Did she have a personality disorder?
I am trying to work out whether my ex has a personality disorder or whether we were just emotionally incompatible?
I have had relationships - several. Most of them good.
3 years ago I met a girl who was down on her luck and very jealous and posessive and demanding on what she wanted - ALL OF MY ATTENTION. She was a bit of an oddball and her social skills were bad - not that she was not intelligent - she was just abrasive, grandiose and had no emotional understanding of others so would give cold v sensible advice without being asked.
There were lows and highs but for most of the time she was insistent on living her life through me which made me feel very responsible for her and her happiness. WIthin weeks of meeting she gave up her job for me and wanted to come and work with me - I own a small company. WIthin months she wanted to marry me and live together. She had previously been in a marriage for 7 years although refused to talk about any of that time with me. I told her that we needed to know one another first and that came with time, so she sold her flat and moved into a flat a 5 min walk from my home. I had been single for 2 years having come out of a 7 year relationship so wanted to take things slowly. She seemed to offer everything in many respects and seemed extremely victorian and old fashioned in her values in terms of what a relationship ought be.
The relationship was very on and off - I would get to the point where I felt caged by her and unable to breath - my wanting space was seen as a big rejection. She HAD to be in my bed every night. When we did split I would get bombarded with texts and letters - she even had a set of my keys cut and stormed into my flat on one occasion when I had asked for some time alone. Would check my mobile and break into my hotmail etc etc...
She had one or two vague friends and was not close with her family and would tell me that I was her first love and had never felt like this about anybody despite one living with a girl for 7 years and having matching tatoos on her arm from a previous relationship.
I am a quiet caring type and am fairly independent and need my space and interests. She did not approve of either of these things and would be on dating websites whenever I was out with friends or doing evening interests which would really upset me. She would say she did it because she was lonely so I felt sorry for her - and more responsible.
I found her to be very emotionally needy - of attention attention and more attention. Any requests for a life of my own or interests or space was viewed very negatively. She even came diving with me on one occasion - despite not being able to swim - nearly drowned... I would suggest to her that she out find a job and find friends and interests and that I was not responsible for her happiness. She would end up in nightclubs - though did start getting interested in polotics... It got to the stage where by if I spent an evening out with friends it would provoke a v hostile reaction and accusations of me not wanting to intergrate her fully into my life. I did not - when out with her she was like a leech - would glare at any woman who she did not know who I spoke to or who looked at me (with a very intense almost evil stare) and be very curt with most people who would talk with me or overcompensate and be overly familiar with friends of mine she did not know. It became a bit embarressing to socilaise with her. She never said anything positive about any of my friends or my family - my friends were all emotionally ed up and my relationship with my family was weird? As she had very few interests of her own other than me she also lacked much to talk about...
For a quiet life and because she could be an assertive V selfless girl in many respects I forgave and chose to see the good side of things. Sexually I feel the intensity of all of this made our sex life amazing. It was amazing. I think the intensity of our dysfunction made up in the bedroom. She was always always asking me to tell her that I loved her - it got to the stage where I could not say it - as I felt more pity. She then began to wear me down calling me a cold emotionally dead robot - selfish - self centrerd etc etc
Anyhow back end of last year I could take no more and ended it - pleading with her that I needed space and that I felt that my life had been hyjacked. I was by then a bit all over the place and hitting the bottle a bit... I had lost my life compass...
We met during this period and I told her that emotionally we were very different people and that it could not work. She seemed a bit upset but accepted it which I found very surprising - in fact attractive - I felt that maybe she had grown and realised and that there was potential for growth.
However I then get a text telling me that she has met someone new - a brazilian waiter who is 24 and that they are moving into gether. Now don't ask me why but this has left me devistated. They have now been together for a few months and even now it allows all of the projection from 3.5 years together - that I am cold, uncaring, heartless, insensitive, a robot, selfish, self centred etc to be questioned by myself. As she is with this new guy (there is a big age gap - she is 40 - and imbalance which I can see) and appearingly very happy (or is this my imagination) it leaves me feeling alone rejected and at fault...
I am questioning whether there is personality disorders involved - I know I got co-dependent to an extent - but my therpist suggested she may have boarderline, narcessistic or obsessive compusive - or a mix -
It has left me feeling really rejected, used and f***ed up. And has left me questioning who I am and what my life is anymore.
Now when we spoke (we have not for over a month now) I hear that she has stolen my narrative / viewpoint regarding my take on our relationship together - and has somehow poisoned my mind into beliveing that she was right?!
She says that had she not met her new boyfriend then she would want to be with me, but I left a door open and she loves him too much to risk returning to me but misses me and suggests that I was abusive to her?
My mind is going a bit wobbly!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. It is though her bigger than life self and demanding over confidence has infected my brain!