In a shaded place stars will lust for surety
As I rest in your arms aware of your security
Captivating my heart to paramount destinations
Your touch shall illuminate all obscure locations

Sensations like milk and honey I once would fantasize
Until the yearning for your world led me to the skies
You raised me high enough into another galaxy
And when I beared suffication, your spirit let me breath

Your eyes lured my existence into an illusion of devotion
And when I grasped it existed, I couldn't control any emotion
I was instantly distracted by the innocence traced in your soul
For approaching such an angel had eternally made me whole

Yet being such an aide of God had gotten me in a daze
Since receiving such affection could make any heart blaze
You set my entity on fire without burning any form or view
Just melting all this sanity apart so this life can become anew

Whereas your appearance in my presence is an absolute bliss
Or as if phenomenons occur knowing this rapture forever exists
For every moment I experience is encountered with your grace
And because of this reality, I'll never return to that shaded place

It's a wonderful poem and very romantic, but it's too "rhymy" and that makes it sound schoolgirlish, childish, sing-songy. Free verse would have been a better choice. Can you rewrite the lines and loosen them up? Then you will have a sure winner!

I think its wonderful but the last 2 lines in the second stanza don't rhyme. Other than that I really understand the poem. You should write more.

Lol wondergirl, I went from a post were you replied "it needs to rhyme more" to this one, where you say "it rhymes too much!"
Good poem :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Karly

In a shaded place stars will lust for surety
As I rest in your arms aware of your security
Captivating my heart to paramount destinations
Your touch shall illuminate all obscure locations

Sensations like milk and honey I once would fantasize
Until the yearning for your world led me to the skies
You raised me high enough into another galaxy
And when I beared suffication, your spirit let me breath

Your eyes lured my existance into an illusion of devotion
And when I grasped it existed, I couldn't control any emotion
I was instantly distracted by the innocence traced in your soul
For approaching such an angel had eternally made me whole

Yet being such an aide of God had gotten me in a daze
Since receiving such affection could make any heart blaze
You set my entity on fire without burning any form or view
Just melting all this sanity apart so this life can become anew

Whereas your appearance in my presence is an absolute bliss
Or as if phenomenons occur knowing this rapture forever exists
For every moment I experience is encountered with your grace
And because of this reality, I'll never return to that shaded place

---

Really like it, great for visualizations. I dig the analogy about the honey. It works