Ask Me Help Desk - Adult daughter with baby

I have an adult (22 yr old) daughter with her 2 year old baby that lives with me. She has been in and out of work for the last 2 years not keeping a job for more than 2-3 months. She doesn't help with the baby unless I "ask" her to watch the baby even though she is home or with her friends "chilling and hanging out" all day instead of looking for a job. The days that she keeps the baby and the baby doesn't go to the sitter, she says that the baby doesn't want to eat (? ) and is fuzzy. Now, let me tell you that this baby is not fuzzy and has a good appetite and eats almost everything, but somehow when "mommy" is watching her, she doesn't want to eat. When I get home at 6:30 pm the baby is waiting for me to "feed" her because all of the sudden she is hungry.
Other than that, the baby takes he naps and is well taken care of, but of course, mommy has nothing else to do, right? I know that is constantlyon the phone or the computer (My Space) and puts a couple of movies so the baby can watch and stays out of her hair.
The baby is not hurt and is clean, but what bothers me is that she doesn't eat.
I know that my daughter smokes pot andnow I am learning that she is taking Xanax (not prescribed) because she is under stress for not finding a job. I think she spends most of her days wasted and sleeping instead of psneding quality time with the baby.
This week I am taking the baby back to the sitter, because I want her to stay in her routine and she is with other kids and eats. Her mother is supposed to be looking for jobs, but I know that would be hard because last week I took a day off to take her to fillout applications (she doesn't have a car because hers broke down and she has NO MONEY to fix it) and somehow no one has called her back.
I can not afford to keep taking days off to drive her around while she is high and doesn't remember the next day. No wonder nobody calls her back!!
People tell me to kick her out of the house but I am afraird that the would take the baby with her (even if she doesn't have a car). I am not going to give her money for cigarettes anymore and will make it hard for her to see if she gets the hint, but my friends and family want me to call Child Protective Servcies (Florida) and report her. Ifi I do that, they might make her take parenting classes, or go to a rehab/drug free" place to get help, but I don't know if this is true.
I do not know if I want to do that, because how about if tey take the baby away, even though I have been taking care of her for the last 2 years and have been supporting her and her mom.
I am confused ...I am supporting my daughter with her "problem" instead of making her responsible, but when I make her responsible and stays home with the baby, then the baby doesn't eat or take naps. The baby suffers. I much rather take the baby to the sitter for a couple of days a week so she can have some routine and if her mom is not working, have her stay home with her.
If I call the CHild Protective place, she will be asked to leave the house and she will be pissed with me forever... and who knows if I will have the baby with me.
Just want to end up this message by letting you know that I love my daughter very much and her daughter more than anything and would not like to lose them.
What should I do?
Thanks for you opinions.

It sounds like you are in a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation and I'm really sorry you are having to go through this. I have no experience to give you. I can only suggest researching what exactly could happen if you dealt with CPS. More often than not, CPS will designate a family member to care for a child while the parent is getting help. It does sound like your daughter could be depressed. Would she go to a counselor? Being able to talk to someone impartial could really help. The escapism of smoking pot can be a sign of depression and taking xanax without a prescription could be very damaging. My thought is that she really needs professional help, be it the family doctor or someone in the mental health field.
Hope something here helps. If anything, being able to talk in this format and find support will be helpful for you. Keep us updated on how you and your family are doing.

I hate to say this,but the baby deserves to be with someone who cares more about her than getting high.Taking xanax and smoking pot are two downers,and more than likely your daughter is asleep whle caring for the baby.As long as she is eating xanax,she will never get off her butt and look for a job.You should keep taking the baby to the sitter,and also get your daughter up and literally make her leave the house when you do.You may have to change the locks,but she needs to go,or she will continue to party while the house is all her's.She may never straighten up,so you may be headed for trouble between you and her,but this baby deserves better than this.I have a friend who lost both her children because drugs meant more to her than her children.Even after losing them she still chooses to party,rather than make a change for the better.You are a good mother,but now you have to be tough,and see what means more to your daughter.:)

She is an unfit mother. Maybe you should kick her out. I would get advised by an attorney first before doing anything and see what your options are because obviouly the child is not being cared for properly unless you are doing it.

Prove her unfit. Get custody and kick her out.

Joe

Quote:

Originally Posted by lrhall41

I have an adult (22 yr old) daughter with her 2 year old baby that lives with me. She has been in and out of work for the last 2 years not keeping a job for more than 2-3 months. She doesn't help with the baby unless I "ask" her to watch the baby even though she is home or with her friends "chilling and hanging out" all day instead of looking for a job. The days that she keeps the baby and the baby doesn't go to the sitter, she says that the baby doesn't want to eat (?!) and is fuzzy. Now, let me tell you that this baby is not fuzzy and has a good appetite and eats almost everything, but somehow when "mommy" is watching her, she doesn't want to eat. When I get home at 6:30 pm the baby is waiting for me to "feed" her because all of the sudden she is hungry.
Other than that, the baby takes he naps and is well taken care of, but of course, mommy has nothing else to do, right? I know that is constantlyon the phone or the computer (My Space) and puts a couple of movies so the baby can watch and stays out of her hair.
The baby is not hurt and is clean, but what bothers me is that she doesn't eat.
I know that my daughter smokes pot andnow I am learning that she is taking Xanax (not prescribed) because she is under stress for not finding a job. I think she spends most of her days wasted and sleeping instead of psneding quality time with the baby.
This week I am takin the baby back to the sitter, because I want her to stay in her routine and she is with other kids and eats. Her mother is supposed to be looking for jobs, but I know that would be hard because last week I took a day off to take her to fillout applications (she doesn't have a car because hers broke down and she has NO MONEY to fix it) and somehow no one has called her back.
I can not afford to keep taking days off to drive her around while she is high and doesn't remember the next day. No wonder nobody calls her back!!!
People tell me to kick her out of the house but I am afraird that the would take the baby with her (even if she doesn't have a car). I am not going to give her money for cigarettes anymore and will make it hard for her to see if she gets the hint, but my friends and family want me to call Child Protective Servcies (Florida) and report her. Ifi I do that, they might make her take parenting classes, or go to a rehab/drug free" place to get help, but I don't know if this is true.
I do not know if I want to do that, because how about if tey take the baby away, even though I have been taking care of her for the last 2 years and have been supporting her and her mom.
I am confused ...I am supporting my daughter with her "problem" instead of making her responsible, but when I make her responsible and stays home with the baby, then the baby doesn't eat or take naps. The baby suffers. I much rather take the baby to the sitter for a couple of days a week so she can have some routine and if her mom is not working, have her stay home with her.
If I call the CHild Protective place, she will be asked to leave the house and she will be pissed with me forever...and who knows if I will have the baby with me.
Just want to end up this message by letting you know that I love my daughter very much and her daughter more than anything and would not like to lose them.
What should I do?
Thanks for you opinions.

If you chose to call Child Protective Services they would not take the baby from you. From personal experience they prefer to keep children with family members as opposed to putting them in state foster care. If you called and they took the baby it would only be for a short time until the courts placed her or him back with you providing you say you are willing to take care of the baby. They will order your daughter to get help if she fails to comply she will not get the baby back, you will keep her.

Let's focus on your daughter instead of the baby for a minute. Okay.

Time to put your daughter in rehab. Xanax is one of the most addictive antidepressants on the market. If she is taking them and they are not prescribed for her, this is aiding in prescription fraud, which is a felony.

By taking the baby to the sitter, you are enabling your daughter in her addiction. You have to stop being her enabler. That means kicking her butt to the curb and keeping the baby, or placing her in rehab.

I would advise getting a family law attorney so that you can get custody, even temporary, of the baby and getting your daughter into rehab.

Your situation will not change without drastic measures.

I agree with those of you that say that my daughter needs help, but unfortunately since she doesn't have ajob, she has no insurance and I can not afford to pay for her rehab or medical visits. I am still trying to get her a job and at least taking the baby to the sitter for a couple of days a week so she stays in her routine.
Her mother has to watch her the days that she doesn't go to the sitter and I will make sure that she is not partying because I will be calling in and telling her that I will be stopiing by the house unannounced and see if that works.
I am keeping a journal of all of her "adventures" which I know will be handy if I go to court to keep the baby.
Thanks for your ideas.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lrhall41

I agree with those of you that say that my daughter needs help, but unfortunately since she doesn't have ajob, she has no insurance and I can not afford to pay for her rehab or medical visits. I am still trying to get her a job and at least taking the baby to the sitter for a couple of days a week so she stays in her routine.
Her mother has to watch her the days that she doesn't go to the sitter and I will make sure that she is not partying because I will be calling in and telling her that I will be stopiing by the house unannounced and see if that works.
I am keeping a journal of all of her "adventures" which I know will be handy if I go to court to keep the baby.
Thanks for your ideas.

I would buy a nanny cam,then you would know exactly what's going on.If she is doing things she should not be doing,you would have your proof.These small devices are about $20,and are very easy to use.:)

Do you think you can convince your daughter to sign over the child to you? Perhaps you could make her see that it would be for the baby's best interest. You may also be able to file for benefits for the child.

Your daughter sounds like she is all wrapped up in herself and is in no condition to look after a child. I wouldn't leave the child alone with her if she is always loaded.

Thanks to all of you that have responded. About a week and a half ago, an anonymoous call came in to the Dept of Children and Families about my daughter neglecting her baby and they came to my house to investigate. She was not here at the time ( she was at the baby's dad's house) and even though I was shocked and surprised, I talked to the investigator and gave her all of my information and details. She then went to "visit" the baby's dad's house and it was not good... they wouldn't let her in, and were very hostile. Now my daughter realizes hat se can lose her baby if she doesn't clean up her act and is trying. SHe called the investigator back, did the drug test (which she didn't pass) and is willing to go whatever needs to be done to keep her baby.
We are waiting to hear from the investigating officer, but my guess is, outpatient drug rehad, domestic violence (victim) classes/therapy or something to help my daughter get out of this cycle.
She has been trying to be really good for the last 2 weeks and knows that they can come in at any time and do the drug test on her, so she is trying hard until the out patient rehab goes paperwork comes through.
Thanks for all of your comments, and I just wanted to give you an update.

I am so glad for you and the baby,that this is out in the open.Hopefully your daughter will straighten up,but if she doesn't ,you know you gave her a chance to get her priorities straight.I wish you all the best,someone out there is watching over you.:)

Another update on my daughter's situation... we just learned yesterday that the baby's father was arrested last week for trafficking oxycodone. We immediately called the Child Protective Services investigator to let her know. She didn't know about this new event... My daughter is so glad that she wasn't there with him (at his house) when it happened, because most likely, she would have been arrested too and then she would have lost the baby. She has been "clean & sober" since July 5 and is looking forward to having this investigation determine that she is a fit mother and she can go on with her life. Now, the baby's daddy, is another story... who kows what will happen to him, because his family is on denial, and won't admit that he has a problem. But maybe a judge will send him to jail for a few months to get his act stragith. Also, the baby won't be going over to his (his parents) house for a long, long time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

She is an unfit mother. Maybe you should kick her out. I would get advised by an attorney first before doing anything and see what your options are because obviouly the child is not being cared for properly unless you are doing it.

Prove her unfit. Get custody and kick her out.

Joe

I agree-DO IT!

Something has to be done for the sake of the baby and her mother. You can't control her since she's 22, but you could be enabling her without trying to. It sounds like your daughter isn't even trying to feed the baby and the wee one just has to wait for you to do it. :(

I'm sorry you have this to deal with but I do believe you have to get outside professional help. A lawyer could tell you the best way to go about it, but your daughter MUST get counseling and/or rehab, so the baby could be put into a foster living situation. Call a lawyer to help... maybe you could gain power of attorney or custody arrangements before your daughter leaves with her or fights you regarding the treatment she needs.
Its hard, but it sounds like you're the only one who can save both of them.

GOOD LUCK

I just read your updates... I hope all continues to go in their favor (if they realize it or not) and they get the help they all need.

You need to let her grow up and it sounds like she needs parenting classes, and rehab and everything else. You need to think of your grandchild. And your doughter needs to grow up and be a mother. I was 15 when I had my son, and I finished school, went to college, and hae held down a job for the past 7 years. If you cont. to be her crutch then she is going to cont to lean on it. Someone needs to relize that her baby should be the most important thing in her life and needs to start taking better care of her. I know you love your garndchild and your daughter with all your heart but you have to let your grow up and maker her take care of her responsiablitys. And if worse comes to wose then you take the baby from her so that way you know she is in a safe home.

You said that she has be clean since July 5th. Good for her, I hope she stays that way. What steps is she taking to make sure of that? Is she going to any kind of meetings? Does she have a sponsor? She needs these things.
She can not be a mother to that child until she gets herself healthy first.

Thank God for you. That child has you and is very lucky. I hope this road gets easier for you and you can be more of the grandparent rather than the parent to this child

I am pretty sure that she hasn't had any drugs since July5th because she knows that the authorities are conducting their investigation and can come to the house to ask her to do a drug test (randomly). Also, tomorrow a lady is coming to the house to do her assessment/interview to determine which drug rehab program she is going to be put in, so based on those facts, I assume that she hasn't done any drugs. I am doing as much as I can to help her, now its up to her to do what needs to be done. If she messes up, then she will lose the baby and will have to move out of our house. That is as much as I know and hope that she understands the severity of the situation.