Ask Me Help Desk - What should I do

I was in a serious relationship for 4 years and the wedding was 1 month away and things were going rough. We decided to take a "break". Well 3 days later I find out that she is seeing one of my friends that I have known for 20 years. This took me by surprise, because she did not cheat there is no way that she could, and she would tell me if she had feelings for someone else. But she will not give us another chance or says she doesn't know what she wants. The hard part is that we have a 11 month old son together and we have an agreement on visitation. It is very hard to let 4 years go and just drop it all like that when I see her everyday when I get my son. How can I get that spark back that we used to have? We were both at fault as far as the separation goes, and neither of us have trouble admitting our faults. I would move heaven and earth to be with her again. What should I do?

Do nothing. She was seeing one of your friends. How do you know she did not cheat? Come on man, do not be so niave.

What was the reason for the break. Be more specific. Sorry but if she is not willing to give it another chanch for whatever reason your SOL.

Now What should you do is sit back and be cool and just do nothing for right now.

The one I feel sorry for the most is your boy. He will suffer the most out of this, but do you really want to be with somebody that is just not even going to try to work through things.

A break before a wedding, does not sound to good. Her not wanting to even try to amend things does not sound good. Please explain what happened to help you further.

Just please become calm and sit back and try to be cool, overreaction right now could make things worse. Move heaven and earth, I do not think so. Sounds like you might be better off without right now. It is better for this to happen now then after your married? Do you not think.

Try thinking back to where things first started going wrong. What issues disrupted the harmony in your relationship? Making a list might help. Then think about what changes you yourself could make and what changes you feel she should make. Then arrange to meet with her for a heart-to-heart talk. It sounds like you're both willing to accept responsibility, so I would think that you could talk things out and make this relationship work.

We agreed to break up and call the wedding sorry for not being specific before, but the reason for breaking up was that we were at eachothers throats all of the time I was dealing with a lot of stress at work and I would get home and she would complain about finances and other issues and I would retaliate in taking all of my frustrations out on her. We had a relationship that people would wish for, we were inseparable. But she did not cheat on me we were not together. What happened, happened I just want her back in my life. She says she doesn't know what she wants. She says she wants time apart. Do you think it's a good idea when we are around each other to steer clear of our previous problems and just let it ride and show her that I am OK? I think its just pushing her away when I try to talk to her about why she won't give us another chance.

First of all your in denial.

The possibility is always there that somebody cheated. Especially when there is a break and so much tension.

Your at each other throats, hmmm. That's all. I guess it would be hard to keep a marriage going if both of you can not communicate to what the problem is and actually find a solution.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Help27

I was in a serious relationship for 4 years and the wedding was 1 month away and things were going rough. We decided to take a "break". Well 3 days later I find out that she is seeing one of my friends that I have known for 20 years. This took me by suprise, because she did not cheat there is no way that she could, and she would tell me if she had feelings for someone else. But she will not give us another chance or says she doesnt know what she wants. The hard part is that we have a 11 month old son together and we have an agreement on visitation. It is very hard to let 4 years go and just drop it all like that when I see her everyday when I get my son. How can I get that spark back that we used to have? We were both at fault as far as the separation goes, and neither of us have trouble admitting our faults. I would move heaven and earth to be with her again. What should I do?

Hi sweetie, first of all this is what you need to know,does she still love you despite all the misunderstanding? You need to get that straight from her cause your next decision should be based on that. If she does, then you guys should know how to communicate without hurting each other. If she does not want to do it again well then han, you will just need to move on. It will be hard but remember time is always the best healer. Never forget that. Now you say she has been seeing your friend. Don't you think that is funny? Seeing your friend when the relationship is not doing so good. I am sure if it were the other way around, she would not be happy if you went to see any of her girl friends.I can say you are lucky you found that out cause you may never know what they talk about. Talk to her to get all your questions answered but don't pressure her to give you an answer right away just tell her to think about things over and DO NOT show her that you are desperate cause no woman is attracted to that. You said she does not like you to ask her to get back together so just Don't ASK HER! She will pull away completely and I don't think you want that since you guys have a son together so let her make her own decision. You need her there as a mother, nothing else. Next thing, hang out with friends and family. Go for vacation. Do things you could not do when you had her cause honey despite you losing her you are a free man now! When you lose one fish you always get another only this time be careful whom you welcome in your life again. Don't be down just care for your son like any loving daddy would. Sooner or later you will find yourself moving on. Take "baby steps" each day to that goal of moving on and letting go and you will. Time is the very best healer. I believe there is that someone special waiting for you. More so forgive her and him also(if she was cheating on you with your friend). Be humble, live your life to the best and be happy. Life goes on. You don't stop because she is gone. After all, you were okay before you even knew her.