Ask Me Help Desk - I don't want to divorce!

My husband separated from me for several months already.We still see each other a lot because of 2 little children.We went out as a family at least 2-3 times a week.He still come and have sex with me at least once a week.Is he just selffish or should I keep trying to get him back?

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Originally Posted by Celine3791

My husband seperated from me for several months already.We still see each other a lot because of 2 little children.We went out as a family at least 2-3 times a week.He still come and have sex with me at least once a week.Is he just selffish or should I keep trying to get him back??

Having been divorced, I can offer a little help. I think he may be seeing you for both sex and for your children. It will be necessary for you two to remain on good terms for your children, as they will always be there. As a man, I think maybe he is having a hard time separating because of the children and because you both still enjoy sex with each other. But, it only takes *one* person to want a divorce, and there is nothing you can do if he has made up his mind. I think at this point it is becoming harder for you since he still comes around all the time. At some point, you need to corner him and either get him to committ to you and your children, or to start divorce proceedings so you both can move on with your life. Just because you may still like each other or love each other doesn't mean you can remain married. I think he owes you a decision by this time as to not cause you any more pain.

If you aren't together then you should end the bedtime frolics immediately! If you are separated to figure out how to work things out, then you can't figure that out in the bedroom. You two need to sit down and talk. I would tell him that if he wants to work through your differences to see if you can come back together then you want him to come to counseling with you. You should also tell him that his visits with the children will be visits with the children, and not you, from now on. Tell him you feel it is important that he form an individual bond with the children because of the separation. Then you must tell him that there will no longer be a physical relationship outside of marriage.

I don't know that he is being selfish as much as he is human and if he can get what he gets, then why not? I also don't think you should keep trying to get him back. You need clarification as to if he feels the relationship/marriage is worth saving and if so, how you will do this. In my opinion, having weekly sex is NOT the way, but therapy to work on your issues/problems can be.

I hope this helps.

Hugs, Didi

I believe it is wrong of him to leave, but come back for sex (oh - and the kids of course!)... he can't have his cake and eat it too, you deserve an answer from him, and I would think that until he is able to provide you with that you should stop sexual activity with him... it's a sign of weakness in you - he will think he can walk all over you and you need to demonstrate that you are strong, if only for your children's sakes.

He is being selfish, but that is not to say that you cannot resolve whatever issues you have... people can stop being selfish if they want to. Be strong, tell him that he can't have it all, he needs to make a decision - he might even find your dominant approach to the issue attractive! None-the-less, you need to let him know that you love him, you want to work things out but he can't use you like he is right now. You have feelings too and whilever you have an active sex life, you will feel that there is hope for the relationship - I hope for you that there is, but if there isn't then he needs to indicate that to you.