Ok, here's the story. By the end of my novel you'll probably hold an opinion of my fiancé, but please try to think with an open mind. So me and her (both in our mid-late 20's) have been together for almost two years and are engaged. She has a child (not mine) and his father is not in the picture so I am "dad". The beginning of our relationship was great. We were so much in love with each other. I never felt that way before and I've been in relationships before. She was perfect for me. As time went on, the fights (not physical) began. Now, I know that every couple has the occasional fight but me and her have complete bolw-outs, and they're almost a daily occurrence. I will admit, I do start some of them, but about 85% of them are started by her. She is constantly in a bad mood. She takes things out on me and treats me like garbage most of the time. It can be the littlest thing, for example, we'll be debating (not fighting) about some little thing and if she thinks she's right, I get called names and put down and she makes me feel stupid and insists she's right even if she is wrong. Then in the end, it turns into a fight because she gets so angry. That's just a small example. Since all that has been going on, I have conciderd leaving but at night when it's all settled down I get the "I love you, you're the one, I can't imagine being without you" etc... which makes me crumble. Another reason I haven't left is because of the child. I don't want to hurt an innocent child. I guess the big thing is, I am hoping she changes like she says she's going to try. But it is now to the point where we are now engaged and getting closer to the wedding, I am seriously considering breaking this thing off. I have always had a problem with being alone, but I think I'm over that now. I also have always had low self esteem, but I got a boost of that recently too. I met another woman (no, nothing is going on between us) but there was a connection instantly and that made me realize that there are other fish in the sea. I just don't know what to do. She is very touch and edgy. I feel that if I break it off she will do two things: 1) probably retaliate with violence (she has before) and 2) she would flip out and may harm herself or at least go into a deep depression, even more depressed than she already is. I also don't want to hurt the child either. Please send me your suggestions. Should I give her even more time to straighten up and see if she gets better, or cut bait and get out before this goes too far? Please help. Thanks!

Do you think she will go to counseling? Without it, I can't see where she will have any motivation to change.

It sounds to me as though you are in an abusive relationship with her as the abuser. Yes, women can be abusers too.

I think it may be time to revisit the idea of marriage and consider whether you are ready to live with this for the rest of your life. She sounds very angry, controlling and manipulative.

I also think that you have to realize that this is not a good atmosphere to raise a child in. You both and your behaviors are role models for the child. He will grow up thinking this is normal and everyone does it. He will then act the same to his spouse. It is a viscious cycle.

Sit down make a list of pros and cons as to why this wedding should go on. Think hard about this list, then consider the longer of the two lists.

I agree with both answers, especially the first one. You play her game, she abuses you, then she pulls you back in again. She needs help. As always, the first step is admitting there's a problem.

Don't marry her under some false hope that she's magically change one day (when you put the rings on) because it won't happen. A deeper commitment at this point would probably only fuel the anger inside her and her ability to lash out at you with it. And what happens between you two will certainly affect the child as well. Go to therapy if she will.

I don't believe she will change, my ex was sort of like that but it was her way and that was it. From what I've heard woman get worse when they get married. But if you have any doubt, I would follow your heart.

I hear what you are all saying. She has admitted to me that she has a problem and she is sorry for the way she treats me, which is why I think I keep giving chances. BUT I have no idea if she's going to go get help. She has said it before, but hasn't made a move. There was a point where we couldn't afford it because we did not have insurance at the time, but then we got it and still no go. She needs to get the insurance again which should be in a couple of weeks and we'll see if she goes then. I also know what you mean (J_9) about the kid. I totally agree. I hate it when he sees this stuff going on, it's not fair to him, but it's also not fair for him to see me leave. I just don't know what to do.

Instead of waiting on her to get help (she probably won't), start the process yourself. Contact some counselors and get information on emotional abuse. Find out what you can do to help draw her into therapy. Find out what you can do to protect the child. Don't wait on her to do these things, if she was going to she would've already.

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Originally Posted by Haplo

Instead of waiting on her to get help (she probably won't), start the process yourself. Contact some counselors and get information on emotional abuse. Find out what you can do to help draw her into therapy. Find out what you can do to protect the child. Don't wait on her to do these things, if she was going to she would've already.

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Is that wasting time though? The wedding is in less than a year and I don't want my decision, if it's to leave, get too close to the big day.

I can't answer that for you. To rephrase the question to be more accurate, ask yourself this:

Is she worth the effort?

Also, it doesn't take much time to make some phone calls and discuss this with a therapist. Tell them what's going on and what you'd like to do or see happen. You could probably get a large amount of information and start a small plan of action in a few hours. Seems like hardly any effort at all for a woman and child I love.

Halpo is right... are you willing to risk it, and are you willing to work SO hard on something that might fail. In the abusive relationships I've seen and helped with (helped in a good way) the abusive one changed but for a few weeks and slowly eased back into their yelling and taunting. If you think it's worth it to continue on in this and you think you can handle the stress, and if you think you're ready to risk it all, then I say, go to couples therapy to see what's going on with your relationship overall.

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Originally Posted by Canada_Sweety

Halpo is right... are you willing to risk it, and are you willing to work SO hard on something that might fail. In the abusive relationships I've seen and helped with (helped in a good way) the abusive one changed but for a few weeks and slowly eased back into their yelling and taunting. If you think it's worth it to continue on in this and you think you can handle the stress, and if you think you're ready to risk it all, then I say, go to couples therapy to see what's going on with your relationship overall.

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Couples theropy is probably not an option because in her eyes, she is not a problem most of the time. She admits she has a problem but doesn't realize how bad it is making our relationship. And about her easing back into it, I can see her doing that, she's proven that to me already. I feel like I am stuck here and there is no way out without hurting anyone. Her family loves me, my family loves her, and when it comes down to it, we love each other very much. I am in love, but I don't think I can handle the stress, and I certainly don't want to regreat anything. What if I leave and then want to go back a week, a month, a year or years later? I'm beat myself up over it and won't be happy at all. Maybe I just look at the bad side of things, I don't know. Please keep the advice coming, I need it!

I'm usually against manipulation and reverse psychology but if it's for good then I'm all for it. Don't tell her that she is the problem. Tell her that you want to figure out what the problem is in your entire situation and why you guys fight so much. And you are not trapped. Being trapped is when you can't get out, but you can. You could easily just tell her what you're thinking, and if she ridicules you and turns your words into nothing but something for her to laugh at, then that will show you what your future will be like.
I usually don't support leaving someone when it gets tough, but when you're being abused (verbaly or otherwise) then it's okay. I know it's going to be tough, but think of yourself. Don't think of everyone else. And if you have to consider everyone else then think of it this way: How would everyone who cares for you and loves you feel when they see that you are suffering?"
Try finding a way to make her see that couples therapy is a good thing seeing how it's one of the few things I can see helping your relationship.

You don't have to sit there and be abused. You can take a break, and leave for a while and get your own mind together, without any pressure from her. You have that right, especially since she will not help herself, then you must help yourself. Heard you about the child, but better to leave, than keep arguing all the time.

All I have to say is if you ever have to think twice of if you should be with a person then duh!! You should not be with them. I learned that on my own sweety. I had to come back to reality.

Hi,

I was in almost the same situation as you a few months ago. My boyfriend and I dated for about 3 years, and I loved him very very much. We are both in our late twenties. He was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, would blow up at the smallest thing.. I mean completely lose it and be so mean to me sometimes. He would always apologize and say it would never happen again, but it always would. Each time it chipped away at myself esteem until I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I stayed hoping he would change and be the charming guy I fell in love with. And while I don't think he is a bad person, he was def bad for me. He had anger and depression issues... much like the way you describe your fiancé. I came to realize after much much heartbreak and many tears that I couldn't fix him, it was his responsibility to work on his issues. I guess I'm saying that I don't always think that love is enough. If she is making you question yourself, and making you unhopeful and depressed about the future, then it's time to get out of the relationship. I'm on my own now, and so much happier. I still miss him sometimes and it still hurts but I feel like me again. The constant anxiety is gone and I feel hopeful again. I didn't even realize how much I had isloated myself from everyone else in my life either. You sound like a sweet man, and I hope this has helped you. Emotional abuse is not uncommon, but sometimes very hard to understand. Email me if you would like to talk some more. =)

Well whatever you do, the "honeymoon" period won't last any longer with some new girl. Relationships are HARD!! No one is going to hand you a silver platter with the perfect woman who will never disagree with you. I suggest some kind of inter-gender communication. It can open up worlds when you realize "oh she's not being a or he's not being an , it's just because of blah blah blah. There is one specifically I took my boyfriend to called Defending the Caveman. It was amusing but also VERY informative. The speaker (male) ended it with "I.. . AM NOT.. . AN! "

Remember the passionate relationships (the fire-y ones at the beginning) will always be passionate (meaning fights if you don't communicate well) or fizzle out from burning too brightly. It's hard work to keep the fires burning. Please just don't take the easy route because it's "easy".

I think you could seek therapy for yourself. It never hurts, we could all use a little therapy. It took me a year of therapy to leave my alcoholic, abusive, ex-husband. If you are going to therapy, she may be more likely to go. If she still does not make an effort to therapy or make a change, then you know it is time to move on. I think you have already made that decision from your comments. You just do not want to be the bad guy. As far as the child is concerned, it is sad either way. The child should not grow up in an environment with all of the fighting or with partners coming and going. It is a no win situation for the child. I am sorry. Good Luck!!