Ask Me Help Desk - 5 year anniversary just passed - but are we kidding ourselves? Divorce?

We just had our 5 year wedding anniversary but I believe that we're trying to fool ourselves into thinking we're still meant to be together.

Over the last couple of years, things have been very difficult. I'm very passive and try to avoid conflicts. One night I went out with a few friends, got drunk, and got a lap dance at a strip club. I tend to be sneaky about things but I always treat her right.

We've been to counseling. We don't have sex often - just when we thinik we should because we want a family. I know it sounds crazy to be thinking of a family when I'm contemplating divorce. I know kids can bring a husband and wife closer but they can also amplify the problems that already exist.

I'm very confused. I think that, regardless of what's happened, we both deserve to be happy. She's voiced to me that she doesn't feel the spark that was once there - that there is no physical attraction. We don't kiss - we're not affectionate. She has a terrible temper and yells often.

Help me.

Marriage counseling should be tried before you just give up on each other, learning how to talk and listen to each other, to solve your problems together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Marriage counseling should be tried before you just give up on each other, learning how to talk and listen to each other, to solve your problems together.

I agree completely. We've been to 2 counselors and have been with the most recent one for 5 or so months. We somewhat recently stopped because we figured we could 'take it from here'. I'm going to suggest returning to the counselor but I don't think she will go for it.

I think that the problem with this world is people getting married who aren't completely sure that they will be together forever. Figuring that out is the hardest thing to do. If you guys felt it was going to last forever and EVERYTHING was right, then I believe that you both need to find out the problem and work on it. I know you might know this, but ill say it anyway, marriage isn't something to do lightly, it's a statement to the world that you have taken time to make sure that this person is your one and only love for your life. NO ONE DOES THIS ANYMORE. Find that romance or "spark" you had. I personally do not believe in divorce. I think its taking the easy way out of a hard situation. When you got married you said until death do you part. If you got problems and want to break that pact, then why'd you get married in the first place? I think the divorce rate is so high because too many people get married on a whim or because they like each other and the a s s they get. Honestly though, if you really do feel you got married for the right reasons and you loved each other then work it out. Neither of you are perfect. Work on it. If you have tried to work on it but want to divorce still--clearly there is more work to be done. Ask yourself why do I want to divorce? If you divorce your just adding to the divorce rate. Makes me sick actually. I feel sorry for people who can't work out the problems because they clearly don't know how to or have the will to. I mean no offense to anyone, but my feelings on divorce are strong. Frankly the only people that should get married are the "love at first sight ones" REAL love. The kind you just know is love. I am currently engadged (3yrs) and I don't like my fiancé sometimes. But I love him always. We have our moments, but unlike everyone else we know where we stand. I will never get a divorce because I am totally sure of the compatibility and love we have. This is what others need. I don't know what problems you have, but somewhere you both forgot the most important thing. To love each other. In sicknesss, health, good and bad. To talk to each other and work it out as soon as the problems arise not months later. If you want the marriage to work you need to step up even if she wolnt. Tell her you'd like to work things out. Go out on a date or do something together. Get to know each other again.

I really hope you can save your marriage. The only time that I personally would agree with divorce is when the other partner feels like they never loved this person to begin with Let them do the divorce papers. It'd be a cold day in hell before I wrote them first.

I don't know if there are kids involved, but sometimes a separation or time apart can let the dust settle on disputes, and give both of you time to reflect.

havenlock agrees: great answer

I'm glad you agree, I was worried id offend. :-) Glad I made sense as well.

I will definitely agree with the previous answers 100%. However, if someone might have been offended by the response...I'd say, sometimes the truth hurts. So many couples enter into marriage with so many unrealistic expectations. But being that the marriage is "new" they don't want to offend their mate, so they don't discuss the things that are bothersome. The other problem a lot of new couples have is while one complains, it falls on deaf ears. Either way, one or both build resentment toward each other which eventually becomes a wall.
I will point out though, you wrote "One night I went out with a few friends, got drunk, and got a lap dance at a strip club. I tend to be sneaky about things but I always treat her right." I'm willing to bet that it was more than just one time, and the justification that you are sneaky but always treat her right...define RIGHT. How could you be treating her right if you are sneaking around behind her back? I hate to say it, but she isn't having sex with you because she doesn't want sloppy seconds. Granted, you may NOT be sleeping around behind her back, but you are not open and honest with her. She senses that and will interpret it the only way she can...that you don't value her as a person let alone as your wife. If it was okay to go to the strip bar and fully justifiable...you should be able to tell her you are going and her not feel slighted. If that's not the case, then you need to not 2nd guess the marriage, it's intact. You need to seriously reflect on your personal values, dig deep and find out why you feel it's okay to disrespect your wife, when did it turn OR did you ever hold her in your heart where you should have?
From the original post, it sounds like you don't yet have kids. By God, keep it that way until you sort your out! Kids don't necessarily bring couples together. But children don't deserve to take to be brought into the world by you only to be listed as minor priorities BEHIND your wife and her needs and your marriage and it's needs. Let's not forget that we are products of our environment...we don't want you modeling these behaviors for the little ones to pick up on and pass to the next generation. Nip it in the bud, get YOUR priorities straight...then go back and fall in love with your wife all over again and sweep her off her feet!:)

Did she ever say why she's not physically attracted to you anymore (I'm assuming she found you attractive at some point, otherwise she wouldn't have started dating you)? Did your appearance change much over the past five years? Do you keep yourself well groomed and try to be attractive for your wife? Do you have habits (e.g. passing gas, belching, etc.) that might put her off?

I've gained 20 lbs in the last couple of years. I guess it's time to get rid of it huh? I'm 6'0, 205

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Originally Posted by havenlock

i've gained 20 lbs in the last couple of years. I guess it's time to get rid of it huh? I'm 6'0, 205

It can never hurt to stay in good shape, mostly for your own benefit, but I was just throwing stuff out there that might be a turn-off for your wife.

Have you asked her why she isn't attracted to you anymore? It might not be so much a physical issue as a general problem in your relationship. Do you do things together as a couple? Do you have common interests, friends, things to talk about, etc.