A story between Love and Pain
Here is my story. Is a little long, cause its about 2 years story.
I meet this girl about 2 years ago (we are adult, I am 27 and she is 26). In that time, she was with someone else in a 4 years relationship which was already dead from from 1 year. I mean there was no more relationship between them, he took her for granted, and she didn't felt any feeling or love for him anymore (these are the words she used to tell her best girl friend about their relationship), only as a friend. She even was avoiding his kisses. But she was hesitating to finish that relation, even because it was a routine and boring situation, but she was a little afraid of going to knew other people and so on. Well, in that time, I came to the picture. First she didn't want to do anything with me, but as time went by, we came to the point of kiss. Well, I was insisting to became more than a lover to her, but she was hesitating and being afraid that this relation won't last, cause we used to live 2 hours away from each other. I told her that I have the possibility to come and see you every weekend (she did it also a couple of times, I should admit this), and we can talk every day. So, after 1 month like lovers, she asked me if I'm ready for a serious relationship, and she broke up with him, and we began our relation. Well, I should say, that none of us expected such a good time between us. I can say that this relation last for 2 years. We had everything what a relationship should have. I mean, love, feelings, caring about each other feelings, gifts (there were gifts from both parts), trips, memories, anniveraries, honesty, deep emotions, great sexual life also, etc. We got a lot of memories together and we have a picture for any moment of it, and we both can't forget them even if we try. She even told me I was her best love, that she feels so happy with me, I make her feel like a woman, and that she feels in the center of the universe, that I'm being so deep inside her life, etc. I don't want you to think I am pathetic or sort of, but this is the real story and I believe in those emotions and feelings. Even knowing the fact that she always cherished about my feelings. And she was really deep in me. She did those casual things to make me feel even better emotionally in this relationship. She was feeling romantic, cause only someone who really cares, can call you without any real reason, just to hear your voice and tell you that she misses you. She even made me some Cd-s with romantic songs. Well, I have to say all the detaigls of this relationship, how I felt, and how she felt, because I want to know the truth and don't want to be pathetic. She also used to sleep in my home for 2 days, and I went to her home also, well for repairing her computer, but in fact it was for meeting her parents. She always knew that I used to fight all the time for her happiness. In December she even asked me to go for a 3-4 days trip together (on cristmas) but in the same time she won a MA in Usa, so we declined that trip, cause of her stuff about the MA. Anyway. Just wanted to illustrate it better to you.
I have to admit that the only point where we were not with each other yet, is that because I was prepared for something bigger, but she was not yet. Well, I have to admit that I was an egoist and wanted to leave her, because of this. I have to admit, that I never saw her crying like that. You know, there is cry and there is Cry. She even begged me to not leave her alone. This happened in December. I used to stay, because I realized that I really love her, and I don't want her to be unhappy. Anyway.
In January, she told me that her ex was asking her for some answers, why she broke up with him and so on. I told her OK, its not a big deal. On the same time, I felt a little jealous, because I know what he really wanted. All the time she was with me, he used to tell her that he loves her etc. She even told me about this, and I said to her that maybe she should not see him for a while, until he understands. She told me that he is a good friend to her, and she uses to treat him as a friend, and that he will have no chances. Anyway, In January, they talked about what happened, but after that, things began to change. I mean, I thought I was feeling insecure, but in the same time there was some kind of coldness. Well, I began to be a little more jealous and so on. Well, there were some argues about this stuff, cause I was feeling no more careness from her, and so on. On the other side, I knew she was meeting with him time after time, and knowing the fact, I got more insecure and jealous. She told me I'm being too worried, there are no threats to our relationship, the only problem was our communication. Well, this game of argues continued for about 3 months. I was even making a break with her, cause she was not appealing to my feelings. After 3 months she told me that she doesn't feel like the same, that the bliss is not like before and so on. I thought this was because of our unhappy times, and I changed a lot of my behaviour. Well, good times came again. At least so seemed out. But after 1 month of calm situation between us, I found out she was cheating on me with her ex!
Well, I used to read a mail of her to get the truth. She was open to her best girl friend and told her everything. Here is a part of her mail:
"Things between us are going a little cold. I mean he used to be the same warm one, but i feel a little cold. Since i won the MA, i dont feel the same anymore (i guess she doesnt care about anything anymore since she won the MA). I have no nerves to break the relation in this time, so it will be easy for both of us when i will come to Usa.
On the other side, i used to have a long conversation with my ex about the stuff of the break up. He understood so good everything. I didnt told him that i used to had an affair on him with my current boyfriend. On the other side, i feel so good when i am with him, we have a lot in common and this brings us even closer, he understands me so good.
Since April, we are being very close, you know what i mean. I messed the things up but i can't do anything now. Its not comfort for me, but now he is being the Lover. Its nice because now they changed their roles :). Well i dont feel comfort, but at least its not such a big problem cause i see my boyfriend once in a week."
Well this is a part of the mail. I just wanted to illustrate it to you. It come so bad and like a bomb to me. I never never thought she could do such a bad thing to me, knowing the fact that I was always there for her (maybe a little wussy behaviour of mine), and all I wanted was a harmonic relationship, and I was working really hard with it (I changed even my behaviour). I never thought she would go back to her ex, knowing the fact that their relationship was dead long time ago (1 year before the breakup). So I used to break up with her immediately. I know, I made a big mistake after the breakup (I found the phone number of this ex, and I wrote him a dirty sms about him and her). It was very irrational thought, but what can I do now, my mind was exploding.
Well, even knowing this fact I wanted to communicate to her for a last time, at least to understand why. I used to tell her I'm sorry for this behaviour (the sms).
Well, I came to the point that I'm going to make this question to you. All I know is that I still love her, and this is true and pure, even what she did. I know, this cheating really hurts, and I couldn't deal with it for a long time (2 months since the breakup). But recently I'm feeling much better, I mean that I can control myself and my thoughts, even trust was broke so deeply, I'm that kind of guy who understands and who believes things can work, and I send her a mail, letting her know that I would like to know what and why everything happened. That I'm willing to listen, speak, understand and forgive.
I used to ask her for not hating me about that behaviour, and she told me she doesn't hate me, but she just doesn't feel like speaking to me, and she doesn't know how long is going to last and that she needs time for this talking (she said this 3 times during this 2 months of breakup). The last time she said me that she needs time to see me in the eyes again, and that everything was interrupted to brutally, she never imagined. She told me what remains are those memories corrupted by the ugly last events.
Some time it seems like she is finding a way for letting me go without hurting me, but on the other side I know as she knows that I need some answers, at least to be clear with my mind.
Im ready even to understand and forget her for her behaviour, not because she and that relationship was really important to me, but because I know that I had also a couple of bad behaviour, which I should work on. I know there was also a lack of Attraction. I want to make this clear to her, but I'm afraid it will not be such a good thing to let her know that I want to work things out on this relationship. I will show no self respect, and on the other side, she may feel this like I want to make revenge on something or that I can't forgive or even trust her again, if we get back together again. Also, I don't want to loose her even as a friend, knowing the fact we used to be a part of eachothers life for 2 years. I know there are a lot of things we still can do together (from my point of view). I was thinking to go to the No Contact phase for 1 month, and than call her again and see if she wants to meet me before she goes away. It doesn't matter she will want or not, cause in that time it will be much easy for me. What do you think? I think that things can work again, but I don't want to tell her that this is what I want, cause I will lose my dignity and it will be interpreted like I have no self-respect. On the other side, I want to find an indirect way to tell her that I really want things to work again, when time comes, but I don't know how.
