

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Thanks for the advice, I was thinking along similar lines and yes you are correct in your assumption that she does sometimes take the smallest things to heart of course that is no cop out for my own behavior. Thanks again.

Great question! I'm interested in hearing some perspectives on this issue as well. I find myself doing the same thing. Small deceptions to avoid blow ups and conflicts. However, I know we must resolve this eventually, so when I gauge she is open to discussion and her defenses are down, I bring up the touchy subject in question, whatever it is at the time. I guess I'm trying to break down this barrier to communication a little at a time, when I have the energy to tackle it. I'm a man who values peace in his home, so I tend to try and keep things as peaceful as possible. As long as the "lies" are minor and insignificant in the big picture, I'm going with the baby steps approach.

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Originally Posted by averbalin

Hello all,

As time goes on I find myself deceiving my wife over the most inconsequential things in an effort to avoid what I see as unnecessary conflict.

So after that long winded introduction I present my question. What can I do personally to comes to grips with my tendency of deceiving in order to avoid conflict? Thanks everybody.

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I can understand why you would lie to avoid ‘unnecessary’ conflict. I know couples who face that same issue and waste so much time and energy arguing over the most trivial of subjects that get blown way out of proportion.

I think that you have to trust your own morals/values and make decisions based on what you believe are right – without worrying about your wife’s reactions to them. In my opinion, lying is just a form of enabling the destructive behavior (possibly your wife’s insecurities). Arguing with you may be the way your wife is trying to gain unhealthy control over you. If you see a pattern of arguments over choices you’ve made that you are able to rationally defend, then it is your wife who needs to resolve her own issues. Try talking to her WHEN YOU AREN’T ALREADY ARGUING – to see if there’s any underlying reasons she feels the way she feels. Understanding her perspective may influence your own future behavior. But be careful … blaming her for your lying will not go over well since two wrongs will never make a right. Good luck.

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deceiving in order to avoid conflict

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Sounds a little ironic, doesn't it?
I have a similar experience with a cousin of mine. Her husband, kids, mother... our ENTIRE family walks on egg shells around her to avoid "bigger blow-ups" as she tends to take things out of context and proportion. Eventually, you may get caught but the risk is worth the reward in case you get away with it. Now, its almost a habit and we all behave this way around her... we've pulled ourselves away and she isn't even aware of it. (NOT GOOD!) I didn't realize this was selfish behavior until someone else pointed it out to me. Basically, you avoid hard conversations to make your life easier, rather than force her (both of you) to face what could be a bigger problem. Re: communication
Could this be what's happening?

If you don't address the underlying concerns within counseling, either your small lies, her anger, or both will catch up to you with ill effects.

Good luck to you

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Originally Posted by LearningAsIGo

Sounds a little ironic, doesn't it?

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Absolutely it does and that is craziest part of this problem because invariably I always fess up when pressed which leads to an even bigger source of contention. Thanks to everybody for the advice which I greatly appreciate. Your insight has given me a new perspective to view this problem through.

Inevitably we all face conflict. Some avoid it more than others. Others crave the conflict and the confrontation that goes along with it. I think I am more the latter. Which doesn't always help me out. I am often the one who lashes out so I am the one you would lie to, to prevent such a lashing. I am sorry that I am that way sometimes. However, learning to face your problems and the confronting the issue is something you will have to come to terms with. We often face the same struggles and hardships when we do not recognize the need for change.
Bottom line, what you are doing isn't working. Maybe you should find a mediator to help you deal with your issues and to find effective ways for you and your wife to communicate. It must be difficult for you to not feel you can be honest without feeling attacked. However, recognizing the problem is critical to begin changing. Sometimes you need an objective third party to teach you, or your wife better skills to manage the conflicts that arise in your relationships. Since they are usually small issues, it is probably the same things you keep lying about. The fact that you are honest and open to learning how to change your ways, says a lot. So be proud of yourself and continue to be open to learning on how to become better for yourself and your marriage. Good Luck!

My husband does this to me. It drives me crazy. It seems to me, sometimes, that he would rather tell a lie than the truth - over STUPID stuff. He thinks I will get mad.
The thing is - I typically don't. What I get mad at is the fact that he felt like he had to lie. That, one, he didn't trust me enough to share with me and two, that if he will lie over something so dumb, what else will he lie about.

Those little lies can do BIG damage. Like I said, my mind goes to - "well, if he will lie about this (and so easily) what else will he lie about"

We have got a tape series - "men are from mars, women are from venus" (they also sell a book) it helped so much (to my surprise) it helped each of us to understand the differences of a way a man and woman think. I would recommend something like that, couples counseling or even individual counseling.
Good Luck.

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Originally Posted by averbalin

Hello all,

As indicated in the subject line of this post I am that lying husband. I have been married 8 years now to a woman that I love unconditionally. Sure we have had our rocky parts just like any marriage but we have worked through them together and always stuck together. But over the course of these 8 years I have noticed a trend developing with my own behavior. As time goes on I find myself deceiving my wife over the most inconsequential things in an effort to avoid what I see as unnecessary conflict. Now my wife is a very smart lady and invariably I always fess up to these deceptions and take a well deserved tongue thrashing about the value of trust and honesty which ironically enough I believe in wholeheartedly. Mind you when these events occur they seem to be almost unconscious things but right after they occur I find it very difficult to resolve it on the spot. Of course and understandably my credibility on every issue seems to be under the highest scrutiny and I find myself fielding the same questions over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I live with an investigator. To emphasize again these lies have never been large issues and I have never cheated or even flirted with another woman since getting married 8 years ago. Of course a lie is a lie. So after that long winded introduction I present my question. What can I do personally to comes to grips with my tendency of deceiving in order to avoid conflict? Thanks everybody.

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I wish you were my husband please read my post maybe you can help

Hello.

The only way to stop your want to lie to get out of conflict is to stop the conflict. As you said don't lie to be hurtfully or hiding big things.

Sit her down and make her a deal. You will tell the truth as long as she doesn't explode at every little thing. It's not going to be easy, I'm sure she has been high strung for years and you have been laid back and try to avoid any type of problems you can. In time you will both learn to talk with each other not at each other.

Good Luck
Dennis777

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Originally Posted by averbalin

Hello all,

As indicated in the subject line of this post I am that lying husband. I have been married 8 years now to a woman that I love unconditionally. Sure we have had our rocky parts just like any marriage but we have worked through them together and always stuck together. But over the course of these 8 years I have noticed a trend developing with my own behavior. As time goes on I find myself deceiving my wife over the most inconsequential things in an effort to avoid what I see as unnecessary conflict. Now my wife is a very smart lady and invariably I always fess up to these deceptions and take a well deserved tongue thrashing about the value of trust and honesty which ironically enough I believe in wholeheartedly. Mind you when these events occur they seem to be almost unconscious things but right after they occur I find it very difficult to resolve it on the spot. Of course and understandably my credibility on every issue seems to be under the highest scrutiny and I find myself fielding the same questions over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I live with an investigator. To emphasize again these lies have never been large issues and I have never cheated or even flirted with another woman since getting married 8 years ago. Of course a lie is a lie. So after that long winded introduction I present my question. What can I do personally to comes to grips with my tendency of deceiving in order to avoid conflict? Thanks everybody.

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Lying in any way may it be with good intentions of not hurting the one you love is still lying. You can never right a wrong by doing another wrong. TRUST is a very essential ingredient in every marriage. How can you simply be trusted with big things if with little things you can't be trusted? She will really feel being cheated though you're not cheating at all because she feels you are hiding something from her by not telling her the truth. In love we must always look after the welfare of our spouse or partner. If we know that the things we do are hurting them, feel free to apologize and reassure her that she is the only one in your life. Start by informing your wife about small details in your life like who you talk to everyday and the things you did on this day. You may never see it as important but you have to read your wife's language of love which may be words of affirmation. Once she knows you are open to her with small details then you can earn her trust and I believe that in no time she will.

Why are we afraid of conflicts? Why conflicts over minor issues keep repeating themselves? Is telling lies the right attitude to avoid conflict? I think first of all we should not be afraid of conflicts, we should have the right conversation over the problems. The conflicts repeat again and again because we do not LISTEN to our partner. If you listen carefully, you should be able to repeat what they tell you and ask them, ”so you are telling me that …. Bothers you. Most of the time it is not right, I mean you hear a totally different thing. Listen and don't argue, and ask if you have got it right. Then ask what your partner wants you to do. Then think about it. Is it right or wrong? Are you able to do or behave that way? Sometimes it is right but you are not that type and it is difficult for you to change a habit. Then you can discuss it, tell your partner, that you do your best to avoid that habit, but you are a human being and it is not easy to change, and if in your trying you fail sometimes you expect her to be supportive and do not put you under a magnifier all the time. After all she should love you for what you are. And if she is wrong, tell her that from your point of view she is wrong and give her your reasons. If she is rational and smart she will accept it. I am sure. My husband some times just tells me, what you did was wrong, at first I find it annoying, but then I ask him to explain and some times I see his point when he explains. Men do not like to argue or discuss or explain things to the women they love. I do not know why, but it is OK. Believe me we like it when it is honest. I do not think telling lies will solve the problem.Wish you all the best.