I have a friend that has been living with a girl for 4years plus, they have an 8mth old baby. This girl is a little on the psycho side, putting him out, burning all of his things, one day everything is rosey and the next day it's hell. We have been friends for 3years and I have been through a lot with him. Every time she puts him out, I pick up the pieces. He has been at my house for the last two weeks basically because he had no where to go, no family in this city. I care about him a lot. Up until now it's been a platonic friendship, we've just helped each other out. Since he's been at my house, we've been sleeping together which I know in the back of my mind there's a good chance he will go back to what he calls his ex. I've told him that my feelings were getting involved and he said nothing but acts like he wants more. I come home and the house is spotless, we curl up on the couch and watch TV, he helps me with my puppy, but I didn't push the issue because I know what he went through and I know he didn't want to jump out of one relationship into another. This girl he met at a friend's house last week has been calling and calling and calling he tells me to answer his phone and tell her he's not there. He calls me yesterday and asks me to come pick him up from her house that he got stranded but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings so wants me to call him and make a cock and bull story so he can get away. It backfires and he says to me this isn't going to work. I'm pissed off because he knows how I feel about him but he's cock blocking against me. I had a guy I was casually dating but doesn't want to come over when my friend is here because he thinks in the back of his mind that there is something going on. It's like he doesn't want to be with me but he's not making it easy for me to say I'm available to anyone else. This girl calls me last night at midnight wanting to know where her man was. I was like excuse me, I just don't get it. If you wanted a girlfriend then what the hell was wrong with me. He thinks that he can have his cake and eat it too that I'll always be around for a good lay and he's got another thing coming. I don't want to ruin our friendship or the benefits either. How do you keep your feelings out of it when you really do care?

[QUOTE=kaj675 He thinks that he can have his cake and eat it too that i'll always be around for a good lay and he's got another thing coming. I dont want to ruin our friendship or the benefits either. How do you keep your feelings out of it when you really do care?[/QUOTE]

I hate to break it to you but he is having his cake and eating it too. He gets to run around while you sit at home and make yourself unavailable to other men.

HE is the one ruining your friendship. He is mistreating you and disregarding your feelings. If I were you I would tell him he can stay but that you will be sleeping separately. If you don't stop sleeping with him he will just keep running you over. It sounds like he is a player and maybe this is why his ex was so "psycho"

Remember you have to do what's best for you not for him. Think of yourself and put yourself first. Its not being selfish its being good to yourself. You are worth more then he is giving you which is basically a "pump and dump". You want a relationship and he wants to run around - nothing is going to change here.

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Originally Posted by kaj675

How do you keep your feelings out of it when you really do care?

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So... this is really the ultimate question here. How do you get laid whenever without it all getting messy emotionally?

Well, that would require agreements on both sides, and right now, YOU are the one breaking the "rules"... personally, I think he is weak. He running interference with the woman he won't face and has a living hell with by using the woman he's screwing on the side who is putting off her other potential relationship. chaos follows this guy for a reason.

Anyway, is this desire terrible? Well, I'm not going to judge anything other than say you get, at most, what you demand. If this is what you want for yourself, you've set yourself up for it.

I once dated a girl who had a FWB attitude in the beginning. Shed had a long relationship blow up, we were attracted to each other, and she basically said "look, i want to hook up with you, but if you have other people you want to see, fine"... well, that's not how I work. We both ended up being monogamous and dated for a couple of years. Ended when the FWB was extended to another person. But while it lasted we had a blast, sexually, emotionally, etc.

So... I'm not going to judge your decision to have a casual sexual relationship. I just cannot see how its going to work when the guy is spineless about relationships. You say it wants his cake and to eat it, so do you so far, and you know that's why this isn't working for you. You are too emotionally involved to ignore the noise and you are taking it personally.

So you are in the all in or all out stage. You can't be with him without recognizing your feelings for him, and you can't lie to yourself about them. If you do accept your feelings it creates tension cause he isn't interested in making the effort.

Keep this up and you will be her. You'll be the girl you call a witch. You'll be the person whose emotions have been jerked around by a guy who doesn't have half a pair. Can't you see, regardless of the circumstances that led to his failed relationship, you are headed that way right now because you are emotionally attached to an emotionally detached person. What if you get pregnant? Have a child? Choose to terminate? Do you think he's going to be there to support you emotionally then?

No happy ending.

He might be a good guy in a lot of ways. He's broken enough though that a relationship with him isn't, at least until he steps up, sustainable. And... you know FWB isn't sustainable for you, even though you are asking for it.

If all you wanted was FWB then why would you not tell this to the other guy? The one you are putting on hold? Cause you are saving him for the real deal. Cause you really, really don't want FWB. At worst, you want FWB to lead into a relationship with your friend.

As it is, all you can count on is getting laid when he's willing, noise from his side and hers, and a bunch of emotional baggage that you have to fight with.

I have a friend who was had a FWB relationship with a guy who she's emotionally tied to. The sex is apparently great. After 15 years (yes, years) of back and forth crap she is depressed and no closer to a real, lasting relationship. She can't distance herself emotionally enough, and he's more than willing to screw her when she lets him. She didn't plan this. Didn't wake up one day and say this was the life she wanted. But she's still kidding herself, thinking that she can turn off her emotional attachment to the train wreck that rocks her bed now and then.

I think you can do better than that.

Yes I want a long term relationship. I'm 32 and I want a family of my own. I'm tired of the bs of a fwb that's like high school assed stuff. I want him to crap or get off the pot. If he doesn't want a relationship with me then he needs to let me move on and find what I'm looking for and quit acting like he really wants a committed relationship. I've told him a long time ago that I didn't want to go there with him on that level because I was attracted to him and I would only set myself up to get hurt. I know he's not man material and it will never be what I want in life. Now I'm afraid that I'm going to lose our friendship as a result and I don't want to do that. I can do without the benefits but I'm afraid it's too late that our friendship is going to be doomed. I do care about him and I wish I had never slept with him but I did and now I have to deal but I agree with you, you can't have sex with someone with no strings attached. Someone always gets emotionally involved. I just wish I could figure out what is wrong with me, I've been in 3 relationships 3yrs, 5yrs, and 1yr none of them have ended in what I'm looking for and I don't get it. I'm not ugly, I have a good job with potential for advancement, and my own place, I'm fun, easy to get along with. I don't know. I just hope we can put this behind and still be friends like we used to be.

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Originally Posted by kaj675

if he doesn't want a relationship with me then he needs to let me move on and find what i'm looking for and quit acting like he really wants a committed relationship. i've told him a long time ago that i didn't want to go there with him on that level because i was attracted to him and i would only set myself up to get hurt. i know he's not man material and it will never be what i want in lifee.

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He is not acting like he wants a committed relationship, he's telling you that's what he wants. He is saying one thing and doing another. When a person shows you who they are believe them. His actions say "I want to sleep with you and her and her and her and her"

Also, you say you want a relationship with him then say that he's not what you want in your life?

I'd say cut your losses. You may not be able to salvage the friendship straight away. You may need to get your attraction for him out of your system before that can happen.

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Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

I hate to break it to you but he is having his cake and eating it too. He gets to run around while you sit at home and make yourself unavailable to other men. .

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Very true, there are lots of men like that... not surprised

Men can have friends with benefits because sex to them isn't always emotional, it is just a release. A sad fact but reality. Very rarely can a woman keep emotion out of it and it is just built in. He is using you and you have no chance with him. You are staying with him in hopes he will come around and say I want you but that won't happen. He is getting what he wants from you and what would a relationship with you bring nothing more than he has now.

He is a Piece of Sht, end it with him now and stop fooling yourself. You are too good for this.

I wish it were that easy but I care and I can't deny that. I can find another man, I mean we've been friends for 3yrs and he's been through his stuff with his so called ex and I've been through breakups and we were there for each other. My ex got me evicted and moved out the day before I had to move and totally blind sided me and my fwb was there to help me move furniture for two days and only wanted a beer in return. That to me is what a friendship is about but I let my emotions over whelm me and thought it would turn into something I knew in the back of my mind would never happen. I have no one's to kick but my own. I would like to find a nice decent guy and settle down. I'm getting too old for all these games enough is enough. I thought I could change him but I'm glad I saw through it before I got too involved. Yes I say that he's not man material but I would have a relationship with him but that is the side of me that thought he might have a little decency and change since we had been through so much. I've come to realize that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm hoping things will go back to the way they used to, I miss my buddy.

Sadly, it won't go back to the way it was. You crossed a line in your friendship. I had a friend who slept with her best male friend and their friendship dies because she wanted more and he just wanted to sleep with her and they had been friends for 8 years.

Sex changes everything.

Well he moved back in with his ex girlfriend. He says they are trying to work their differences out. I told him I would be there as a friend but don't expect anything else. We agreed that we shouldn't have done what we did but we are going to remain friends just without the benefits. Thanks guys!! It didn't ruined it after all. :)

If she is truly that bad then he will leave her and when he does he will com to you and who knows if he loves you,you may be together time has a way of sorting its self out ifs up to him what he decides

I'm proud of you for standing your ground as his friend.. I wouldn't have been able to do it.:)

One thing is to stop enabling his behavior by letting him do whatever he wants without consequences. This is not friendship but a confused man going from one female to another. That's not friendship. Neither is giving him a place to stay when he has trouble at home.

I hear what you're saying, before we slept together it was a platonic friendship and I let my feelings get involved. This is the only time I have ever let him come stay at my house. Every other time it was hanging out having a beer or playing poker and he went home. I didn't want that part of our friendship to end. So I have to be strong and not let my guard down which I've done so far and will continue to do so. I can't let him get under my skin again. Wish me luck.

Good Luck, and be happy.

Well just an update, and I know some of you may think I'm a complete idiot but she put him out for good and I let him move in with me. He's been good about the whole thing and I told him that I wasn't into going through the same thing that happened last time and if that was what was going to happen he could find another place to stay. I said if you want something real in life and we can try to make this work then I'm willing to try because I can't deny my feelings. And he said that he loves me and he wants to at least try but that he was scared of his feelings because of what he went through with his ex. He said he didn't want to go through that again and get emotionally attached to someone. I said emotionally attached if you were that attached you wouldn't have been messing with me. And he said I was just scared and didn't want to get hurt. That sounds like something I would have said not him but anyway we are working on us and it's going pretty well. We get along so great, we enjoy the same things and we make each other laugh. Thanks everyone for all your support and encourage anymore. Will keep you posted on how things are going.

Two steps forward, three steps back. Just my opinion.

Honestly, I hope it all works out. If it doesn't, you know you have no right to complain. Many, many posts here start with "im with the perfect guy but"... and then its how he's screwed things up... lied and lied again... can't commit... etc... blah, blah, blah..

Oh well. Anyway, good luck. Here's hoping common sense is wrong this time.

I hear what you're saying but with my feelings this involved and the ex is out of the picture then I have to at least try. There are always risks in life in whatever you do. You are right if it doesn't work and I go through the same thing I have no one's butt to kick but my own. Like they say the first time shame on you the second time shame on me. And he hasn't really lied about anything, but actually been brutally honest at least with me now sometimes I didn't really want to hear what he had to say but I always knew exactly what he was doing whether I liked it or not.

Girlfriend, you need to get a clue. He is using you as a pit stop when things aren't going well at home, and you're letting him. He is not your friend and you are not his. You are a booty call.
Tell him he needs to handle his own problems because you have a life. Then I suggest you get one that does not include him.

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Originally Posted by kaj675

...This girl he met at a friend's house last week has been calling and calling and calling he tells me to answer his phone and tell her he's not there. He calls me yesterday and asks me to come pick him up from her house that he got stranded but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings so wants me to call him and make a cock and bull story so he can get away.

...This girl calls me last night at midnight wanting to know where her man was. I was like excuse me, I just don't get it. If you wanted a girlfriend then what the hell was wrong with me.

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OK, not lying to you... using you to lie to another person. My mistake. And brutally honest... really... how can you say that after you posted he lead you around and around..?

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Originally Posted by kaj675

i know he's not man material and it will never be what i want in life.

i've been in 3 relationships 3yrs, 5yrs, and 1yr none of them have ended in what i'm looking for and i don't get it.

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I think these lines, coupled with what's going on (taking him back two weeks after calling it done), tells a lot.

And I have no reason to hope for your unhappiness. I hope he steps up and is the man you need him to be. But you just can't have it both ways... you want support and advice... its been given from our perspective. Right, wrong. Given.

But when we are cheering your moving forward two weeks ago and then see this happen... again, I really do hope I'm wrong and I'm not trying to make you doubt yourself. I just am not good at being a bobble-head friend, you know, the ones that nod with approval no matter what you do.

Not matter what, pony up. It'll be a hell of a ride one way or the other.