Hi I have been married 21 years have four boys all pretty much grown, am working full time my husband works full time. Over the years he has lied to me numerous time about a lot of things. The past 5 years it's been his drinking. He uses money we don't have runs the credit card up. One month is was 350 dollars he spent at the liqueur store, he would hide the bills on me. I had dreams that when the boys were older we would do things together, travel go out to dinner a movie. We don't do anything because every spare cent we have goes in the mortgage, bills and our kids, and oh you his stash. You see he is a closet drinker he thinks that if I don't see him bingeing he doesn't have a problem. It makes me so angry because there are so many things we could do together things we need for the house, I never buy myself anything if I have a hole in my pants or something I patch it up, but if he needs a pair of pants he gets new ones. We have nothing in common, we barely watch TV together, and since his drinking has gotten so bad we don't even sleep in the same bed. When I find his new hidey hole he lies about it says he didn't know it was there or some such trash. I don't know I'm fed up I had to watch as an only child my parents beat on each other because of drinking, now my mom is a recluse and my dad is chronic alcoholic. I don't want my life like that I'm only 44.

Help
Torn

I think you already know the answer but you want it confirmed by others. So I'm going to confirm it. You need to leave this situation. I'm not one for breaking up marriages but I'm also not one sit by and allow someone else to drain life out of those around him just because he hasn't got his head he's not happy with his own.

I might suggest you recommend AA to him but I doubt he's going to listen at this point. Maybe if you separated for awhile that would give him the message that he needs to change. I doubt that too, but I'm throwing it out as a possibility. He's either going to drink himself to death or hit rock bottom and decide on his own that he must change. There's nobody else on the planet that can do it for him.

As you said, your only 44, you've got another 40 years (or more the way medical science technology is devolping) of life to lead and you can not continue to allow yourself to be brought down by his actions.

It's time you started your own stash and make sure it is in a safe place, tell no one about it. I hope you have friends and family who can help you get out of this situation.

You need to be aware of the fact that he does what he does because you allow it. You put up with patched clothes, you allow him to spend most of the money on drink.

This is a situation that will get very bad very quickly. Take steps to get out of the situation now. And, like chuff said, it might just be the shock he needs to get the message through that you are not prepared to put up with this any longer.

I asked him last year to go to counseling or AA but he said it was to embarrassing.

Dardar

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Originally Posted by dardar43

Hi I have been married 21 years have four boys all pretty much grown, am working full time my husband works full time. Over the years he has lied to me numerous time about alot of things. The past 5 years it's been his drinking. He uses money we don't have runs the credit card up. One month is was 350 dollars he spent at the liqueur store, he would hide the bills on me. I had dreams that when the boys were older we would do things together, travel go out to dinner a movie. We don't do anything because every spare cent we have goes in the mortgage, bills and our kids, and oh ya his stash. You see he is a closet drinker he thinks that if I don't see him bingeing he doesn't have a problem. It makes me so angry because there are so many things we could do together things we need for the house, I never buy my self anything if I have a hole in my pants or something I patch it up, but if he needs a pair of pants he gets new ones. We have nothing in common, we barely watch tv together, and since his drinking has gotten so bad we don't even sleep in the same bed. When I find his new hidey hole he lies about it says he didn't know it was there or some such trash. I don't know I'm fed up I had to watch as an only child my parents beat on each other because of drinking, now my mom is a recluse and my dad is chronic alcoholic. I don't want my life like that I'm only 44.

help
torn

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When you don't know if you still Love your husband , that in itself says that you probably don't , at least not in the same way you did before . Sometimes when there is something inside gnawing at you to make a change , then it is time to make a change. You have a lot of life to live. You don't need to be tied down to someone who is in his kind of funk. You can still be friends , it doesn't have to be the "End" of everything, it will just be that you will not be married to him and you won't have to deal with the negative sides of him anymore. There is no sense in being unhappy for the rest of your days till the end. You can still have him part of your life , without sacrificing your life if you know what I mean.