Problem is usual one - D in L obviously resents us - we see it as a) she is a controlling person - says doesn't argue with her family - obviously she is the control factor in her family. We are long term married with one son - he was married before - and they have a child of 20 months another on way - we were so happy they were together/married as our son is now 50. Her family background is different, Father left them all at a very young age, mother remarried, she didn't like him and then he died, her Mother not in good health, fortunately we are, and it seems as if everything about us that is positive is negative about her family - we don't compare them with us, live 220 miles away and make NO demands, just ask that we can see them every 6 - 8 weeks - always something becomes a problem. Our son has one failure, obviously he doesn't want another and nor do we - she is a bright and clever woman, and I was hoping we could be friends, she has a Mother, and I respect that but now things seem to go from bad to worse - to our face she is pleasant, but always there is something wrong with what we do - or say - or even ARE - we love our little grandaughter but can raise no emotion about new baby - feel we shall only become more distressed if we become attached. What are we doing wrong? What can we do right?

This is a tough situation as your son will feel he is in the middle and will feel he needs to please everyone. Which is impossible. Have you sat down and talked to your daughter-in-law and son and explained what you have explained here? That nothing you or your husband does seems to be right in her eyes? Was she this way before she was pregnant? Did she do this from the start of the marriage?

If you have the chance to sit down and talk with them and clear the air, that would be great. If there can be a compromise, even better. Sometimes it does happen, that relationships cannot be what we hope them to be. In that case, to accept that she and your son love each other and be happy for him. Do your best even if it means biting your tongue sometimes. You do not see them that often, so there should be some calm and common ground where you all can be respectable to each other. Suggest that they come to visit you and your husband and see what the response is.

Hopefully your son will see how this is bothering you and will put forth the effort to include you and your husband. This is a delicate situation and wishing you the very best in coming to an agreement on dealing with your daughter-in-law.

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Originally Posted by warspite52

Problem is usual one - D in L obviously resents us - we see it as a) she is a controlling person - says doesn't argue with her family - obviously she is the control factor in her family. We are long term married with one son - he was married before - and they have a child of 20 months another on way - we were so happy they were together/married as our son is now 50. Her family background is different, Father left them all at a very young age, mother remarried, she didn't like him and then he died, her Mother not in good health, fortunately we are, and it seems as if everything about us that is positive is negative about her family - we don't compare them with us, live 220 miles away and make NO demands, just ask that we can see them every 6 - 8 weeks - always something becomes a problem. Our son has one failure, obviously he doesn't want another and nor do we - she is a bright and clever woman, and I was hoping we could be friends, she has a Mother, and I respect that but now things seem to go from bad to worse - to our face she is pleasant, but always there is something wrong with what we do - or say - or even ARE - we love our little grandaughter but can raise no emotion about new baby - feel we shall only become more distressed if we become attached. What are we doing wrong? What can we do right?

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Speaking as a daughter in law who is in control. What you have to understand is that she is in control as I am because your son her husband doesn't care. He is probably happy to relinquish all control to her because it makes his life easier. Please don't make the same mistake my MIL made by not talking to me about her problems. She spoke to her son about me on several occasions about her problems with me but never spoke to me directly. If you have a problem sit down with the both of them before you become more angry than you already are. And again another mistake is being manipulative and attempt to assert control yourself. Don't do this it will only push them farther away. Good luck. Sit down, talk with them and be honest but not mean and you it may go better than you think it will.

Tn mom