I need help establishing rules for my 14 year old niece who recently came to live with me
Due to bad behavior.
I have children, but they are small and I don't know where to start with a 14 year old.
The attitude is really bad and things that she is doing is disrupting.
What is fair? Our major issues are that
1) She wants to see guys, but the ones she brings home are druggies.
When not allowed to see them, she sneaks around and does it anyway.
2) She's having sex.
3) She's disrespectful and rude
4) If she doesn't get her way, she has temper tantrums.

I want good things for her.
She wants to be treated like an adult, but fails to see what's good/bad for her.
I want to be fair with her, but I'm afraid I've been to easy and now she starting to
Get out of control. I don't know how to fix this so that we can be a happy family.

Boot camp.

You need to put your foot down and show her that you are the boss and why living in your home she will show respect and live under your rules.

Kick these druggies out of your home and make them aware there not welcome, and call the police on them that should stop them coming around ! Don't allow her any free time till she can show respect and manners, make sure she is in your sight at all times that will keep her from going behind you back. As for tantrums just blank it and ignore it, just don't react to it in any way.

It does sound that she needs some sort of professional help maybe seek some Family counseling.

With the sleeping around part, show her what damage she is doing to herself and what could happen plus catch with sleeping around.

There are good books you can most likely check out from your library, such as; "The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting" by Laurence Steinberg. Dr. Phil McGraw takes a no nonsense approach to establishing rules for teens and the follow through.

Some good websites on how to establish rules and structure, yet provide a supportive home are:
Teen Anger: Techniques to Avoid the Buildup - FamilyEducation.com
The Parent-Teen Relationship: Life through a Teenager's Eyes, (NCFV), Public Health Agency of Canada
http://fep.careenhance.com/portal/in...LTHY_FAM_RISKY

I like the idea of establishing a verbal contract with your niece that stipulates rules for her behavior and activities. The rules you want are basic - that she show respect for you and your family, that she completes the chores given to her, that she attends school and completes all homework, no swearing, no sex, no drugs or alcohol, no rudeness. The list can go on. Pick your highest priorities with her and concentrate on those. If you believe a curfew is important, then have one and enforce it. Establishing consequences for her rudeness and bad temper and tantrums are very important. She can lose phone time, TV time, going on with friends time, etc. She needs to get the point that she is responsible for what happens to her, not you or anyone else. She can decide to make her own life better and she is most likely smart enough to figure that out and how to manipulate others. You just have to be better at this than she is.

There is a downloadable handbook called, "Reaching and Serving Teen Victims" at this site - http://www.ncpc.org/cms/cms-upload/n...%20Victims.pdf
I am not saying your niece is a victim but there are ideas in there about establishing groundrules and being the caregiver, which you are right now.

Also, I would really encourage you and your husband to get some outside help on this. You do not need to be raising Miss Hell On Wheels totally on your own strength. Check your local resources and agencies, such as your Social Services or a mental health clinic or even the police department. They work with troubled teens so often and can be an asset to you. Perhaps your pastor can be a listening post and resource. Pastors receive training in family counseling. Just do not go through all this alone. For your own emotional well being and protection and for that of your family.

God bless you for taking in your niece and good luck.

The temper tantraums just let them go and make her calm herself down. Put screens or bolts on the windows. That might help

Thank you all
We will be going over all this with her this evening - the new rules and what is expected and the consequences.

Hello.

She came to you due to years worth of bad habits and they are not going to change over night. Hugs and attention can go a long way to help her but a swift kick in the shorts will get her attention. I don't mean kick her hehehe but I do mean put your foot down so she knows what her boundaries are.

Most of the problems kids have today is they don't know where the lines are that they can't cross. TV, Music, Movies, Games all give her open doors. Friends push her to do what they wish they could do if it wasn't for their parents, She is running as hard as she can and has no place to run to.

Your job is to give her a clear set of rules. Hard and fast rules that don't move at all, at least at first until she earns credit to do more and more. Put the rules in writing so there is no chance of her not knowing what each rule means. Be open and honest about how this is from your heart and if she will open her heart she will soon see how much more fun and exciting life can and will be for her.

Don't use the I will call the cops if you don't do what I say lines because she already knows they will not do a thing to her. Boot Camp is a great place to use as her option. Take her to visit one so she can see its real.

Good Luck
Dennis777

Frankly, I wouldn't have this 14-year-old living with me in my home, whether she's your niece or not. It's not your responsibility to fix her problems, which she has many. Your responsibility is to your own kids and your spouse (if there is one, of which your post makes no mention.) I'm sorry, but it's not your place to play rescuer. You have your own kids to raise and cannot let this troubled 14-year-old wreak havoc in your lives.

Shygrneyzs,
I've been reading the links and they have been very helpful - thank you again.

After I've read the links that were given above, I can see why she is the way she is today.
She was never spoiled, so this is not the cause of the behavior.
She was never given anything, no love, no guidance, no structure, and has been a victim of verbal and mental abuse.

Her behavior mimics the people she lived with.

She is not to blame and I'm hoping that by offering her love and a better life, she'll come around.

We've had a long talk with her this evening about how disruptive this has been and set some goals, privileges, rules and consequences for her.

We will be seeking some counseling as well.

I believe this will be challenging and I hope I'm up for it.
I don't want my peaceful family disrupted, but I can't see just throwing this child away either. My heart feels really bad for her.

Thank you

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cruzique

I need help establishing rules for my 14 year old niece who recently came to live with me
due to bad behavior.
I have children, but they are small and I don't know where to start with a 14 year old.
The attitude is really bad and things that she is doing is disrupting.
What is fair? Our major issues are that
1) She wants to see guys, but the ones she brings home are druggies.
When not allowed to see them, she sneaks around and does it anyway.
2) She's having sex.
3) She's disrespectful and rude
4) If she doesn't get her way, she has temper tantrums.

I want good things for her.
She wants to be treated like an adult, but fails to see whats good/bad for her.
I want to be fair with her, but I'm afraid I've been to easy and now she starting to
get out of control. I don't know how to fix this so that we can be a happy family.

---

Well she wants to be treated like an adult?? Give her adult resposiblitlies... make her work;... im sure she's too young to get a job so make her work around the house for hours... make her take care of the little ones... make her clean... make her do adult things... im 21.. i wanted to be an adult so bad... now that im an adult i want to be a child again... i don't know why i rushed htings... its not fun at all... :(

She came because of bad behavior, so that means rules and events that happen when rules are not followed.

First counseling to help her find what is right and wrong

No one comes into my home unless I approve of them, so if you don't like the boys coming to see her, they can't come, that is very easy.
And she is too troubled to be trusted without supervision.

Then you are doing a bad job as a parent if she is sneaking around, you should know where she is, and what she is doing 24 hours a day. Period...

If she is supervised every minute of every day, she will not be having sex.
And if the boys she is having sex with are turned into the police for satutory rape ( it is not legal anywhere for 14 year to have sex in the US)
Once a boy or two are in lock up, the rest will know not to come her way either.

If she is disrespectful and rude she is grounded more, she looses use of computer, ipods, and what ever music device they are using now.

, she has temper tantrums, so let her, who cares,

She wants to be treated like an adult, again who cares what she wants, you are to be a parent, not her friend

She is 14, out of control, a happy family is not going to happen, a control war is about all you will get for the next few years.

My opinion, honestly and this is probably going to sound horrible and not make sense... but I would put my hands in the air and just say "screw it. you want to ruin your life... then do so" and that is it. Unfortunately some people must only learn from there own mistakes. This sounds bad, I know. But it is true. You just can't reach everyone. Just be there when she falls. That is it. Just be there.

It sounds like she has no intention of following any rules you make anyway. A 14 year old is tough to deal with sometimes even when they are relatively good kids. Perhaps you have bitten off more than you can chew. Either way you are a good person to make the effort.

Thank you for all the opinions and advice.

We contacted a counseling group today and she has an appointment in Aug.

She is supervised all waking hours.
But when I think she's asleep, she's not and sneaks out of the house.
This has happened 2 times that I know of since she was caught having sex and under complete "day time" supervision.

I stay awake as long as I can waiting for her to fall into a good sleep.
She appears to be asleep when I've gone to bed, but I guess not.

I had a nice chat with a problem boy the other day and he hasn't called back since,
I brought up the age thing and I guess he got the point.

Thank you everyone again for your opinions and thoughts.

here is what my parents did to me when I was going through that age, they drilled a bolt in behind the windows to it could not slide all the way open, they set the alarm at night for when a door and/or window was open it would go off, and every once in a wile they would come down late at night and check on me. They took everything out of my room but a dresser, and a bed so I could not hide ANYTHING. And they had some devise that plugged into any phone jack and if any of the phones were picked up it would record the conversation. Whenever I got home from school, work, and out with friends they would smell my breath for smoke and/or booze and if it smelt like gum on my breath or if my cloths smelt like purfume or calogn then they would automatically assume that I was covering something up. Hope this helps =]

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cruzique

I need help establishing rules for my 14 year old niece who recently came to live with me
due to bad behavior.
I have children, but they are small and I don't know where to start with a 14 year old.
The attitude is really bad and things that she is doing is disrupting.
What is fair? Our major issues are that
1) She wants to see guys, but the ones she brings home are druggies.
When not allowed to see them, she sneaks around and does it anyway.
2) She's having sex.
3) She's disrespectful and rude
4) If she doesn't get her way, she has temper tantrums.

I want good things for her.
She wants to be treated like an adult, but fails to see whats good/bad for her.
I want to be fair with her, but I'm afraid I've been to easy and now she starting to
get out of control. I don't know how to fix this so that we can be a happy family.

---

Tell her how you feel I'm a teen and I'm aloud 2 do what I want but I can't do anything bad and I have 2 have my phone with me all the time and have to be home by 12 every night on weekends and summer time

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cruzique

Thank you for all the opinions and advice.

We contacted a counseling group today and she has an appointment in Aug.

She is supervised all waking hours.
But when I think she's asleep, she's not and sneaks out of the house.
This has happened 2 times that I know of since she was caught having sex and under complete "day time" supervision.

I stay awake as long as I can waiting for her to fall into a good sleep.
She appears to be asleep when I've gone to bed, but I guess not.

I had a nice chat with a problem boy the other day and he hasn't called back since,
I brought up the age thing and I guess he got the point.

Thank you everyone again for your opinions and thoughts.

---

cruzique agrees: definitely, she's a good kid, just tough to deal with. Thanks.






I think you misunderstood what I was saying,I didn't say she was a good kid. I said even the good one's are hard to deal with. If she was a good kid she wouldn't be sneaking out of the house and disrespecting you like she is. Maybe there is help for her if she actually wants it. The question is dose she want it or is she set on doing what she wants with out regard to the consequences or who it might hurt?

... I know you probably don't want to hear this, But that's how girls are at this point in time.
She will snap out of it. Let her know that if you can't trust her then she can't have many privileges. People these days are having sex at younger and younger ages. I lost my virginity three years ago and I'm barely 16. I've been kicked out of two houses for bad behaviour. What she really needs is love. Honest to god. She needs someone who will love her for everything, making mistakes or not. The cruelest thing you can do is give up on her. I know how stressful it is. And I know that you are probably extremely worried, not only about her well-being but about the "sanity" of your home life. She will out grow this behaviour.
I'm sorry there's not much else you can do.
Counseling is definently a good suggestion, the only problem is if sheisn't open to it, then it is just an ineffective waste of time.

I agree with Shaunta give her adult responsibilitys if she wants to be treated like an adult, also tell the police about the druggies and get to know the local cops so they can help u
Lyon