Ask Me Help Desk - Untrusting mother

Well I was caught listening to my 14 year olds conversation with her boyfriend she has had some sexual talk with him and she really doesn't understand what this makes her sound like. She is still a virgin but tries to act like she is miss hot stuff.Iv'e told her she shouldn't talk like that because boys get the wrong impression of you.She still does it. My husband says she is to young to have a boyfriend ,maybe so but she seems so down if she doesn't talk to him. I feel bad listening but I can't help but worry about her and the things they talk about.him masterbating and her telling him to do it. I was young once and I would never have talked like that .Should I let her have her privacy?

I think you should let her have her privacy. I can tell you what my aunt did with my cousin (who is now 17).

She told her that boys will say or do anything to have sex or have any sexual interaction with a girl. They may say they love you but what they really love is having an orgasm. She told her that men have semen in their penis and when it comes out it feels really, really good it feels so good that they will do anything to have a girl present when it happens. She told her that there are repercussions to any and all actions in this world and that she hopes that she uses her head and waits to have sex but she can't always be with her and she hopes that she will make the right choices for her future. My aunt also told her that sex is something really special and that hey body is hers and that no one should ever try to get her to do anything that she doesn't want to do.

It might help. It worked with my cousin she's 17 still a virgin and doesn't do more then kiss her boyfriends.

This is a fine line. If you feel you need to intercede, then do it. Keep in mind that often teenagers are boastful and tend to exaggerate quite a bit. But I'm sure you know what that can eventually lead to. If they exaggerate too much, too long, then eventually it becomes so that it's not exaggeration any more. And it is also important that your daughter realize what that kind of talk makes her sound like. Even though she may be just bragging, and in her own mind she knows it, she still needs to be aware what kind of impression that gives to others. Teenagers often don't understand that there is a difference between the impression they intend to convey and the impression they actually convey.

Can I tell you an issue I had growing up?
My grandmother raised me and was a great role model.
When I was 15 she caught me sneaking out of the house and yes I was going to see a boy but when she caught me she took away a lot of my privliages that I took for granted, like I lost my room I had to sleep with her and wasent aloud to talk on the phone when I was alone this went on for a few weeks until I earned some of her trust back and honestly at the time I thought it was so terrable but now when I look back she couldn't have been more right if I hadn't got caught what would have happened?
I would have met the boy probely did something that I would regret and get either pregnant or a bad name for myself.
The point here being sometimes it takes tough love she will understand one day and respect herself more.

Knowing what I do about your situation, I am guessing that she is trying to get attention. You need to take the phone out of her room if it is in there. Phone conversations should only been in a public place.

It is almost certain that your son is getting all of the attention and she is craving some kind of attention at this point. Kids don't care what kind of attention they get, good or bad, as long as someone notices them.

Time to lay down the law and be consistent with her.

What she needs is a good sex education, perhaps, honest discussion with you/your husband about sex and the boys. Just a suggestion.

Phone would be gone! Boyfriend would be too. She is too young to be talking about sex, she needs to be thinking about grades, hair, make up, movies, dancing, not having sex. I don't care how sad she acted over this boy. She would not talk to him. I think people let their kids grow up to fast. My daughter does age appropriate things and that does not include talking to boys about sex.

Imxinxonxiot You can be a tough and loving at the same time. You will have to put up with her being angry at you. But believ me she will get over it! Do not try to be her friend be her mother for now.

I also want to say that I think that society is different for your 14 year old then when your 23 year old was 14. I'm 28 and I didn't have a boyfriend at 14, none of my girlfriends did. And if anyone did they certainly did talk dirty to their boyfriends they went to the movies, hung out at the mall, I don't get where this big sexual boom has come from.

bushg is right. When you give tough love your daughter will hate you and say terrible things but it only lasts for so long and when she gets older she'll thank you for it.

I know I have to be her mom but I have so much going on right now I can't stand to see her unhappy to. But she will be unhappy if she gets dumped,gets pregnant,or has an std . I guess she is better off being unhappy now. Thanks

Sorry [Bushg]that commet was for you

Quote:

Originally Posted by imxinxonxit

I know I have to be her mom but I have so much going on right now I can't stand to see her unhappy to. But she will be unhappy if she gets dumped,gets pregnant,or has an std . I guess she is better off being unhappy now. thanks

Your absolutely right. Thinking like that will help you stay strong in this. What's worse? Her hating you for a year or two or her hating herself for getting pregnant at 15 or getting AIDS? You can do this and if you think that your daughter may not listen to what you to say would she maybe listen to her older sister? I talk to my cousin all the time about things that my aunt can't get through to her (though that's usually about school not boys).

You can do this! If nothing else you have already found a support group of sorts. You know if you hit walls and don't know what to do that so many women on here have dealt with or are dealing with it and can give you some really good advice.

She is going to be angry, but it will be easier to change now than waiting for the bad time s to get past. From the sounds of it if you do not do something there could be even worse times for your family. I know a 14 year old that has been with 30 boys and she just started having sex about a year ago, and is being checked for hepitatis c. So I would take the anger over her safety anyday. Stay strong and let us know how she does. Mom she maybe be waiting for you to get her out of a tough spot. I have had my kids tell "I'm so glad you did not let me go." To me that is proof that they look to me to make safe decsions for them.

Your original question was should you let her have her privacy. The answer to that is a resounding NO!

You need to explain to her that while she is underage, YOU are responsible for her. While she lives under your roof she has to follow YOUR rules. You go on to further explain that trust and privacy have to be earned. It doesn't matter what she THINKS all the other girls do, you are only concerned with what you feel its right for HER to do. You can assure her that while, there may be girls behaving like she describes, there are plenty of others who behave as you expect her to behave.

Emphasize that you are looking out for her, that you want the best for her and your rules are designed to she she grows up safely and properly. But you NEED to stick by your guns.

Quote:

Originally Posted by imxinxonxit

well i was caught listening to my 14 year olds conversation with her boyfriend she has had some sexual talk with him and she really doesn't understand what this makes her sound like. she is still a virgin but trys to act like she is miss hot stuff.Iv'e told her she shouldn't talk like that because boys get the wrong impression of you.She still does it. my husband says she is to young to have a boyfriend ,maybe so but she seems so down if she doesn't talk to him. I feel bad listening but i can't help but worry about her and the things they talk about.him masterbating and her telling him to do it. i was young once and i would never have talked like that .Should i let her have her privacy?

Some of the things 14 yr old girls talk about today, are NOTHING like what I remember at that age! Lol! But if THAT is the kind of talk they do in private... then NO, she would not have private time in my house. Does she even know what that is?? And why is SHE asking him to do it?? I would be finding out that info... then I would be getting her involved in different school activities, community activities and church activities. Keeping her busy and hoping she meets NEW friends through these outlets would be something to try. Also, there's plenty of attention to be had while doing all those activities... people notice, teachers notice and praise/encouragement is often given. Maybe with the right type of "attention" she'll move in that direction.

I had a group of 7 girls all around that age, over the 4th of July for a pool party,(daugh. BD) and boy oh boy is it amazing what they THINK they know about these days!! </hair stand on end> :)

I was surprised to hear, as we were sitting around the campfire that night, how openly they were all talking about this one boy... who "cheats" on his g/f, specifically asked for HIS g/f NOT to be invited to the pool party,(because HE might stop by) yet most of these girls thought he was "hot" and I could tell that most of them probably would "date" him if he was "single"... and THAT question also arose... now I don't know if they just got lost in the fact that I was out there helping get hot dogs on forks, stuff for smores, and just back & forth "supervising" but I found this the perfect opportunity to give them MY "take/speech" on what I would consider when thinking about this boy... First of all, I asked them why on earth THEY would date someone that they KNOW has specifically asked for his g/f NOT to be included just so HE can flirt around with basically all the other girls? Then I threw in his actions and the fact that he HAD dated a girl in the group previously, but broke up w/her... I said WHY would you even want to be friends w/ a boy like that? Since that is exactly how he would treat any of you that was with him... and how would THEY like that.

I know it all sounds so juvenile at the time, but sometimes you have to just get in there and draw them a picture at that age, and altho- it was coming from a mom... gawd forbid, none of the girls would want that type of treatment, I said he is not the type of boy to even want as a friend, IMO.

So that was my way of trying to get them to see the light without it "sounding" to motherly... its times like that when I'm wanting to allow them their "freedom of expression" to make their own decisions based on real information at hand, but yet come to MY conclusion! Then there's other times when MY conclusion is the only answer! (I hope that made sense!lol!)

Its such a fine line to walk between mother and friend, as you want them to be able to be open and honest with you about anything but you have to be a mother first and foremost. What's in their best interest is ALL that matters and they will not see that at times but trust me, when they look back as their older... they'll hopefully thank you.

Good Luck Hun!

I think you should let her have her privacy.
The one thing teenagers like most is their privacy.
Take that away from them... They will be mad.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kellyisawsome

I think you should let her have her privacy.
The one thing teenagers like most is their privacy.
Take that away from them...They will be mad.

So you let them have their privacy and they wind up pregnant or worse? Sore Kelly, but I suspect you are a teen who hasn't a clue what it means to be a parent.

Children need to EARN their privacy by showing their maturity and good sense. The OP's daughter hasn't.

I will reiterate what I have said before, but expand.

Your daughter is looking for attention. Your son is in a hospital, diagnosed with schizophrenia, she needs attention.

You are most likely focusing all of your attention on your son's care, as well as the legal system you are battling right now.

Time to take time out from the problems with your son and spend time with your daughter. She is SCREAMING for attention.

Well, I think that's quite rude to mention. If the poster herself doesn't want to reveal sensitive medical and legal info. Why would you? Especially a child's! Humph?

But anyway, I suppose since we're all now privy to your daughters personal situation, your sons medical problems and your own legal battles maybe we can offer more SOLUTIONS!

I myself can't imagine how physically and emotionally draining it must be on you, but as hard as you have it, remember there is a "daughter and sister" that is experiencing all this too, PLUS trying to get through her teen years, which explains your original problem a lot!

Is there a father in the home to help? How about a father "figure"- Uncle/Aunt anyone at this point that could give you a breather? I don't know how much time you are spending in the hospital, but I can only guess that its too much. Although your daughter may seem like the strong one now, I guarantee to her, her problems are just as complex if not more so! As adults we know they aren't, but she still needs that one on one time with you. And unfortunately, now more than ever.

I would try and make some time with her and as I said above, get her involved in some activities she may come to like. I know at her age there are several school activities that, with the new year starting she could easily sign up... take a look at FFA, FBLA, FCA, FTA,
Is she good in any specific subject... where she could help in an afterschool youth mentoring program. One thing I would definitely get her signed up for is the Big Brother/Sister program... she would meet the qualifications and THIS could be a tremendous help to your situation! Teens think college kids are "cool" anyway, so some guidance from this might just be very helpful.

Then of course there is the "church family", if you or her attend one- you could get some help talking with someone there. This would at least give her some structured time after school when you are busy... but you must have some kind of alone time in the evening with her when the day is done.

That's about all my mind can think of at the moment, I hope some of the suggestions are "do-able" for you, as you could both use some exta help during this time. It sounds like so much to deal with and I wish you the best of luck! ((*hugz*))