Ask Me Help Desk - Ex saying mean things about me

Hello all,

Could use some pros/cons/advice here:

Last night, a few of my fraternity brothers from college came in town to where I live (different place than the college town). I haven't seen them in a couple of years, so we all met up for dinner. At some point, one of them asked me how my girlfriend was. I told him that I did not have one anymore. That's all I said. I didn't say "oh yeah my ex was a freaking jerk to me and blah blah blah." I never say things like that. If anyone ever asks why we broke up (aside from my close friends who know the whole story), I simply say "eh...you know, we had some differences, and I did some things wrong, and unfortunately it just didnt work out." That's all I leave it at. I feel that my ex did a lot of mean things and said a lot of mean things to me, but, I'm not out to get others to be on my side, and I'm not out to make her look bad.

One of the other guys piped in. He had gone back to the college town a few days prior (last weekend, actually) to go see the guys still in school, and, while he was downtown, he saw my ex. He asked her how I was (not knowing we weren't together), and she informed him that she is not with me anymore, and went on to describe to him how I was so horrible--an overbearing jerk and the such.

Now, those of you who have read any of my other posts about my situation know that I totally accept my faults in my relationship, that I felt very bad about them, that I did indeed work hard to change them (for nearly a year) while I CONSTANTLY got sworn at, neglected, ditched, lied to, and strung-along. Still, I apologized countless times for any and every little thing I ever did wrong. I wasn't out to lay blame---but was out to fix MY bad parts.

More recently... welll... several months ago (since we have been broken up)... I have asked if we could just be kind and civil to each other. I saw her at one of my fraternity's parties a few months ago, and she was nothing but mean to me. Full of hate. (I have no idea why, because, while I was overbearing at times, there were never EVER any problems with fidelity or anything like that. I was always very loving.)

The last time I have ever communicated with her (two months ago) was when I sent her a letter in the physical mail, saying that I was very sorry for x, y, and z. I laid ABSOLUTELY ZERO blame on her. I told her that I was sorry to see our relationship end and that it was hard for me, but I understood why she didn't want to be with me anymore, and that I needed to mature up even more and change some of the bad parts about me that still exist. I wished her much happiness and much love to come in the future.

I left it on a good note. I don't have hatred towards her---though I easily could. I could easily talk crap about her to everyone I meet and lay blame all over the place. But I do not.

And I would appreciate it if she would not. I don't think it's fair to demean someone's character who tried so hard to make things right, and who, at the very very least, has apologized countless times very sincerely and has had a rough time getting over the other. Again, I asked her to be civil with me and at least polite, and I wished her well in the future.

So what do I do? I REALLY want to send her an email today (a respectful, yet stern one) and tell her to stop going into the details with others--to remind her that I'm not out laying blame on her behind her back, and that I have tried several times to be polite with her. But, that breaks NC. Not that I really give a rat's behind at the point. I'm not trying to get her back---I just don't want this drama. To me, this is an OK reason to break NC.

Should I send a short email, or just leave it be? Pros/cons appreciated.

thank you.

Hello

The best thing you can do is let it go. If people ask you about what she says tell them that's the past and she sees it in a different light then you but life goes on. If you try to explain away what she says it makes you look bad, if you just blow it off then it will go away much faster. The same goes with her. If she knows she is getting you up set by what she says then she will keep doing it.

Good Luck
Dennis777

If she knows she is getting you up set by what she says then she will keep doing it.

This I agree here with Dennis777. See, I know there is a strong urge to send her a letter and I also know, no matter what we say here, u're still going to send because you want to get it out of your system. However, when you send that letter and when she reads it, what message will she get? I am imagining myself in her place and I would think... ha ha, there he is getting hurt, that means what I am going to say or do, still matters to him... " and that's it. She will keep doing what she wants to do because she no longer respects you or cares for you.. don't feel bad, that's what people are all about. Once their whatever purpose is solved, they drop u like a hot potato, but don't lose yourself, your good points over that... silence and patience is the best key... learn from this experience and keep going... u'll b fine.

Quote:

Originally Posted by diya

[B]I would think...ha ha, there he is getting hurt, that means what I am goin to say or do, still matters to him..." and that's it.

Why on Earth would anyone think like that? Geez, I mean, if you're "over" someone, wouldn't you either

a. not care. And therefore see no reason in hurting the other?

b. wish them well, because you no longer care, but are still a good and polite person?

And the following is just venting, but...

ARGH! Here I have been reflecting upon myself and ways I can improve for a very very long time. I have actually made deep changes, but still acknowledge the fact that I have a ways to go. She has NEVER acknowledged anything. All she ever did was tell me she's not sorry for anything over and over, swear at me, lie to me, slap me, tell me she "f'ing hates all my friends," hang up on me, not speak to me for weeks and weeks, refuse to come see me, refuse to let me come see her, figure out more ways to tell me she is too busy partying to see me, and on and on...

Has she REALLY thought of NOTHING? Does she seriously think the relationship ended 100 percent because of me?

I don't know how anyone, after a long period of NC and time, could not reflect. I don't know how any good person could be so nonchalant. And STILL mean.

No that's what you're thinking... she has gone her way... she is not thinking about you or what you had with her anymore. But by spreading things about you, she is just saving herself from the guilt trip. So you shld rather feel good that u got away from a person who was not even worth all the efforts you put in... true love never speaks behind the back... so take easy... don't feel bad... I know it hurts but be positive.

Like the others hαve sαid it is best to let it go.

Your ex mαy be still tαlking αbout you becαuse mαybe she knows she's the one thαt did wrong so she exαggerαtes the situαtion to mαke herself look like the good person.. or she mαy be bαd-mouthing you becαuse she hαtes the fαct thαt it's over αnd she misses you--sounds weird but could be possible.. however writing emαils, cαlling her-- etc. will just keep the womαn going.. if you ignore αnd just brush off whαt people tell you whαt she sαys, chαnces αre she'll shut her pie hole..

Some people are not capable of empathy or true love. You are talkng about a very immature young lady that is self centered and looking out for herself. Blaming you means that she is free of worry and guilt and therefore does not need to work on herself. In her eyes you were the problem. She may grow up someday and see things differently, but I would think that that will be many, many years from now ,from the way she sounds. Handle yourself just as you have been, you can not argue with someone that refuses to be fair. People that are your friends, know the real you and will not believe her lies. Just let her and what she says go, so that you can move forward with your life.

Let it go. The truth always comes out in the end.

Thank you all for the advice, and, I did not do anything about it. And I will not. So, there! I didn't just do what I wanted!

I have another question, though, and it kind of stems from where I was venting above.

Here goes:

I have never ever dated anyone who was not sorry for things when they obviously knew they were wrong. I've never dated anyone who takes back EVERY... and, yes, Im not exaggerating... EVERY apology she has ever given (there were few apologies anyway... ). In fact, I don't know people who say "I said I was sorry, but I didn't mean it. I'm not sorry."

Except this most recent ex.

What gives? I mean, seriously, she might start screaming at me out of nowhere about something and be really mean, and then I'd address it, and she'd say "i'm not sorry for anything. i haven't done anything wrong." You guys have seen my other posts, so you know that, when I do wrong, I take it hard and admit it. So when I say out of nowhere, I really do mean out of nowhere--I'm not being biased. Other times, she might lie to me and never be sorry for that (and tell me she's not sorry there again, too).

Who... on Earth... ends a relationship on such a bad note of "I'm not sorry, I haven't done a thing wrong," and then just NEVER talks to you again?

I'm the kind of guy that can move through things, but, when someone does wrong, to forgive and move forward, I can't have someone scream at me they they regret nothing.

She is a very intellingent girl. There is no way that she can possibly think that she did absolutely nothing wrong. Part of the reason I looked past the "im not sorry" crap for so long. I thought to myself, obviously she is sorry---she's just saying that. But after time and time and time again... I couldn't tell!

Why indeed does she uphold that she's never done wrong?

I guess there were a few questions there.

Anyway--thanks for the help.

The most selfish and self centered people in the world act that way because it absolves them of guilt, and responsibility. Sad and chalk it up to her showing her true self, and it was not pretty.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

The most selfish and self centered people in the world act that way because it absolves them of guilt, and responsibility. Sad and chalk it up to her showing her true self, and it was not pretty.

Agree with that.