Ask Me Help Desk - One year of lies

Hi Everyone
I have a problem. I was dating this guy long distance ( I am 28 yrs old and he was 30). We met and he really liked me. I wanted to only be friends because we didn't have a lot in common and on top of that I had just gotten out of a relationship a few months back. To be honest, when I met him and found out more about him I felt that he was very destructive to himself and others. For example, he was always depressed and had these cynical philosophical views about the world and how all people are bad. He also came from a really rough childhood where his father was absent for most of his childhood and when he did show up, he was verbally abusive to his whole family. And on top of that he cheated all the time on this mom (the mom stayed with him until he died of a stroke). And on top of that he was a big time poker player (he claims he was very good, made a lot of money, etc). Also most of his adult life was failures after failures. For example, he dropped out of graduate school, his startup business went bust, he made a lot of bad investments, etc. Well these things didn't sit well with me because I am a successful career woman who believes in stability. I only wanted to be friends but he kept insisting and making efforts to come see me. After a while I started tolike the fact that he made so many efforts. However, then I found out he was married (for papers) to his "roomate" (thats what he told me that she was his roomate). I spoke to her too and she told me that they were just very good friends and she married him so he could become legal and that he really liked me and wanted to be with me and that they were going to get a divorce. Well all of this lying didn't sit well with me so I broke it off. A couple of days later he tells me he's divorced and looking for a place of his own. Within a few days after that he got his own place. He also came to visit me and showed me the divorce papers. I was a bit impressed that he did all of that. His ex was however very much in love with him. She told me that she always loved him but he never loved her. Soon after that it came out that they were intimate for most of the 4 year marriage ( he lied to me and told me they werent). I didn't want to have anything to do with him but he kept trying and also told me he would quit poker (I was not going to be with a gambler). So he quit and our relationship began.

As months went by, I noticed that he brought me down a lot with his philosophical depressing views. I really started to fall in love with him at this time but I think in the backof my mind I knew we were too different. At the same time he was trying to move here, interviewing etc. I was really impressed that he was willing to move to a completely different state to be with me. AS time went by things kept coming up with him. His ex was crazy and would go on these fits and text message me like 20 times in a day saying how she's so hurt, etc. This happened like 5 times in our relationship. I would ask him if he's still friend with her and he would say he can't stand her and that they are not friends. However once in a while she will call him and he will pick up and be nice to her because she did help him out with his green card.

The way our relationship ended is that his ex contacted me at work (yes she had my work number because she got it from his wallet, he had my business card in there). She basically said they were sleeping together the whole time and that he lets her borrow his car every weekend and they hang out, etc. I confronted him and he got mad and said that was not true. I asked to check his phone bills and it was crazy, he would call me then he would call her. Looking at his phoen bills, one would think he had two girlfriends. Also he admitted to letting her borrow his car. He also owed her money (he claimed he made $80 K in two years playing poker + his job of $50 K a year). IF he made so much money in poker, why did he still owe her money. We broke up and it was the hardest breakup ever for me. The reason is because I really was surprised that he would do this to me. This was the same man that couldn't watch the news because if he saw any type of human suffering, it would get him depressed and ruin his whole week. He cared so much for other peoples feelings, including mine. If he wanted to tell me something and he knew it would get me upset, he would word it in a way that it wouldn't hurt me.

My question to all of you is, how do you go on realizing that one year of your life was a lie and the person who did it to you was someone you least expected? I know he lied, but I never expected the cheating. He never admitted to the cheating, but I think its true. I know that I didn't follow my gut feeling about him, but I have learned to follow my gut from now on because its almost always right. He actually moved to my home town for two days then moved to vegas. I asked him to stay but I think he expected me to just be over everything and forgive him. From my perception, he did not want to try and fix things, he just wanted everything to be OK. When he was in vegas, things were not working out for him so he wanted to come back. I told him no and that I'm not a doormat. Its been 3 months since then. He told me 3 months ago that if I ever change my mind he will wait for me. Well about 2 weeks ago I broke the NC (I know, I know, really stupid of me) because his ex contacted me and told me things he would tell her about me ( Like he was not attracted to me anymore because I was gaining weight). I don't know if its true or not, but it hurt me a lot. I contacted him and he was cold to me. I kept calling him that day, I think I called like 20 times. He picked up all of the times and felt bad that he made things worse for me. He cried a couple of times as well. I went crazy calling him because I just wanted to feel better but I kept making things worse. I was a bit surprised that he wasn't asking me for another chance or anything. When he cried he told me how bad he felt and how he lives with every day, so at least I know he feels guilty.

I have been physically sick because of all of this. I have an ulcer. I am trying to get better, and some days are better than others. Any advice would be great help and I appologize for the long post. Thanks again

Hello.

Sending you a great Big Hug.

There is only one thing you can do... Walk away 110%, stop any and all contact with him and his friends. You're a special lady and should be treated that way so open your eyes and let Mr. Right sweep you off your feet.

Good Luck
Dennis777

Dennis,

Thanks for your kind words. I have no plans of contacting him again. Especially after I got the ulcer, I realized that I am putting my health at jeopardy. The one thing I struggle with is how someone that "acts" to be so nice, sweet, and caring of even strangers could do such a thing? Its hard to wake up everyday and realize that the person you thought you knew was nothing more than a lie.

I realize the post is long but any advice would be very much appreciated

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inspired

I realize the post is long but any advice would be very much appreciated

Well, there's not a whole lot more to say: get away from this guy and STAY AWAY!!

I can't go through and dissect your post but there are tons of bad signs peppered everywhere throughout. In fact, we can also conclude that said pepper does not go well with who you are: a highly-valued woman (to put it in more understandable terms: you are ice cream. I use this because ice cream is highly-valued. Also it doesn't go well with pepper).

If you really want reasoning, I can try, but right now I'm too tired. Also King of the Hill is on. It's a rerun, but it's still pretty funny.

Anyway, move on; find yourself a real man.

What is bothering me is if I was such a "highly valued woman" and he was a looser, then why didn't he hint on wanting to be together when I called 3 weeks ago? It seemed from the conversations that he was moving on with his life. Sure he cried once, but it was not for us, but his life in general and things he was going through.

Well, maybe he's moved on... he may have met someone else willing to deal with him.

Does it matter? Tell us, why do you like him so much?

Well for one I was with him for over a year and we were planning on getting married. That's probably why I "like him so much". Its not even about that anymore. I am over him, I'm just not over what he did to me. I guess that's why it bothers me that he could move on so quickly after I dealt with so much of his crap.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Inspired

Hi Everyone
I have a problem. I was dating this guy long distance ( I am 28 yrs old and he was 30). We met and he really liked me. I wanted to only be friends because we didnt have alot in common and on top of that I had just gotten out of a relationship a few months back. To be honest, when I met him and found out more about him I felt that he was very destructive to himself and others. For example, he was always depressed and had these cynical philosophical views about the world and how all people are bad. He also came from a really rough childhood where his father was absent for most of his childhood and when he did show up, he was verbally abusive to his whole family.

Yeah that’s to bad. But I also didn’t have a great childhood and I try not to let it get the best of me. My point being that 30 he needs to get a therapist or get a better story for why he behaves the way he does. I’m not saying child abuse doesn’t cause behaviors in adults that are not healthy but if he can recognize the problem and tell you where it came from he can find a solution and put the abuse in a place where he can recognize it and even use it to make him stronger as a survivor. But having a bad childhood doesn’t mean you have to have a bad adult life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inspired

And on top of that he cheated all the time on this mom (the mom stayed with him until he died of a stroke). And on top of that he was a big time poker player (he claims he was very good, made alot of money, etc). Also most of his adult life was failures after failures. For example, he dropped out of graduate school, his startup business went bust, he made a lot of bad investments, etc. Well these things didnt sit well with me because I am a successful career woman who believes in stability. I only wanted to be friends but he kept insisting and making efforts to come see me. After a while I started tolike the fact that he made so many efforts. However, then I found out he was married (for papers) to his "roomate" (thats what he told me that she was his roomate). I spoke to her too and she told me that they were just very good friends and she married him so he could become legal and that he really liked me and wanted to be with me and that they were going to get a divorce.

So he has no respect for the law or the citizens who have become legal through years of hard work or the men and women who have died to protect those rights.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inspired

Well all of this lying didnt sit well with me so I broke it off. A couple of days later he tells me hes divorced and looking for a place of his own. Within a few days after that he got his own place. He also came to visit me and showed me the divorce papers. I was a bit impressed that he did all of that. His ex was however very much in love with him.

Why then did she tell you that the marriage was a scam?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inspired

She told me that she always loved him but he never loved her. Soon after that it came out that they were intimate for most of the 4 year marraige ( he lied to me and told me they werent). I didnt want to have anything to do with him but he kept trying and also told me he would quit poker (I was not going to be with a gambler).

You wouldn’t be with a gambler but you had no problem being with a guy that broke the law and lied about his marriage and then again about his marriage?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inspired

So he quit and our relationship began.

As months went by, I noticed that he brought me down alot with his philosophical depressing views. I really started to fall in love with him at this time but I think in the backof my mind I knew we were too different. At the same time he was trying to move here, interviewing etc. I was really impressed that he was willing to move to a completely different state to be with me. AS time went by things kept coming up with him. His ex was crazy and would go on these fits and text message me liek 20 times in a day saying how shes so hurt, etc.

This is already too much drama for you to be involved in.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inspired

This happened like 5 times in our relationship. I would ask him if hes still friend with her and he would say he can't stand her and that they are not friends. However once in a while she will call him and he will pick up and be nice to her because she did help him out with his greencard.

By help out, you mean to say committing a federal offense.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inspired

The way our relationship ended is that his ex contacted me at work (yes she had my work number because she got it from his wallet, he had my business card in there). She basically said they were sleeping together the whole time and that he lets her borrow his car every weekend and they hang out, etc. I confronted him and he got mad and said that was not true. I asked to check his phone bills and it was crazy, he would call me then he would call her. Looking at his phoen bills, one would think he had two girlfriends.

He did have two girlfriends. One of whom was his (ex?) wife.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inspired

Also he admitted to letting her borrow his car. He also owed her money (he claimed he made $80 K in two years playing poker + his job of $50 K a year). IF he made so much money in poker, why did he still owe her money. We broke up and it was the hardest breakup ever for me. The reason is because I really was surprised that he would do this to me.

I’m sorry you were blinded by love because I’m not at all surprised.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inspired

This was the same man that couldnt watch the news because if he saw any type of human suffering, it would get him depressed and ruin his whole week. He cared so much for other peoples feelings, including mine. If he wanted to tell me something and he knew it woudl get me upset, he would word it in a way that it wouldnt hurt me.

That’s your perception of what he was doing. What he was really doing was trying not to rock the boat.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inspired

My question to all of you is, how do you go on realizing that one year of your life was a lie and the person who did it to you was someone you least expected? I know he lied, but I never expected the cheating. He never admitted to the cheating, but I think its true

It is.
But lucky for you I have my Chuffster’s get over the ex plan. Here it is……
I'd recommend making a list of things that you want to do in the short term only. Hang that list up so that you see it when you go to sleep and when you wake up and start working on those things. The more you focus on those things the better you'll start to feel and less you'll think of the ex.

I also recommend that if you don't have a gym membership you get one. Working out is a great way to get out of the house but also make yourself feel better. Get on a elliptical or stairmaster and just go for 10 or 15 minutes. Get off and rest and then do it again for another 10 or 15 minutes. I promise you, you won't be thinking about anything else other than what your doing. Plus it's healthy for you. Even if you don't get a gym membership take a walk, and go for long ones if you have the time. It gets you out the house, clears you head, and makes is healthy for you. If you have something else you like that's physical do that. Anything that creates motion in your body is good for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inspired

From my perception, he did not want to try and fix things, he just wanted everything to be ok. When he was in vegas, things were not working out for him so he wanted to come back. I told him no and that im not a doormat.

Good. You finally put your foot down with this loser.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inspired

Its been 3 months since then. He told me 3 months ago that if I ever change my mind he will wait for me. Well about 2 weeks ago I broke the NC (I know, I know, really stupid of me) because his ex contacted me and told me things he would tell her about me ( Like he was not attracted to me anymore cauz I was gaining weight). I dont know if its true or not, but it hurt me alot.

Are you kidding me? Your source for this was his ex wife, who you don’t have a good history with? Why would you accept any message or conversation with her, and furthermore why would you believe it?

Second, if you can’t trust a guy who marries someone illegally, who can you trust? Oh.. the other 99% of guys that don’t do that. Even if this was a good relationship, which it clearly is not, if he bases it on you weight then you have no real foundation. That in and of itself should tell you he doesn’t care. But it should never have got this far.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inspired

I contacted him and he was cold to me. I kept calling him that day, I think I called like 20 times. He picked up all of the times and felt bad that he made things worse for me. He cried a couple of times as well. I went crazy calling him because I just wanted to feel better but I kept making things worse. I was a bit surprised that he wasnt asking me for another chance or anything. when he cried he told me how bad he felt and how he lives with every day, so atleast I know he feels guilty.

I have been physically sick because of all of this. I have an ulcer. I am trying to get better, and some days are better than others. Any advice would be great help and I appologize for the long post. Thanks again

It was long. Do my Chuff’s get over the ex formula that I described earlier. You’ll be feeling better in no time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inspired

I know that I didnt follow my gut feeling about him, but I have learned to follow my gut from now on because its almost always right.

You have answered all that you need to know in that simple little sentence :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inspired
I know that I didn't follow my gut feeling about him, but I have learned to follow my gut from now on because its almost always right.

I know this is a bit random but I find it interesting how gut instinct is often the right answer or the right feeling. Its like a sixth sense isn't it...

Chuff and Geof, thank you for your input. Chuff I have been going to the gym for 2 years. I work out about 4 times a week and am in great shape. When I was with this looser I stopped working out for a while because I was depressed due to his depression. I have been back on the ball working out now and I love it. I also do things to keep myself busy. I work like crazy (thats always been the case), I go out with friends. I have no contact with him and do not plan on having any contact with him ever again. It still hurts sometimes. I guess my whole thing is that its hard to get over what he did to me. Meaning I put up with so much of his $hit and he presued me hardcore in the beginning of the relationship. I was a step up for him but he still did this to me. The other thing that is hard to deal with is that I know the humans have a hard time seeing their faults. However, he never saw his faults. He never thought he needed therapy, when I suggested it to him so many times throughout the relationship. He would just laugh. He though I was making a big deal about his lies/cheating/depression all of the time. How can a person who's so f**** up not be able to see his faults?