Ask Me Help Desk - I hate her for no reason.

Okay I am 21 years old and I have a 3 month old little girl. Her dad has just decided that he wants to be in the picture now. We went through the whole DNA mess and all that. When we broke up I had no intentions of getting back together with him BUT I found out I was pregnant, those feelings for him are no longer there. However he is dating a new girl and it drives me crazy. He works out of town, and in my opinion he should want to see his little girl but he chooses to spend more time with her sometimes. I don't want to make him sound like a bad guy because he really has came around allot lately. But, its just that I feel like so many lines are being crossed, the mother of his girlfriend had the photographer that took her three month old pictures send her the pictures. She is not her grandmother! I would understand if they would maybe ask me, but its like they have to hide it from me or something. The thought of it really bothers me. I don't know how to get over this. I know I am young, and "I should talk to her" blah blah blah, but that doesn't help, its like everything I do something happens and again another line is crossed. While I was pregnant they talked so much crap about me, and its like now they want to be such a big part of MY DAUGHTERS life. I do not believe my child's father will be with girl forever, he won't I know this so what I am asking is how do I suck it up and put a smile on my face? How do I let it not bother me? I am not a mean, jealous, or spiteful person, but this is something new I have felt before, I hate her for no reason =(

"The whole DNA mess and all that" ? What's that about?

Anyway are you maybe feeling like you would want to give another try to make it work with him? Sounds like your just upset that he's with someone. I guess for now it's OK to tell them when you feel they are getting too close or too involved, unless he has visitation rights you don't have to allow them to come over all the time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lowtax4eva

"The whole DNA mess and all that" ? what's that about?

Anyways are you maybe feeling like you would want to give another try to make it work with him? Sounds like your just upset that he's with someone. I guess for now it's ok to tell them when you feel they are getting too close or too involved, unless he has visitation rights you dont have to allow them to come over all the time.

I mean we took a DNA test and all that to prove she was his, I honestly don't want to be with him, I hope he's happy with her, and yes when he is in town he will have visitations, I just want to know how to not hate her so much!

That is right. You can set ground rules and do that now, while your daughter is still young. Then stick to those ground rules. Do not feel sympathy or feel you have to go out of your way to make this guy feel better or accommodate what he wants. I know that sounds tough and it is, but if you let him walk all over you now, it will only escalate.

Is he paying child support now? Hope so. Still, that does not mean the door is wide open for him to come and go. His girlfriend needs to know the limits too. Sounds like she wants to be more like the mom, but maybe I am just showing my suspicious nature.

If you need someone to talk to about your rights please contact an agency like Legal Assistance/Legal Aid. Their services are on a sliding scale fee, which means for low income it can be free for some.

Good luck to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by shygrneyzs

That is right. You can set ground rules and do that now, while your daughter is still young. Then stick to those ground rules. Do not feel sympathy or feel you have to go out of your way to make this guy feel better or accomdate what he wants. I know that sounds tough and it is, but if you let him walk all over you now, it will only escalate.

Is he paying child support now? Hope so. Still, that does not mean the door is wide open for him to come and go. His gf needs to know the limits too. Sounds like she wants to be more like the mom, but maybe I am just showing my suspicious nature.

If you need someone to talk to about your rights please contact an agency like Legal Assistance/Legal Aid. Their services are on a sliding scale fee, which means for low income it can be free for some.

Good luck to you.

Okay I have been told to not "let him walk over me again and again" and her trying to be mommy is exactly what I am afraid of. I am an extremely nice person, my friends always tell me I am too nice, and now it's different, I was so mad at him for bringing his girlfriend to the photo appointment that I MADE( I invited him so he and our little girl could have some pictures made together) he brought her so him and his girlfriend could also have pictures made! At the appointmetn I made! I had never been so mad at him! When I told him how I felt all he could say was I don't want to argue with you. He isn't helping the situation, and he is paying for her Daycare right now...

You are in a tough spot for sure. I can tell that you feel this way about the new girlfriend because she is right there, just primed for playing the other mommie. Yes, I would be steamed too. It would have been right for him to make his own photo arrangements with his girlfriend and your daughter. That would have been the correct thing to do, not just pop up with her. That was rude. But then I am single Mom too and see things differently.

It is good he is paying the daycare. Still, that does not give him more say or leeway to take you for granted. I know that is easier said than done. You also do not want to become the b**** in this. But sometimes... we need to be... to protect ourselves and our children.

How to get over your feelings for the girlfriend - some of your feelings may come from insecurity. Your boyfriend did not waste any time getting together with someone else and this someone else is doing her best to be part of your daughter's life. YOUR daughter, not her daughter. But you will never stop being the Mom and you will come first in your daughter's life. I understand how you feel. One the keys here is to look at this girlfriend not as the enemy but accepting her as someone important to your baby's Dad. Does not mean she has to be your best friend but that you can agree with yourself that she will be some part of your life. Have you ever considered talking to a family counselor about your feelings? Maybe your pastor about this. Don't let someone tell you that your feelings are not important because they are. If you do not get to the point of where you can accept this woman then you will only build on that dislike. Something like that cann affect your relationship with your daughter too.

So take care of yourself.

You don't "hate her for no reason." There is actually a reason why you hate her. She bad mouthed you the whole time you were pregnant. So, she has left a permanent bad taste in your mouth. Now, she is muscling her way into your life because of your ex's ties to your daughter.

It might help you if you understand that her bad mouthing you was due to the permanent tie that was created between you and your ex. You became pregnant at the end of your relationship with him. She came into his life, and at some point afterward she found out his ex-girlfriend was pregnant with his child. She would now have to deal with it, and accept the baby as part of his baggage or dump him. Most women don't handle that kind of stuff well. Apparently, she falls into this category.

You don't have to like her. You also don't have to allow her to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. She doesn't hold any authority over you and is not in a position to demand anything except civility from you. Your ex is the only one that you need to be concerned about regarding visitation, financial support, and general parental discussions. If your ex paid the photographer for the pictures, it makes it difficult to keep anyone that he considers part of his extended family from asking and receiving a picture. But, if you paid for the pictures, you need to direct your anger at the photographer. He should not be giving out any photos to anyone other than you or anyone that you tell him you want to give one to. That is his fault and no one else's. And, if he did this, that is a huge no-no in the business world. He has a responsibility to his client and no one else. So, if this is what happened, verbally kick him in the butt for using such poor judgement.

The only way someone can cross a line is if we allow them to do so. Do not be a doormat. If something she is doing is making you uncomfortable, you definitely should speak up, but don't let your anger overtake you. Always keep your conversations with this other woman short but civil. If you know that she will be gone at some point, keep that in the front of your mind. It should make you happy to have something to look forward to. But, if she doesn't disappear, at least you haven't made the situation worse, and the two of you might be able to at least find a constructive way to communicate for the sake of your daughter. Take the higher ground and be the bigger person. Don't bad mouth her and don't say anything to her that would give her any ammunition to use against you. Leave her in a position where she will look like an idiot if she bad mouths you to your ex or anyone else. You do need to accept that at some point, whether it is this woman or someone else, he will settle down and your daughter will be a part of that person's life. Hopefully, for your sake and your daughter's sake, it won't be her. :)

P.S. As I was writing this, I didn't see the other responses. The GF needs to understand that she is not the Mommy, you are, and she does not have any legal rights. If you have to tell this to her face, say it. If you are a nice person, I am sure that it will come out nicely. She sounds like she is taking advantage of your kind nature and steamrolling you. If you can't develop the proper backbone that is needed here, then please do search out some counseling, as shygrney has suggested, and have that person help you find the right words to put this woman in her proper place.

Thanks you so much, its niv=ce to know that I am not a lunatic.. I will never do anything to make her fel out of place but I will make sure no lines are crossed, Thanks so much for your time.

Ruby is right - kill her with kindness, that way when she opens her mouth it will come back and bite her. Your hands will be clean. As much as you would want to kick her behind, you cannot afford to give her ammunition. But you do not have to take it either.

A side note - document everything. Get a notebook and write down who said, what was said, times and dates. You never know when you need that.

By the way Michelle, I added a P.S. to my post, so in case you didn't see it, please read it.

Shy is right. Definitely document everything. It just might come in handy. If this woman is as pushy as she sounds, she may try to get your ex to try for custody at some point. Cover your butt. Make it as difficult as possible for anyone to try to create issues for you at a later time. Do it quietly as a hedge against anything the future may hold. And, you should file for child support. Just an informal agreement for him to pay for certain things isn't good enough. He has a responsibility to your daughter. You need to show (court) documentation that you are doing everything necessary to ensure that your daughter is well cared for, and that includes the financial support from her father. If you don't use the money that he gives you, put it away into a college fund for your child.

Well, I am glad that you are clear that you do not want to go back with him. The person that you need to have a talk with is your ex-boyfriend. He is the Father of the baby and he needs to discuss with you any visits or anything involving the baby. You and his girlfriend have no business to discuss. That is his life and you need to let him know that anything having to do with the baby he will need to discuss with you. The fact that they got some pictures of the baby - the Father needed to have made prior arrangements with you if he wanted some pictures. I would also complain to the photographer as Ruby mentions above.

I think you have a right to be angry - when you were pregnant you wrote they talked about you. Yeah, no wonder you don't like them. And whatever the reason you broke up, it was still a loss. Now, after many months he has decided to come around for the baby's sake. And you feel angry and don't like the girlfriend - with good reason. This makes sense. Your ex is her Father and that is good that he is paying some things for the baby and wanting to see her. Your business is with the Father - he needs to deal with the girlfriend and her family. You have a right to feel bothered - this is your baby and your life. You don't want someone around you and your baby that has been unkind to you. Let him know that any arrangements, visits, etc. regarding the baby need to be discussed with you and no one else. Take care.