Ask Me Help Desk - Married 37 years and getting extremely rocky

My husband and I married when we were 16 years old. We have three sons and 8 grandchildren. My husband spent 20+ years in the Air Force, now retired. During his tour in the Air Force, alcohol was a very big thing and due to this, he is an alcoholic. We have had many problems over this, but I have stuck with him. He also has a friend from childhood who is of a class lower than ours. Here's the problem:

His friend has cause me much grief during our marriage like not being able to keep his hands off me. I handled this myself mostly because I was afraid that my husband would only get angry at me and cause problems in my marriage so I handled the situations. Now his friend is divorced, then widowed and now living with a woman much older than him and is back in the picture. I have told my husband about him touching me and grabbing me and this means nothing to him. I am so hurt over this. I want my husband's loyalty and love as I give it to him, but he will not give up the childhood friendship for me. I have told him that it's either him or me and I lost, he wants his cake and eat it too. There is so much more that I am not telling you, that would be book form.

What would you do in a situation like this?

Hello

Sending you a Great Big Hug...

Lets look at this in a few steps.

Im sure your husband didn't pick his friend over you, he needs both of you in his life for different reasons.

First he will never give up his friend and you can't ask him to do this. I know his friend isn't much of a friend and you can see that but to your husband he is still a big part of his life. Its like holding on to the past and at the same time knowing he has a security blanket for the future. I also know your right it should be you that he depends on not his friend but that's another story with way to many years past to change that now.

Next... Im sure to your husband, his friend isn't trying to be sexual to you he is flirting and playing around. At least that's how your husband is going to see it because if not then he would have to see his best friend as the jerk he is and that would hut to bad to deal with.

Now lets see what can be done to correct the problem...

A well placed movie camera would sure help, get his friend on video making a move on you and you telling him NO and he keeps trying. This would first be used to explain to the friend if he ever gives you reason to use it you will show it to your husband. If that doesn't work then show your husband that his friend isn't just flirting. BUT try to stop the friend without your husband knowing. If you have to show him the video it will force him to drop his best friend and that could hurt your relationship also.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dennis777

Hello

Sending you a Great Big Hug...

Lets look at this in a few steps.

Im sure your husband didn't pick his friend over you, he needs both of you in his life for different reasons.

First he will never give up his friend and you can't ask him to do this. I know his friend isn't much of a friend and you can see that but to your husband he is still a big part of his life. Its like holding on to the past and at the same time knowing he has a security blanket for the future. I also know your right it should be you that he depends on not his friend but thats another story with way to many years past to change that now.

Next... Im sure to your husband, his friend isn't trying to be sexual to you he is flirting and playing around. At least thats how your husband is going to see it because if not then he would have to see his best friend as the jerk he is and that would hut to bad to deal with.

Now lets see what can be done to correct the problem...

A well placed movie camera would sure help, get his friend on video making a move on you and you telling him NO and he keeps trying. This would first be used to explain to the friend if he ever gives you reason to use it you will show it to your husband. If that doesn't work then show your husband that his friend isn't just flirting. BUT try to stop the friend without your husband knowing. If you have to show him the video it will force him to drop his best friend and that could hurt your relationship also.

Dennis, Thank you for your reply, but as I said, if I told all, I would have a book. My husband's friend's advances have been sexual, for example, putting his hand down my blouse, patting me on the rear, etc. I have told my husband this and I have been made to feel like I am nothing but trash beneath both of their feet. I have asked his friend why in the world he would do something like this to his "best friend's wife" and his answer was "It was offered." This answer really put me in a tail spin! Nothing was "offered" to him, he took it and should I decide to put my marriage in jeopardy, it would be with someone who had looks and/or money and he has neither. He is unemployed and his appearance is gross and he is also an alcoholic. Your idea of video is great, but he does not come over here any more, my husband goes where he is. I don't know how to put it into words other than "I want my husband to love and honor me" as we said in our vows and I feel that he does not believe me and that I am the entertainment for the two of them now. My husband has made me feel cheap and I hate that feeling. I am even considering divorce over the booze and his friend.

If your husband hasn't resepcted you for the last 30 years, why do you expect him to do so now?
Do you honestly even think he has the capacity to change, even if he wanted to?

It sounds like you were holding on to a dream that once your husband retired and was away from "that crowd", he'd magically change into the man you secretly wanted him to be.

It sounds like your husband has chosen the alcohol and his buddy over you - and that hurts...

I see little reason for you to remain in a situatuion where you are valued "lower than trash".

Let me tell you what I would do. I would tell him to keep his f***ing hands off me . If he did not I would pick up something and knock his head off. Then I would call the cops! What a piece of crap of a friend. As for your husband 37 years is a long time. It is highly unlikely that he will change. Ask yourself if you are willing to continue putting up with him. I am sure that you are a very strong woman.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bushg

Let me tell you what I would do. I would tell him to keep his f***ing hands off of me . If he did not I would pick up something and knock his head off. Then I would call the cops! What a piece of crap of a friend. As for your husband 37 years is a long time. It is highly unlikely that he will change. Ask yourself if you are willing to continue putting up with him. I am sure that you are a very strong woman.

And I did this. I called him everything but a human being and asked him if this is how best friends treat best friends. I did slap the s*** out of him, but I guess to some men, this is foreplay. I don't know. I love my husband and I don't want things to end, but I know that this is my only choice. He has shown me time and time again that he is not going to give up his friend or his booze and he just does not believe that I will leave him. I have been sleepless for nearly 48 hours because my brain is just buzzing with all of the "what ifs" but I know the answer, I am just not ready to say it out loud. Thank you so very much for your input.