Ask Me Help Desk - He only has sex when he is drunk.

I have been with my bofriend for about five years. He will only have sex when he has been drinking and 90 percent of the time it is me satisfying him. This problem has been here since the start of our relationship I can only remember us once at the start giving equal sex to each other with him straight. I wondered if I smell so shower constantly and definitely if I think there is a chance for sex. We have had many fights and discussion over this and he tells me I do turn him on. When we do have sex I can wank him and give him orall sex for ages and get nothing in return when he does touch me he never gets of his back and it feels like a token effort and usually I have to be touching him at the same time.When we are having sex (giving him oral etc.) he is always saying things like wouldn't it be great if another girl was watching etc. as if he needs some sort of fantasy happening.I have explained to him I don't get of on giving oral as such but I get excited knowing he enjoys it which turns me on but obviously I don't give him that same reaction. He gives me peck kisses and hugs when he gets home etc. and cuddles me most nights in bed he never passionatly kisses me or caresess me so when I get my token tickles I have no build up so don't get much out of it. He has a small penis which I don't have an issue with and he knows that and it doesn't seem to bother him when I am giving him oral sex, though he usually comes from oral sex etc. as intercourse isn't a hugh thing because of his size and he seems to really enjoy coming that way. I find myself crying most Sunday nights as I know it will be another week before he will be drinking and the possability of sex. He shows me love in other ways and I'm sure he doesn't cheat on me and as I said this has been a problem from the start. He has said he has never enjoyed going down on women which I can kind of cope with though obviously miss that terribly. He is forty three and I'm thirty eight and have both been in long term relathionships before (so know what I'm missing) He has no trouble holding an erection when I'm giving him sex so that's not an issue. Please help me as I'm tired of crying and feeling so hurt (it really does hurt )and rejected and asking myself over and over what's wrong with me why doesn't he want to touch me.

In two words - DUMP HIM.

Why continue in this self defeating behavior? Why tolerate this form of abuse? Why allow his drunkenness to continue to affect your life? You are not happy and you are not lilkely to get happy any time soon with him.

You say you know what you are missing. Then it is time to close the relationship with this guy and then take some time for yourself. Find ways to take up your energies in positive and healthy ways. Seriously consider going and talking to some professional - be it a counselor or a pastor - and discuss this relationship with that person. Perhaps that person can help you see just how seriously destructive this relationship is. You know where it is going to end up and you know where you will be at the end. In a pit, buried in the rubble. Don't you deserve better? Yes you do. You know you do.

No man or woman is worth all the pain you have described. Yes, there are times when couples argue and have hurt feelings, but healthy couples work through those times. Your's is not healthy and I don't feel it can be one of the saved relationships.

Let him go and let yourself find meaning in life again. Best of all to you.

In adult relationships, sex is important. Granted, it's not THE most important thing but it is up there and sexual incompatibility is a huge cause for break ups. You should evaluate and weigh your options. You know what you're missing. And if you found someone you were more compatible with sexually, you wouldn't be missing the current BF. ;)

... Then again, there's always the option of toys! :P

Good answers.

If you REALLY do love him tell him he is going to lose you, if this continues.

You need some time by yourself (SEXUALLY I MEAN-yes masturbating A LOT!). You need to feel what you want need done to/for you. By this I believe you will have the courage to as suggested earlier, dump him should you feel he refuses to care for you(care sexually and emotionally) No sex isn't everything, but when you are treated that way you describe-it hurts bad!

Best wishes and get in some ME time-dump him if he refuses to comply-you deserve better.

Get him to a treatment center for alcohol abuse or dump him.

Thank you for your responses. I know things will never be any different and when I try and talk to him about it he blames me. He never looks at the issue but by how I'm reacting. The problem is I do love him and I know I'll never be happy with him but I don't know how to move on.

You move on by knowing it's going to hurt, but doing it any way.

Don't let him make you his drunken sex toy for the rest of your life! You deserve someone that is going to put YOU first, too!

Sounds like maybe he thinks you'll tease him because of his size down there so being drunk helps with that. Have you ever tried initiating during the week while he's sober? As far as leaving I know exactly how you feel, it's probably one of the hardest things to do to leave someone you love, but think about yourself right now. I don't know if you guys have kids or what not, and don't think your age has anything to do with it, my mother found true love at 39 so it's not impossible. Well good luck...

P.S. Help mother Earth out and stop taking so many showers, get some body spray if you think you smell, which I doubt you do.

This may be a control issue for him. He may like to be in control of how much love, sex when, how, and where. Is he controlling in other aspects of your life? He may be lazy. Is he a go getter or laid back? Or he could be just plain selfish and not give a damn about how you feel as long as he gets off. Give this a try. Get him to the edge of climax. Get Up and go in the other room. (don't finish him off let him wait a week). When he ask what's wrong ask him how it feels. May be he will understand. It may start an argument and he may be pi$$ed, but oh well he doesn't seem to care if you are upset. The next Sunday when we started to have sex and he did not particpate I would stop having sex with him and focus my attention on me and start pleasing myself right in front of him. He could watch me and my toys or get up and leave. Get prepared and let him know that you aren't taking his crap anymore. Oh, about the other girl watching of course he would love that, it would be even less work for him. Maybe he could even have her work on getting him off as well. Boy that would be a stroke to his ego, 2 sex slaves instead of one!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nicole150896

I have been with my bofriend for about five years. He will only have sex when he has been drinking and 90 percent of the time it is me satisfying him. This problem has been here since the start of our relationship i can only remember us once at the start giving equal sex to each other with him straight. I wondered if i smell so shower constantly and definetly if i think there is a chance for sex. We have had many fights and discussion over this and he tells me i do turn him on. When we do have sex i can wank him and give him orall sex for ages and get nothing in return when he does touch me he never gets of his back and it feels like a token effort and usually i have to be touching him at the same time.When we are having sex (giving him oral etc.) he is always saying things like wouldnt it be great if another girl was watching etc. as if he needs some sort of fantasy happening.I have explained to him i dont get of on giving oral as such but i get excited knowing he enjoys it which turns me on but obviously i dont give him that same reaction. He gives me peck kisses and hugs when he gets home etc. and cuddles me most nights in bed he never passionatly kisses me or caresess me so when i get my token tickles i have no build up so dont get much out of it. He has a small penis which i dont have an issue with and he knows that and it doesnt seem to bother him when i am giving him oral sex, though he usually comes from oral sex etc. as intercourse isnt a hugh thing because of his size and he seems to really enjoy coming that way. I find myself crying most Sunday nights as i know it will be another week before he will be drinking and the possability of sex. He shows me love in other ways and im sure he doesnt cheat on me and as i said this has been a problem from the start. He has said he has never enjoyed going down on women which i can kinda cope with though obviously miss that terribly. He is forty three and im thirty eight and have both been in long term relathionships before (so know what im missing) He has no trouble holding an erection when im giving him sex so thats not an issue. Please help me as im tired of crying and feeling so hurt (it really does hurt )and rejected and asking myself over and over whats wrong with me why doesnt he want to touch me.

I TOTALLY know where you are coming from on this question. I am going through the same with my boyfriend and everything you are feeling is exactly what I was feeling... IS IT ME? Well, I even ask if we can have sex and let him know that I am horny but nothing. We also have argued hours on end about this problem,but he doesn't feel that there is one. I however didn't like the answer that someone responded to because just because of sex isn't a good enough reason to leave someone. If you love him make it work. HAve you looked into maybe purchasing toys? Maybe you taking that step would be a turn on into actually joining in? The website Adam and Eve is a great site with tons of different toys and couple items that I'm sure would not only help you out but maybe turn him on as well? It's just a thought... I know where you're coming from and I wish I had a sold answer to give you. However when you find out let me know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nicole150896

I have been with my bofriend for about five years. He will only have sex when he has been drinking and 90 percent of the time it is me satisfying him. This problem has been here since the start of our relationship i can only remember us once at the start giving equal sex to each other with him straight. I wondered if i smell so shower constantly and definetly if i think there is a chance for sex. We have had many fights and discussion over this and he tells me i do turn him on. When we do have sex i can wank him and give him orall sex for ages and get nothing in return when he does touch me he never gets of his back and it feels like a token effort and usually i have to be touching him at the same time.When we are having sex (giving him oral etc.) he is always saying things like wouldnt it be great if another girl was watching etc. as if he needs some sort of fantasy happening.I have explained to him i dont get of on giving oral as such but i get excited knowing he enjoys it which turns me on but obviously i dont give him that same reaction. He gives me peck kisses and hugs when he gets home etc. and cuddles me most nights in bed he never passionatly kisses me or caresess me so when i get my token tickles i have no build up so dont get much out of it. He has a small penis which i dont have an issue with and he knows that and it doesnt seem to bother him when i am giving him oral sex, though he usually comes from oral sex etc. as intercourse isnt a hugh thing because of his size and he seems to really enjoy coming that way. I find myself crying most Sunday nights as i know it will be another week before he will be drinking and the possability of sex. He shows me love in other ways and im sure he doesnt cheat on me and as i said this has been a problem from the start. He has said he has never enjoyed going down on women which i can kinda cope with though obviously miss that terribly. He is forty three and im thirty eight and have both been in long term relathionships before (so know what im missing) He has no trouble holding an erection when im giving him sex so thats not an issue. Please help me as im tired of crying and feeling so hurt (it really does hurt )and rejected and asking myself over and over whats wrong with me why doesnt he want to touch me.

You said "small size" but didn't tell us what that means; CM/INCH length. Maybe needs to see Dr. Good luck.