My boyfriend is a widower of 5 years. I am very close to his 14 year old daughter, but she is highly dependent upon her dad and becomes anxiety ridden whenever he's away from the house during the early evening or at night. She is never alone in the house, as her 16 year old brother is always in his room.
If my boyfriend visits my place at night, even if only for 30 minutes or an hour, she is calling my phone and his phone multiple times to track him down, even if she knows he's with me. Then she'll send a text message or two and he'll write her back.
I'm worried that this is encouraging her dependence upon men. I'm also worried that he is playing into her anxieties and not soothing them by asking her not to call or text unless there is an emergency.
Am I correct in my assumptions?
I would like a night alone with him without the multiple phone calls.
Your input is appreciated.

I am sorry but you do not have the right to "a night alone with him without multiple phone calls" from his daughter as long as he is a father. You are a girlfriend but she is his daughter. He is a dad first and a boyfriend second. His children should come first. That is his first priority and his responsibility until they are grown. Her mom died and her dad is all she has. She probably hasn't been away from dad too much at any time is my guess. Losing one parent was more than she should even have had to deal with and dad being away probably has her worried half to death whether it will happen again. You are not dealing with a girl who is dependent on men she is dependent on not losing another parent. I would seriously seek to have some more compassion for her. I don't know how long you have been in the picture but maybe you could suggest that she might want to talk to a counselor to help her with her fears of losing another parent (the only one she has left) and the, if anything, possible detachment anxieties she is suffering. Until then, until she learns some coping skills, she needs him. She needs to be reassured that he is still there and always will be. Telling her not to call or have contact with him when he is away from her will probably only freak her out worse and make her anxiety that much worse. Maybe you could talk to a counselor yourself, if this is a serious relationship you plan to stay vested in, to see if that could be the possible reason and possible ways you could help her and get some time alone for the two of you.

Wow... seems an anxious one.
She needs to address her anxieties, worrying like that could lead to a nervous breakdown.
Maybe proffessional help, counseling, or something.

Tawnykids,
I seriously did not ask for blatant phsychological abuse, only help with his daughter. The issue is not about he and I having time alone together, the issue is the mental health of his daughter, whom I care very deeply for. I've known the family for 10 years, and I love them dearly. Please don't let your own anger and fears reflect onto those you are attempting to help.

Cal823,
Thank you for your logical response. I will suggest counseling to her father. Hopefully this can help.

I agree with Tawny about the problem not being a dependence on men but a dependence on a parent. But I don't agree that you aren't entitled to a night without phone calls. At 14 with 5 years since she lost her mother, she should have gotten over at least some of her fear of losing another parent. For her to be so clingy to her father, indicates there are significant bereavement and dependency issues that require counseling.

I'd also like to say, in Tawny's defense, that your initial post did not display a great deal of concern for the girl. It came across that your primary concern was not being bothered while you spent time with the father.

I also think you need to work on your relationship with the girl. She needs to feel comfortable that you will be a stable part of her life. That will help ease her anxities over her feelings on losing her father.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

I agree with Tawny about the problem not being a dependence on men but a dependence on a parent. But I don't agree that you aren't entitled to a night without phone calls. At 14 with 5 years since she lost her mother, she should have gotten over at least some of her fear of losing another parent. For her to be so clingy to her father, indicates there are significant bereavement and dependency issues that require counseling.

I'd also like to say, in Tawny's defense, that your initial post did not display a great deal of concern for the girl. It came across that your primary concern was not being bothered while you spent time with the father.

I also think you need to work on your relationship with the girl. She needs to feel comfortable that you will be a stable part of her life. That will help ease her anxities over her feelings on loosing her father.

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This is great advise, thank you.

Yes, I would like to spend time with the father alone, but that isn't my initial concern. I can see him alone at other times. The issue is her extreme dependency.

I do have a tremendous amount of concern for her and want to help any way I can. Our relationship is strong, but she has a difficult time opening up and talking about emotions, etc. I think counseling is an excellent suggestion.

Thanks again.

I am sorry if you did not agree. I don't believe it was "psychological abuse" but rather truth. The way in which you posted your question led the reader to believe you are more concerned with having a night alone with your boyfriend and not her mental health and sounded a bit as if you were just trying to suggest she has an unhealthy relationship with her father to justify it. The way in which you stated the situation implies that you believe she has an unhealthy relationship with her father and men in general but you provided no other examples of this possibility being the case.

I am a single parent and see all too often children getting pushed to the side for or by the "new boyfriend/girlfriend" and that does anger me. I feel that sometimes it has to be "blatantly" pointed out to people that these single parents are parents firsts. Being that your closing plea was "I would like a night alone with him without the multiple phone calls", and not I am greatly concerned for her, how can I help her? It implies more of a selfish need.

My response was not meant to upset you but rather to help you see a different side of it. I am very blunt in my replies because I don't feel sugar coating things helps anyone really (and a lot of times here you only get one shot to "reach" a poster). But I did not call you any names or belittle you, simply gave a point of view. But do realize that can come off harsh, so I apologize for offending you.

Scott is right also in that I would hope after 5 years she would be in a better place with it and able to let dad away for more than an hour. But it is easier for a 14 year olds mind to be "alone with her thoughts", especially at night, and allow herself to begin to think the worst. So, unless there is something else going on with her, I just think that really speaks to the depth of her fears and worries with regards to this. She was only 9 when Mom died right? Maybe she was simply too young to be able to put it in the right place and move forward without being so clingy to dad. Maybe that is the only way she has learned to manage/cope with what happened and that is why her reactions are more that of someone this has happened to recently and not 5 years ago?

Anyway, with your further post and detail of your 10 year involvement with this family it is now more clear that you are vested. It is good that she has you as a friend and someone to care for her. I hope the counseling helps her get to a better place and helps to allow Dad (and you) to have more of an ability to move forward in your relationship.

I do wish your whole family the best.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tawnynkids

I am sorry if you did not agree. I don't believe it was "psychological abuse" but rather truth. The way in which you posted your question led the reader to believe you are more concerned with having a night alone with your boyfriend and not her mental health and sounded a bit as if you were just trying to suggest she has an unhealthy relationship with her father to justify it. The way in which you stated the situation implies that you believe she has an unhealthy relationship with her father and men in general but you provided no other examples of this possibility being the case.

I am a single parent and see all too often children getting pushed to the side for or by the "new boyfriend/girlfriend" and that does anger me. I feel that sometimes it has to be "blatantly" pointed out to people that these single parents are parents firsts. Being that your closing plea was "I would like a night alone with him without the multiple phone calls", and not I am greatly concerned for her, how can I help her? It implies more of a selfish need.

My response was not meant to upset you but rather to help you see a different side of it. I am very blunt in my replies because I don't feel sugar coating things helps anyone really (and a lot of times here you only get one shot to "reach" a poster). But I did not call you any names or belittle you, simply gave a point of view. But do realize that can come off harsh, so I apologize for offending you.

Scott is right also in that I would hope after 5 years she would be in a better place with it and able to let dad away for more than an hour. But it is easier for a 14 year olds mind to be "alone with her thoughts", especially at night, and allow herself to begin to think the worst. So, unless there is something else going on with her, I just think that really speaks to the depth of her fears and worries with regards to this. She was only 9 when Mom died right? Maybe she was simply too young to be able to put it in the right place and move forward without being so clingy to dad. Maybe that is the only way she has learned to manage/cope with what happened and that is why her reactions are more that of someone this has happened to recently and not 5 years ago?

Anyway, with your further post and detail of your 10 year involvement with this family it is now more clear that you are vested. It is good that she has you as a friend and someone to care for her. I hope the counseling helps her get to a better place and helps to allow Dad (and you) to have more of an ability to move forward in your relationship.

I do wish your whole family the best.

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Your clarification is appreciated, thank you. I love her as if she were my daughter, and yes would love time alone with her father without the multiple calls, but mostly my concern is for her and her future relationships. I have a son, he's 15, and an incredibly well adjusted child for having experienced the divorce of his parents at an early age. I put him first, always have and always will and understand how important our role as parents is and that the children come first.

I am enormously thankful for everyone's input!