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My husband and I fight so much . I can be annoying. I want to know what I can do to be a better wife so he is happy.I take good care of our children. My cleaning could be a little better. But I'm not sure what else I can improve about myself. I really need our marriage to work. Any suggestions?
I would contact your local women and children's center. They can provide housing that is safe for you and the children. They can help you get things like a driver's license and a job. You would have a roof over your head and food in your belly. And you would be safe.
He doesn't have all the control. If you feel you are in danger - get out now before any more hurt can happen.
Here is a phone number for Safe Horizon. You can call 24/7
800.621.HOPE (4673)
EDIT:::: Here is the website also.
Safe Horizon
I agree with you that it would be best to get out of that situation right away, and I'm glad you realize that! If the abuse starts to get out of hand, I suggest contacting the police and telling them about it. Also, try to focus on what you love... your children! Once the police are notified, ask them for help on filing a divorce. You may then need to spend time planning out a way to receive your license. My community provides a driver education class, and most do, so while you attend that, scrape up the money to have a babysitter watch the children, do it while the children are away at school, or walk them to a nearby daycare center. They could use a little exercise anyway, right? My mom can't drive either (she's legally blind), and I'm sure it's a TERRIBLE thing to go through. Start looking through your newspapers at home or while you're at the store for a "Looking to Hire" or "Needed" headline. It doesn't have to be a high-paying job... you can work you're way up there! Just try to stay strong, and tell yourself that you are determined to be independent. You want a great life for and your kids! GO FOR IT! Best of luck!Quote:
Originally Posted by zozobean
I was that guy tkdgal. Except for the umentionables. He will never stop... he will never quit. He is insecure about himself. He has low self esteem and I'm guessing he doesn't like going places with you and is very jealous. I don't want something bad to happen to you... my best advice to you is, sit him down, tell him "(your husbands name here), I'm scared of whats happening to you, I dont know what you are becoming. I want us to get help." TELL him... you love him and only him (thats if you do love him). He's really insecure so remind him that he can depend on you. Here are some things about counseling you should know. Its completely confidential about the past, whatever he has done and admits to doing in counseling is completely confidential. No one will ever find out. The only ones that will know are you, him and the counselor (therapist or ref). You have to do this soon or it could get worse or you will do something you will regret. My wife left and took my two kids and if my wife would have told me these things... I could have not reasoned against the logic. An abuser DOES know what he is doing. If you don't believe me, ask yourself, does he hit others, does he hit his boss or friends, does he hit you in places where its not visible? If the answer is no to most of these... he is able to control himself but not with you. Help yourself by helping you and your family. Good luckQuote:
Originally Posted by zozobean
ZoZoBean, it looks like you edited your original post. What happened?
Nowwhat, Did it read differently. The answers I have read and the original post is different. What happened? I was going to answer but now I would like to know why the original post was changed. Maybe because the answers that were given were not liked?
I agree with everybody above.
Time to leave and get out, but if you chose to stay in that situation it is your own problem. No one else's, you need to be strong enough to stand up and get out before anything else happens.
Joe
(I just want to add to my previous answer)
Do you want to fix your marriage or run away. My wife is gone, I have no idea what she is doing but if we could have got help, I think we could have communicated better. When we met it was the picture perfect start. Something happened though, I got addicted to the good times I guess and tried to duplicate them with anger and fear instead of love and compassion. Help yourself and him before your marriage falls apart and you are left with no choice but to leave. You can leave and go to a shelter and find safe haven there... but if you love you will talk to him, and if he's not retarded he can find you. Its so (f_ing) for an outsider to say, "Just leave", or, "Divorce the bastard." That's a personal emotion that doesn't apply to what you might want. Perhaps you want him to be a good father and only him. Perhaps you want a good marriage. Take the higher path and MAKE him go to counseling. Show him you are strong for your whole family. Show him that he can lean on you when he can't even lean on a wall. Its your life though. Take the easy route and run for all you can and take what you can... or... learn what to do. Look up websites and show him what he has become. I have read stories. I've been seeing a lot of women and even men saying that it's a situation you have to run away from. Its not for everyone for some it is. YOU decide where to go and what to do. Look it up more, open his eyes to what's happening to both of you... open yours and his to what's happening. What you both are facing is a common paradigm that is making marriages fail. Wishing the best for you all.
Joe, read the second post - they quoted her with the original. My answer may make more sense. :)
Yes, sorry I missed it at first. I re read the post that quoted the original and understand completely now.
I agree with everybody above.
Time to leave and get out, but if you chose to stay in that situation it is your own problem. No one else's, you need to be strong enough to stand up and get out before anything else happens.
Joe[/QUOTE]
Yeah... scare her even more. She wants her marriage to work, not fall apart. There are ways to make an abuser realize what he is doing
DarkJoker, read the 2nd response. That is the original question.
This woman is getting verbally and emotionally abused. How many beatings must she take before HE wants to change? Is it the beating where he kills her?
OK. Now What... you should have capitized "want" not "he". You provide a want and supply a need. First step is supplying the need to change, and running away is not the perfect answer, just the easiest. Satisfying the need is another thing. Helping him understanding that he NEEDS to change is the hard part.Quote:
Originally Posted by NowWhat
Sorry, Running when the safety of yourself and your children are involved are not the easiest thing to do.
Sometimes, you have to hit rock bottom and lose everything to realize what you have and the fact that you don't want it gone.
So, you think it is all right that this guy is abusing his wife? That he is laying his hands on her and hurting her to a point that she is terrified? That's okay?
No one deserves that! NO ONE! When he kills her - is that when he has gone to far for you?
Hmm... let me think. I think you are over dramatizing this. You don't know her situation. If she is able to even post a question like this on the internet, and have the chance to ask these questions... then you might know what its like to be her. She has the chance to run, that chance never goes away. It not for either of to decide... only provide options. Marriage counseling for abusive relationships can work. The truth sets loose what is contained and has to be released. The truth is that both have something to say to each other. Its up to them to decide. And to me it sounds like she wants him to get better and not worse. If you run... he might get worse or it might open his eyes. He could say, "yeah sure hun... good idea. I'm glad you went to a shelter and exposed me. I'll just have to kill you next time." No, fix this thing now, marriage is good in God's eyes but abuse is not. Its not wrong to leave, but its not right to quit. MAKE him get better... she has options and she trusts the internet to provide answers... not closed minds. You can run if it is that unbearable or you can actually have a chance to speak some sense to you husband zozo and help him realize what you both are becoming... people suffering.
DarkJoker, do you hit your wife? Do you find that acceptable behavior?
It sure is coming across that way. Have you ever known an abused woman? Trying to save herself and her children?
Closed Minds? Whatever.
Removing yourself from the situation is not giving up. You are giving yourself safety! If she wants him to stop hitting her and he won't - what next? Does she tell him in mid swing that "Honey, I think it is time for counseling."? Is that how that works. And he just magically looks at her straight in her black eyes and says "sweetie, I think you are right".
Darkjoker, you can not make somebody get better. You can not change or force change on anybody. An abuser, the only way to get away from them is to leave. That is the only and best option. It is not about closed minds but the truth of the situation. You make it sound like she has control over changing her husband but that is not true. Each person can only change for themselves. He has not been willing to change so maybe by losing his family, by them leaving him. Maybe he will turn a new leaf. It is never okay to abuse any spouse, it is not right and is grounds for somebody leaving.
It could save her life by leaving.
EDIT ::::::::
I also agree with Nowwhat that it comes across that you find it okay and acceptable behaviour?
Look... gang up on me. I "was" an abuser. They are not getting abused every second of the day... they abuser has times when he can be reached. When that time comes... make that commitment. Its not acceptable... have you been abused Jesusehelper76 or Now what?? Because I have been and I never knew that I would say that I was one... its hard to understand what you are doing and why you are doing. No man I have met have been able to admit that. I CAN.
It takes a very very serious situation for a man to kill... and I am in the army... and to kill isn't easy. NO MATTER THE TARGET. Don't scare her into leaving or running. There are millions of options because the english langauge is very confusing at times... I pray for you marriage and you and your husband. If you both fix your stuff... you kids will be completely fine
Well, while you are busy patting yourself on the back - someone is getting abused. Possibly her children as well.
Any "man" that can do that - well, does he really deserve to get a second, third chance?
And to answer your question - I have not been physically abused. Someone near and dear to me has. And, I speak for her or in her memory.
When there is any kind of abuse physical or emotional or sexual. The tendencies are to repeat the same thing and pass it off to somebody else. The excuse about not knowing what your doing or why your doing it is just to pass the buck. It is just an excuse. It is each individual choice whether to continue with the abuse, or stop it and not let it continue. Just because somebody was abused does not mean the abused naturally become the abuser, and if it does happen it is not right for the abuser to pass off the buck. Each individual has their own choices to make.
It is never okay to abuse somebody, there is no excuse for that kind of behaviour.
Whatever. Women can change just as men can change... how to make that change comes about is up to her. I'm just saying... the marriage can be saved.
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