Ask Me Help Desk - Surprise party for ex?

Hey guys you've been helpful to me lately so I thought I'd throw this one out there and see what you think. My ex and I broke up about 9months ago and after a month of no contact we've been talking quite regularly. He broke up with me, but he's usually the first to contact me these days. We get along well and though there are still some feelings on my part, he only wants friendship (and he actually puts some effort into our friendship though it's not as much as I want of course. Lol). Anyway, he's been living out of state for quite some time and is finally moving back here. What I want to do is throw him a surprise welcome back party with another of his friends (she's my friend as well) as an accomplice. The only problem with this is that I'm afraid he may take it the wrong way (I don't want him to know that I have a few residual feelings for him) or that it'll be hard for me to see him (I saw him recently in person and it was terrible and wonderful all at once). Do you guys think I should do this for him? He is one of my good friends after all even if he is my ex and I want to retain the friendship. If you think I should, should I keep it a secret that it was my idea and just pretend to be another guest? Thank you for your responses!:p

I hate to say but it sounds as if you are trying to win him back. It won't work. It seems that he just really wants to be friends. You should keep it on a friendly level or you may lose what friendship you have now. Maybe you can offer to take him out for a beer and pizza rather than doing something like a surprise party. He may think that if you put all that effort he might be obligated to act a certain way, maybe more affectionate than he wants.

A beer and pizza is an informal way to spend time with him, without putting him in an akward situation. Plus you will be in public so he will be more relaxed about that too.

Hope this helps some.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilverSong86

Hey guys you've been helpful to me lately so I thought I'd throw this one out there and see what you think. My ex and I broke up about 9months ago and after a month of no contact we've been talking quite regularly. He broke up with me, but he's usually the first to contact me these days. We get along well and though there are still some feelings on my part, he only wants friendship (and he actually puts some effort into our friendship though it's not as much as I want of course. lol). Anyway, he's been living out of state for quite some time and is finally moving back here. What I want to do is throw him a surprise welcome back party with another of his friends (she's my friend as well) as an accomplice. The only problem with this is that I'm afraid he may take it the wrong way (I don't want him to know that I have a few residual feelings for him) or that it'll be hard for me to see him (I saw him recently in person and it was terrible and wonderful all at once). Do you guys think I should do this for him? He is one of my good friends after all even if he is my ex and I want to retain the friendship. If you think I should, should I keep it a secret that it was my idea and just pretend to be another guest? Thank you for your responses!:p

Okay girl. For me to help you answer your own question, I need you to answer my question first. Are you trying to be friends with him because DEEP inside you still hope for some possibility? No, don't say no too quickly. Only you will hear your own answer. If your answer is yes, no party. If your answer is no. Sure, have fun. It's normal with the residual feelings but that's not the same as secretly wishing and hoping something might happen again. Again, only you know the answer.

If unforunately your answer happens to be yes, I still secretly hope something would happen, I suggest you keep a distance from him for awhile until all the residual feeling reduces to a minimum. Note how I use the word reduces. Sometimes the feeling won't be completely gone, especially when he did the break up. It's okay. But you have to acknowledge (which is very important( to yourself such feeling and know what is about then you will be okay to move on.

Also, if you still have feelings for him after awhile, be careful with the word "friendship" with him. No friendship is true friendship if there is a condition on it. For example, I can hang out with you only if your girlfriend is not around. That's not a friendship and it won't last.

Good luck!

I honestly don't know what I want anymore. I really thought he was the one and getting over my disillusionment has not been an easy journey. I want him to be happy and I know that it would mean a lot to him to see all his friends (he really really missed them while he was gone and they've been a guiding force in his life). I'd love to do that for him, but I'm not sure if I should see him. It's hard for me to be around him. I'd love to have him back, but I'm not going to make any moves from my end. A friendship will be a bit painful for me (at least at first), but I want him in my life and if that's just as a friend, then all right. We hung out briefly in person a few weeks ago and it was wonderful, but I was very sad again when he left especially with the realization that he we were only friends. I've not been talking to him lately so that I can deal with all of these feelings, but I know that I will always love him in some form or another and I wish him the best. I hope I don't sound like a martyr. That's not my intention and sure I've wished that he wouldn't find anyone else and end up coming back to me, but I think this experience has really helped me grow and I'm trying to focus only good intentions on him (and yes sometimes that is frustrating because it puts me in the weaker position) and move on with my life. Thank you for your responses you guys have very valid point!

Definitely NO party. You still want him and ifyou did not want him you probably wold not even be thinking about throwing I'm a party because you would not be to worried.
You needto let thisone go completely and no more contact with I'm becauseit will only cause more pain for yourself. Is an ex and leaveitas that find yourself a ew guy who wants to be wit h you and treat him to a great time and your ex will soon be gone and you know what by that time he will probably wnantyouback..

Bad idea... you're going to end up getting hurt if he doesn't want you back and he might just get freaked out. I know you think you're doing this to be a friend, but truth be told, part of you if not all of you wants him back.

Frankly I wouldn't do it. It really doesn't sound like there's all that much to this. He broke up with you and, by your own admission, he doesn't put as much effort into your friendship as you want. I'm sorry, but I don't think it's worth you spending the time and money to put this together. If someone else wants to do it and you want to attend as a guest, that's fine, but I wouldn't go beyond that.

Hello Silver:

X's are x's and never will be your friend. That's the way it is, and that's the way it should be.

excon